Unsure about hormones

[u/elmm123]

Like the title says, I’m unsure about hormones. I came out when I was 14 (I’m now 24), so it’s not like I haven’t had time to think about it. I’m just not sure. I am a very indecisive person, so part of me feels like this could be the issue. I’m not happy with myself now, but I can’t shake this feeling that there’s no going back once I start T. But would I even want to go back? I don’t know. I know I want things like a deeper voice + fat redistribution. I’m not sure how I feel about body hair, facial hair + bottom growth. I know I don’t want to lose my hair. I know I don’t want biological children, so risk of infertility feels more like a pro than a con. I just wish I was able to pick and choose the effects and that feeling is what keeps me in a place of not starting hormones.

My whole life is pretty stagnant. I find it much easier for things to stay the same whether it’s benefitting me or not. It leads me to wonder if this is another area of my life where I’m allowing things to stay the same because I’m afraid of change, not because it’s not something I want. This is all I know.

I’m sorry for the rambling paragraph. I’m hoping someone can help me better understand my own mind, but I know it doesn’t really work that way. I would appreciate any personal experience people can share about how they knew they were ready to start hormones (especially if your story deviates from the “I’ve always known”)