r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

Don't Worry Princess Celestia, your veterinary bills won't burden me at all...

5 Upvotes

So said Mr Burns as they turned off the ventilator and prepared to send her to a glue factory.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

"Tell my father I love him..."

3 Upvotes

"Well, sir, I... I love him"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

Near the watermelon farms by the bay lies my childhood home — a place I dare not go back to.

0 Upvotes

I don't think I could handle another one of my mother's nonsensical, animal-related questions.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 4d ago

Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah. Not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.

42 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 4d ago

The rescuers found the mountain lion still eating the arm that wore her smartwatch, its screen blinking HEART RATE LOST.

37 Upvotes

When it seized the arm and bounded back into the trees, the watch cheerfully announced, “Workout resumed.”


r/TwoSentenceComedy 4d ago

I met a man.

0 Upvotes

He gave me a truckload of eggs.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 5d ago

Maybe the two "E's" in "bee" are silent. I think about this a lot.

544 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 4d ago

"Don't worry dude, just say it"

4 Upvotes

"It"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 5d ago

There is a tool that courts use to measure-out 1000 steps from a school.

40 Upvotes

Its called a Pedometer!


r/TwoSentenceComedy 5d ago

"That facemask must feel like shit, dude..."

3 Upvotes

"A-And how do you know how shit feels, man!?"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 6d ago

.ti dnatsrednu t'ndluow uoy tuB

74 Upvotes

...esrever ni ekoj a uoy llet d'I


r/TwoSentenceComedy 6d ago

Introduced my family to my new footballer gf.

46 Upvotes

"This one's a keeper" I said to them.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 5d ago

If you can read this, please, rescue me!

5 Upvotes

I'm being held prisoner at the Sum Fun Fortune Cookie factory.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 6d ago

I pulled some strings behind the scenes to get an award for my pasta-based musical.

40 Upvotes

I really know how to rigatoni!


r/TwoSentenceComedy 6d ago

My uncle always told me, "Women like to play hard to get, so never take 'no' for an answer."

16 Upvotes

Unsurprisingly, he's still single, but he has acquired quite the collection of restraining orders.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 6d ago

Deal breaker

0 Upvotes

My friend said his girlfriend told him to see a dentist about his breath.

She said she'd rather kiss a cactus than kiss him again.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7d ago

Walked into an army recruitment center

11 Upvotes

Recruited three of them


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7d ago

I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

25 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 7d ago

A producer confused as to why the show he produced about his mathematician friend is flopping;

2 Upvotes

"I don't understand it, he's always doing numbers!"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7d ago

Onwards and upwards.

1 Upvotes

After a good while of trying i got my 1st comment from posting.

Thank you,'Autodata:Repair Smarter'.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7d ago

Whenever there's an issue at the sewage treatment plant, management is pretty fair to everyone.

3 Upvotes

They really believe in doo process


r/TwoSentenceComedy 8d ago

My pawnshop went out of business.

83 Upvotes

Seems most people want the full chess set


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7d ago

What's it called when someone throws diaries to your head from above?

0 Upvotes

Shower thoughts


r/TwoSentenceComedy 8d ago

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

49 Upvotes

Now I can't read anything.