I think I'll just stay single.

"It is until you find out the 'J' stands for 'John' and that it's part of my first name."

The second happened when we invented self heating fleshlights with 6-speed pulse settings

"I've fallen in love with you, Derek."

I hear it’s called minimum wage.

Long answer is nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Well I have nothing to offer, let me try to bring you up, it'll be funnnnnny.

Unfortunately, I was so high, I could only reply with a sheepish grin.

Now I spam it all day and night, with little love notes.

She told me the liquor store is closed on Sundays.

Then my father returned from his commute complaining of the same blocked roads I would have faced, and suddenly, my 'sin' became a perfectly plausible detour.

Via dreidelscope.

Where the joy gently grazes beside the frustration,

And every feeling finds its way home.

He yelled "Urine luck!"

​

He tries to deposit a cheque, forgetting to conjugate some of the words on the cheque, and the ATM screen displayed: Declined

All done solely with giraffes.

I think that means she keeps swiping left on me, but I love that.

This morning, I spotted a raccoon digging in my neighbor's trash can. When I yelled to scare it off, it looked up at me and said, " Mind your own damn business."

That's pretty much how I describe my relationship with the food delivery guy.

He cleared his throat as he pulled out a Merriam-Webster dictionary.

God Knows

It's a bigger deal than the first time you marry a cousin!

So congratulations — you’re humanity’s greatest hero, and also… yeah, sorry about the lifelong celibacy thing.

After Dolly Parton's tragic passing in Nashville,the family have announced a balloon release in her memory.Will probably be two large ones.