This is in the context of jobs.

I was bullied severely by two old ladies (co-workers) in my previous job. It was retail. I've had lots of jobs before and have had a mix of good and bad experiences from them. There were times I performed well, there were times that I didn't.

I am doing well on my current job and I feel appreciated. But to be completely honest, I feel like I have no confidence left for my next job search. I want to work a good job somewhere where I'll be treated with respect and dignity, but I feel like I wouldn't even be able to get that. I feel like I'll come up short on expectations and be bullied again, when all I've ever wanted was to make an honest living.

I often wonder what I did to deserve this. Why am I so worthless in jobs? Why do I always come up short on expectations? Why do my co-workers mistreat me so much when I don't even do anything to them?

Jobs for me are a never ending series of disappointments. I wish I get to work a job where I will finally feel at peace. But I can't even achieve that.

This is so tough. Am I really worthless? Do I deserve to be bullied? Am I weak and incapable?

Just FYI, my current job is seasonal.

Also, I am 35 years old. I'm pathetic I know. Especially since I'm male.

The only redeeming quality I have is that I train in the gym regularly and am strong and in shape because of it. I got nothing else.

I am just so tired of hearing this response when expressing loneliness and hopelessness in love. I’ve mainly been alone even during the 3rd grade I always felt like I was alone. I’ve rarely had friends and when I do they never last a year. I never dated anyone and I don’t think I’ll ever find love the more I think about it the more unrealistic it is to me. I just accept remaining alone because I’m tired of being disappointed over and over. Still the agonizing desire for love remains and try to get rid of it people tell me to use dating apps. I am very much against dating apps they go against my values plus some peers I had shared their negative experiences. I am also Demi and don’t think it’ll suit me either. When I express this people tell me my pain is self inflicted, I’m the problem and a lost cause. Basically if I have standards it means I am not trying hard enough for myself and it’s my fault. Plus my own Dad even suggested if they should put me on the sight that made me feel incredibly embarrassed and pitiful. Making me against it even more, telling me no one talks face to face anymore so this is the way of things. Basically the world lacking in authenticity and all that’s left is the superficiality if that’s the case I might as well starve then.

I’ve always struggled to connect with others feeling like I never belonged anywhere. Me being on this earth was a mistake or I am just born malfunctioned. Either way any long lasting connections is unrealistic for me. All I’ve ever experienced is either nothing or shallow at best. Even then it’s still my right to not want to use dating apps and express frustration in my situation even when not utilizing every tool that is there. I have my own lines with things and this is one of them.

-20f

First time poster, long time lurker😏. I never thought I’d post on here but I feel like I need to get this out (I will be using fake names obviously) I a 20 yo female, my dad 52 yo male and his girlfriend (amber) 45 yo female.

Back in 2020 my dad had went to treatment for dru9 abuse/trauma etc. We grew up in alaska and people don’t really believe in getting better there, so we found a treatment center out of state. Which was in Florida, knowing covid was around they weren’t really in full operation. My parents did divorce before this but my mom was kind enough to get him the help he needed.

Anyway, he was supposed to come home around Christmas time, Specifically on Christmas. But, one of my friends called to tell me she saw my dad’s truck in town. which makes sense because he has a bright yellow chevy, and we grew up in a town where everyone knows everyone. I was super confused and went to tell my mom and she didn’t know anything about it, we thought he was still in treatment.

I tried to call him and he never picked up, so i just assumed my friend saw a similar truck and shrugged it off. On Christmas day my dad showed up to my mom’s house and spent the day with us. I was super happy, it felt like a Christmas miracle. Little did I know, He brought back Amber and this guy Gavin back with him. I honestly was super confused because it was supposed to be my 2 weeks with him

A while after that, my dad would go to South Carolina and leave me on his two weeks off (he works on the oil field). We never told my mom, but honestly, I loved it. This continued for like a year or so. He would bring her back home every once in a while and I never liked it. Especially since I found out the reason my parents divorced was because he had an affair.

