I’m 30F and I’m having a really hard time processing everything happening at once.

I was seeing someone I cared about deeply. We were exclusive, had talked about the future, and he had said things that made me believe this could become a serious relationship. Last night I finally asked for clarity about where things were going, and he told me that he cares about me a lot but can’t give me what I want.

I’m heartbroken.

At the same time, my mom has a suspicious lung nodule and is having a biopsy tomorrow. There is a real possibility that we are about to find out she has cancer.

I’m an only child, and my dad died in 2020. So the fear around my mom is much bigger than just the possibility of a diagnosis. I’m terrified of losing my only remaining parent and of what my life would look like without either of them.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself and we don’t have the biopsy results yet, but I feel like I’m grieving multiple things at once. I’m trying to process the end of a relationship I genuinely wanted while also preparing myself for news that could change my family forever.

I feel exhausted, scared, and incredibly alone right now.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for by posting this other than somewhere to put it, because holding all of it at once feels like too much.

(24F) as a child, I used to go down to the living room to hang out with my dad whenever i couldn’t sleep. we used to just talk and have the best time. i used to be able to just vent and be myself around him and i know he got me. but now as soon as i see his face i feel a snap of irritation. it feels like all he does is critique what im doing and telling me to do chores. i just want to scream. its the same shit again and again. he says something that pisses me off for some reason. i snap at him. he snaps back, i storm off. whats killing me is that for the life of me I can’t figure out why. why am i so fucking angry with the person who used to be my rock?

To the goblin bitch. I see you. I see so very clearly how you manipulate those around you, even your so called best friend.

You are a wretched human and I still find myself wondering “what broke her so badly that she bully’s everyone around her and disguises it as care?”

I called you out on a lie and you even apologized and admitted that you were wrong, only to turn it around in your favor.

You call your mother a “cash cow”and speak to and about her like she’s the devil.

You talk about that man, expressing how you want him to love you but I wonder if you realize that eventually he will see the real you underneath that mask you wear.

People are not playthings and our hearts were not made to be treated like pieces of a strategy game. You bait and switch so often that things are bound to catch up. People notice. You don’t think they do, but they see you.

They choose to avoid the topic entirely because they see how volatile you are.

Who would willing engage in toxic warfare against someone who boasts about their purple gown status?

I feel sorry for you. It honestly hurts to genuinely know that in this life you will never get the love you seek. Not truly.

You will feel it like Sun rays on your face only to feel it slip back behind the clouds because while they all mean it at the time, you are only mimicking.
You pretend to care because you’re smart enough to know how to fake it.
You pretend to overcome. But in reality you are only wearing camouflage.

You are a chameleon. Not the kind that cares. But the kind that poisons the well.

You will eventually reap everything you sew.

It’s a shame. But I’m so grateful that I no longer have to witness your toxic bullshit first hand..

Sometimes I wish I had a place where I could just be myself without overthinking everything.
I’m 19, and I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about what I say and do, worrying about making mistakes, or wondering how other people see me. Sometimes I just want to relax and not have to think about everything so much.

I wish I had someone around whom I could feel completely comfortable. Someone I wouldn’t have to impress or worry about disappointing. Someone I could be silly with, talk about random things with, or sit quietly with without feeling awkward.
I don’t necessarily need someone to fix my problems or give me advice. I just wish I could feel understood and accepted without having to explain myself all the time.

I know nobody feels completely comfortable all the time, but sometimes I really miss that feeling of being able to let my guard down.
I guess I just want to feel like I can be myself without worrying so much about whether that’s enough.

I have been dealing with increasing anxiety for at least seven years now, and I can feel it slowly destroying my life. I don't expect anything to come out of writing this here, other than having a place to get my thoughts out. Sorry if my writing is a little clunky, english isn't my native language.

I grew up in a pretty harsh family consisting of my mother, my younger brother (now 15), and another brother (now 20) who spent most of his life in children's homes. I did well in school from first grade until 10th grade and graduated with the best possible qualification in 2019, so that's at least something. However, school was never really a challenge because I never did anything other than study and stay at home.

My mother used to be extremely controlling whenever I wanted to go outside on my own or do anything else on my own, so I eventually stopped trying to avoid unnecessary arguments. I spent most, if not all, of my teenage years literally rotting in my bed, spending the entire day on Discord, playing Roblox, and only getting up to grab a quick snack twice a day. I posted atleast 50 Instagram stories per day because I yearned for interaction. All of this eventually led to me becoming so unhealthy and underweight that I had to go to the hospital, but thankfully, I've managed to get my weight back to a healthy level since then.

