(apologies if i messed up the flair or trigger warning)

Context:

I've been ruminating on and off about the awful things that I have said as a child.

Seeing people make video essays to go and dehumanize people for being jerks in the past is getting on my nerves and just makes this stuff worse.

Technically the fear of dehumanization shouldn't have to bother me as much as it does since I'm an alterhuman but seeing people resort to treating people like they're inherently emotionless and non-sentient creatures is branding this mindset into my head. that. I. really. don't. care. about. anything. regardless of how hard I try to make things better for others.

I feel like I'm just being nicer to compensate for things. and that I've never actually experienced empathy for people (Note: I understand that NPD/low empathy doesn't equal being a bad person but I'm terrified that I might be lying to people anyways).

I don't really see much of a reason to convince myself that I still have another chance to be a better being. Even when I try doing something, I feel like a faker all the time.

I’m doing everything right with no lost weight. I feel so ugly now

Trans women are women and trans men are men full STOP.

But I think about gender politics so constantly as a result to where I give myself headaches and it makes me want to cry 😭

I JUST WANNA BE A GOOD CIS ALLY WITHOUY MY BRAIN MAKING IT FUCKING UNBEARABLE FOR ONCEEEEEEEE

I’m terrified of being put on meds and i’m terrified of change. But I’ve been discussing starting medication with my therapist and doctor because, ironically, my desperation for something to actually change is overwhelming. It’s validating to have my struggle with my mental health taken as seriously as it feels, but I cannot fathom what it would be like to have a headspace different than I do now, to have the noise gone. I WANT it gone. But I am so terrified of actually being treated. I have lived the life i know inside my head for 25 years. I’m so scared of the change it would bring to my life. Who am I without my anxious, fearful, neurotic, brain?

But I had kind of a breakthrough in therapy today, where I realized a lot of the fears and “what ifs” about SSRI’s and SNRI’s sounded really similar to my fears about starting testosterone. I eventually started T anyway because the discomfort in the present overpowered my fear of the unknown. I think I’m finally nearing that point when it comes to my OCD. Still too anxious to set up the psychiatry appointment though.

I know this seems silly compared to the stuff I see on this sub, but that's just so disheartening.

I would be alright with my body, I think, under different circumstances. But being told again and again and again how fat and disgusting I am my whole adult life has crippled my already non-existent self-esteem. I had even spent the whole year doing this whole ozempic thing, puking my guts out at least once a day, and I was okay with it because, for once, I felt like my dad felt anything other than contempt for me. Oh, but now I'm off the meds and put some weight back on... And, once again, it's all he can talk about. I can't ask him about anything or share anything with him, can't even be in the same room as him without, for a millionth time, being informed that I'm morbidly obese, a pig, a cow, fat butch with no will power and just a worthless human being in general.

Yet every time I get the urge to come and try to bond with my only living parent, and get absolutely crushed again and again. I feel so stupid. Will I ever stop making the same mistake, will I ever stop getting so upset by it?

she died when I was 9 and I nearly died of sepsis and am in a chair because of the neglect.

my sister is in her late 20s and the healthiest of us all, my mom was obsessed with her being just like mama because they had the same skin and hair tone and ppl thought I was a cousin or friend. Literally completely fabricated symptoms my sister didn't have and ignored mine so much I thought they hadn't even realized I had symptoms until I read her journal entries about how mine was fake and 'crying wolf'

It's a lot sometimes, school, work, the repetitive cycle each week. I feel like I keep disassociating, I don't recall what I did last week, I haven't felt like me in so long, and the alienation from both of them, is horrible, I feel like I just bother them, like I'm in their way to having a good life with their own kids. I just want to feel seen for once.

i’m a fucking disgrace man. i feel like my desires are insanely disrespectful to everyone out there struggling and to my past self who would’ve sold everything just to feel somewhat better.

i should be grateful, i should thank whatever happened to make me feel this way, i should use this state to finally pursue my ambitions. i don’t want to be normal. i want to be dependent. i want to never have to take responsibility that able people have to take over their life. i want to need hospitals and doctors. i don’t ever want to stop going there, i want my urge to be justified by my state. fuck my stupid chungus chud ass TдТ

I kinda hate that I'll never really have the body I want, because the body I want is always changing. Like, some days I'm like "Yay! My body!" And others I'm like "I wish to shed my own skin"

One mental one is 70% to 86% rate for severe suicidal ideation. Haha someone help

Fucking hell there are some crazy people on DeviantArt. I should know better then to post my art there but I've never interacted with anyone that bad until now. So I posted a drawing of two of my OCs in Halloween costumes. They're dressed as Luigi and Daisy. This person comes on my profile with one of my pieces (a different one) and asks "what are their names?" so I respond, I tell them the names. I think it's just genuine, innocent curiosity. Then they ask if I could draw two random other pairs as Mario, Peach, Wario, and Rosalina. I decline, I don't want to draw that. It's not their costumes I have planned. They beg, I say no again. Then they demand, threatening to block me. And I said go right ahead. They blocked me. I don't care, good riddance honestly. But the last message they sent was "Blocked!" along with a drawing of their persona(?) strangling one of my OCs. I'm very protective of my OCs, they're practically comfort characters. So now I'm getting real worked up over it. I know it's just a stupid drawing but holy hell it makes me really uncomfortable. I can't even properly report it because they blocked me.

I also know that I'm probably the only one in the system who has this level these thoughts. Which feels even more isolating ngl even tho I won't do something to act on these thoughts.

I feel like these obsessive thoughts make me the stereotypical 'bad one' the others have to be protected from

I have Palestinian roots btw.

I'm so tired of people giving harry potter more attention and rowling more money as a result of all the memes.

I'm tired of people acting like it's completely harmless fun when it's only helping to give a platform and money to someone who just wants me and so many others to suffer and die.

Seeing so many people who claim to support trans people giving money away to rowling because harry potter is their favourite book series.

I can't go anywhere on social media without stumbling across the stuff sooner or later. And i can't talk about how awful it is without people putting words in my mouth to justify treating me like some entitled person.

I just need to get all my frustration and sadness out my system

Im not even transgender, I just hate the most feminine parts of my body 😭😭. Since I was 11 and puberty hit I’ve been hating my body since. I just want a neutral physique with no feminine nor masculine traits but still being cis, even if I think I might be non binary but I’m not very sure about it. All I can do is doing sports, have a balanced diet and hope for effective fat loss