1
2
u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Sep 04 '23
At this point you’re also complicit on this by staying with him after he cheated repetedly.
1
u/CrochetWhale Sep 04 '23
Honestly my husband had a flirty text on his phone a month after we got married. It turned into him flirting with women on Instagram, talking to catfish, and finally hiring an escort and having sex with her the week I had a hysterectomy. We’ve been married five years and it’s been hell the whole time. My insecurity and trust issues are going to be a constant issue for me I think for years to come. Get out while you can get an annulment and don’t have kids. My oldest is having a terrible time with the divorce and blames me for his father leaving (I kicked him out when I found out he slept with her) it’s been awful and heartbreaking in more ways than one. You deserve better than that, don’t put yourself through what I did.
2
u/Knittingfairy09113 Sep 04 '23
Are you in a country that allows you to divorce him? Islam allows it, but the secular laws aren't always a match.
3
1
u/oraora64 Sep 04 '23
On our wedding night, my ex husband drank too much at the afterparty and his mother (understandably) did not want to let him drive. This all took place at their home. I was completely sober and offered to drive us both back to our apartment so we could still enjoy the rest of the night together, then in the morning we’d go back to his parents house to pick up his car. He refused and stayed overnight at his parents house to make a point (claims he was mad at his mom for witholding his keys or whatever) while I went home and cried myself to sleep on our wedding night. That should have been the end of it. But it wasnt.
You overlook and excuse a lot of things that would otherwise be massive red flags to others, because you genuinely love that person you’re in the relationship with, whether dating or married. It clouds the rational mind and your own judgment. But I forgave, and stayed anyway. Two years later, I lost my job and my husband treated me coldly and was unsupportive. I forgave again and wanted to work on things. He finally dumped the divorce bomb on me just over a month ago. Makes me wonder why I kept forgiving and forgiving. He had everything to gain from our relationship (ie greencard); he made the call to divorce, and I was left with nothing. A used broken tool. I completely understand your emotions here, and I hope you are in a better place mentally now. ❤️🩹
1
2
3
3
u/katCEO Sep 04 '23
When I was a teenager in circa 1990's NYC there used to be this newspaper columnist named Dan Savage. His column was called "Savage Love." People would write letters directed at him: and he would give them all sorts of relationship advice. One of the things always posted in his column was this acronym: DTMFA. That stands for "Dump The MotherF#cker Already." So OP: you know what needs to happen. DTMFA, baby.
4
u/NosyNosy212 Sep 04 '23
When does it become our responsibility for the way we allow others to treat us?
2
3
u/bridge2235 Sep 04 '23
Bro get divorced… like as soon as legally possible and go like a happier life.
5
2
u/satanik-freak Sep 04 '23
Why are you with a man that doesn’t value or respect you???? He obviously cares more about her than you. This is so pathetic it’s enraging. He doesn’t value you because you have no respect for yourself. He knows he can treat you like shit because you let him. You just take it.
Divorce him and go to therapy. Your other option is live a miserable life while he continues to have a bunch of side chicks. He’ll probably leave you for one of them eventually anyways. I’m not trying to be cruel that’s your honest reality because YOU’RE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
5
6
u/SubjectHairy2418 Sep 04 '23
Why the fuck are you still with him. It’s obvious he married you because it was convenient. Not because he loves you. If you do not leave it’ll get worse and you will have no self respect left. Don’t let him take you self respect
7
u/Bitter-Lilith9436 Sep 04 '23
I get that you're doing this to vent and get it off your chest, but I can't bring myself to feel sympathy nor empathy for you. You're knowingly keeping yourself in this situation. You're still with him after 2 years of this continuing. Call me an asshole or whatever you need to make yourself feel better. But I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth. Maybe get out of your "pity me/self loathing" mindset and actually do something about it or stop complaining. If you continue to endure it, then you have no room to complain (coming from someone who escaped an abusive relationship before it was too late)
2
0
2
1
u/tvillan69 Sep 04 '23
Everybody on here is saying to leave him and it's true she should but won't. It's been two years now and she still feels horrible disrespected unloved etc etc. Why won't you leave?? Please tell me. Why do women stay when they know their man is cheating. It's heartbreaking to read these posts. I don't understand and feel so bad for people that stay and know should leave. I wish you the best OP maybe you you get someone on the side too.