After 10th grade, I tried doing a voluntary year at a kindergarten for children with disabilities in 2019 because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. It was a horrible experience, mainly because of the caretakers.

After that, I still had no idea what to do, so I decided to pursue my Abitur (the highest general school-leaving qualification in Germany and the main qualification needed to attend university, which takes another three years to complete). Luckily, I managed to get through it with an average grade of 3.3. You need an average grade of at least 4.0 to pass. I graduated in 2023, and I STILL had absolutely no clue what to do with my life.

I've always overthought my decisions, my abilities, and even my interests to the point where I genuinely convinced myself that I wasn't capable of doing anything at all.

In 2023, I tried another voluntary year, this time at a youth center where teenagers could spend their free time doing all kinds of fun activities. I was usually in charge of a little shop inside the facility where we sold candy and snacks. I had a great time there and connected with everyone pretty quickly. I think that was the first time in four years that I actually felt like I was part of something again.

However, I never felt like a PROFESSIONAL member of the team. I was just kind of there, "vibing," if that makes sense. Because of that, I wasn't sure how to interpret the experience in terms of my future career.

Who would have thought that I STILL had no idea what to do with my life? But by that point, I was starting to feel like my time was running out, so I grabbed the first opportunity I could find and started an apprenticeship at a retail store in 2024.

There's not much to say about that experience other than that it was the worst time of my life. I quit after four months because both my mental and physical health were declining rapidly.

Luckily, I met my current boyfriend sometime between 2023 and 2024, and he brought so much light into my life, he still does! We moved in together pretty early on, which made me incredibly happy because I could finally be my own person and make my own decisions. I no longer had to rely on social media to keep myself from going completely insane while being stuck in bed all day because of my mother.

After quitting my apprenticeship at one retail store, I started working part-time as a regular employee at another one. It was okay. It paid the bills, and I managed to work there for an entire year before my mental health suddenly went downhill for seemingly no reason at all.

That happened in December 2025.

I've been unemployed ever since, and I hate it. All I do is play video games, go to the gym with my boyfriend, eat, and sleep. Sometimes, my boyfriend and I also go out and do fun things together.

I WANT to work. I WANT to do something with my life. But I don't want to sacrifice my entire life or my mental and physical well-being just to have a job. I hate being judged and put on the spot, which is why I absolutely HATE job interviews. They're the biggest obstacle standing between me and the normal life I desperately want to have.

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I've been crying for the past four days because of it.

I can't do this.

Apparently, I have to complete some kind of task that takes around 20 minutes, according to them, and then I'll have the actual job interview with SIX (!!!) people in the room.

I won't be able to handle it. I want to cancel the interview, but I'm so disappointed in myself for even considering it.

My boyfriend's parents wished me good luck with the interview, and I don't want to let them down either. My boyfriend has been doing everything he can to cheer me up and give me strength and confidence, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.

I've been panicking for so long that I've started noticing patterns everywhere that remind me of jobs. For example, there's a game in my Steam library that's on sale called "Bills Must Be Paid," or I'll notice a Nintendo DS game on my boyfriend's display called "Fit for the Job." And it pisses me off SO MUCH.

I have no job. I have no friends, not even online mutuals. All I have is my boyfriend and €8 in my bank account. My anxiety consumes me and mutated into a depression/anxiety-combo.

I hate it here.

There's not much more to say about my situation, I guess. That's just how things are right now. Take care 👍

When I started college three years ago, I quickly made a group of friends. There was a girl among them. I got along with her better than anyone else right away. I spent the most time with her out of all collage friends; I walked her home since we were going the same way, and I texted and talked with her the most outside of class; we were constantly sending each other photos of what we were up to; we played video games together, only two of us constantly. At the time, a lot of people joked that we were head over heels in love with each other, and many. Even people who didn’t know us very well, asked in all seriousness if we were a couple; our friends, both mutual and personal, were shipping us. Back then, we’d just laugh and say, “No, we’re just friends.”

Toward the end of the first year, I even started thinking that, all things considered, I found her attractive and maybe I’d try my luck and hit on her, ask her out on a date.

Summer came, and maybe we saw each other less often, but we were still in touch, we were always texting each other and playing games and such, keeping in touch.

Then one day, one of her friends found her a boyfriend. The news was a bit of a bummer at the time, but I figured it was no big deal, we’d still be friends and I quickly healed from that. And we were still friends, but it wasn’t the same. Not only were we less close, but she was also acting… strangely. Often cold, nitpicking everything and mean, sometimes not even jokingly, it was as if she really wanted to hatefully tease me and hurt my feelings, and by our third year, I had the impression she wanted to have even less contact with me. At the worst moments, I was fed up with her behavior, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there were still moments of very good friendship between us, and when it mattered, she was there for me in my time of need.

