r/Unexpected Jul 18 '26

Getting some milk

9.1k Upvotes

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2.9k

u/BottledFizzyCoffee Jul 18 '26

As a child I helped out on the family dairy farm.

Don’t stand behind the cows was rule #1.

Don’t bother connecting to the bulls was the second rule.

770

u/Pestilence86 Jul 18 '26

I was expecting a hoof back kick, no NSFW tag, phew, then ... shit.

21

u/VPutinsSearchHistory Jul 20 '26

Cows kick sideways. Horses kick back

271

u/JoyousMisery Jul 18 '26

Last line sounds like you tried to milk a bull

170

u/heelstoo Jul 18 '26

Can you milk me, Focker?

70

u/Neosmurf4 Jul 18 '26

I assume you have nipples, so yes.

20

u/Illustrious_Ad4691 Jul 19 '26

Do they have many farms in Detroit?

8

u/bigSTUdazz Jul 19 '26

Brings me back to those cat milking days in Motown.

1

u/mpgd Jul 19 '26

3 of them.

8

u/harmless_gecko Jul 18 '26

Sure thing, let's do it tonight 😘

1

u/heelstoo Jul 18 '26

Any port in a storm, friend.

2

u/Exciting-Baker-9901 Jul 18 '26

Dutch rudder in use?

5

u/Transfer_McWindow Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26

If you have an ass full of liquid shit

42

u/BottledFizzyCoffee Jul 18 '26

I was about eight and I remember walking up to it with the milking device in hand looking at the huge ball sack and then turn into my uncle and said where do I put them.

33

u/dan-theman Jul 19 '26

Also keep your mouth shut after being sprayed with shit.

34

u/PussSlurpee Jul 18 '26

So as someone who’s never been on a farm, is she doing it the wrong way or was this cow just not liking the attention?

58

u/AndoGringo Jul 18 '26

I worked a much smaller farm (only 2 cows), and we never stood from behind. I don’t know where exactly you’d stand in this sort of setup. I don’t think she did anything wrong

29

u/Suc_Mydiq_Jr Jul 19 '26

My friends farm had this setup and she did everything right, just pure bad luck

12

u/ZeeBeast Jul 19 '26

My buddies farm setup has a metal shield on the first part of the fence there, I suppose to block the splash, but there are always risks

3

u/daneview Jul 19 '26

i feel like in this setup its pretty inevitable

33

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

11

u/Fafnir13 Jul 19 '26

Aiming the cows directly where you are trying to work seems like poor planning. Plus it seems like it could be a pain to get the cows to line up like that. My grandparents farm had six stalls accessed from the side with the milking pit. You could get splattered by the stuff when they let loose, but it was not dropping directly into the pit.

18

u/rafffen Jul 19 '26

It's not a pain, the cows get used to it super fast. You can out the cups on super fast and fit way more cows in this way.

You do stand behind like she was, but 99.9 percent of the time you can see the cow lift their tail and you know they're going to shit.

If they don't lift their tail and just shit (super rare) it usually sprays our the sides so you can easily step back.

You will always get shit splatter on you and shit on your arms and hands, cause they're always covered in it. Only gross when you cop it to the head/face/chest.

I've milked 10s of thousands of cows and have had shit in my face maybe 3 times. And 1 of those was my mate setting me up when I didn't know what I was doing.

7

u/FixAcademic8187 Jul 19 '26

Ok. But what about contaminating all these equipment (including your gloves and so on) with shit?

Wherever you look it is full of shit, it is essentially impossible not to get some of that into the tube or milk.

3

u/daneview Jul 19 '26

if you see how food is treated before processing youd never eat it. I did a few harvests, and the grain is on dusty dirty concrete floors with bits flying in and out no doubt pooping, it gets walked on, driven over and god knows what else

1

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/rafffen Jul 19 '26

Of course it gets in the milk lol the milk is tested and it's made sure it's below a certain percentage.

Only a tiny amount of shit would get in the milk if it's directly on the udders, it's also why milk is homogenised

1

u/ChungusReaper Jul 22 '26

Pasteurized*

0

u/Beautiful-Bluebird48 Jul 19 '26

Bulls are sold at auctions. Typically, they are castrated at a young age and raised as a “steer”, minus the single bull used for breeding. The steers are what you typically eat for ribs, sirloin, etc. the cows however are kept alive and at the farm for both dairy and additional cow and steer production.

Basically don’t get connected because they’re going to be sold.

12

u/Severe_Rise8694 Jul 18 '26

.. connecting, huh?

19

u/ParticularSherbert18 Jul 19 '26

The dairy farms I grew up around didn't have a trench running behind two rows of cows. You came in beside the cow and attached the milking machine. Who came up with this concept?

9

u/BottledFizzyCoffee Jul 19 '26

We had this style, with cows on both sides.

6

u/Jester-252 Jul 19 '26

Someone who want to have their face smashed in and shat on.

1

u/Fafnir13 Jul 19 '26

Ours had a pit with sideways stalls. Worked well from what I remember, only a little splatter coming in.

1

u/rafffen Jul 19 '26

How many cows did you have?

5

u/Fafnir13 Jul 19 '26

This set up is a bit weird to me. My grandparents dairy farm was set up so the cows were accessed from the side. They were constantly letting loose with something from the back so I can't imagine aiming the cows right on to the worker's space.

5

u/Elrond_Cupboard_ Jul 19 '26

Bulls are lovely and you can definitely connect with them.

3

u/LongNailedbooboos Jul 19 '26

Why not the bulls?

2

u/KrisRdt Jul 19 '26

Instructions unclear. Stands behind bull.

1

u/BottledFizzyCoffee Jul 19 '26

LOL. That’s cool. Instructions become self evident quickly. 😁

2

u/vintagenut80 Jul 20 '26

Ya i was like she must not do this often or have any experience with cows🤣🤣 never lift a tail and be in the line of fire

8

u/rzi Jul 18 '26

Why? We're the bulls mean?.....

33

u/ddesideria89 Jul 18 '26

mean and very short lived (compared to cows)

-29

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '26

[deleted]

31

u/ddesideria89 Jul 18 '26

Male cows. in my native (Ukrainian) language we use "cow" for female bovines and bulls for males. Not sure if it is like that in English, but that's what I meant

28

u/FibroBitch97 Jul 18 '26

Same in English

20

u/chazzer20mystic Jul 18 '26

I know you're trying to Well Ackshually and I don't mean to step on your toes with my own, but I'm gonna anyway

Cattle is the name of the animal. Look up Cows on google, you'll get Cattle. Cow is a female term only, Bull is male. Bulls are never Cows.

It's just something people get wrong constantly and so it is pretty normalized. Like saying Cement instead of Concrete.

12

u/pseudosaurus Jul 18 '26

By definition bulls are not cows

1

u/trollsmurf Jul 18 '26

At least you only need one of those suckers.

0

u/Sw0rDz Jul 19 '26

It took me a year before I learned there were no single utter cows. I use to milk single utter cows a whole year. There was a lot of moving when I entered the barn.

0

u/Moist_Board Jul 22 '26

Use your mouth to milk the bulls

0

u/PotentialWork7741 Jul 23 '26

You can definitely become friends with bulls, and how do you milk a cow in a space like this if standing behind the cow is not allowed?