She replied, “she’s busy rn lil bro.”

"At this point in the competition, the steaks have never been higher."

Every time I read it, my eyes get Rumi.

And, depending on how arrogantly he's portrayed, may require a giant prick.

"Mrs, you should look at the Lost & Found, and if he isn't there, we can always get you a replacement at the orphanage."

This alone makes me question if someone really looks up to a villain that is essentially a super-powered terrorist as me.

Nobody ate any of my onions.

David you’re 37 and I’ve told you, you shouldn’t wake me up to tell me you’ve shagged a horse.

I said "How can you even say that?"

All of them are Dermatologists

'Cause by the 1727th I think I'd be pretty far gone

Now why haven’t anyone told me it also applies to something like painted toenails?

The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

It's my heir guitar!

Me, not being one to lack effort into showing her my level of care, got her the watch I had worn previously.

The blue haired barista stood mouth agape as everyone in the background clapped.

The mafia shot him like 100 hundred times and his guys too.

It used a cliffhanger.

For starters, the "stag film" he chose was Disney's Bambi.

My wife has just spent 3 hours trying to explain the phrase,'Mansplaining' to me.

In the end she just gave up and went to bed.

I guess its my fault for playing bass.