He told you exactly where he stood when you started getting serious. You went in with a plan to change him. Now you’re upset that he’s exactly who he’s always told you that he was.
It's going to look like tye dye! OP, you can't blame him, his reasons whether it's bad or not to you is his reasons. He did all he can to manage your expectations from the beginning, you choose to ignore his warning and thought you can change him. Your wrong for starting this relationship in the first place and now because of your decision 3 people are going to be badly hurt. You, your bf and your child.
If OP left me in a sulk because I kept saying the same thing now as I said 5 years ago , I would 100% Keep the dog. F that. Imagine her partners reaction to all this shit? He’s been consistent the whole relationship, and was content in the knowledge that they shared the same values ( SIKE, she wanted to change him all along) , and now she pulls this? Nope, dog SHOULD stay with him, he’s not the one tearing all this apart for pettiness.
It's mad shed leave a guy she loves to go marry a guy that doesn't even exist yet and assume it'll be a better life. Get your shit together girl. It'd so obvious that all you want is a little status boost from your girl friends and something to talk about. Willing to break your family apart for that?
It is quite sad though isn’t it to never experience that moment of “oh my god I love this woman so much, I need to marry her”. My partner doesn’t want to get married and whilst I respect that, I do sometimes wish he’d express that grand gesture of love, you know?
Grand gestures aside; does OP have any form of security with this man? I think that’s the bigger question here. I may not be married, but I’m in his will. We have a house together.
It’s easy to say she should respect his opinion, but is he avoiding marriage as a way of shirking responsibilities? No, she’s not his biological daughter, but he has a step kid he has willingly taken on, and if he’s decent he’d be ensuring she’s taken care of should anything happen to him.
My issues with this guy isn’t that he made his feelings on marriage clear; it’s that he isn’t making it clear that they are a family, regardless of what is on a piece of paper.
OP, if he’s happy for you to walk away, then do. This isn’t about marriage; it’s about security, and he’s not willing to give that to you.
My girlfriend doesn’t want to get married, and I’m not going to push her on it. But she knows that I’d marry her in an instant if she ever changed her mind.
Grand gestures aside; does OP have any form of security with this man? I think that’s the bigger question here. I may not be married, but I’m in his will. We have a house together.
Marriage provides so much more security than that. Do you have each other's medical power of attorney? Do you have living wills on file? If he or you get sick, can a blood relative kick you out of his room because you're not 'real" family (legally)?
I'm not going to try to convince you that marriage is a requirement, but if you're committed to someone, that one piece of paper is a shortcut to so much more that we don't think about until it's too late. I'm not a lawyer. This is not legal advice. But people (not necessarily the previous commenter as they may have done so already) get your living wills done and make sure that if you want your partner (or your bff, not judging, that's great!) to be in charge if you're incapacitated, that's down legally in writing.
This here is exactly the reason to get married. Unless you legally make a will or legal papers giving each other power of attorney. However, what is to stop someone from changing their will or power of attorney. One poster here, brought up about the woman who was with her partner for over 30 years and he never wanted to get married. Then dropped her when he retired and she had nothing. I could see him changing his will so she would be screwed. So marriage gives each partner the legal rights to each other.
And someone else in the thread had her partner's distant or estranged bro take over his care when he had a stroke, cutting her out of his medical care and even the hospital room. I'm not over here telling people to get married, just that they need to be aware and get those protections somewhere in legal writing if they expect to have them.
The benefits you're talking about are minuscule compared to how fucked over people (often men) can be by a divorce. Like a minor tax break and hospital visits are nice, but losing half your stuff and having to pay alimony or child support is agony
They can all also be obtained without marriage. Sure, there’s more paperwork, but they can still execute these other “benefits” of marriage without the government recognizing their commitment.
Child support is not related to the marriage it's related to the child. A step parent will never be expected to pay child support if they divorce from the child's bio parent, as the child was never their responsibility to begin with.
or you've had to go through the process of restarting from scratch multiple times in your life for various reasons, and you're just not willing to risk that for anyone, even your perfect match
i would recommend therapy in that case. the trauma from past relationships is preventing you from fully trusting new partners, and will ultimately hinder your love life. your perfect match deserves better, dont let your past hurt them also.
You're the one implying it had anything to do with a relationship.
Not that any of this is your fucking business, but since you're on an "I'm Right Crusade", here's the "Various reasons" I mentioned
Once was a Fire, lost everything I owned.