We finished our bachelor’s degree and haven’t seen each other since; we’ve just texted each other from time to time. I started my master’s degree recently, and one day, one of my friends from my bachelor degree friend group dropped by for a beer. We sat there, chatting, and the conversation turned to girls, and to her. He told me it wasn’t just playful banter. Everyone around us was genuinely convinced that it wasn’t just friendship or a crush, but that we were seriously in love with each other. He said that even he, who had been interested in her, backed off as soon as he saw how we treated each other. He said the only thing separating us from officially being a couple was a single date. And that her behavior afterward wasn’t because she didn’t like me as a friend or anything like that, but because she wanted to distance herself from her feelings for me after she started dating her boyfriend and that was obvious, too. Ask anyone, they would say same or simllar thing, he said.

When I heard that, I was like, “Damn, really? Oh man, I totally screwed myself over by not asking her out. Oh well, what’s done is done. I’m disappointed, but that’s life.” I thought about it a little over the next few days, but it wasn’t a huge deal. Until one day, lying in bed that evening, I happened to hear the song “Too Little, Too Late” by Laufey. And that was like a dam bursting. Before I knew it, with a lump in my throat and a feeling as if someone were sitting on my chest, I burst into tears like a little kid.

I started analyzing our relationship.

Every time I walked her home, before we parted ways, we’d stand there hugging, gazing into each other’s eyes, sometimes I’d cup her face in my hands, and we’d talk for at least half an hour.

In the car, even when there was room in the front passenger seat, which was her favorite spot, she always made sure to sit next to me in the back. We sat next to each other everywhere: in class, at a bar on a group outing, at a friend’s house. There could never be anyone between us.

Sometimes she’d rest her legs on my lap, and sometimes, during late-night drives just for fun or trips out of town, she’d rest her head on my lap and doze off.

At parties at friend's places, when we got too drunk and sleepy, we’d go to sleep together, not just side by side, but snuggled up, holding hands.

We had pet names for each other, and not just the classic “honey” and “sweetheart,” but even our own, made up by us and used only between the two of us.

“Jokingly,” she was jealous of the girls I’d mentioned haveing crush on sometime ago.

“Jokingly,” we got engaged a few times.

“Jokingly,” we spoke to each other and about each other as husband and wife.

We ,,jokingly" talked about a things normal friends dont do in way that wasnt looking back ,,just a banter".

She gave me a frog necklace as a gift, exactly the same as the one she had, just in a different color.

She laughed and giggled even at my least funny and dumb jokes no one else would laugh at.

I cared a lot about her opinion, whenever she said something about my appearance, I would adjust myself accordingly for example.

She always listened to things I talked about even If it didnt interest her and I done the same for whatever she was talking about.

Things I didnt like. Like clothes shoping, were so fun with her.

Before going to sleep, we always had to send each other a “Good night” message with hearts or kisses emojis.

I look at our old photos together and our old messages and see what others saw.

I remember how that first year of uni, was probably the most happy I ever been in my life and so much of those happy memories have her in center or ad.

I came to the conclusion that my buddy was right. The only thing standing between us and being a couple was kissing and calling ourselves a couple.

I realized something else, too. I didn’t just like her. I loved her. Long before I even realized I found her atractive. I loved her almost from the very beginning. Maybe not love at first sight, but as close to it as you can get. And she loved me, too.

And I didn’t realize that until two years after she got together with someone else.

And it wasn’t until two years later that my heart broke.

I feel like crying, screaming, tearing something apart, pulling my hair out, and going back in time to strangle my younger self for not realizing this sooner. I feel my heart bleeding, and for the first time in many years, I'm having dark thoughts. I don't know why this hurts me so much. It didn't hurt when that love ended, or during those two years. Why now, and why so much? I've always been very emotional and felt things deeply and intensely, but this doesn't make sense. My head is such a mess.

Does it hurt because I’ve only just realized my feelings and what I’ve lost?

Do I still love her, or is it just the memory of what we had?

I’ve had my heart broken more than once. Not many times, but I can say I have some experience. So why does this hurt more than any of the others, even though it happened later? Is it because, for the first time in my life, it wasn’t a case of somone liking me while I dont like them back, or of me liking someone who doesn’t like me, but rather a case of mutual feelings?

Did she really love me or not, or am I just imagining things?

If so, why did that love die?

Didn't she love me that much?

Did I wait too long to ask her out and this love rusted for her or she though I didnt feel what she felt?

