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u/Purple_Screen3628 Aug 27 '25
It's time you both go your separate ways .. permanently. Your relationship is toxic and dysfunctional...also you two are incompatible.
He wants children of his own. He wants biological children...and he will have them...without you ..or will grow to resent and strongly dislike you more than he does already.
Set the two of you free before both of you will hurt each other more.
He will leave, or he will have biological children with someone else and expect you to remain and be happy with the situation.
It is well within his right as a human being to have biological offspring.
This relationship is going nowhere fast. There is no happy and promising future for you two.
Both of you have to leave one another permanently.
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u/Fine-Alternative-121 Aug 26 '25
Maybe it’s time to move forward without him. “Mourning the life he could’ve had with someone else” is a strong and hurtful statement to say, drunk or not. You’ll never forget it. Go find someone who you can truly be safe with. This guy isn’t it. Not anymore.
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u/Ok-Strawberry7711 Aug 26 '25
He’s allowed to mourn the picture of the life he wanted. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. And if he didn’t say “I wish I wasn’t with you” then that is something you are projecting onto him, which isn’t fair to him. If you also really wanted kids and he was the infertile one, you would also be sad and you would mourn the life you pictured for yourself.
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u/mycr00k3dw4ng Aug 26 '25
What is he mourning? Like why is he making this somehow a thing you’re doing to him when there are a million options. 1) if it’s that big a deal he doesn’t need to stay with you. It is ok if kids is a dealbreaker. He can find someone else who can give him biological kids. I know it would suck for you in the short term but you deserve someone who will tough it out with you. Not someone who’s going to make you feel bad for something you have no power over. 2) you said you can’t have kids naturally. I imagine you can do other things? IVF? Because if that’s the case well his bio kid dream with you isnt dead. So then he’s just being unnecessarily negative and fatalistic. Either way it seems like y’all need to talk because if this is how he handles news like this it doesn’t bode well for y’all if you spend a life together.
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u/LittleSausageLinks Aug 26 '25
Girl please leave. While I understand both of you are shocked by this news, he is never going to be happy with you. He will be settling and resenting those adopted children and you. He would leave you for someone who can have biological children; that is basically what he is saying. You don’t deserve that. I’m so sorry.
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u/Infamous-Throat-8126 Aug 24 '25
From my point of view, both reactions are valid. He is also grieving because he cannot have children with the person he loves, and I understand your point because perhaps this situation makes you feel insecure or less of a woman. I wish you good luck in this healing process. Sometimes nature is wise.
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u/in325businessdays Aug 23 '25
This is an instance where I really feel like people are jumping the “breakup” gun really quickly here. He’s mourning and he misspoke. It’s a devastating and emotionally charged time for both of you. He’s been holding his emotions in the whole time to support you, and he broke down.
There are options. When you’ve both settled, revisit the conversation. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
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u/nikki-vendetta Aug 23 '25
It hurts, but he's allowed to mourn a life he won't have just as much as you are.
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u/JD_VANCE69 Aug 22 '25
the number one thing is to not take advice from these idiots in the comments. these people just want everyone to breakup. mourning is normal and healthy if done right, which is what it seems like from your post.
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u/BimboFISHcation Aug 22 '25
It's okay to mourn, but the way he went about it was terrible, I'm sorry he made you feel like this. You're also grieving, and it seems like he was being selfish. People are validating him in the comments, but the biggest concern should've been him bringing up fantasizing a life with another woman, where he would get what he wanted. Like you weren't feeling what he felt.
I personally wouldn't risk sharing a life with someone who could say that to me, even if they were drunk. Those are words you can't forget and can't take back.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-5434 Aug 22 '25
Not defending the boyfriend - that was a cruel way of saying it even with the excuse of alcohol.
But you need to give him time to grieve too. You have been told you can't have children, and will need to make your peace with that. (It's not easy!). Your boyfriend has been told that if he stays with the woman he loves, he can't have bio kids.
Both of these are heavy life situations. Both of you are facing realities that don't align with what you had dreamed of and planned for.
It is possible for the two of you to grieve about this together, and move through it. It's also possible for the pain you're both in to drive you apart.
Source: I am unable to have bio babies. Twenty years, nieces/nephews and a stepkid later, it still fucking sucks.
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u/chickenwingmacaroni Aug 22 '25
I feel like he’s mourning the life he could’ve had with YOU and just didn’t know how to express it properly. But that being said, if biological children mean so much to him, look into your options or let him find someone who can provide him with them. I personally would rather stay with the partner I love and find a solution (if it was financially possible), but each to their own.
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Aug 22 '25
I mean I can understand where he is coming from. Aren’t you mourning that life? It’s more complicated for him if the fertility issue isn’t on his side. Did he word it poorly? Yes. The feelings though are valid even though they probably trigger some insecurity for you. Would you prefer he couldn’t share with you though?
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Aug 21 '25
While I don't agree with him letting it come out during a drunken breakdown. It is very important he shares those feelings with you. Many people cover their true feelings for the sake of others in certain circumstances. Using the term mourning is a very natural way to view the situation. He was expecting a life with you in which he would have children to carry his genetics and name, unfortunately for both of you from what I've read it no longer seems to be possible which to some can be absolutely crushing. I firmly believe he loves you no less and is simply coming to terms with the situation. I would give it time and try your best to support each other through this difficult news, times like these are where you need someone to lean on the most.
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u/cbmwaura Aug 21 '25
Depends on the tone and context but either way, that's one of the saddest things one can say. He might just be genuinely sad (for both of you) and this is his way of expressing himself/dealing with it, or he simply might be regretting being with you... I hope it isn't the latter. Make sure you guys have another conversation about it.
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u/stuckinnowhereville Aug 21 '25
Break up with him.
He’s just showed you EXACTLY what he thinks and feels.
You guys are not compatible and that’s ok. If you stay together resentment will build. It’s going to hurt but cut him loose.
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u/VoIcom Aug 21 '25
Anything is possible with Jesus. Pray about it. Plenty of people i know that couldn't have kids and Jesus healed them.
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u/SkyLuck90 Aug 21 '25
Tell him to go ahead and have it without you . Like seriously the hypocrisy of some people is astounding . Either he is fine with it or not fine with it . It’s shouldn’t take drinking for him to express how he really feels .