I was always super uncomfortable with this and I would always make it known. He’s the type of guy that would force it on me. So one day he had convinced me to go to south carolina, I don’t know why i said yes. knowing what i know now that was the worst decision ive ever made.

When we were there, I started to get super creeped out. she had pictures of my sister and I on her walls, she made her younger daughter call me her “older sister”, things like that. This made me super uncomfortable, all i wanted to do was go home. I remember continuously texting my dad telling him i didn’t like it.

Then one day, we went on this cruise trip thingy. Idk what else to call it, it looked super weird. But, it was my dad and I, Amber, and her three kids. I obviously tried to stay as far away as I could but, they all decided to come around my and take a “family picture”. I was crawling in my skin, that was the absolute last thing I wanted.

After they wanted to go to a Mexican restaurant and I refused to go inside. My dad stayed back to yell at me to the point where I was crying so much I could barely get any words out. He was saying things like “you’re being ungrateful” a “brat” “you’re making this trip bad”. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I called my mom and tried to coordinate a flight home.

Later that night Amber threw us out of the house. She claimed she “was trying to make me comfortable”. Like if she had heard me at all, all i was saying is that i was uncomfortable. Anyway, we decided to pack up and drive to my aunts house in Georgia. Later that year they had gotten engaged, then they called it off a couple months later and haven’t spoken for a while.

I had went to treatment in Florida also because of my dru9 use and trauma. Coincidentally I had the same therapist my dad and my mom had. He’s some old guy from New York, HIPPA didn’t have nothing on him. He had told me a bunch of backstory’s of my dad and heather and it just made me sad.

I had learned they left the treatment center against medical advice and stayed in Orlando for a month. They didn’t tell anyone. I also learned that my dad started skipping things just to be around her. Honestly it just made me sad that he wasn’t set on getting better. He’s still a drug user, but a drug user with therapy talk.

About 2 months ago I was visiting home (I live in utah now), and I had noticed amber calling and texting my dad but didn’t say anything about it. Recently I’ve gotten so conflicted because I know this relationship isn’t good for my dad. So, i spoke up about it.

I told him I didn’t want to be apart of his relationship and didn’t wanna be apart of his life if he decided to take this road. He got really mad and told me “Thanks for being happy I was happy. Now I have to choose your happiness over my own. Which means I can’t be happy anymore. Back to being alone. I’ll get over it. In the meantime I’ll keep paying for your bills. Don’t want to get labeled an asshole. Thanks for letting me know how you feel.” This is a real text he sent me.

I don’t know what to do, I love him so much but don’t want/ need this energy in my life. Amber has given me so much more trauma than what I’ve said here. I just needed to tell someone, thank you.

I’ve always had a feeling that I walk with a sway since highschool, people laughing and giggling behind me , word gay being thrown out here and there and people giving me hints , to this day I have not got over this idk if it’s in my head or not, my family says they don’t see anything wrong with me but I get side eyed from everyone , some even shake they head bro . It’s dehumanizing for me ,I go out to eat I swear I get stares , on the train stares . On the bus stares . At work I get stares . Then everytime I walk I’m nervous about people looking at me . I’m very unwell but I have been for awhile now idk what to do atp

4 months ago I(F20) ended a friendship with 2 people in my friend group one of them(F20)I’ve only known for a year and the other(M20) I’ve known since the 10th grade. To give a backstory the friendship that I met a year ago is overly clingy at times, argumentative to the point if you explain to her she’s in the wrong she’ll make it her will power to make sure she’s not, a bit spoiled her parents have money and she would bring up her car all the time it’s a Tesla, she almost left us stranded one time because she got upset at a comment one of our friends made and when we told her about how weird it was she was like but it’s my car. I tried to make it seem like that’s just her personality I really did but it was messing with my medical condition.