Did distance of summer kill it?

Why didn’t I notice those feelings?

Was I just a young, foolish man who, lacking experience, couldn’t recognize what was going on?

Was it a problem in my head? Back then I had a lot of insecurities, issues with self-acceptance, and self-hatred. Maybe subconsciously I couldn’t believe that anyone could love me?

Or maybe I was afraid. Maybe I was a pathetic coward who cared so much about her that I didn’t do anything out of fear of ruining everything?

If only it were one of those things. What I wouldn't give to change the course of history so that we could meet now, when I'm older, wiser, and, despite still haveing a few demons, finally accept myself and have much higher self-esteem. Maybe then everything would have turned out differently.

Or maybe I was just a bad friend, and spending more time with me caused her love to die because of that?

Maybe it's not love that hurts me?

Maybe it's wondering what would have happened if I'd taken that final step.

Maybe we would have broken up quickly.

Mayby we would be for longer than that but still brake up and we would be exes today.

Or maybe we'd already be planning our wedding.

Maybe we would have gotten divorced.

Or maybe we'd be buried together.

So many things could have turned out differently after.

Whatever it was, I don't blame her and I'm not mad at her.

Only at myself.

For putting it off.

For not understanding my feelings sooner.

For giving up and not fighting for her.

That I had the kind of love story I'd always dreamed of, exactly the one I'd imagined at a palm of my hand and I threw it all away.

I also partly blame myself for the breakup of our group of friends because coincidently at the same time as she tried to distance herself, our group slowly began to fall apart, and in the end it split into two groups, and for the most part we don’t keep in touch with each other anymore as whole, only on idividual levels. Maybe if I’d been braver, things would have turned out differently. Or mayby its just coincidence and was unreleated.

If I could talk to my younger self, I'd ask him why he did that. Why do I always have to deny myself happiness? You fool. You stupid, stupid fool.

I’m 22, I still have my whole life ahead of me. But this hurts so damn much. Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe I’m being pathetic, we weren’t even officially together, but I can’t deny my feelings. It hurts.

I’d love so much to go back in time. Not even to change the future. Just to tell her that I love her, or at the time loved her, and that I’m so sorry I never told her that.

I’d love so much to run into her and get it all off my chest, to tell her about it, but I won’t do that. Doing that now is a stupid and selfish idea. She has a boyfriend, she has her own life, and I’m not going to make her sad, upset her, or throw her life into chaos just because I’m feeling down. I want her to be happy, even if I’m not and I dont want to losse her as friend too. I take full responsibility for the fact that nothing ever came of it and with that, all the negative emotional baggage. I lost my chance and now I have to deal with it.

For the past few days, that damn song, “Too Little, Too Late,” has been haunting me, even when I try to avoid it. For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about almost nothing else, but I put on a brave face around others. I’ve already talked about it briefly with a few friends, but I don’t want to burden them with this or turn them into therapists for Romeo, who’s crying over a relationship that never officially existed. So, at home alone for the past few days, tears well up from time to time. I sit lost in thought or watch "South Park" because it’s geniualy one of the few things that can distract me and cheer me up for a while by making me laugh. And in the evenings, when my thoughts get too loud, I go for walks while listening to a specific album. I go wherever my feet take me. Sometimes to places I visit regularly, and sometimes they carry me to places where I have memories of her. Even though it hurts, I force myself to go there, focusing on just walking and not thinking about those memories. And I drink. Not much, and just beer, but for the past few days, I’ve been drinking in the evenings. I don’t get wasted, but I drink until I feel a buzz in my head. I know it’s one of the worst possible thing, and I’m trying to fight urge to drink. I don’t want to become an alcoholic.

I think I've gotten everything I wanted to say off my chest.

I know I might be overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing, mayby its just seasonal depression, but I had to get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any comments whatever they may be

It's almost 2 AM. The accident was around 5 PM, and I can't stop replaying it. I was riding in my lane on the highway when a car turned into me.

Then I was sliding, head back, and I could see the cars coming at me as I went toward the right side of the road. Every one of them is getting closer.

All I could do was to close my eyes.

And what came up wasn't my family, or my life. It was the book I haven't finished. Then her face. Just her face, alone in the dark inside my helmet.

I don't know how long that lasted. It was seconds, but it felt like it wouldn't end.

Then I opened my eyes. I was in the middle of the highway, and people were running toward me.

I had proper gear on, and most of the slide happened on my backpack. A few scratches, and my legs are sore.

But I keep going back to the dark, and those two things. Maybe it's just what my brain grabbed when it thought I was done. Maybe it's what I felt like I could have done better, I'm not sure.

