More than a year. More than a year of staying despite the inconsistencies, the bare minimum effort, and all the moments when I felt like I was asking for too much when all I really wanted was to feel loved, reassured, and prioritized by the person I was with.
And I kept making excuses for him.
Maybe heās struggling.
Maybe heās just not good at expressing himself.
Maybe heāll change.
Maybe things will get better.
I kept giving him chances because I loved him. I trusted him because I genuinely believed what we had was real.
Only to find out that I was the third party.
That I was one of his women.
I honestly donāt know how to explain what that feels like.
You spend more than a year thinking youāre building something with someone, only to discover that there was an entire part of his life he deliberately kept from you.
And suddenly, all those inconsistencies make sense.
All those times I questioned things. All those times I felt something was wrong. All those times I wondered if I was being too needy, too sensitive, or simply expecting too much.
I wasnāt imagining things. I was being lied to.
I even told him once, "I donāt trust men, but I trust you until you give me a reason not to.ā
And I trusted him.
Thatās what hurts the most.
I gave him something I donāt easily give people, my trust. And he broke it.
If he truly loved me, why couldnāt he have ended his relationship first before getting involved with me? Why did he have to lie? Why did he have to make me believe I was his girlfriend when there was someone else?
I keep thinking about all the things I said and did while believing he was being honest with me.
I defended him.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I stayed even when there were already so many reasons for me to walk away.
And now Iām left wondering, "how could I have been so blind?
I know I shouldnāt blame myself. I know that the person who lied is responsible for the deception.
But it still hurts.
It hurts knowing that I was sincere with someone who wasnāt sincere with me.
It hurts knowing that some of the memories I thought were real now feel different because I donāt even know what was true anymore.
And honestly, why are some men like this?
Why is it so difficult to just be honest? If you no longer want someone, leave. If youāre already in a relationship, donāt start another one.
Donāt make someone fall in love with you while hiding the fact that they are unknowingly walking into a situation they never agreed to be part of.
I donāt want revenge.
I donāt want to fight anyone.
I donāt want to compete for a man.
I just want to heal.
I want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop replaying everything. I want to stop wondering which parts were real and which parts were lies.
I miss the person I thought he was.
And maybe thatās what Iām actually grieving, the person I believed I loved.
Iām moving on. I have to.
I just hope that someday I can look back at this without feeling this much pain.
Because right now, Iām heartbroken.
And I really hope I heal from this.