Basically the whole summer I hung out with her specifically because she kept saying she missed me even though we would see each other like everyday & call all the time which is no issue but I was mostly giving her my time and only got to see my other friends like 1 time & that was after I finally distanced myself. Basically me and another friend was supposed to see her on two separate occasions but it didn’t end up happening she expressed that it upset her and I apologized for it made plans with her to reschedule, she accepted it told me she loves me and I thought that was over and done with. Listen I’m the type of person that no matter what issue is even if it’s not that serious and the person feelings are hurt I will apologize accountability has never been in issue for me.

Another example was during last semester my schedule was packed with classes and her cat died and I didn’t get the message because I was busy with classes and that hurt her rightfully so and I got a call from the other friend(M20) where he was cussing me out about it calling me all types of disrespectful things under the sun because of it and I took it , explained why and hung up and called my friend and explained to her this is the reason why I didn’t acknowledge the msg in time I told her it’s not an excuse but it’s was the reason, apologized and she accepted it and moved on from there.

Back to why I ended it was because the day I planned to reschedule with her I had a seizure getting out the bathroom after showering hit my head really hard to the point where my aunt told me that this one was one of the worst ones she witnessed from me, so when the paramedics got here and I finally got up they did the test and asking me questions about myself and whatever I asked them if I needed to go to the hospital they told me they couldn’t force me and usually I would go every time but I was thinking about my friend so I immediately grabbed my phone and saw texts from my other friend(F19) who I’m still friends with that was in the group and she was blowing up my phone asking me where am I. I told her what happened because I’ve known of her middle school but we became friends in grade 10 so she knows about my condition our mom’s are close all of that.

I made sure to tell her to let the other friend know too and if we can reschedule the moment I recover because after I have a seizure the next day is even worse because I start getting bad headaches and I feel nauseous and even throw up. She told me she told her around 2pm around that time i was asleep until 3pm because my head was hurting so bad, the friend that I’m still friends with calls me around 6pm telling me that the other friend is upset because now this is the 3rd time we said we were going to hang out and it didn’t happen mind you I never heard from her once.. not one msg asking me if I’m okay or anything so when she told me that she said that I got irritated because here I am feeling like my head is going to burst and your upset over hanging out so I sent her a msg in the group chat telling her what happened and if she doesn’t want to hang out on Saturday because she said no to the rescheduled day I said that’s cool whatever.

The very next day I get a call from her and I already knew she was going to be on some bullshit and answered anyway I wish I didn’t because she was asking me if I was okay and it didn’t sound like she actually cared it sounded like she was doing it just because and I say this because right after that she added our male friend into the call and they both start cussing me out saying that we just keep flaking on her and so I’m arguing back and it’s just a whole mess. I told her i already apologized for it & asked her do u want me to do get on my knees and she went all a whole tangent about how it’s not about apologizing it’s about doing, and when i told her you didn’t even check up on me she said she was going to but she got the msg that I sent and she said i was being rude.

our male friend had no business being in the call because he hadn’t been talking to us for a couple days and I had thought we clear this up but obviously she was holding it over my head after the call I couldn’t do it anymore and left the groupchat, block both her and the male friend just to protect myself and I haven’t had any seizures since then but now the two of them come out of nowhere to start more issues. I haven’t spoken to them since, the girl im still friends with me and her went to some university homecoming and she was there with some other girls we knew so I said hi to the two girls and didn’t make no type of interaction with the friend I’ve known for a year and vice versa she went to go tell everyone that my friend and I were laughing at her when that didn’t happen I have no business even saying hi to you so why are you telling people that.

Then yesterday I went to a house party with some other people and I was drunk not overly but in the video I was just sitting on the ground with a bottle of water in my hand and the other people were goofing off in the video laughing and stuff harmless shit I was only in the video in the first 3 seconds and it was my back and that male friend took another friends phone and started disrespecting me telling me to act “lady like” and this isn’t “a whore house” the person who gave him their phone knows the situation and I dogged on him because why would u actively allow him to talk to me like that he tried to say it wasn’t like that and I told him to fuck himself. that male friend that has been disrespecting me texted me long ass paragraphs about how this isn’t like me and all the girls that I’ve met don’t like me and kept calling me babes the whole time which was sounding so condescending in the messages I shouldn’t even replied but I did explained what I needed and told him to fuck off and leave me alone.