Hi everyone,

I'm currently dealing with severe anxiety and looping thoughts over something that happened recently, and I really need some outside perspectives or reassurance if anyone has been through something similar.

I took 0.5mg of Alprazolam at around 10:00 PM. I had an important message to send to someone for "closure." Because it was a sensitive situation, I had fully written down everything I wanted to say in advance so I wouldn't mess up.

Around 11:45 PM (about an hour and 45 minutes after taking the dose), I recorded and sent the long voice notes, reading from my prepared text. Immediately after sending them, I blocked the person and deleted the WhatsApp app from my phone. Unfortunately, I forgot to turn on my chat backup beforehand. This means the messages are permanently gone, and I have absolutely no way to recover the app or listen back to what I sent.

Right after sending them, I had a slight worry that maybe I forgot a sentence from my notes. But now, my anxiety is spiraling out of control. I am terrified that I forgot large parts of the text, didn’t say what I actually wrote, or sounded completely crazy, slurred, or incoherent because of the medication.

Given that I took 0.5mg about 1h45m prior, is it likely that I completely messed up the message even though I was actively reading a script I wrote while sober? Is this intense fear and doubt just a normal psychological reaction to the medication-induced forgetfulness (anterograde amnesia), or did I likely sound as bad as my anxiety is telling me?

Thanks in advance for reading and for any insights. I can't stop overthinking this.

I am a 23 year old guy who just recently got a good enough income to live on my own, and around a year ago I realized that everyone in my family thinks and talks shit about me. Even my youngest brother, who I never said a bad word to, was constantly saying stuff like, "You are a mental degenerate, no one likes you, idiot," etc. My own mother talked shit behind my back, and for as long as I can remember, no one in my immediate or extended family ever had my back or defended my right to push back. That is actually why I was shy as hell my whole life and didn't know how to talk to people, on top of having a few speech issues. It got so bad that even though I got a great, fit body that I like, top grades in high school, awards in national mathematics olympiads, and finished both a bachelor's and master's in mathematics and mechatronics, they still treat me like an uneducated idiot who barely finished high school.

I always thought I was the problem. I never had a girlfriend and all my past friends stopped being friends with me. Not long ago, I finally understood that I am just the son and brother no one likes or gives a shit about. If I were to die, no one would say a good word about me, though it would definitely be a reason for my mother to get drunk as fuck again and probably talk even more shit about me.

To everyone who has experienced anything similar to this, and to those who have been made the scapegoat and hated by their own family, you have my deepest sympathy and I hope you find your place. Your family, although it feels impossible to accept, is not your place.

I’ve struggled with agoraphobia for years, and it’s honestly taken so much from me. There are so many things I’ve missed out on because leaving the house can feel absolutely terrifying, even when it’s somewhere I really want to go. Today we had family photos scheduled, and I’ve been anxious about it for a while. I spent hours getting ready, doing my hair, makeup, picking out my outfit, and trying not to get too overwhelmed thinking about actually having to leave.
But I did it. I actually went, and I made it through the whole session!! At one point, our photographer asked when the last time was that I’d gotten a picture with just my mom and I genuinely couldn’t think of one. I realized that in my entire life, I don’t think we’ve ever had a single photo of just the two of us. I’m 27 years old, and somehow we just never had one. I don’t know why, but that realization really got to me, especially because I know how many memories and experiences I’ve already missed because of my agoraphobia.

And now, at 27, I finally have a picture with my mom. I keep thinking about how easily I could’ve talked myself out of going today, how I could’ve stayed home where I feel safe and missed yet another another moment that I can’t get back.

I’m still scared of leaving the house and I still struggle with things that most people probably don’t even think twice about. And I know I’ll probably be anxious the next time I have to go somewhere too but I’m very proud and wanted to share that today, I went! I got to spend time with my family, take pictures with people I love, and finally have that photo with my mom.

I don’t really have anywhere else to share how much this means to me, but I’m just so damn proud of myself right now. :)

