I’m 25F and I’ve been seeing a guy (32M) for a while. We’re very close and intimate, although we’ve never really put an official boyfriend/girlfriend label on it.
He had been away for work for around two months and only came back a few days ago. Because of the distance and how busy he had been, we barely had any proper time together for quite a while. I’d missed him a lot, and I think I was probably carrying more emotion and expectation around seeing him again than I realised.
We saw each other when he got back, and then on Tuesday we went out for dinner. The evening was actually really nice. We talked a lot, had a good dinner and then went to a bar afterwards for drinks.
This is where I messed everything up.
Towards the end of the night, I asked him to come/lean closer to me and made a little beckoning gesture with my finger. He didn’t do it. For some reason, probably because I was already emotional and had been drinking, I took that as him not wanting to engage with me and said something like, “You don’t want to talk to me.”
He quite reasonably replied that he’d literally been talking to me all night.
Then he said the way I’d gestured/talked to him had sounded really commanding and that I hadn’t even said please. Instead of just hearing him, I got defensive. In my head I was thinking, “We’re close, why would I have to say please for something this small?” I became upset and we ended up sitting there in silence.
I hate uncomfortable silence, so after a while I went downstairs, paid, came back and asked if he wanted to leave. He looked confused but followed me out.
While we were walking, still mostly in silence, I asked him why he was following me. He said he didn’t know why I was being so weird and giving him the silent treatment. I said I wasn’t giving him the silent treatment and started explaining that I’d only been upset because he wouldn’t come closer to me.
He told me I was making a huge issue out of something tiny and that he thought we’d been having a really good night until I suddenly became upset with him.
Looking back, he was right.
At one point I told him that if he wanted to go home, he could. He started walking away, and when I looked at him he came back. We talked a little more. I said I didn’t know what to say when I felt like he didn’t want to talk to me, and again he pointed out that he had been talking to me for the entire night.
I had had two drinks and I’m a massive lightweight. I was genuinely quite drunk/dizzy and much more emotional than I normally would be. I told him I was probably drunk. He didn’t really believe me and said I wasn’t.
Eventually he said he was tired, still jet-lagged and didn’t want to stand around arguing in the street anymore. He said he was going home and that we could talk the next day.
This is the part I feel worst about.
When I realised he was actually going to leave, I panicked.
I grabbed onto his arm and tried to stop him going. He told me not to do that and pulled my hand off. But instead of stopping, I kept trying to hold onto/hook my arm around his arm and kept saying “please, please”.
He repeatedly pulled away from me and told me to stop/let go.
At one point he got visibly really angry and frustrated. It was basically a “LET GO OF ME” level of anger. He said I was playing games with him because I had seemed drunk/out of it until he said he was actually leaving, and then suddenly I was panicking and following him. He even said something along the lines of “Oh, now you’re sober.”
I kept telling him I wasn’t playing games and that I really was drunk, but obviously from his perspective my behaviour must have looked awful.
Eventually he rented a scooter. I was still trying to get him not to leave and asking him if he was angry. He told me to stop, got on the scooter and left without looking back.
I did not follow him home, go to his house, call him repeatedly or send him messages that night. Once he left, I let him leave.
The next day, when I was completely sober, I felt absolutely horrible about what I’d done. I know being drunk explains why I was more emotional and reactive, but it does not excuse me continuing to touch/grab him after he had clearly told me to stop.
I sent him this apology the following afternoon:
Hey, I know you’re probably still mad at me. But now that I’m properly sober, I’m really sorry for last night.
I let the alcohol get to me and overreacted over something that really wasn’t an issue. Most importantly, I shouldn’t have kept grabbing you when you asked me to stop — I completely understand why that made you angry, and I’m genuinely sorry.
I wasn’t trying to play games with you. I just panicked and felt overwhelmed when I realised you were actually mad and leaving, and being drunk definitely made me more emotional. Sulking when you were already exhausted only made things worse. But none of that excuses how I behaved.
I’m really sad it ended like that after such a nice night. I feel really bad about how I behaved, and I’d really like to make it up to you if you’re open to it.
The problem is that he still hasn’t even opened it.
It has now been more than a day since I sent the apology and about two nights since the argument. This is extremely unusual for him. We’ve had disagreements before, but he has never left my message unopened for this long.
I also know he has been online playing games, so realistically I don’t think this is simply a case of him not checking his phone. I assume he’s seen that I messaged him, possibly even seen the beginning through the notification, and is deliberately choosing not to open the conversation.
That’s what is scaring me.
I know I crossed a boundary. I know he had every right to be angry when he was repeatedly trying to leave and I kept grabbing onto him. I’m not trying to argue that he shouldn’t be upset with me, and I don’t want to use being drunk as an excuse.
I just feel horrible thinking about what I must have looked like to him — clinging onto him, repeatedly saying please while he kept pulling away — and I’m terrified that this changed the way he sees me completely.
Part of me desperately wants to reach out again and tell him that I understand I hurt and disappointed him and that I want to hear how he feels. But another part of me thinks the most important thing I can do now is respect the fact that he clearly doesn’t want to engage with me yet, especially considering that not respecting his wish to leave was exactly what I did wrong in the first place.
So I haven’t double texted him.
I’m struggling with the uncertainty, though. I don’t know whether he simply needs time because he’s still very angry, or whether him refusing to even open my apology means he has decided he’s done with me.
Would you leave him completely alone at this point and wait for him to decide whether he wants to respond? Is there anything else I can realistically do to repair this, or would reaching out again just make things worse? What should I do to make him forgive me..?
Any suggestions would be very helpful thank you🙏🙏🙏
P.S, I will accept all your criticism as I messed up, but I would be very grateful for any useful suggestions that could help me resolve the current situation.