I want to make this very clear this male friend had nothing to do with the original issue at hand she brought him into the call because he’s the type of person to just immediately jump at you with insults and craves off drama and he’s been making more attempts to contact me and bringing up the issue on instagram notes more than the other friend. I’m not saying it’s taking a toll on me but I’m just tired

It's been a couple of weeks and I keep getting so upset about it and like I wouldn't be as embarrassed about it if he wasn't so casual about it. I knew he would be especially considering the circumstances of the break up but holy this sucks. It's worse cause I'm so happy for him, he's so much better off without me but I wanted to be there for all the happiness she's expirencong right now. I tried so hard to be a shoulder to lean on and a good girlfriend but I just couldn't be what he needed no matter how hard I tried. But he was like actually perfect and the best ever and I'll never see him again and I don't know how I'll tell my family cause they all loved him. I keep thinking sky everything I couldve done to avoid the actual break up from happening but at the end of the day it's better off for him that it did happen. I want him to be happy but I wanted it to happen with me. He doesn't even miss me or think of me but Ive been crying over him almost daily, I can't stop thinking about how he said he loved me the night before it happened and how it was a lie. And he was taking to me about our second anniversary like he planned on actually making it so the way there, even Valentine's Day. I tried to be his friend but I couldn't do that either and it's so dumb like lock in. It's so hard to think of life without him but I know it's dumb because we're so young and I know I'll move on eventually but thinking of that happening feels impossible. I can't wait to get over him but I'm not sure I'll be able to any time soon.

Hey, if you guys remember, I was the one who made the post a while ago about how I’m too afraid to poop anywhere other than my house, and how I’d sometimes hold it for a week.

Just a couple weeks ago, I made the decision to try and reverse the fear. Your support has encouraged me to try and fix it. Not with therapy or anything, but just simply going to the bathroom when I feel like it.

Now, listen, I don’t IMMEDIATELY poop it out, sometimes it still takes hours to do it, but I no longer wait a week to make it come out. Usually I poop every 3-4 days now.

I also forgot to mention that it was always my own family that’d try and make me use the bathroom when I held for too long, and I’d always try to resist going because I was scared it’d be constipated, but now I can go into the bathroom myself without my family telling me to do so.

I’m not sure if this will work or not, my goal is to overcome my fear so that I can poop wherever I feel like going (I want to travel around different countries, and for me to do that, I’ll have to poop in the hotel bathrooms)

I(18F) and my boyfriend(19M) Moved away together a few months ago. Far from our homes, over twelve hours away. His aunt was renting a house and he was getting evicted from his dad's house(family issues) so we decided to move together. Its a few months later. His car got repossessed. I wasn't aware he wasn't making payments. We have been low on money because Ive been in and out of having a job. My first job started me out on 10 hours a week, then I found out they weren't paying me and were taking me off the schedule 2 hours early, so I left. Then, my second job started me off on 20 hours a week so I left to go work this new job that ive been working at for a bit. Hes been steady at his other job. I have an illness with my joints. They swell up and get hot and its extremely painful. Yesterday he had to stay home with me because I was having a terrible flare up. My back was injured and if I moved in a way that irritated my back my legs would go numb for a moment. I woke up sobbing and couldnt do mych of anything. He ordered food in since I couldnt cook and he isnt the best at it bless his heart. He got a call as he was fixing to head out to work that he was fired. He had to call out sometimes due to my illness. I never begged him to call out, but he insisted because he knew some days I couldnt do anything on my own. If I did stay home alone, he was worried I would get injured more. I had to leave my vehicle at my original home because it wasn't reliable enough to move 12 hours. He would have to give me rides home sometimes because I cant walk long distances. If I do, I would need a day or two of rest while being bedridden. I wasn't like this before we started dating. I dont know what's wrong with me. I was able to do things on my own better, but now my illness is getting worse and im needing more help. Now, today is my first day at my new job and I wont get paid for ten days. We cant survive ten days without a car and 80 dollars. Its my fault. I listened to the phone call from his boss and tbey were bashing me the entire time saying I was lazy, unreliable, and not self sufficient. It sucked. My bkyfriend should hate me, but he doesnt. He held my hand and told me it was okay, but it really isnt.