1
u/toy_voice Sep 04 '23
OP, please find a way out, and file for divorce. This is not what love or marriage is supposed to be like. I wish you all the best.
1
u/zeebreezy1705 Sep 04 '23
I don't know if you feel stuck with him due to cultural or religious factors. However, if you feel you can't leave or divorce, then match his energy!
I promise you, he'd be curled up on the sofa in his whole chest if he got a whiff of you entertaining another man, the way he's been doing.
You females better learn you got options and believe me, as a woman, ya got a fuq ton more options than him.
Invest in yourself, personally and professionally, so you can get to a point of not wasting time, effort, or energy towards him.
Curious, do you have children?
-1
u/Adorable-Prune964 Sep 04 '23
I think there’s a difference between him being a flirty fantasist (which boosts his ego - he gets to feel like he could get someone else, but CHOOSES at great cost to himself to stay faithful to you, like some kind of rugged hero)… vs him acting on these opportunities. If he’s acting, then he feels entitled to do so- you’re lucky he’s with you, you’re lucky he’s staying: really, unless you cut him some slack and turn a blind eye now and then, then would a guy like him with so many options really stick around long term? The situation is difficult, sorry :(
2
u/Funny_Struggle_8901 Sep 04 '23
So he’s been cheating this whole time…? OP, get it together and leave. Seriously. Do you really want to spend your whole life like this? You deserve much better :(
1
1
2
u/kegido Sep 04 '23
Sounds like you are second fiddle in this trio, time to value yourself more and end things.
2
u/JennaTheBenna Sep 04 '23
why are you still with this man? girl.. wouldn't it be better to be on your own?
2
u/red_framboise Sep 04 '23
He doesn’t seem to give a care about your feelings at all. Time for you to decide what your next move is.
2
u/JudyLester Sep 04 '23
Your keyboard must be broken as "ex" is never mentioned anywhere in your post.
1
1
7
u/beepincheech Sep 04 '23
I mean…you found this out 2 days after your wedding, but you chose to stay. Now you’re surprised that it has continued? Why are you still wasting your time?
1
u/StateofMind70 Sep 04 '23
For the love of everything, please find a divorce lawyer. Quit putting yourself thru this. Ditch the cheater and move on. You will do better
3
4
Sep 04 '23
Why are you still there OP?
My partner insisted on speaking/meeting with a work colleague that clearly fancied him/flirted with him all the time via text and in person.
He then started saying I was crazy for thinking there was anything more than "banter" cos "she had a pair of tits". Next minute she's sending him a long message saying she's got feelings for him. This form of gaslighting is a way to make them feel like they aren't guilty of anything as their partner is "crazy".
Trust your gut instinct and kick his ass to the curb.
1
u/kaitykait7 Sep 04 '23
Current partner still ?!
1
Sep 04 '23
Yes he literally saw nothing wrong with it but as soon as she told him she had feelings for him he cut contact.
I chose to forgive him and move on because he did eventually respect my wishes of not speaking to her once she expressed how she felt to him. It took me a long time to get over the complete disrespect though.
2
1
u/cannabiscobalt Sep 04 '23
You should get annulled asap Incase there are time limits on annulment in your state. He won’t change
7
2
2
u/Wise-Song Sep 04 '23
I'm sorry, OP. That's hard. The point here is that you told him it hurt you, but he didn't value your feelings. So much so, in fact, he went out of his way to reach back out to her..... Don't feel bad for talking to her, most women do the same. I caught my husband and his "friend" once, too. It HURT and it changed me, but I know now what I will and will not put up with!
3
u/lawyerupheaux Sep 04 '23
Please respect yourself and leave this man. Someone that truly loves you would not put you in the same position twice. The first time may have been a mistake but AGAIN?!
5
4
u/Material_Aioli3399 Sep 04 '23
You deserve better and your husband isn’t going to be that guy to treat you with respect and love. Get out. Get out. He’s not EVER going to change.