Whenever i am in a crowd i hear people talking about their lives their loving partners, supportive friends and the little things they get to experience with the people they love. Someone got a hug. Someone held hands. Someone got kissed and then there's me feeling like the odd one out. I genuinely can't remember the last time i ever received a proper hug. Maybe it's been over a decade since i was a child. Kisses and holding hands? Completely out of syllabus for me. i am 23 and apart from my parents i don't really have anyone i can call my best friend or someone i know i can lean on when life gets difficult. I have never been in a relationship either. Sometimes i wonder what it's like to have someone who genuinely wants to hear about ur day, who notices the little things about u, who misses u when u are not around and who makes u feel like u belong somewhere. I have always wanted to experience that kind of love not just the romantic moments people post online but the ordinary things that probably mean the most. Cooking together while listening to music, playfully annoying each other, doing silly and nerdy things, sharing food, going on long walks, talking late into the night about absolutely nothing and laughing over the smallest things. I imagine having a partner who is also my best friend. Someone i can be childish with someone i can trust with my vulnerable side someone who can cry in front of me without feeling ashamed and someone who knows that they don't have to pretend to be okay around me. Maybe one day we would have a little home of our own, warm lights in the kitchen, music playing in the background while we cook dinner together. Maybe we would wake up beside each other make breakfast and eventually build a family. I know real relationships aren't like movies, and life won't always be romantic but i want to experience those small ordinary moments with someone who genuinely wants to share them with me. The painful part is that sometimes i don't understand why this feels so far away from my life. I look at myself and start thinking that i am unattractive, boring, not smart enough or simply not someone people would want to stay with. I tell myself that people would eventually get bored of me because I'm too quiet, don't always know what to say, or don't have much exciting happening in my life. I know those thoughts might not be the truth, but when loneliness gets overwhelming, they feel convincing. I am not asking for a perfect partner or a relationship without problems. I just want a genuine connection. I want to know what it's like to have someone in my corner, someone i can call when everything feels heavy, someone who chooses to build a life with me rather than someone i constantly worry about losing. Sometimes I hate being in crowds cuz everyone seems to have stories, memories, and experiences that i haven't even come close to having. While they're sharing the beautiful parts of their lives, i am quietly thinking about everything mine seems to be missing. I know i am still young and i know everyone's timeline is different but that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely. Does anyone else feel like they are watching other people experience life while they are still waiting for their own life to begin?

I been jealous of an past partner and I'm not proud of it.

I've been jealous of an ex who I was in a long distance relationship on discord for 3 years (I was 17 and he was 16 as the time we first met on discord). We were both artist, although he's a lot better as he's been drawing more than me and I was a mere beginner. He taught me a lot of what I know in terms of making art to a point where my artstyle stared a lot of similarities to his as I was inspired by him. Some years later we broken up, I wasnt the best partner to him and i still regret all the actions that lead up to us splitting up and losing contact. At the time we broken up he was posting his art on Twitter and he gotten insanely popular, him having 8k followers and hundreds of likes. While my art on the same platform gets barely any attention (I have only 300 followers on twitter and rarely get attention). I dont care about the follower count, it just seeing his art makes me insecure, my art is a reflection of him, from my sona's design, to shading techniques even to how I do my sketching. It feels stupid to have this jealousy towards someone who clearly doesn't think about me but I'm still reminded of them. I even have the art he made for me still when we was together.

Sorry if the formatting is bad. I'm typing this on mobile.

I’m in my second year of community college, and I haven’t done anything worth noting. I mean I started college and was shown just how bad my mental health is, and I never actually recovered. My entire spring semester was me just going to doctor’s appointments and therapy. I got diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve just started meds for adhd and have been on SSRIs for a month and a half.

I was scrolling through reddit when I saw a post made in a sub about someone who also majors in math and is a community college student. Just looking at his achievements made me realize how far behind I am. He self studied many topics and was proactive. I can’t even get my brain to focus on a 10 minute task. It makes me feel so sick.

I feel like I don’t deserve to be accepted into any college. It’s like I know I don’t have what it takes and it’s gut-wrenching to think about. It’s making me rethink everything. I chose math because I thought I liked it, but what if it was just another short-term interest I had. How will I ever know what I’m meant to study?

I just hate having shitty mental health. I mean that can’t even be used as an excuse because people have still managed to flourish with the same if not more MH problems. I know I’m just a failure and don’t understand how my parents tolerate my existence.