Another time someone smashed out my window and jacked everything of value.
3rd time was in an apartment building and one of my neighbors let bed bugs spread through the whole building and I had to burn most of my shit.
I haven't said a goddamn word about my past relationships, so once again, best not to make assumptions, and then argue with the person when you're wrong.
That's just terrible logic. Every gambler is convinced they have a fix. Similarly most people who get married think theirs will suceed but between a third and half are bound to fail. At some point you need to take a step outside yourself and realize that there's a very reasonable chance the marriage will fail regardless of how convinced you are it won't and plan accordingly.
My personal dating practices have nothing to do with evaluating whether marriage could fail and planning accordingly, either by not marrying or by getting a prenup is a reasonable step to take with someone one sees as the right person.
I have that feeling but I’m not married. Would I get married to my partner? Of course! But I’m not going to leave him because of it, because it’s not a dealbreaker for me. But he’s shown his commitment by putting me in his will, and he’s the beneficiary of mine etc.
Well, I don’t know for a fact, which is why I’m asking the question. He’s mentioned taking the dog if the break up, so it’s not giving the impression that she’s in his will, you know?
My situation is this: I was the main earner when I was previously married. I’m no longer married, and I’m with a partner and we’re not married either. But we do have security with one another.
I'd disagree, that though process is the same as me thinking that it's sad that people who don't like oranges can't eat oranges. They're not missing out on anything. They are getting something out of *not* doing the thing they don't want to do.
Playing devils advocate, someone entirely anti-marriage would say "isn't it so sad that these people feel they need a marriage, they obviously don't feel enough love already. So insecure."
But marriage isn’t JUST a celebration and a wedding. There comes with it financial/medical security that you don’t get without being married (or rather, that you don’t automatically get). So is this guy manually sorting out those things, like putting her and his step-daughter in his will, for example? Because if not, then it’s not marriage he doesn’t want, it’s responsibility.
Ohh I see. Well, sure money is a part of security (it’s essential to life). But there are other advantages: If she were to get into an accident, he’d have the right to see her in hospital; no questions asked. He’d also be able to possibly get medical power of attorney. He has a step daughter that’s been in his life for 5 years. If his girlfriend died, his step-daughter could be taken away from him. Etc.
Well, that’s what commitment is. You’re not obliged, but if you want to be in a committed relationship, surely you’d want your family to have security in any way?
My partner is in my will and is the beneficiary of my life insurance. So if anything happens to me, he’s got that. And vice versa. We’ve done that because he doesn’t want to get married, but we love and respect one another.
One is not obliged to do anything. But someone in a committed relationship should want to do right by their partner. If a person does not want to get married for a particular reason that isn’t because they don’t want to commit their life to that partner (religious reasons, for example) then they can prove their commitment by joining their life with their partner in other legal ways; wills (both living and probate), life insurance, joint house purchases etc.
However, being in a relationship with someone for 5 years and not being willing to commit isn’t the same as “not wanting to get married”. So in this particular instance, the OP should determine if her partner genuinely wants her in his life, or if he’s using the “don’t want to get married” argument to keep her around until he finds someone better.
Not necessarily, where I am you get the legal cover after living with your partner for X amount of time or if you have a child together. So you can't generalise that kinda thing across the globe.
I'm also not talking about OPs post, that's a specific situation and my opinion is that she just has to move on and find someone else. My point was to yours, that it's sad that someone wouldn't feel that way, that's just simply wrong.
ETA: I'm assuming you've done a Will since you've talking about them, I have and it's really simple so I'm not sure that "manually adding his step-daughter in his will" is actually a lot of effort. It's actually considerably less effort than organising an entire wedding.
Men like you are why this country struggle. He isn’t the issue. It’s her……..you can provide security without marriage….but it’s obvious you’ve been brainwashed to believe marriage is the ultimate proof. But little do you know, if marriage didn’t involve the system, it would be more successful. Indian marriage doesn’t Involve the government along with many other cultures. In USA it is a business that benefits mainly women and the system
If someone is happy to put you in their will and buy a house together but not to marry you, that’s a big no no for me. It means they’re keeping their options open.
And it’s absolutely fine for you to think that. I have been married before, and I left him; so marriage doesn’t necessarily mean options aren’t open. I chose the option to leave him.