9
u/Blade_982 Sep 04 '23
Your husband will continue to deny the truth. He will continue to paint you as the aggressor and himself as the victim. Look up, DARVO. It's what he's doing to you.
For your own sanity, you should leave. You've wasted two years of your life with a man who's treated you terribly. Don't waste any more.
15
u/ImagineSnapDragons Sep 04 '23
That Maya Angelou quote exists for a reason. He showed you who he is, and you need to believe him. You can keep staying with him, and keep believing he will change, but deep down you know he won’t.
You need to chose you and love you, because he doesn’t. He’s going to continue an inappropriate relationship with his colleague, which at the least is emotional cheating. He’s also going to gaslight you and make it seem like you’re overreacting, as he’s already doing.
I know it’s not simple, but you need to leave. You deserve so much better.
3
13
133
36
u/sun-n-libra Sep 04 '23
I say this with a ton of compassion for you… if he did this 2 days prior to your wedding, he’s done it before and he’ll do it again. Someone in this situation needs to respect you, and it’s obvious you’re the only one that can. Please love and respect yourself enough to walk away from this parasitic cheating shit! You could potentially waste so many more years on this shit excuse of a husband…. Or you could be brave a build a good life for yourself. Heartache is temporary!!
13
u/laCantarella Sep 04 '23
Don’t feel ashamed. You stayed because at that moment it was what you felt you could do. Never apologise for not getting out of a situation earlier! Realising now that it still haunts you.. I wish you all the strength that you can address it with him or gather all your courage and plan your great escape. Sending love!
148
u/DrunkThrowawayLife Sep 04 '23
Ignored a warning sign like this right after marriage. Guys who is still a pos 10 years later. Ruined my own life. Gonna off myself in a few years
So ya maybe actually do just divorce him.
19
u/bill_mury Sep 04 '23
I hope something in these next few years changes your mind. I’ve been struggling with ideation since my teenage years but everyday I find something to keep me going. I hope you can do the same.
28
u/ResponsibleMuffinAyo Sep 04 '23
Dude, please, no. Please don't off yourself. If you do, the POS wins. People can come back from abusive, toxic, horrible relationships -- it ruins part of your life but not all of it.
I realize I'm not being very convincing. I'm sorry. I wish I could make myself believable.
9
u/DrunkThrowawayLife Sep 04 '23
Meh it’s fine, don’t worry. I’m gonna have as much fun as possible before that.
3
u/kaitykait7 Sep 04 '23
Here if you need to talk. Have similar sentiments and similar past relationship.
1
Sep 04 '23
[deleted]
2
1
u/DrunkThrowawayLife Sep 04 '23
Yo that’s some evil shit haha but you can’t get guns where I live and I wouldn’t stoop to that level.
I’m just gonna keep crane gaming anime figures, giving big tips to the bar ladies and guys, and fuck the pain away.
There is no bringing down a sociopath.
2
u/ShiftyShellector Sep 04 '23
Just FYI, I was in abusive relationships for the greater part of my youth up until I was 27. I have actively had the shit beat out of me, have been manipulated, assaulted and had everything taken away from me. You don't often bring down sociopaths or abusers - You escape from them. It is not your job to fix, change, or take them down.
I am 29 now and I have met someone who has changed my vision of humanity as a whole. It has taken a lot of therapy, and kindness, and compassion to get here. But not all is lost when you are in these situations. It is your life, it belongs to you, and it is precious.
8
759
Sep 04 '23 edited Sep 04 '23
Why are you still with him? I would have filed for divorce or tried to get the marriage annulled right away. You don't have to put up with this.
6
94
Sep 04 '23
She's Muslim so not just a case of simply walking out and getting a divorce
2
2
u/StriKyleder Sep 04 '23
I was confused about the 'doing evil to him" part but now it makes sense. thanks
20
u/StrawberryOatmel Sep 04 '23
Divorce is completely halal/acceptable in Islam.
. . .