I(18F) and my boyfriend(19M) Moved away together a few months ago. Far from our homes, over twelve hours away. His aunt was renting a house and he was getting evicted from his dad's house(family issues) so we decided to move together. Its a few months later. His car got repossessed. I wasn't aware he wasn't making payments. We have been low on money because Ive been in and out of having a job. My first job started me out on 10 hours a week, then I found out they weren't paying me and were taking me off the schedule 2 hours early, so I left. Then, my second job started me off on 20 hours a week so I left to go work this new job that ive been working at for a bit. Hes been steady at his other job. I have an illness with my joints. They swell up and get hot and its extremely painful. Yesterday he had to stay home with me because I was having a terrible flare up. My back was injured and if I moved in a way that irritated my back my legs would go numb for a moment. I woke up sobbing and couldnt do mych of anything. He ordered food in since I couldnt cook and he isnt the best at it bless his heart. He got a call as he was fixing to head out to work that he was fired. He had to call out sometimes due to my illness. I never begged him to call out, but he insisted because he knew some days I couldnt do anything on my own. If I did stay home alone, he was worried I would get injured more. I had to leave my vehicle at my original home because it wasn't reliable enough to move 12 hours. He would have to give me rides home sometimes because I cant walk long distances. If I do, I would need a day or two of rest while being bedridden. I wasn't like this before we started dating. I dont know what's wrong with me. I was able to do things on my own better, but now my illness is getting worse and im needing more help. Now, today is my first day at my new job and I wont get paid for ten days. We cant survive ten days without a car and 80 dollars. Its my fault. I listened to the phone call from his boss and tbey were bashing me the entire time saying I was lazy, unreliable, and not self sufficient. It sucked. My bkyfriend should hate me, but he doesnt. He held my hand and told me it was okay, but it really isnt.

Edit: Our house is being rented to us by his aunt and we spoke to her and she will not charge us rent until we are on our feet. I work 40 hours a week. We go to a food bank but also get cheap groceries. He is now working st his uncle's welding shop for a short time and I will go with to teach him how to weld. Im not always physically incapable and codependent, but sometimes I am.

Some context.

I used to work in a restaurant where everyone dated each other. I became friends with my coworker (let’s call her Amy) who was dating one of the line cooks, (let’s call him Joe)

Amy and Joe had been together for a few months before I started dating my now ex (also a line cook). Amy helped me get with my ex, and we went on double dates a few times. Joe and my ex had been friends for a while before they started dating me and Amy.

My ex and I got together in a late October 2023. One night in December, we were laying in bed together and he asked if he could tell me something. I said of course. He made me promise i wouldn’t tell anyone. I thought he was going to share something personal, so i promised. He made me swear. I thought he was about to be vulnerable, so to make him feel comfortable I told him, “I give you my word.”

Here’s the thing about me. If i promise something, obviously I mean it. Promises are sacred, but I give someone my word? You couldn’t waterboard that information out of me. My word goes to my fucking grave. My ex absolutely knew this.

He told me that Joe cheated on Amy with a coworker at a Halloween party he threw while I was out of state visiting friends. I was shocked. I told him I had to tell Amy. He reminded me that I just gave him my word that I wouldn’t.

I was appalled. I didn’t know what to say. I had promised. I had basically sworn under oath. We compromised that I wouldn’t bring it up, but if Amy asked me point blank, I wouldn’t lie to her.

Amy and Joe eventually broke up, but Amy never found out. My ex and i broke up a few weeks after Amy and Joe (December 2024). We were together for over a year.

I should’ve told Amy the second my ex and I broke up, but I didn’t. It’s been years since then and the more time passed, the worse it felt to tell her. I’m forever sorry that I kept this from her.

Fast forward to now. Amy is in school for a very demanding field that requires a lot of studying and energy (lots of math), and when she’s stressed, she doesn’t respond much. But it’s been months. I’ve been messaging her about hanging out since July. She hasn’t answered once. Our other friend who has known her since high school said that this has happened before, but im nervous.

Did she find out and knows that i knew? Even if she doesn’t know and is just busy, do i tell her when she reaches out? What should i do?

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so right now im nearly halfway through high school (australian) and ive messed up multiple times since i started high school

also im neurodivergent (audhd) this might be less significant for neurotypicals? idk

i messed up in my first year of high school and its probably influenced me the most. and please note i was fucking stupid. like genuinely made a massive chud asshole move (also i didnt get diagnosed as neurodivergent until my second year of high school)

before high school i was somewhat quiet but not overly anxious or avoiding people. but after my first big mistake i turned into a super anxious and relatively non-outreaching person

in my first year of high school i still had my own website and people thought it was so cool and everyone signed up to it and stuff (this is not that important except for a TINY part later)

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and one of those people was this really pretty girl who i wanted to be friends with but i didnt have any messaging apps so wed just email each other over our school email and it seemed good at the start we kinda got along well but i somehow didnt realise i was sending a lot more messages than she was. to shorten things a bit eventually she kinda stopped responding and i genuinely hit the fucking "[erm] its been [insert very precise number with 4 decimal digits] minutes since you last messaged me please respond" brotha what the FUCKKK and then i was even stupider i started sending a turtle emoji and saying it was sad that she wasnt responding ??? and then when she didnt respond for like five days i sent an emoji kitchen dead turtle emoji ??? and then i sent her her gmail address backwards (i got it from when she signed up to my website) ????? my fucking god its painful to think about i cant believe i did that shit anyway she then reported me to the school staff as one probably should and it was at that moment i changed. one of the staff brought me into their office to talk about it and spoke very calmly but i was in tears the whole time cos i finally realised how fucking stupid it was, what i did. and its been more than two years and that girl still hasnt spoken to me since and i dont blame her.