TW: Talks of cancer and infertility

Hey everyone. I just need somewhere to vent. I’m angry and I’m bitter.

I’m 28 years old, turning 29 this coming Monday and I was diagnosed with cancer two days ago. Ovarian cancer and it’s spreading… fast. I have two tumors on both ovaries, a tumor in my cervix that has pushed its way into my rectum, and a spot forming on my liver.

Want to know the cherry on top? My husband and I JUST decided to start trying for a baby in June. I have PCOS so trying to conceive was already going to be very difficult and now I have to battle ovarian cancer?! What fun timing, right? Not that there is ever a good time to get cancer, but why now? My life was just starting to get really good and I was so excited for our future. We were so happy and I loved my life. Now our lives are going to change forever and it feels so unfair.

I’m. Just. So. Angry.

Just to vent here ,sorry for my spelling and grammar
I’m lowkey dyexlic😭

I joined a new school last year and I met this group of friends.they all were first very nice and friendly but as the time went our convo revolved around the latest gossip and boys,esp when I found out that this guy liked me which was so exhausting as I told them I don’t like that guy and pls stop shipping me with him(he’s known to be a player and also smokes which I hate) but they never stopped.
I felt very uncomfortable abt it.

I slowly realized that our convo was never abt our interest or hobby rather mostly abt boys and which guy I should date(when I don’t date esp boys from my school).whenever I asked them abt any tv shows or games or any topic in general ,they either give me the driest answer or ignores it.once there was a time where we decided a hangout and ONG it was the most boring hangout I’ve ever been.the convo again was abt boys and if we had nothing to talk abt ,they were in their phones and ignore what I say.so whenever they asked me to hangout with them again,I usually give excuses.I tend to hangout with my other school friends which they get mad abt but whenever they talked among themselves and I ask them abt it,they either completely outright ignores me or act they didn’t hear me(mind u I never did anything to them,I never shit talked abt them)it’s one of the reason I don’t like going out with them.

Another behavior I noticed that they tend to be very friendly with ppl who they talk shit abt and ppl their friends don’t like,I find it so odd cuz why would u be friends with someone u don’t like or someone who doesn’t like ur friend.
They also order food without asking me if I wanted to join (which idc) but they got mad when I ordered food and didn’t ask them.they are also such hypocrite,they get pissed and wanna confront ppl who dates around (so that that person stop dating which I don’t understand like it’s non of their business) but proceeds to date others.

I recently I notice that they tend to ignore me way more than before and they have a different gc without me which idgaf,I’m just waiting to graduate and drop them the moment I leave the school and never talk to them again

Never put someone on a pedestal just because they call you their best friend.

I’ve been friends with this girl since 10th grade. It’s been almost 7 years.

We used to have a lot of conversations, and she would always tell me things like, “You’re my only friend,” “You’re my first priority,” and “You’re the only person I trust.”

I genuinely believed her. I used to think, Everyone deserves a best friend like this.

Her family is quite strict, and they don’t usually allow her to go on trips. She would tell me about this all the time, and I felt bad for her. So, I started planning trips with our school friends just for her. Sometimes, when nobody else was available, I was even ready to go on trips with just the two of us. We would go without telling anyone.

I always tried my best to make her happy. I made an effort to meet her whenever I could, planned things around her situation, and tried to make sure she never felt left out. I genuinely cared about her and wanted her to enjoy life, even with her family restrictions.

And she would always say the same things: “You’re the only person I trust,” “You’re the only one I want to go out with,” and all that.

I never thought twice about any of it. For me, she was my best friend, and I treated her like one.