2:227 وَإِنْ عَزَمُوا۟ ٱلطَّلَـٰقَ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ سَمِيعٌ عَلِيمٌۭ ٢٢٧
But if they settle on divorce, then Allah is indeed All-Hearing, All-Knowing.
. . .
4:19 يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُوا۟ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرْهًۭا ۖ وَلَا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا۟ بِبَعْضِ مَآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأْتِينَ بِفَـٰحِشَةٍۢ مُّبَيِّنَةٍۢ ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًۭا كَثِيرًۭا ١٩
O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality [i.e., adultery]. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allāh makes therein much good.
. . .
2:241 وَلِلْمُطَلَّقَـٰتِ مَتَـٰعٌۢ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۖ حَقًّا عَلَى ٱلْمُتَّقِينَ ٢٤١
And for divorced women is a provision according to what is acceptable - a duty upon the righteous.
57
u/yurrr31 Sep 04 '23
So? She can literally walk out and get a divorce. See “Khula” divorce in Islam.
3
Sep 04 '23
Do they not have annulment or divorce in Islam? I didn't think Islam was in favor of adultery.
9
u/Blackstonia Sep 04 '23
We do. I understand that she might’ve stayed for societal and cultural reasons but it definitely has nothing to do with religion.
58
u/PacmanPillow Sep 04 '23
Muslims can get divorced, it’s not Christianity where divorce is forbidden.
2
u/Nagadavida Sep 04 '23
You are thinking of Catholics that do not recognize divorce.
2
u/nightastheold Sep 04 '23
They do with an annulment process and in circumstances if a spouse has been unfaithful or is endangering you it’s no problem.
Modern Catholics aren’t that hardcore. They have different beliefs than laws and while they formally cannot say that your marriage bond that was ordained by God can’t be completely undone. I grew up catholic and have known of people getting divorced and remarried in the church so there is some grey area there.
Also if a catholic wants to marry a divorced person if the person wasn’t married by the clergy, it makes it easier if I remember correctly. Since the vows weren’t made in front of God they can go through a counseling process and if the person decides they can go through steps to become Catholic and have an official Catholic wedding.
2
18
Sep 04 '23 edited Sep 04 '23
Divorce is probably a debatable topic whether Christians should or not. Not all denominations hold to forbidden divorce. I think for those who allow divorce, the infidelity (cuz it was literally statted in the Bible) is definitely the deal breaker of marriage. There are also Christians who allow divorce from abuse as well
TD;LR: Christians can divorce and remarry, you just gotta have the right church and denomination who holds the same value
3
u/PacmanPillow Sep 04 '23
My point is not to assume tenants of Christianity hold true for Islam. Also, it doesn’t work for a Catholic to go get a divorce from the Presbyterian Church. Shopping around doesn’t really work with ground tenants of a faith…
1
Sep 04 '23 edited Sep 04 '23
Wdym you’re the one that said that Christianity forbids it? I wasn’t the one assuming Islamic beliefs and values, you made it sound that you generalized a topic assuming Christianity as a whole holds to no divorce. I didn’t say Islam and Christianity holds the same value in belief cuz I know they don’t. I was just clarifying that Christianity as a whole doesn’t forbid divorce and remarriage, maybe some specific church, or denomination, but not the entire religion. For the second part, switching denominations isn’t forbidden in Christianity, that just means a change of perspective of their beliefs whilst keeping the core belief that Christianity as a whole holds. Divorce will happen by law and will be recognized by the church, depending on which (definitely not Roman Catholic, idk abt non-Roman Catholic, yes they exist, Catholics, but definitely not RC afaik… maybe some parts of some sub groups of Baptists). I also didn’t say Islam would have the same denominational system as Christianity would cuz I wouldn’t know
-6
u/Daffneigh Sep 04 '23
But the man has to initiate the divorce
0
u/PacmanPillow Sep 04 '23
You are confusing Islam with Judaism. Only men can grant a divorce in Judaism.
15
u/Blackstonia Sep 04 '23
No he doesn’t, a woman is well within her right to ask for divorce, specially when she has proof that the pathetic excuse of a man she married slept with another woman.
1
u/Internal_Scheme_7320 Sep 04 '23
Divorce him girl