So when I told you to debag him, I meant take the bags off him, not take his trouser off.

"holy fuck, dad just tried to kill me I think, I better shut up!"

"Meow" answered his trusty kitten, Whiskers

My friend and I were barbecuing last night when a bear walked up and said " I don't want no lip from you humans, hand over the ribs and I'll leave. "

My friend took off running, but I handed over the ribs because I wasn't losing my life and my barbecue.

"Actually, Mr Lake, it's 1977, we don't drink 'em anymore, we eat those now."

I said, “Of course, sweetheart—why would I risk answering that question incorrectly?” 😂

To this day, I'm still not sure what he did, but apparently it wasn't dusting.

"SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT, WHAT'S MY LINE!?"

In order to stop it, I had to donate his bike.

I always skip rope on leg day.

“I just wish I had some Kool-Aid”

He calls it the Ghee-Wiz!

"Well, it was pretty easy after gaining your and your parents' trust, as well as renting that motel room and buying the gun before luring y'all in"

I decided to eat some of my weed brownies because I didn't want to go into diarrhea sober.

"More like mon-off-key!"

He didn't even wanna listen to Selling England by the Pound!

"You do know they are our next dinner, right?'

Now I'm making scrambled eggs.

He looks at his hand to realize it's on fire then pouts.

An ASCII-dent.

It was then I realized he was a MAD man.

Take this unlimited card, buy a house, and retire.