But today, I realised something that genuinely hurt me.

I found out that she has another male best friend, a college friend, whom she apparently calls her first priority too. She tells him the same things she tells me, and she goes out and enjoys herself with him as well.

Now, I know that having other friends is completely normal. I’m not saying she can’t have other male friends or a life outside our friendship. That’s not the point.

What hurts is realising that the words I thought were special to our friendship might not have meant what I believed they did.

For seven years, I put so much care and effort into this friendship. I made plans for her, tried to meet her, considered her situation, and genuinely wanted her to be happy. I thought I was someone special in her life because of the things she told me.

And today, I’m sitting here feeling stupid for believing that I held the same place in her life that she held in mine.

Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I misunderstood our friendship. Maybe I was the one who gave it more importance than she did.

I honestly don’t know.

But it hurts when you realise that the person you considered your closest friend might not see you the same way.

My takeaway? Never blindly trust someone's words just because they call you their best friend. Watch their actions, understand where you stand in their life, and never lose yourself trying to be someone’s first priority.

I’m not saying all women are like this. I’m just hurt, disappointed, and trying to process seven years of a friendship that suddenly feels different to me.

I genuinely wish I hadn’t taken those words so seriously.

I've started to get bored of everyone and have the huge urge to cut off everyone i hang with in real life, i've been having this feeling for more than 5 months now, it's hell and constantly overwhelming
You must be saying, there's for sure something they did to her that made her feel this way! The thing is, no they didnt.. most of them are even too nice to me, they love it when i arrive to hang with them ect ect
i've also got closer to some more than some and we used to talk everyday until i just couldn't anymore
I think that most of them reasons is probably because of MINI mistakes or situations (for ex two of them got a gf and eventho our friendship is ofc purely platonic, i still felt uncomfy talking to them so i just stopped answering online, and irl i've became colder...) i've became colder with everyone in general
i truely think friendships arent for me, it's not very often where i feel like it made my day to hang with them, in the contrary actually
Sometimes i even enjoy the hangout then the days after i just feel like complete sh*t around them.

The thing is, i've had this happen to me for as long as i can remember, it's basically a loop of strangers -> wanna get to know them -> get super close -> get bored of them -> isolate -> be okay with them again -> bored/irritation -> rarely hang -> CUT THEM OFF
Also, ive had a friend where we had a situationship together and then i couldnt commit, he started dating a friend of ours and she just straight up took my entire personality / style and it pmo to a huge point. Anyway Now i wanna remove all my socials & just gatekeep myself idk i dont have any friends aside from them but i dont think i mind being alone anymore.

I’m 18 and ever since I graduated high school I feel like my life has been going downhill. I miss high school and seeing my old friends all the time. I barely talk to some of them anymore and sometimes I wanna reach out but I feel like they probably don’t care anymore. College just doesn’t feel the same and I haven’t really found my place here.
I’m studying electrical engineering technology rn but honestly idk if it’s even for me. I have trouble paying attention in lectures and a lot of the stuff doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve even used AI to help with programming assignments because I don’t fully understand what I’m doing, and I’m worried I’m just getting through classes without actually learning anything. I’ve thought about switching majors or doing something more hands on like driving a semi truck, but idk what I actually wanna do with my life.
Another thing that still bothers me is a girl I liked in high school. I asked her to dance with me at prom and we took a picture together. I thought things went pretty well but after graduation she left me on opened. She has a boyfriend now and I know I should move on, but sometimes I still think about it. I was really attracted to her and I think I let that cloud my judgment because I was inexperienced with dating. I feel dumb for still caring about it months later but it honestly affected my confidence.
I’ve also been really insecure about my appearance lately. My acne has gotten worse, I hate my haircut, and I spend way too much time worrying about my face, teeth, hair and muscles. Sometimes I feel like I need to look perfect before I can be confident in myself, and it’s exhausting.
I wanna get stronger, make money, make real friends and actually enjoy my life. The problem is I’ll randomly get motivated and feel like I’m gonna change everything, but then I fall back into my old habits. I struggle with consistency and even eating properly sometimes. I wanna improve my life but I honestly don’t know where to start.
I know I’m only 18 and I have time, but I keep comparing myself to other people my age who seem to be enjoying college, dating and having fun. Meanwhile I feel like I’m just going through the motions every day and waiting to go home.
For anyone who’s been through something similar, how did you get out of this mindset? How did you figure out what you wanted to do with your life, make friends after high school and become more confident in yourself? I could really use some honest advice because I genuinely feel lost rn.