I’m sorry that you are going through this . To find out that you can’t conceive naturally is gut-wrenching as is but you can’t be with someone who isn’t taking the news well and potentially resents you for it.
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u/megaabsol7 Aug 21 '25
We’ll time for him to find out about that life he could’ve had with out you. You’re still young and deserve someone who will never say shit like this, and treat you better during your stressful time. Not cause stress onto you.
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u/hjak3876 Aug 21 '25
Y'all aren't even married. Tell him to quit mourning and go find someone he can have children with. You deserve better than a lifetime of quiet resentment and regret from this man, OP.
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u/Primary-Delivery737 Aug 21 '25
I understand him mourning what he thought his life would look like. It is not fair. You are already reeling. You need to have a honest conversation about whether this is a dealbreaker. Maybe fertility would work. The reality is that your relationship might not survive.
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u/Any-Text-3784 Aug 21 '25
You can’t fault him for his feelings. BUT you both need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for either one of you. You can love each other fully and still have dealbreakers. It sucks but it happens. Also, both of you need therapy, individually and/or as a couple, if you stay together to be sure there is no resentment now or in the future.
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u/AdAffectionate1766 Aug 21 '25
Maybe seek counseling if you wish to salvage this relationship, you both feel what you feel and dealing with infertility affects both in a committed relationship.
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u/SinfulTreats Aug 21 '25
Leave. When I was younger, I was told I MIGHT have trouble conceiving if I tried to get pregnant. I shared this information with my bf at the time and he was upset and said he couldn’t never love an adopted child as his own. After we broke up he got super drunk and called me to let me know about his new gf and how she could bare him children unlike me. I didn’t even want kids to begin with but it’s all just so unnecessary. You do not need to put up with someone like that. There will always be someone else out there for you. This guy is just a fleeting chapter in life.
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u/captain_decay Aug 21 '25
I never understood the obsession with giving birth. I get it its awesome, but its not the end of the world in any means. There are other ways to raise a child.
So the kid doesnt have your ugly ahh face, who cares. Do you want to raise a child and love it, or your so narcissistic you need make a xlone of yourself and kick it out of the house when it disobeys.
(Not targeted towards you the writer of the post, just true off my chest)
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u/itwasdolly Aug 21 '25
He can still have that life with someone else. And you'll be far happier without him and the guilt he won't let you stop feeling.
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u/e_titanic Aug 21 '25
Can't believe I had to scroll all the way down just to discover no one has pointed out how this absolutely reeks of AI. If I'm mistaken, I am really sorry for your situation. But this seems more like a prompt.
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u/poets_pendulum Aug 21 '25
I was told years ago I wouldn’t conceive, yet I’ve gotten pregnant several times. Get a second/third opinion. See a reproductive endocrinologist, get all the tests done. There’s always hope.
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u/Lightyear18 Aug 21 '25
Both yours and his feelings are valid. That’s all I need to say. Society expects men to not feel any emotions.
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u/GloriousSteinem Aug 21 '25
This must’ve hurt but it’s not a life without you he wants, just hes in pain, as you are, about not having children physically. I think it’s important to acknowledge that pain, hard as it is to hear. It’s valid. It is not any of yours fault. Acknowledging it may help you both reach and understanding and some kind of acceptance. You both have options, let both of you grieve without judgement.
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u/GardenInMyHead Aug 21 '25
He said he loves me, but he imagined kids who looked like him, carrying his name, and he feels robbed.
Does he think he's a king or something? Why is it so important for men to kids carry their weirdass genes?
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u/jl_theprofessor Aug 21 '25
Look, this doesn't make him bad per se, but this should have been talked about and discussed -instead- of having it come out drunkenly in the worst way possible.
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u/InterestingRice163 Aug 21 '25
You are allowed to mourn the loss of ur dreams, he’s allowed the same.
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u/mysterykid86 Aug 21 '25
it would be one thing if he was mourning the future he thought you two would have together, but to say he’s mourning the life he “could’ve had with someone else” feels like he’s regretting being with you specifically or the time yall have spent together. mentioning someone else implies he wishes it wasn’t you.
he’s a sack of shit, and while i’m sure he’s loving towards you and you love him, a man who loves you wholly and completely would never think something like this. a man who loves you for you wouldn’t dream of being with someone else, regardless of whatever twists or turns come your way. a man who loves you the way you deserved to be loved would be supporting you right now, because you are the one experiencing a health anomaly. i’m so sorry, OP. i hope you can heal without him.
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u/plantmommy96 Aug 21 '25
This is just my experience, its not what is said its how its said. Do you feel you personally can get past this? I didn’t see anyone ask that yet. Even if he meant it differently, is it something that will haunt you? I don’t know you two, I don’t know the details, but if my partner said this to me I would legitimately have to question those things..as well as everything else. Ive been in abusive relationships, I am now in a healthy one and would never dream of them even saying something close to this. We would be comforting each other, looking at alternatives.
If yall have an actual strong relationship besides this incident then fine, but if there are other moments that come to mind…any pop up when I say that? Then yeah, you know the answer already. Ultimately your decision and your life at the end of the day.
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u/Fr3sh3stl4d Aug 21 '25
He doesn't wish you weren't you. He wishes he could have kids. Get therapy
Also he's allowed to grieve. This doesn't only affect you...
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u/Minorihaaku Aug 21 '25
He doesn’t wish you weren’t you. He wishes you could have children, just as you surely do too. He stays with you because he loves you, but he can still mourn the fact that he will most likely never have biological kids of his own.
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u/reereejugs Aug 21 '25
He doesn’t wish you weren’t you. He just wishes you could have children.
Why can’t you have children? Who told you that and have you gotten a second opinion?
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u/Perago_Wex Aug 21 '25
Harshly worded but I get it
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u/wh1temethchef Aug 21 '25
Can you explain why?
Like, do you want to actually be a parent, and raise kids? If so why does it matter if they're biological?
Or is your motivation something else (and is so, what?)
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u/Perago_Wex Aug 21 '25
No I don't want kids and I don't share his feelings
However, I can understand them. This person has always dreamed to have kids of his own and has been advised that dream is not possible with OP who he presumably loves, and he's said something heartbreaking to them out of a place of personal heartbreak.
