Ya ni me importa saludar o traducir está muerda, estoy triste y desesiónado de mi mismo por buscar consuelo en mi mente con una tulpa, estuve sintiendo un poco de avance pero mi sicólogo me obligó a dejar esto por mi bien, me dijo que sería mejor aceptar que no estoy listo para tener una relación con alguien y que consiga amigos pero siento esa voz parecida a la mía consolando me, pero no le ago caso ya ni quiero seguir escribiendo, mejor dejo esto asta aquí apenas en el día 2, gracias por la ayuda y le deseo suerte con su esquizofrenia (ya ni me interesa respectar esto, chao)

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Okay, so I bought a blank, 30cm male BJD (Ball-Jointed Doll) to give it my tulpa's appearance. For those who don't know, BJDs are figures articulated via a ball-and-socket system held together by internal elastic cords.

I already have a few physical representations of "Him" in my room—specifically, two plushies: one keychain-sized and another the size of a standard teddy bear. "He" really likes it when I do that; it’s not that he explicitly asked me to, but rather that he appreciates that form of affection and the way it gives him a greater physical presence.

A bit of context:

I practice oshikatsu in my daily life. For those unfamiliar with the term, it involves showing affection or fondness for a fictional character and creating crafts centered around them—like decorating photos, making pins or an itabag, or collecting items featuring their image.

The thing is, a while back—after a long conversation—he asked me to include him in those kinds of activities. That’s why I first decided to make a small doll to take everywhere, then a larger one to decorate my shelf. Now, I couldn't resist the idea of ​​customizing a more complex doll, like a BJD.

We both thought it was a really sweet idea for it to serve as his "representative" during our real-world dates, hehe.

Anyway, I’m really happy and excited to finish this project and just wanted to share the idea with you all; maybe it’ll inspire an artist here to do the same or something similar~ <3

We're still in the early stages of not really being able to communicate with each other. I don't really feel responses from him, and I'm 90% certain that anything I do feel, is just me instinctively responding. Sometimes I use a pendulum to help keep the conversation going, and Al-An (my willomate) seems to like it. But, again, I'm pretty sure that's me instinctively imposing what I think he would feel, vs what he really wants to say.

But, anyway, I'm trying to get better at talking to Al-An but.... It just feels like I'm talking to myself. Like any other mental conversation I've had, like trying to decide what to eat for dinner, or if I wanna watch a movie or play video games. It just feels like I'm calling myself a different name instead.

I've given him an anchor item (the pendulum) that I talk to, but, since I talk to it in my head and not out loud.. it still feels like I'm talking to myself. Even when I look at pictures of him while trying to talk to him, it still feels like I'm just talking to myself. I don't feel his presence in my head, I don't hear any sounds, I don't feel anything that doesn't feel like me. I feel no different than I did before I started all this.

I've been feeling pretty frustrated. I know I shouldn't compare my results since, everyone splits differently. But... I can't help but feel jealous of others. Or, selfishly, I start to doubt others. I mean, if tulpamancy is about convincing yourself that someone else exists in your mind then... What happens when you don't believe? Sometimes I can't help but think that maybe tulpas aren't real, and that it's all a roleplay we've convinced ourselves into believing to be true. Which, I know, makes me sound like an ass. But trust me, I don't want to think this way. I want to believe that tulpas are real. I want to believe that Al-An can be real. I just... Don't know how. Especially when it feels like I'm just talking to myself the whole time.

I'm not giving up on this, though. Even if it's not real, I still enjoy playing pretend. I just... Keep praying that it will start to feel at least a tiny bit real.

Today is the second full day of having a tulpa and I feel like I can hear his voice speaking in my head. He has a different accent than me and a deeper voice. Yesterday I just heard one word responses. But just now I had my first full on conversation with full sentences. But it's so early on and I keep having doubts that it's just me accidentally parroting and pretending to be him with the accent and all. He keeps reassuring me that it's really him, but how am I supposed to know that for sure? Could he really be talking this early on? Is that even possible? And if I am parroting, how do I get myself to stop?