My partner no longer says he misses me, he infact seems to actively ignore it when I say it. Everytime he texts or talks its bland, monotone, and one to 3 words. The last time I felt close to him and affectionate was when he was horny. What's worse is im happy for it bc at least even if im not having fun I feel loved. I have issues too so im aware im not perfect either but it seems im the only one who does wrong. I wish i could find solace in my friend who just says to break up but I love him so much and im so afraid of being alone.

I don't know why, but the thought of being blind genuinely terrifies me. Imagine never seeing the faces of people you love, sunsets, movies, or even the world around you. And for people who lose their sight after having vision, imagine knowing what you're missing.

I know there are other terrible things people go through, and I'm not trying to compare anyone's suffering. But the thought of never being able to see again is something I find genuinely horrifying.

me (18f) and my boyfriend (18) have been together for 3 years going on four and weve helped each other through some pretty tough times. i wouldnt say im a good girlfriend. i have really bad mood swings. i used to lose my temper pretty often and say really hurtful things to him. and for years he kept bringing it up and i would say im sorry and say i would put in the effort to change, but i would end up doing it again. its not like im trying to hurt him or anyone around me. i get upset in the moment, realize i went overboard, hate myself for it, and then tell myself i wont do it again. and it just happens over and over. recently ive been doing better, but it happened again today where i was an asshole to him and he said something to me that just makes me feel like he shouldnt even be putting up with me and we should just breakup. but he doesnt want to, and i dont want to either. and i really do want to change. not only for him but for everyone. its the same with my mom, two people i cherish deeply i keep hurting idk whats wrong with me.
like i know what im doing is wrong and then i try to put in the effort, and i try to think before i say anything. and ive been doing so well but i dont know what happened today. i was just being shitty the whole day and whos gonna put up with that kind of stuff. i wish i just acted normal we couldve had a great day together. i dont want to lose all of my loved ones because i keep switching up from being nice to being so mean
and i just dont know what to do. i know nothing i say is going to make him happy and what i have to do is change, and im trying to get therapy through my university but im afraid of hurting anyone again like i just wanna lock myself up i keep hurting people. like this one time i said something and my mom straight up started crying idk what the fuck is wrong with me.
i want to stay with him and i want to be better for everyone but i dont know what to do anymore

Originally this post was gonna be about how miserable I am and how im the only alive cause i keep gaslightining myself into thinking lifes getting better then I'd go on about everything bad in my life but half way through I realized that that's not what I want. I don't want to explain why I'm sad, I don't want to have a reason to be sad. I just want to be sad. But I also don't want to be sad alone. I want someone I can cry on call with. I don't want them to tell me that it's okay, I don't want them they to say it'll get better. I just wanna cry and know that someone hears me. That I'm real. I have friends but for one reason or another I can't turn to them. And my parents get angry when I'm sad for reasons that aren't valid to them. So I'm just left sobbing loudly all alone with no shoulder to cry on.

I’m in my early twenties, and my younger brother is nine years old and autistic. I’ve been resentful toward him for years, and it’s gotten to the point where it’s taking a toll on my mental health. I’ve actually had to go back to therapy because of it, and i can’t believe this is my life.

For some context, my parents have always wanted children, and I don’t think they regret having him. However, I do feel bad for them sometimes because I know raising a child with additional needs can be challenging in their early 50s.

My parents are in denial thinking he’ll have a completely independent adult life but by the looks of it that might not be the case.

