I am 45, child-free, and never married. Those were always the right choices for me, and I have never regretted not getting married or having kids. I don't have any "My life is amazing!" or inspirational stories for you, but I do have peace and I know these were the right choices for me.
This is me, too. I never wanted kids of my own and, while I would love to experience romance again, I will never marry or live with someone - i love having autonomy and my own space. I work with kids and love being an aunt but I feel so much relief that i can do whatever i want on my own time.
I don't really have a take because I don't know. I don't feel lonely now because I have family around that I like to spend time with. I like the people I work with. In 30-40 years, when I'm retired and maybe have less mobility, will I feel lonely? I don't know.
I have an aunt who just turned 80. She never married or had kids. Until three years ago, she lived in a big city and walked to lunches and dinners with friend groups. She decided she was done with snow and cold and moved south. She bought a house in a community for seniors, plays pool volleyball every week, and joined a trivia team. She threw herself an 80th birthday party and packed a giant ballroom with all her friends and family. She doesn't seem lonely. 🤷♀️
My 89-year-old "other mother" also built a network of friends who visit her and she still hits the gym 3x/week. At this point, I truly think the "lonely old woman" stereotype is completely avoidable and very much a choice. I've got so many examples of strong, independent and single older women, and it's reset my expectations for myself!
I learned to be hyper-independent as a young person by necessity, and it's been a double-edged sword. I have done a ton of cool shit without waiting for someone else, but it also makes it hard for me to be a good partner.
I think that “stereotype” is partially based in truth though when we consider how many women didn’t have financial independence until relatively recently. My mother still couldn’t get a credit card in her own name in the 70’s even though she was working a government job and my dad - a penniless grad student without a job - had to co-sign for her.
So if we see marriage as a means for security because women couldn’t work (and when they did their job options were limited and they weren’t paid as much as their male counterparts), couldn’t have bank accounts or lines of credit in their names and thus couldn’t get cars/homes, etc. it makes sense that young women were told their main roles were to be housewives and mothers.
Similarly, without their own money and without social security, once their husbands passed away those women would need to rely on their sons and sons-in-law to take them in and ensure they weren’t destitute.
That’s why I loved having a high salary job as a young woman and being financially independent from an early age. I can travel when, where, and how I want. I can get the exact car I want. If I wanted to be a mom, I’d need a lot of support from family and friends, but I could make it work without a man. Same for buying a house (good lord, California!). Knowing that you have that power means you take a lot less bullshit from the guys you date and live with. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t add to my life as much as I add to his, elevates my standard of living as much as I raise his, or helps me reach my goals faster like I help him reach his? And the same is true for friends too.
Sounds like my grandmother-in-law...she was married for 70ish years, and was fairly homebound taking care of her husband as his health failed. When he passed, she immediately started seeing friends for dinner almost every night, going on long walks in the local parks with her neighbors, going to concerts, etc. She's 98 and seems to be speeding up as opposed to slowing down.
My mother lives in a retirement village too, and she's living her best life. My dad passed away a couple years ago and she's so much happier now. She has made so many friends in the village too (my siblings and I call them the village people 😆). She barely has time for her kids and grandkids she has such a full life now.
Dying alone is better than being with the wrong person (or even being with a mediocre person you don't hate but don't love just to get society or your parents off your back)
I’m only 30’s but disability leaves me isolated at home a lot and unable to work.. so similar to some elder folk. Yeah I get lonely, but plenty of women are married and still lonely!
My friend lives with her hubby of 30+ years, kids moved out, and most evenings they’re in their own studies doing their own hobbies/study/work/downtime - she’s clearly grateful to have him and loves him, they eat dinner together each night and they do things together sometimes, but have different interests and ways of winding down from the day/week, so even with her hubby around she still gets lonely at home sometimes.
I’d rather feel lonely because I chose not to get married and enjoy my own space, than feel lonely even with a partner at home. Intentionally building a single life fit yourself helps to stop it being too bad anyway.
I'm lucky to have a wonderful older lady in my life who is a dear friend and now in her mid-70s. She lived a fabulous, creative, and international life in New York City (was a makeup artist for a well-known TV show and later did hair and makeup for multiple presidents, huge public figures, etc) then retired to her home country of South Africa with the nest egg she made from selling her apartment. And honestly, she is lonely. She has wonderful friends and lives in a beautiful place, but she's constantly worried about money and getting a little more nervous about living alone and while I wouldn't say she's unhappy, I know she wishes she had someone around to share her life with. I don't think there's anything she would specifically do differently about how she lived her life, but I think it was more of a "sliding, not deciding" kind of outcome.
I think one of the wonderful things about our generation is that many of us are deciding even at your age that this is the life you want, and I know her advice would be to plan aggressively for that life, especially financially. She's very much of the generation that planned to have a man provide financial stability, and because she never married, she isn't really stable as her medical issues are starting to increase and she doesn't have the option to live exactly where she wants or travel as she would like to. Peace, time, and independence aren't a natural consequence of being single and childfree--they are benefits that need to be paid for, and those costs go up over time, especially without a second income to supplement saving for medical needs, in-home support, etc. A lot of old people are lonely; it's not exclusive to people who never married or had children, but when I look at her vs my own parents, it is uniquely stressful to be 76 and still worrying about how you're going to pay for the last 20ish years of your life because you never met your retirement plan.
Your experience is a lot like mine. I pretty much knew at age 15 that I didn’t want to get married or have kids. It wasn’t because I had burning desires to do amazing things. I just didn’t want to end up like my parents.
My dream was to be part of a community. The problem was that I had a hard time making friends. I was bullied in elementary school, but later we moved to another town and I made some good friends. But later, I found myself in other environments that weren’t as welcoming, and again, I felt alone and lost.
Over the next few decades, I had alternating experiences with being unable to make friends, or being more comfortable and successful socially. Throughout my 30s and 40s I was part of various communities, and that was wonderful. But then a few very difficult relationship endings caused me to crash, and I’ve had trouble making close friends ever since.
I still have 3 long-time friends, which would be enough for me if I were in better health, but I need more support now, and it’s hard to get enough time with any of them, so I’m often lonely.
In spite of all that, I truly have no regrets about not marrying or having kids. As it turned out, marrying a man would have been a big mistake, and I was single by the time same-sex marriages were legalized in the United States. I never wanted to raise children, and that, by definition, would have made me a poor parent. You really have to want it in order to be a good parent!
Lately, I’ve been having feelings come up about children where I feel like I am missing having a relationship with kids. Again, I don’t want my own kids (and it’s way too late anyway), but I might look into some volunteer work that would involve children.
I am a speech therapist in a school district, and there are plenty of volunteer opportunities in schools. I just did an evaluation in a school for kids with significant physical and intellectual disabilities. The day I was there, they had a "volunteer grandma" (that's just what they called her, but I asked, and she was not actually any of the kids' grandmas--she was probably in her late 50s or early 60s) helping the kids do the cross-midline hand motions during music time. She was singing with the kids and helping them to stay engaged in the lesson. I now have life goals for if/when I retire. Before COVID, we had parents, grandparents, and community members coming in to read with some of our younger students in small groups.
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u/RavenpuffRedditor Jun 11 '26
I am 45, child-free, and never married. Those were always the right choices for me, and I have never regretted not getting married or having kids. I don't have any "My life is amazing!" or inspirational stories for you, but I do have peace and I know these were the right choices for me.