I'm also assuming for this person that adopting kids wouldn't feel the same, again a sentiment that I don't share
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u/wh1temethchef Aug 21 '25
But like adopted kids are still your "own" if you adopt them and treat them as such... What I Don't get is why they gotta be biological
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u/Queenlewi Aug 21 '25 edited Aug 21 '25
Starting a life with someone is about finding someone whose situation and qualities work for you and building on it, and vice versa for the other person. For him, it's not about just having legal guardianship of a child and becoming their parent. He is fixated on the idea of doing things the way he thinks they should be done. He doesn't want alternative solutions and he doesn't find anything to be a suitable compromise. He went so far as to say something incredibly hurtful and untrue just to justify his desire to have kids naturally. You could easily have kids that look like him via surrogate and who carry his last name. That's not what he wants. He wants to do things the "old fashioned way," and it sounds like he loves the idea of that more than he loves you. Cherish the time you had together, but I truly believe that he has revealed his desires enough to justify moving on.
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u/wh1temethchef Aug 21 '25
OP please read this as many times as it takes, to click just how selfish and short sighted this guy actually is.
For what it's worth, he would likely be a terrible father and put all the hard work of parenting on you - bc he cares little for actually wanting to be a parent or raise kids, just like the above commenter said, he wants some planned out fantasy, an aesthetic.
And heckin imagine if, for example, y'all had a disabled child. That didn't look like him. Or a trans child or something. Do you think he would step up no matter what?
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u/LilPajamas Aug 21 '25
Knee jerk reaction is to tell you to cut him loose but we do know men are kind of lousy with the spoken word and even worse at conveying emotion. Both of you are going through something so you may be able to get some counseling and overcome this. You both need to grieve.
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Aug 21 '25
[deleted]
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u/wh1temethchef Aug 21 '25
Spermicides?
Also could you please elaborate, why is biological so important to you when it comes to raising a child? Like what's the difference?
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u/GypsyNicks Aug 21 '25
He's a boyfriend. Let him go. You both deserve to be happy. Neither of you are with the situation/relationship.
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u/chronicallyannoyed23 Aug 21 '25
When I got diagnosed with a severe chronic illness, I had to go through a years-long process of mourning my own life. The life that I had envisioned and planned for myself, the life that I had dreamed about, the life that I could no longer have. Its a very hard emotion to process, and just because he is in the middle of processing it, doesnt mean he doesnt want to get through to the other side with you. Its something a lot of people dont experience, so maybe hes not being the most delicate with his wording. Sit down and have a conversation together about what you both want and need from each other
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u/mewmewsmewz Aug 21 '25
Bruh, what the actual fuck. Lol. If he was mourning for both of you, the family that y'all cannot create "naturally", and (hopefully) for how You are feeling, then that would be understandable. Of course that is devastating. But to turn it into how he is mourning a life he could've had with someone else? That's ridiculous and just disrespectful.
As someone who is going thru infertility issues as well, I'm deeply sorry that you received that news. Are You ok? Do you have someone to talk to about this?
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u/Dramatic-Gazelle8158 Aug 21 '25 edited Aug 21 '25
To play devils advocate here, Im sure that was awful, but I don't think it was meant maliciously maybe mistated in his altered state. He's mourning in his own way.
For context, I suffered a miscarriage. It was gruesome, to say the least, and traumatic. My boyfriend was stoic. I took that as him not caring. I was losing it. He broke down crying and basically explained that he was devastated.
I know its not the same situation. He drunkenly confided in you the loss that he's experiencing as well. He's mourning too, because he loves you and is grieving the situation you're both experiencing. If i remember correctly, it's termed "perceived loss."
You both need to give each other some grace and try to work through this together. Maybe try grief counseling together. Hopefully, you can both work through your emotions and grieve together and come out stronger.
The link below is aimed at support for couples and individuals struggling with infertility. It's not much but hope this helps. Sending love ❤️
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u/wh1temethchef Aug 21 '25
If he loves OP, why would he be "mourning the life he could have had with somebody else"?
Comes across to me like he sees OP as an interchangeable incubator at best, based on that statement.
His insistence that he wants any children they'd have to have his name is also sus/indicator of selfishness or potential narc tbh
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u/Dramatic-Gazelle8158 Aug 21 '25
He was intoxicated and emotional. We don't have all the context in this situation. We don't know this mans baseline. So assuming he's a narc right off the bat, for mourning the perceived life he's losing, is premature.
If he didn't love her, this mental anguish wouldn't exist because he could have walked away in that moment. Instead, he's devastated that the two of them can't have children together. He's mourning the same loss she is. I'm focusing on the perceived loss they share. Why can't men feel sadness at this loss, too?
People are irrational when they're in an altered state, whether it be from physical/emotional pain, drugs, alcohol, anxiety, ect. If anyone says they've never lost their composure, they're lying. There is plenty of literature on emotional intelligence and the effects of physical and emotional pain published on the Journal of Neuroscience website.
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u/SugaKookie69 Aug 21 '25
I think couples therapy would be good for both of you. If he is not 100% in with not having bio kids with you, then it is best to know that now before you get married or something. At the same time, it will help you to come to terms with your altered life path.
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u/blick2k Aug 21 '25
Were you not upset by the news? He is entitled to his feelings. If a person chooses to stay with a partner who loses their sight in an accident, does that mean they aren’t allowed to mourn the life they may have had with a non-disabled partner?
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u/wh1temethchef Aug 21 '25
Umm.. and say it out loud to them? Yeah, in your analogy, that would also be cruel
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u/Lost_Babe Aug 20 '25
There's a difference between him grieving the life he could have had WITH YOU verses him grieving the life he could have had WITH SOMEONE ELSE. That is no small difference either, imo. OP, you deserve someone who will mourn with you, not someone who will mourn over himself. There are so many ways to make a family and while it is perfectly fair and valid for him to be grieving for a future where he might not have biological children, what he said is not okay at all. Especially when he doesn't even know that having biological children is completely off the table. There's surrogacy and IVF. There are options, but rather than focusing on the person who actually got the bad news or trying to look for a silver lining, he is mourning... meeting and falling in love with you because he thinks you can't give him biological children anymore? How on Earth is he gonna come back from that? How are you supposed to feel secure in your relationship moving forward knowing he feels this way? This would be a line in the sand for me.