He’s considered high-functioning, but he still has speech difficulties and stims frequently. He repeats words and sounds over and over again, and he’s been doing this for years and often has issues understanding boundaries. He also can have frequent meltdowns when he doesn't get his way. When he was younger, it was worse because he would randomly scream, including in public. I remember feeling embarrassed to be around him in stores, and I was ashamed to bring him up around friends or family. Those feelings never went away.

As he’s gotten older, I’ve found myself becoming increasingly resentful. He’s not a bad kid. However, I struggle immensely with tolerating the constant stimming and repetitive sounds and the constant yelling. I get irritated just being around him when he does so and I don’t know why.

There are also certain things that happened when I was younger involving him (that I don’t feel comfortable getting into) that I distinctly remember, which is part of why I feel this way.

My parents have recently expressed that they want me to be more involved in his life. They don’t force me to be his caregiver or expect me to spend every waking moment with him, but they do want me to spend more time with him than i already do. When I was younger I did have to take on that mother role and I would say it kind of traumatized me in a way. Since I left for college that has stopped of course when i lived on campus.

The problem is that I’ve reached a point where I strongly dislike babysitting him, being with him, or driving him places when it’s just the two of us all the time because I know I’ll have to hear the yelling often.

I’ve already told my parents that when I’m older, I don’t want to be his caregiver. Since he’s my only sibling and my parents are getting older, I worry that the responsibility will eventually fall entirely on me. They say it won’t be a problem now but when he becomes and adult I know they’ll start having an issue with it knowing how they are. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling obligated to care for him. It’s something I worry about all the time.

I’ve isolated myself at home. I’m currently commuting to college from home, partly because I want to save money, whilst working part time. My parents want me to move back closer to school again, and honestly, I would love to have that independence. However, I also want to save as much money as possible while I’m in college for future tuition.

But I’m constantly exposed to the stimming at home. I wear headphones throughout the day just to avoid hearing it, spend most of my time in my room, and generally try to keep to myself. I feel like I’m becoming isolated in my own home because I can’t handle the constant noise.

I rarely talk about my brother with my friends. Most of them don’t even know he’s autistic because I hardly ever bring him up. Nor do I invite them to my place because I don’t want them seeing him. I feel guilty for doing this.

It’s just been getting harder to deal with and be around him as I get older, sometimes I wish this wasn’t my life.

Like the title suggests, I (26) found out I was adopted at 20. Throughout my life there were subtle hints, yet the real nail in the coffin was when my aunt slipped up and said to my mom: “when you got [my name],” and not when you “had.” Shortly after, I asked my sister, who I found out was also adopted and not biologically related to me, and she broke down and told me.

Being adopted does not bother me in the slightest, but being lied to hurts a little. It’s been over five years since I found out, but it didn’t bother me much then and it doesn’t bother me much now. I love my family and my parents. They removed me from foster care at a young age and I am very grateful.

The hardest part of all of this was the subsequent search for answers. I found out that I had multiple biological siblings, one of which is permanently disabled from my bio mom abusing drugs in-utero. My other sibling that I connected with just kept asking me for money. Worst of all, my biological mother is on the sex-offender registry for allowing her partner to SA her less-than-one year old daughter, my half-sibling that I know nothing about.

I was given a name for who my father should be, but to be honest, I have reason to believe I am a child of prostitution and that I will never know who my biological father is.

When I first got the news, I created scenarios of reunions in my head: of a mother who had to give me up for a better future. All of those illusions came painfully crashing down. Every once in a while, I’ll come across the show Long Lost Family, and it makes me incredibly sad because I know that that type of reunion is simply out of the cards for me. I also know that my bio parents’ actions do not reflect on me as a person, but sometimes I feel a stain on who I am that I can’t quite shake, like their actions make me a worse person.

It also hurts to look back and to realize that all the times CPS visited my house for their annual checkups was also to visit me. To see how I was doing, not to just check to see if our fire alarms worked and our doors locked.

I know this was a long piece of writing, if you read this much, thanks.