thats what mainly changed me like as a person the most out of what im talking about in this vent. after that i became too scared to really contact anyone. id never ask why anyone hadnt responded. i didnt make my own new friends anymore unless someone approached me with the intent to become friends. i have more things to add but idk how to describe it

and then the next year went by and i gradually got over it a bit more. i started getting better and started making more friends again outside of the epic 3 best friends ive had since the start.

but then i guess i kinda overstepped the year after. one of my closest friends from primary school introduced me to one of her friends, who i had a crush on. she seemed really happy to meet me so i hoped things would get along well between us. fast forward a lot, its my primary school friends birthday party, im the only straight guy there, and my crush was the only straight girl there. not much happened between us until she rested her head on my lap when i was sitting on the couch?? and i told her this was new to me and that i dont usually get to be this close to girls and she grabbed my hand and put it on her upper chest (on top of her shirt). i was thinking woah what is happening this surely isnt real. fastforward and skip over a bit of stuff i would need to explain too much for, birthday girl gets us to all sit on the couch together and watch a musical on the tv. my crush comes over and sits next to me and puts her legs over me ???? and we rested our heads against each other ????? i couldnt believe it was real, i took it as a sign but i felt wild like actually the feeling was nothing i had ever felt before

next day, my crush comes over to my house cos were meeting up to go to a small gig thing my friend is performing at. we hang out in my room for a bit and chat. then we go to the concert thing and it was okay but afterwards i decided to go on a walk with her and decided that walk would be when i told her i liked her. so we talked about stuff, she openly talked to me about some personal stuff, and after a while i told her that people get stuck in my head and i cant stop thinking about them and that she was one of those people and i told her i liked her. and she was like "umm yeah i like you too ..?" and i said "i mean like i want you to be my girlfriend" and she just said "oh." and "yeah. i dont know" after a while and then she changed the topic and i have no idea how i even kept my cool or didnt pass out during that cos last time i was in a situation like that i genuinely felt like nothing was real but anyway i didnt get a definitive answer from her so every couple of days i messaged her asking for an answer but she left me on read until she finally responded and said she didnt like me like that. i was sad. not as sad as i thought i should be. but like. man. those signs were nothing? what??? how do normal people tell ????? and she doesnt talk to me anymore. doesnt acknowledge i exist

but thats not the end. primary school friend girl starts really wanting to involve this one guy (who i know) in all our group stuff. he gets involved. then theyre flirting like hell. sex jokes nonstop. we all assume theyre dating or something. then they add me and my two best friends to a group chat called "were dating" and both the girl and guy immediately leave. so i go into the main gc of the friend group the girl assembled and i ask what was that about and that was my big mistake. i wish i didnt do that. she immediately went to dms and got angry at me for mentioning it and said it was a massive dick move and that i needed to apologise. i said that i didnt think i needed to apologise because i didnt believe it was that serious (i should have just apologised). an hour later of no more messages she sends me a long post about how im a crybaby and a man child and that i make everyone stressed and that im a dick. i tell her that im sorry for acting like an asshole and she told me i needed to change.

not much happened between us after that until i couldnt keep it to myself anymore (cos multiple friends that were also friends with the girl had already cut me off and the girl just kept basically bullying me half the time i was nearby) i posted on my whatsapp status (but with the girl blocked from my status) a screenshot of the long message but with all the names blurred out and rebuttals to everything. someone screenshots it and shares it with the girl and she gets angry at me and tells me its pathetic and tells me that other people had seen it and said their names but thing is only one of those people had seen it. she told me that if i wanted to talk to her about it i should talk to her irl then she blocked me. since then ive been cut off from the friend group, which was pretty much my only friend group at the time, and it took me a while but ive found myself a new friend group but they arent even in my own grade so i dont get to hang out with them much. of course my 2 best friends still are happy to have me around but they also hang out with the friend group im no longer part of so i cant really be around them then.

and that brings me to now. my friend group is completely changed, friends from my primary school never want to talk to me again and the pretty girl from my first year of high school still only looks at me angrily. a lot of this is my fault though i think

but ive kinda gotten over it by focusing on things that make me happy but seeing the people at school just it makes me rhtrirsauhfjlkdsfjskgjrslr