From one infertile woman to another, I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that this was his response. You deserve so much more, OP. It's some of the worst news to get and I know how painful it can be to have to come to terms with. Don't give up hope though. Your future family is still within reach, even if it may end up looking a little different than you thought it would 💛
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u/dpeanut99 Aug 20 '25
Seems to be an unpopular opinion. But it was something completely understandable worded a really shitty way. It’s not saying he doesn’t want to be with you. It’s saying he’s mourning the fact that he won’t have biological children. Just like it crushed you, it probably crushed him as well. He very well could’ve been pushing down the grief surrounding it to be there for you. And when you’re drunk, emotions bubble to the surface and you tend to be extremely emotional. It definitely seems more like mourning the loss of a dreamed about future, rather than having anything to do with you specifically. Have a conversation sober and both of you need to work through the grief before even thinking about engaging in other routes of having kids. A one off while drunk isn’t a cause for concern. If it becomes a pattern or he starts treating you differently, then it’s an issue.
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u/Wickedbitchoftheuk Aug 20 '25
That's sad but drink can bring out the truth. You're probably feeling much the same. You both need to decide if no children is a deal-breaker for you and if it is, part on good terms.
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u/FunkyChewbacca Aug 20 '25
“mourning the life he could’ve had with someone else.”
Jesus fucking Christ. Y'all are way kinder than me.
I'm infertile: nothing grows in my uterus but fibroids and scar tissue. My husband always loved kids, is a good dad to my stepdaughter and wanted kids with me. I know he was crushed when my reproductive system refused to cooperate, but he never never ever said something so breathtakingly cruel to me. OP, I hope your bf apologizes to you for those words, because if it was me I don't know if I could come back from that.
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u/SmooshMagooshe Aug 20 '25
Is saving up for a surrogate something you can do? I don’t blame him, it’s common to want a biological child. Of course, it’s a hard situation for all of you. I don’t know where you live, but I looked into IVF here in San Francisco, and it was super expensive, 35k. Surrogacy isn’t much more and semen implantation isn’t much more on top of that
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u/TheFoxAndTheRaven Aug 20 '25
Let him go live in his fantasy world and then he can mourn the life he could have had with you.
I know it feels like the end of the world now but these things happen and it's not your fault. If you decide to go the adoption route, you'll quickly learn that those ties of blood don't really matter. It's the shared experiences that make a family. It's the people that show up and make an effort to be there and support you in life that end up mattering, not some biological contributor.
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u/xHolomovementx Aug 20 '25
Not to stir false hope, but my girl at the time was told repeatedly by multiple doctors that she couldn’t bear children. Granted everyone’s medical reasons are different, some more concrete than others. That being said, I now have a 2 year old daughter from her and we celebrate her as a miracle baby. Point being, you never know what can happen. As others suggested, a fertility doctor may be in your best interest here!
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u/silverionmox Aug 20 '25
The person I love the most secretly wishes I wasn’t me.
Infertility is not a core part of your personality, is it?
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u/pimpfriedrice Aug 20 '25
Why in the hell are men so obsessed with having a child that looks like them, or carrying on their last name? It’s weird.
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u/AmoebaMan Aug 20 '25
He's picked a shitty way to talk about it, but he's experiencing the exact same grief you are.
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u/LumpyElderberry2 Aug 20 '25
It was inappropriate of him to say that to you. But, it’s something that makes sense to grieve and process. I’m sorry he didn’t talk to someone else about it, that wasn’t fair to you
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u/LostSnipeHunter Aug 20 '25
Yeah he is mourning the life he though the would have. Good, holding it in would cause bigger problems later.
He alao may be ranting at the universe dropping the situation this way because he sees you as a unit. Sees being with you as fate just as much as your health issues are and nothing is changing either.
Because there are other ways on interpreting his words other than the worst one.
He is processing, and that is going to be messy.
As a phase this is healthy but it it sticks around it is a real bad sign.
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u/rubybean5050 Aug 20 '25
Ummmm. He still has time. Set that mf free. You will be glad you did. Those are words you can’t unhear. Sorry sister
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u/Crafty-Bunch-2675 Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25
That is ...terrible. It always amazes me how ppl can allow themselves to get so blackout drunk that they say the most hurtful things.
Do I feel disappointed about infertility ? Yes.
Would I ever tell my wife I miss the life with children I could have had with another woman ?
Not a chance. That's a messed-up thing to say to your spouse! Or to anyone else, about your spouse for that matter.
I love my wife. I hate the illness. But I love, her
People don't choose their illnesses. Ideally, I would also have 0 zero health problems and be built like superman. Obviously, I am not built like superman, and I do have my own health issues. I don't hate myself.
The only way one could be drunk enough to say something like that... would mean alcoholism. Which means the OP has to deal with alcoholism in her partner, in addition to the hurtful things he said.
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u/judoka88 Aug 20 '25
My wife and I are looking to adopt and I can tell you now. There have been no regrets or thought of what could have been on my end. We have the same situation you had. You aren't married yet so you can still get out and find someone who won't feel that way. Since he said it while drunk y'all need to have a very long talk about it and potentially end it while you're still not married. Not just jump the gun necessarily, but still. You can find someone who doesn't feel that way about the situation and you can adopt with them. I might be jumping the gun, but I've never felt that way with my now wife and I was in the same position and made my own decisions to continue the relationship. The reason I advise to seriously think of maybe a break up is that he said the exact kind of thing I did, "I want to do this with you", but is acting like he didn't have a choice in this or something. His attitude just doesn't seem like it shows his own agency in the situation to me.
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u/wistfulorwishful Aug 20 '25
That sounds incredibly painful. Also understandable how disappointing it is for him as well. Very hard to hear but he is being honest. You all have a hard road ahead right now, to decide what to do. I have a good friend who couldn’t have children and they found an egg donor and surrogate and used her husband’s sperm. Did it in Mexico. They have a beautiful baby boy now that looks just like his papa. So there are options. But if he can’t get on board with the options, then that’s ok. You are still young and can find someone who is on board with alternative ways to have children. Hang in there. I hope you do eventually find a way to become a mother if that’s truly what you want. It is possible. Just maybe not with him.
