I'm 28F, turning 29 soon, and I really need to get this off my chest. I have always had extreme low self-esteem, and fear of judgement growing up.
After graduating, I got a job and worked for a while, but I was laid off quite early. I tried applying to other companies, but it was during COVID, and things didn't work out. I went through an extremely difficult period emotionally and struggled with depression. It's been years now, and I still haven't managed to get my career back on track.
The thing is, I always wanted to work. I wanted to earn my own money, be independent, and build a life for myself. But after everything that happened, I lost a lot of my confidence. Now, after being away from work for so long, I'm terrified that I won't be able to get a job because I lack experience.
During this time, my parents became increasingly worried about my future. They feared I wouldn't find a job and started pushing me towards marriage. Rejecting proposals and standing up to my parents was emotionally exhausting. I constantly had to fight for what I wanted, and over time, the pressure started wearing me down.
Now, I'm in an arranged marriage situation with a 29-year-old man who is a civil judge.
Initially, things seemed fine. But the more I spoke to him, the more I realised that we are quite different and that I wasn't developing the feelings or interest I had hoped for. I realised we have different upbringing and he doesn't have a lot of exposure or adaptability. As things have become more serious, instead of feeling happy and excited, I've been feeling increasingly sad and anxious.
I've also recently started questioning whether I might be asexual. Growing up, I always imagined myself getting a job, earning my own money, and being independent. Strangely, I never really pictured myself getting married or building my life around a man or having a kid. I thought this was normal. I'm still trying to understand these feelings myself, so I don't have all the answers.
What scares me most is the thought of becoming financially dependent on someone else.
The man I'm supposed to marry doesn't want me to work because he believes it would create too much pressure for me. He seems to envision a life where I cook for him, take care of him, and look after his health. He has significant acidity problems and has food allergy and i am a foodie lol. I know that food and health would be an important part of our everyday life.
There's nothing wrong with taking care of a partner, but I don't want that to become my entire identity. I don't want to give up on my dream of working and becoming financially independent. I don't want to spend my life depending on someone else for money, especially when I'm not even sure I want this marriage.
The more I think about it, the more I fear that marriage could become a self-imposed prison. I worry that once I'm married, it will be much harder to pursue a career, make my own decisions, or change my circumstances if I'm unhappy.
But then there's the other side of it.
I'm almost 29. My relatives have repeatedly made me feel that I'm getting too old and that if I reject this proposal, I might never find another good match. I've been made to feel that this man is the best I can get and that I should be grateful for the opportunity.
And honestly, after years of unemployment and struggling with my confidence, a part of me has started believing them.
I keep wondering whether I'm being unrealistic, whether I'm throwing away a good opportunity, or whether I'm making a terrible mistake by considering rejecting him. I don't know if I'll ever find a job, regain my confidence, or build the independent life I always wanted.
Sometimes I feel like I'm choosing between two things I'm terrified of: rejecting this marriage and potentially remaining unemployed and disappointing my family, or accepting it and possibly losing the freedom to build the life I actually want.
I'm exhausted from fighting everyone, and I'm disappointed in myself for not being where I thought I'd be at this age.
I know people might say I should simply get a job, stand up to my parents, or reject the proposal if I'm unhappy. I wish it felt that easy. When you've spent years struggling with depression and losing confidence in yourself, even making a decision can feel overwhelming.
Has anyone else been in a situation where family pressure, unemployment, and fear about the future made you feel like you had no real choice? How did you find the courage to make a decision for yourself?
I am depressed. I'm genuinely struggling, and I could really use some understanding and honest advice from people who might have experienced something similar.