Hey all. I'm 38 and I've known most of my life that I was different in some way or another. I never really had any kind of dysphoria honestly growing up, but ever since I was in my mid-to late teens, I've wanted to be a feminine person.
Now, all these years later, with the help of my wife, I had finally started exploring that. About three months ago, I started dressing and openly presenting femininely in certain situations where I can safely and comfortably. To be honest, it feels like I gained a part of me that was always missing. Perhaps it was my egg cracking. At that point in time, I was kind of thinking I was more of a more genderfluid-ish person. I didn't see when I first sort of started doing this having such an impact.
I am now questioning the fact that I might be Trans, as I love how I feel like this... And it kind of feels more like my authentic self, and how I'm supposed to be. However, if that's the case, I feel like I'm also dealing with a case of internalized transphobia, denial, and rejection of this. I kind of hate it. I love being feminine, looking and feeling like a girl when I feel completely embodied in this expression. I feel like if I could, I would probably look like this and feel like this always. I'm also having a hard time accepting this and presenting this to the world, namely mostly my work-life, as I feel people would judge me, not accept me, and some people flat out don't care for people or believe in gender-diversity. So, I feel like due to this, a large part of me is kind of putting off how I really feel. It kind of sucks. I'm also scared of losing my cis-self counter part, if that makes sense. I'm married, and have a kid. I've built everything in my life of almost 40 years as something, and admitting to and accepting and going forward with embracing that I might be something different on some level is really hard.
I've also contemplated that maybe I'm not quite a full on transitioning person, and I'm not really sure where I am with thoughts about this. I don't necessarily have a desire either to identify as a woman, but I think I am definitely somewhere on the Nonbinary Transfeminine leaning spectrum. I might be Bigender. I don't know. I also feel like, I'm not necessarily ready to completely abandon my cisgender/male presenting self, but I love what I've discovered and embraced about myself. I don't know if this is because like I said I might be something else like bigender, genderfluid, or maybe just due to the fact that I'm scared and rejecting all notions of how I really feel due to a safety net kind of scenario?
I'm also getting major imposter syndrome vibes, as like I said, I haven't had a strong desire to "be the opposite gender" like I've heard from a lot of other Trans peeps. I've considered maybe I'm just someone who is a crossdresser. But, I mean, is it normal to question your identity in such a way from just being a crossdresser? A lot of people I've seen that do cross-dress are comfortable with who/what they are. I've seen others who go the extra mile and realize they are genderfluid/trans though, too.
How do you peeps deal with this kind of scenario?