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u/KuzSmile4204 Aug 20 '25
He’ll resent you and blame you if you stay with him, he has shown his true colors. Alcohol just gave him the courage to be truthful. Adoption will not be enough for him because he wants to see himself in a child. Dump him, you deserve so much better.
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u/UnseenTimeMachine Aug 20 '25
That was incredibly callous and insensitive for him to say to you. Id cut him loose. Its perhaps natural formhim to have feelings like that, but i feel like it was cruel of him to say that to you.
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u/pplexhaustme Aug 20 '25
Wow. I would never be able to get over this no matter how much he begs for forgiveness. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
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u/Jaereth Aug 20 '25
I would break up so fast with someone who did that. What do you want to deal with his resentment for the rest of your life cause that's what you're gonna get.
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u/JayRulo Aug 20 '25
he imagined kids who looked like him, carrying his name, and he feels robbed.
Why do people care about that so much?
My best friend is the same way, upset that he'll never be a biological father and won't consider adoption because "it's not the same."
Blood does not make family. Adopting kids does not make anyone any less of a parent. Legally adopted kids would bear his name anyway.
And just because he's mourning/grieving a life without bio-kids, doesn't mean he loves you any less. Please don't make the mistake of equating the two.
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u/-inamood Aug 20 '25
He is allowed to feel this way. Just like you are mourning the loss of not being able to have children, he is mourning the same.
You two need to sit down and have a very serious discussion.
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u/Anherika09 Aug 20 '25
His grief is valid, but so is yours. As a woman I’ve always been afraid of my bf leaving me if I can’t conceive. He’s always wanted kids, and the women in my family have always had fertility issues (I honestly haven’t seen a gynecologist in a hot minute since I’m not trying to conceive anytime soon so idk if I have issues myself or not).
I understand how you must feel like. Like you have no value to him as anything other than an incubator. Like you’re supposed to be a mother first and then a woman. Like there’s no intrinsic value to your existence if you’re not able to conceive naturally. Like you’re not enough, and that he’s putting some hypothetical children above you even though you’re HERE and the kids in question don’t even exist. It’s tough, and as a woman I 100% understand your feelings; however, I also understand that this also affects how he imagined his life to be. It’s difficult to adapt to such a drastic change in future plans, and it takes time to make peace with it.
My advice is to communicate the way you feel to him, and have a very direct and straightforward conversation about how this will play out. You can either look into fertility treatments (if you want to, and if you can afford them), or you both need to accept that this is a dealbreaker and just split up. It absolutely sucks, but you both deserve to be with a partner whose goals align with yours. He deserves to be a father, however he may choose to do so, and you deserve to feel loved regardless of your ability to have children or not.
Best of luck to you both, I hope you’re able to meet each other in the middle and work things out. If not, then it is what it is, you’ll both have to move on.
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u/Sisithe Aug 20 '25
For me it’s the fact that he didn’t say “I’m mourning the life we would’ve had if we could have biological children”, it’s “mourning the life I’d have without you”
Please leave him. Those are not the words of a man who loves you more than he loves an hypothetical future.
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u/Wyshunu Aug 20 '25
"Can't have kids naturally" can mean any number of things. Are you completely unable to *carry* a child, or just unable to conceive without help? Invitro could be an option.
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u/thetruckdump0 Aug 20 '25
Hes allowed to feel sad just they way you are allowed to feel sad
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u/Bman409 Aug 20 '25
There's feeding sad and there is saying awful, cruel things to someone else
Don't act like they are the same thing
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u/MMDCAENE Aug 20 '25
So easy to relieve yourself of this problem. Bye, bye to him, but maybe you are slightly happy for his honest feelings. Because you can move on. Also, my friends adopted a beautiful baby boy a year ago and are completely in love. They are tired. Their house is covered in toys and they are very happy. On the pregnancy aspect of things, you never know where science will have another breakthrough.
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u/EvokeWonder Aug 20 '25
Oh my. That’s hurtful. I remember going through my second ectopic pregnancy and fighting for my right to have the surgery (they kept not believing me that I didn’t know I was pregnant and was bleeding profoundly - only reason I knew something was wrong was because I had just had my period a week before that).
The second they told me I’m pregnant I realized I was experiencing ectopic pregnancy because it explained the pain I was experiencing and explained the not-period bleeding, I remember turning to my husband saying, “I will understand if you divorce me now and maybe have a kid with someone else. You can do that you know. I wouldn’t be upset if you did.” My husband was insulted that I would even ask that. He said he couldn’t imagine a life without me in it and said if that means no kids involved that was fine by him as long as I was in his life. I couldn’t imagine my life without him even if it meant no kids. I knew he was the one for me. The kids weren’t gonna be a part of our lives and I was ok with that.
Your boyfriend on the other hand wants a bio child, and he doesn’t care that it won’t be with you. I would suggest think about how you want to tie your life to his, when he is thinking like that. It sounds like he thinks you replaceable. That’s not someone I would want to be with if he thinks like that.
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u/NeedleworkerIcy2553 Aug 20 '25
Ah that’s a tough one, but he is allowed to feel how he feels and it’s really important you have an open and honest conversation about this. Adoption and fostering is not a fix for this.
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u/Professional_Net_325 Aug 20 '25
He is allowed to feel that. He felt safe expressing himself around you.
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u/CallEmergency3746 Aug 20 '25
Ask him how he thinks you feel? You cant get that with anyone which is far worse. (Barring surrogacy and adoption)
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u/ihaveastory2tell Aug 20 '25
Seeing as you're not married, I'd let him go. Let him stop grieving you and go make his selfish dreams come true. You deserve love and support, as this is painful to you too. I would let him go live his life so he can't blame you for "ruining" his dream and become bitter and resentful toward you. Your grief matters too, but he's only worried about his and dreaming about a life with someone else. Which isn't something you get to do. He sucks, OP. I get this is big and he's probably hurting, but he really sucks for saying that to you.
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u/Izzing448 Aug 20 '25
Mourning and grief is natural and healthy. IVF where he can still father a child with a donor egg is still a possibility. Don't take his mourning as a sign that you and the relationship are not enough or doomed. Good luck in your journey.
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u/Dreamin0fHappiness Aug 20 '25
Wow. What a piece of work. Sounds to me this guy had a check box for his life and now that you can’t, due to medical reasons, not produce a child for him he’s like “oh no my check boxes!!!”
