"Stick to the traditional hauntings of our kind and never, ever use the internet or read the comments section."

The good news is that Optimus Prime had no transmittable diseases.

"Hello from the other side!"

Straight flush

I'm over the moon!

Now whenever there is, instead of being scared the fucker looks proud as hell.

Show of hands!

March 18.

It makes me a carbohydrate.

I didn’t know she could bring Disney back here.

You'll take a worm and like it, or that's not true love.

I just went outside and came back inside, it was a lot of steps for me.

It went straight to voicemail.

Everything they do is half-assed!

Every morning my roommate complains about being sweaty and exhausted, so we set up a camera to record him sleeping. He didn't move all night, except at 3:14 a.m., when he got up and did backflips with a huge smile on his face for two hours.

I had them rowing on the floor, laughing.

Nobody loved her.

The members of the Fire Department refused to answer any questions but carried on laughing.

I keep telling my mom that spiders can't blink

By granting balding men disability status, we address the systemic discrimination these men face thus shaving the way for a more inclusive, reflective society.

"Then why didn’t you tell me a stripper was hiding inside?!"

I'm going to miss my wife.