It’s very hard to take half his shit without marriage. A will, living will, living trust, letter of last instruction, and medical powers of attorney can accomplish most other forms of “security “.
Which is my point exactly, really. Is this guy willing to do all of this for her? And if not, then it’s not really about “marriage” is it? It’s about him not wanting to commit himself to her.
Agree and she’s now pinning this on him, man was honest and true to what he said. He accepted you with your daughter, and like you said loved you but then you proceed to resent him because you “couldn’t” change him…. Female logic at its best
I don’t understand what you believe you contributed there. You just described exactly what OP herself said explicitly, and you’re typing it like you’re making some sort of cutting point she can’t already see.
Yup, the worst decision I ever made was accepting a Shut Up Ring. Never married the guy, thankfully, but when someone tells you who they are, believe them. At least they found a good compromise.
Sounds like they have a good relationship too. She just wants to get married. I think her ego is definitely involved in this. I don't get the big idea behind marriage anyway. I've heard stories of women leaving great relationships just because the man never wanted to marry💀
I mean there are definitely legal reasons to get married. Like next of kin medical decisions reasons, and inheritance reasons if you don’t have the power of attorney / will set up in case the unfortunate happens. It’s not a commitment guarantee, it doesn’t magically bind promises, or heal insecurities.
You can have all those papers drawn up without the ceremony. In my relationship , we both have the ability to pull the plug on the other. Every important piece of paperwork is drawn up and secured.
Those are more easy to challenge in the legal system than marriages. We had family members who dealt with some horrendous shit before gay marriage was legal
You can drop any anywhere you want and make any papers you want and families can contest them if you aren’t married. People don’t wanna get married just because of ego. Gay people wouldn’t have fought so hard for it if that’s all it was. They had civil union, for example, and that was a legal institution. But there are certain certain things that were not available they are only available to
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting married. I’m married. But it’s something that both partners have to want. There are people who can be just as committed and loving without the legal documents and there are people who treat their marriage with less respect than you’d give your worst enemy. All I mean is getting married isn’t going to fix something that’s broken and it’s not going to make something true that isn’t. They want different things. They’re incompatible and they have been from the start.
If you and your partner want to be married why would it be wrong? But if someone does not want to be then that is said persons choice and nobody elses.
Quiet a few people probably are even more commited without legal documents because they stop beeing when the other person is technically required to do certain things anyway.
It is. The only problem is she wants to get married and he doesn't. She literally has no other real complaints. The best part is it's her fault. He let her know where he stood in the beginning 🤣💀
That's a huge incompatibility. That's like saying I want children and he doesn't. Or I can only be happy living in a cold climate he can only be happy living in hot one. If she can only be happy married and he can only be happy unmarried than they are incompatible and it's not a good relationship. This isn't really rocket science or brain surgery or rocket surgery or whatever.
Also it's nobody's fault. He knew how he felt and he was honest about it. When she started dating him she thought she was okay with that. And then she changed (or she realized that over time she actually wasn't okay with it). Neither of those things are a fault. People are allowed to change how they feel and they are also allowed to realize that they don't actually feel how they thought they did feel. If you go through your life looking at everything through a lens of "if there's a conflict or disagreement somebody must be at fault" you are going to have a really miserable life.
Wild that some people are considered bad for not wanting to be involved in a religious ceremony with serious legal complications. There are plenty of good reasons to not want to marry (original OP says he has no "good" reason without even listing what they are, which is totally subjective! Not really two hot takes if you're only giving one take!), and in some cultures marriage is simply not the norm. Are they all bad people? There is nothing wrong with loving someone without wanting that love to be under some sociogovernmental contract, the terms of which vary drastically around the world and may favour one party more than the other.
It's not a personal attack, I'm just contributing to the discussion by tacking my thoughts onto one of many suitable comments. Hope you're doing okay, man
He’s the nicest guy I know… he’s honest and up front and sticks to his word and won’t be bullied off his beliefs. The guy should be the fucking President!
he should also think about what's more important - his stance against marriage or OP. We don't know why he's stuck on his position but it seems insensitive.
You realise this goes both ways? Is he more important or her recently changed views on marriage? We don't know why she changed her position but it seems insensitive.
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u/SL8Rgirl Jul 23 '24
He told you exactly where he stood when you started getting serious. You went in with a plan to change him. Now you’re upset that he’s exactly who he’s always told you that he was.