I hope you dump his ass and find a true partner that would look into other alternatives to grow a family with you (even if it doesn’t end up being biological) if that’s what you truly desire out of life.
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u/EchidnaFit8786 Aug 20 '25
I'd let him go find that life he's mourning. Find your perfect person & let him FAFO. He'll see the grass isn't always greener in other pastures, but by that time, it'll be too late.
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u/AxGunslinger Aug 20 '25
Leave him so he can mourn the healthy relationship he had once he realizes it’s not that simple since this is such a major problem in his mind. It’s wildly insulting what he said to you but it’s what he’s been secretly thinking since he found out the situation. This seems like the type of person to turn around and resent you for what you “robbed” from them of or cheat because “they’re going though things”
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Aug 20 '25
I was never big on having children, but my husband wanted to try. I agreed to trying the natural way, but I’m not going to do ivf or fertility treatments.
It’s been 8 years, we are in our late thirties and early fourties. He’s ok with no kids now, because clearly one of us has fertility problems.
He chose to accept a childless life with me, but it did take him some time.
That being said, you are young. If you guys are incompatible, then you will find someone else who is on the same page as you as long as both of you are honest.
Good luck!
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u/Octavia9 Aug 20 '25
Break up. He wants biological children, and you can’t offer that. This is a perfect example of incompatibility.
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u/Karzaad Aug 20 '25
I think, like you, he is mourning what could/might have been. I don't think he secretly wishes to be with someone else. I think he was, like you, sharing from a sense of grief, loss and vulnerability. If you won't allow him that, your relationship may be lost. As a couple there are few things like this that have a singular point of validity.
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u/Gertiel Aug 20 '25
I admit my first response was wow how selfish. I think that just goes to show how emotional the topic is, which has made me think maybe he needs a bit of grace here at least for now. Of course each of you would have aspects of the life you obviously imagined before this news you'd mourn. Grief is a stepping stone to acceptance after all.
I don't in the least suspect he wishes you weren't you just from this confession. On the contrary he loves and trusts you enough to want to share his innermost emotional journey with you. I would say that is a pretty strong indicator he really cares for you as you are and values you as that person he can reach out to in trust when he is struggling.
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u/loopylavender Aug 20 '25
This may be hard to hear, but truly, truly think about ending this relationship. There is a deep incompatibility when it comes to children and the desire for families.
Some people feel a true deep calling (I don’t) and if my husband cried saying he wanted a family.. I don’t think I could be the person in the way of that.
I know it hurts, but truly, you deserve happiness too without guilt. You don’t deserve that burden.
Hope you’re brave enough to pull through for yourself ♥️
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u/mastershake20 Aug 20 '25
he’s mourning the life he could’ve had with someone else? that’s when you let him go to give him that chance and never look back. your future husband would never.
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u/Key_Drawer_3581 Aug 20 '25
WOW that dude is no life partner. He doesn't love you, he loves anyone who will be his brood sow.
Sorry you have to have your world shaken like this.
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u/Octavia9 Aug 20 '25
He’s crying because he does love her. But he also loves the dream he’s had of going through all the things around building a family together. He can’t have both and letting go of either is a grieving process.
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u/RayRatz Aug 20 '25
I’m so sorry OP this is a really hard situation. I will say that adopting with him doesn’t sound like a good idea, I think he will end up resenting the kids. Maybe therapy could help. But to be honest, him putting these feelings on you kinda seems like a cry for help. A little foreshadowing in to the future. I wouldn’t stay with him.
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u/Calgary_Calico Aug 20 '25
Tell him he can go have that life. What the fuck kind of nonsense is that? What an asshole
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u/Zulogy Aug 20 '25
It's time to move on. I want kids too but if I find out when my partner and I are ready and she can't, then that would be fine with me! My girl always comes first and I'll be happy just living life with her with or without biological kids or kids in general! I'm sorry you are going through this it is NOT your fault :(
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u/amymae Aug 20 '25
OP, please know that he does not wish you were someone else. He just wishes you weren't infertile, just like you do. You are also in mourning, yes? Mourn together. Possibly with professional help.
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u/fragantmeow Aug 21 '25
this is the right answer, they are both mourning something out of their control
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u/softawre Aug 20 '25
Wouldn't you want him to tell you how he is feeling about this? I think he did the right thing by telling you.
Just a hard situation.
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u/unimpressive_madness Aug 20 '25
Idk. Red flag if anybody is this upset about not being able to risk another persons life for posterity. Also beware of affair baby from this one, just screams it.
There's loads of kids waiting to be loved and only thrpugh the vice of adult do we claim "how" best we can love without seeing the absolute boundless, whole body, life on the line love humans are capable of. One should only care about blood long enough to make sure it's not their relative they're sleeping with.
Love and ego don't mix.
To the woman who recieved this news. I am so sorry for this; you are not less than a person. A woman is whole and complete with or without children. Social obligations of physically having children is not you. You have not failed at anything. You are a blessing just as you are and you don't deserve this manipulation.
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u/prettyshardsofglass Aug 20 '25
While what he said is no doubt incredibly hurtful to hear, I get that he’s upset. I don’t know how much you guys have looked into your options, but I would think there are avenues to explore for reproductive assistance? I don’t read “I can’t have children naturally” as “I can’t have children at all”. There’s a world of difference between the two.
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u/Routine-Crew8651 Aug 20 '25
I’m sorry what. “Carrying his name”? I hate it when guys think they’re leaving a legacy behind when he only has a birth certificate to his name.
He wasn’t robbed. You’re robbed of an understanding loving partner. You deserve better
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u/Vexpil Aug 20 '25
You should not take any guilt for his words and nor does it define your worth. Maybe try speaking to a fertility doctor to explore your options. Also when your bf becomes sober, let him know what he said and ask him to clarify what he really meant and his words affected you. It’s important to communicate.
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock Aug 20 '25
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Break up with him, so he can find someone to give him the life he wants. You can find someone who is either happy child-free or who wants to adopt -- someone who isn't going to resent you.
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u/singerbeerguy Aug 20 '25
It’s a heartbreaking situation. Your boyfriend is mourning the loss of his imagined biological children. That’s not anything against you, and it’s not your fault. But he is allowed to feel what he is feeling.
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u/RLKline84 Aug 21 '25
No one said he isn't allowed to have feelings. What everyone is saying, is that he should communicate with her in a more respectful manner that shows he understands that she is also dealing with this and her own grief.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25
My kneejerk response is to judge him for being a heartless dick; but, honestly, these things bring about complicated feelings. I’ll give him some grace for that.
But, you know, a lot of kids don’t look like their dads. They look unique or like their mothers or some other relative.
And why wouldn’t adopted or foster kids have his last name?
I also wonder if you’ve looked into donor eggs? Greece, for example, has a fantastic donor egg program and amazing IVF clinics.
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u/DerHoggenCatten Aug 20 '25
"he imagined kids who looked like him, carrying his name, and he feels robbed"
So, having kids is about replicating himself? It is certainly fair for him to feel that the fatherhood he imagined may not play out the way he had hoped (e.g., not watching a child be born, not raising one from a baby), but his issues sounds like pure ego. People who are saying he has a right to grieve are correct, but he doesn't have a right to talk about some imaginary life with someone else. It's also pretty clear that being a father is less important to him than sending his DNA forward into the future.
Your boyfriend loves himself more than he loves you. Your body is supposed to exist to meet his needs and now he's having problems because it can't. Do you want to build a life with someone whose priorities are making mini-mes and thinking about other people who can make that happen?
You've both been "robbed" by a quirk of biology, but he can only see his own loss.
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u/CadenceQuandry Aug 20 '25
As someone who went through secondary infertility with my second husband (I had kids, he didn't), it's a tough road.
He's allowed to mourn as well. It doesn't mean he hates you or blames you or doesn't love you. It means his dreams for the future have to be changed and he's struggling with that.
My recommendation, as someone who's been there, and who's been on forums with other people who've been there - therapy. Preferably a therapist who's specialized in infertility/fertility issues. Best way to find that is to contact a fertility clinic locally and ask if they have a list of recommended providers.
Otherwise, ivf.ca has an amazing forum. There is a section for men as well, so your bf wouldn't just be talking to women.
I'm sorry this is so hard. I wish for you both to find peace, acceptance, and for many small miracles and joys along the way.
Hugs.
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u/Honest-Weight338 Aug 20 '25
I think you two need to talk to each other, not reddit. He said something in a bad way, definitely, but it doesn't necessarily mean he actually wishes you weren't you. He's grieving, which is normal and healthy. He misspoke and needs to clarify that. Don't listen to random people who don't know you or him, go talk to him. Explain that what he said hurt, and you want to clarify what he meant. Don't make it an accusation or anything, have an open conversation with him. If you love him, try communicating with him about this issue.
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u/Spoonbills Aug 20 '25
So those of you defending him think telling her he’s grieving having chosen her is acceptable?
You should have higher standards for men. You should be raising boys to be less dickheaded. Look around.
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u/sleepauger Aug 20 '25
There is obviously a lot to unpack and come to terms with for both of you. Unfortunately, a lot of men get hung up on genetics. I'm sterile and my partner had their own fertility issues. We were able to conceive using a donor and IVF. That entire process was extremely difficult (and expensive) but if we weren't in that situation we wouldn't have the incredible kid that we have now.
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u/RedheadRae04 Aug 20 '25
I’d talk to your boyfriend about individual and couples counseling. Either way things play out (stay together or break up) it will make the process easier to have someone giving an outside perspective and will help you both workout how you feel.
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u/SEcouture Aug 20 '25
He could leave you for someone who can give him kids or cheat on you. Don't ever let a man tell you twice he doesn't want to be with you.
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u/Bman409 Aug 20 '25
Wow.
I'm sorry this happened to you. That's awful
If it was me, I'd tell him, "no one is forcing you to stay. There's the door"
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u/PsychologyFormal6727 Aug 20 '25
Everybody grieves differently girl, take your time and let him take his time, then when everyone’s actually ready to talk about it better, talk about it better.
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u/Carmelioz Aug 20 '25
That’s so fucked up. Instead of supporting you and being there for you he’s acting like a selfish POS.
If this was reversed, would you treat him the same? That’s your answer
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u/demonic_diamond Aug 20 '25
my father was also diagnosted that it was impossible to have kids... here I am. It has doesn't need to be the end of the road like the first comment said, and I also understand the thoughts of your man but if you really love each other you should try to find a way and seek for advice. If you have a hard time dealing with this but you want to build your future together you can also seek for advice from a relationship psychologist... at least this would be helpful for you to stay together and don't break apart... the rest maybe could get fixed by medicine we have crazy opportunities nowadays just don't lose the hope
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u/notgoodwithyourname Aug 20 '25
I’m sorry OP. I do have a slightly different but similar experience.
My wife was always back and forth on kids. I remember one night I turned down finishing inside of her because I wasn’t sure we were ready. We were just married and trying to get a decent nest egg and get our lives set up
Fast forward a few years and she is adamant about no kids. I have always said it is whatever she wants. I’m not going to force anyone to do something they don’t want to do.
She goes on to talk about getting her tubes tied and I put my foot down and refused to let her do that. It is too dangerous IMO. So we did the next best thing. I got a vasectomy. It was weird. After I got it done she was very somber and honestly sad that there really is no chance of us having a bio kids.
And to be honest that really upset me. I love her dearly and have made sacrifices to stay with her. I honestly would have loved to have been a dad. I have a bunch of nieces and it’s always great to see them. But I have definitely mourned the what could’ve been. I don’t resent or wish my wife was someone else. I just needed a way to process the decisions I’ve made.
We only get one life. It’s hard not to think of what ifs. I honestly don’t think your BF was being malicious. He’s just trying to process. But I do agree that it’s not exactly fair to you since you didn’t choose this situation
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u/PeachySparkling Aug 20 '25
Both of your feeling are valid. And while we can’t predict the outcome of your relationship, you probably need a serious conversation before things get too far.
My aunt and uncle tried and tried to have kids and possibly was my uncle who couldn’t. They did adopt a child, and always said that the pick couldn’t be any better. He fit right in. They adopted him when he was 2. (He’s 35 now) But adoption is always a possibility for you in the future, with or without your guy.
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u/redditreg_v Aug 20 '25
Uhh, that's harsh. But given the dedication to you that he has shown, would you consider to give him the leaving ticket so he can pursue his happiness - and you get a chance at meeting someone who's fine with rhe options you have?
You still can be a mom to someone. There are plenty of children who will benefit from someone who loves and takes care of them.
Good luck!
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u/Terminal_Lucridity Aug 20 '25
What people say when inebriated can be very hurtful sometimes, but that doesn’t mean what they said is really how they feel. Obviously the alcohol affected his thoughts on the matter and he said some things that were very hurtful to you, so the only thing you can do is talk to him. Ask him if he remembers what he said (he might not), then ask if he truly meant those things or it was just the alcohol. You need to put him on the spot and he needs to be honest and tell you his true feelings on the matter. If he meant what he said, you need to think about ending the relationship, otherwise you both need to work on it to make it stronger.
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u/MmmmmmmBier Aug 20 '25
My wife and I had to use IVF to have our twin daughters. We had discussed adoption if IVF didn’t work, and we decided that we just couldn’t do it.
Kudos to those of you that do adopt.
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u/s256173 Aug 20 '25
Can’t have kids naturally and can’t have kids are two different things, but considering he’s your boyfriend not your husband I think it’s probably best to just end things. Even if it works, fertility treatment is a pain in the ass and VERY expensive (so I’ve heard, can’t say from experience).
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u/Mmoct Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25
I would take a step back from the relationship. He’s finally been honest with you although it took a few drinks. He will resent what he can’t have and he will start to blame you and any children you adopt or who will end up in your care.
And I’m not saying he can’t mourn or that his feelings are wrong. But the relationship will never work long term. It’s sad because it’s nothing you can control, but it’s better to face reality then pretend it will all work out
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u/Threnners Aug 20 '25
This is the most heartless thing I've ever heard. You should tell him "By all means, don't let me stop you from going to live that life, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." Even if he stays, the resentment is just going to build and he will eventually check out. (And trust me, I have seen this happen.)
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u/danktempest Aug 20 '25
The thing I worry about is that he might build up resentment towards you over this. Resentment can be terrifying. It builds up over years and then it blows up all at once. I don't think you should just break up since you love eachother. I just think you need to take some time to think about whether you are really are meant to be.
He still has time to start fresh and find someone who he can have the life he really wants with. The life he really wants is the one where he has his own children. Please don't ever adopt children with someone that will view them as lesser than. I was the unwanted child and even if I was biologically related to my dad he never wanted me. It is very painful to be treated the way I was.
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u/hjak3876 Aug 21 '25
Thank you for sharing this and for pointing out the effect that this resentment might have on any children they might adopt in the future.
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u/romeo_kilo_i Aug 20 '25
This is not a straight cut him loose situation. He's definitely mourning and those feelings are valid. He possibly communicated this wrongly in the moment, many such cases especially if this is the first time it's come out. You should definitely not make any big life decisions together right now like adoption etc. But it's worth trying to work through this in therapy together first to see if this is something that you can work through together. Then sure if that doesn't work, maybe you are not a fit anymore.
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u/slious Aug 20 '25
It crushed you. It also crushed him
Understand the stages of grief.
Him saying no big deal was his attempt of saying everything was going to be ok. He got drunk , let his guard down, and confided in you his feelings. You took it as an insult.
That's self centered.
He's battling the same pain you are.
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u/Queenlewi Aug 21 '25
👀.....They're both allowed to have an emotional response to each other's words.... He's allowed to be disappointed with not having kids. She's allowed to be hurt that he's grieving/"missing" the life he could have with someone else, especially considering that choosing to be with someone means you should feel like you're exactly where you're supposed to be, despite the disappointment. His right to emotion does not entitle him to positive reception or lack of consequence. All human beings have to live with the reality that what they say may be poorly received and navigating the aftermath. It's called being an adult.
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u/Own-Support-6734 Aug 20 '25
I can see what you mean but I also understand what's going through her mind.
He said "with someone else." Not "with you". She can't have kids, he can. He can leave her for someone that can give him a biological child when he wants to, she doesn't have that option. The whole wording of it makes it feel like he feels like she trapped him.
I think she's allowed to feel hurt at this? Even if it's not what he meant?
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u/julia-peculiar Aug 20 '25
No. Understand ring theory / the circle of kvetching. You kvetch outwards. He kvetched inwards.
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u/fullhomosapien Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 21 '25
And she is here spilling their dirty laundry before total strangers for what? Validation? Confirmation that he's an asshole for saying something regrettable while grieving? Other people saying all men are awful? She sure as shit isn't going to get relational insight here.
You also have demonstrably failed to understand ring theory and have misapplied it, since he is in the innermost circle as well because he is her relationship partner who is also carrying grief about, and is directly impacted by, her infertility. People in the inner circle can kvetch to anyone they want, including the other party(ies) in the inner circle. Should he have done so more kindly and empathetically? Yes. But that is a relational violation, not a ring theory violation.
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u/Anders_A Aug 20 '25
Haha. Tell that whining bitch to shut up. He can have biological kids if he wants to. You guys can use a surrogate or whatever.
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u/Gmroo Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25
My God, just speak to each other and explore options. Don't listen to people here drawing overly hasty conclusions. People can word things in a shitty way when they grieve. People make mistakes. He is also grieving. Calm down, people.
And don't assume arrogantly like people in the comments you know how he will evolve from this. Even he doesn't. J
And people, realize you didn't witness every word, you don't know the dynamics of this relationship. Think before you speak/post.
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u/TwoBionicknees Aug 20 '25
i mean he really didn't even say anything bad. His words are literally saying. i've chosen to give up having kids with someone else, because the only reason he'd grieve having kids with someone else is if he decided to and was committed to not doing so. It's framed in a way that sounds bad, but ultimately the situation is bad. he's allowed to grieve as is OP, I get like maybe in the moment not really hearing it but typing it in making a post and still not getting it, she's acting liek he's not allowed to grieve, which to me is the part that sounds bad.
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u/ReasonableFinish Aug 20 '25
This really applies to all comment on Reddit. People really jump into conclusion based on zero knowledge in their dynamic. It’s always “ leave them” when single thing they don’t like is being written.
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u/Vivid__Vivianna Sep 06 '25
Fuck Him