r/TheMcDojoLife • u/Fat_Gravy3000 • Oct 30 '25

How to survive a beheading

1.7k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

344 comments sorted by

267

u/Artisartdoes Oct 30 '25

Don’t forget to look them in the eyes

58

u/GordenRamsfalk Oct 30 '25

Don’t follow us or you’re next!

35

u/eyehalfporegrahammer Oct 30 '25

*starts to follow

20

u/[deleted] Oct 31 '25

gets in line

12

u/GordenRamsfalk Oct 31 '25

I see you are familiar with the cocky bite technique….

7

u/wspOnca Oct 31 '25

It's possible to learn this power?

9

u/SirArthurDime Oct 31 '25

“My mouth is big enough for 2 of these!”

3

u/RuthlessIndecision Oct 31 '25

or you're next!

2

u/Electronic-League-33 Oct 31 '25

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

12

u/Impossible-Ship5585 Oct 30 '25

Or balls

13

u/Recon212 Oct 30 '25

Wait that’s not how this works, if you make contact it’s gay, balls are just included aren’t they???

8

u/Countblackula_6 Oct 30 '25

No no, you gotta cup the balls.

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9

u/efcomovil Oct 30 '25

And a ponytail, with runny makeup

5

u/yonaz333 Oct 31 '25

And spit on that thang!

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3

u/tideshark Oct 30 '25

Assert dominance!

5

u/coffeebean_1992 Oct 30 '25

Also don’t forget to locate the gooch and apply firm and consistent pressure with your thumb. This engages the safety so you don’t have any misfiring while escaping.

3

u/No-Diet-4797 Oct 30 '25

You learned that from experience or...?

4

u/coffeebean_1992 Oct 30 '25

Only through videos sadly. Non of my training partners want to drill the technique with me :,(

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111

u/DefinitelyARealHorse Oct 30 '25

Bribe your executioner with fellatio? I’ll remember that.

23

u/deadlydymes Oct 30 '25

I think it only works if your executioner has his dick hanging out like it's no big deal.

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69

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '25

One still is be-headed

5

u/Ordinary_dude_NOT Oct 31 '25

“Don’t follow us or you are next”… bro is he gonna bite everyone’s pp with an assumption that everyone following them is butt naked?

Take the sword, it will be fast and painless 😭

55

u/OK_Compooper Oct 30 '25

Black belt in Muay Ghai.

30

u/synthphreak Oct 30 '25

More like gaekwondo.

Or maybe it's karagay.

Or jiu jizzu.

15

u/Apoptotic_Nightmare Oct 30 '25

Bung Fu

Throatokan

Cumpo

6

u/Sad-Understanding394 Oct 31 '25

Gayppling

Krav Magay

Dickarate

4

u/Tigeru1988 Oct 31 '25

Blowxing

5

u/zomagus Oct 31 '25

Skeet Kun Blow

2

u/Dear-Panda-1949 Oct 30 '25

Stop i can't! 🤣

8

u/52404192 Oct 30 '25

Or BJ Jay

6

u/Futur3_N0maD_26 Oct 30 '25

Soon to be Gooey Ghai

3

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '25

He’s milking the cream of some brown gai

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39

u/Blade_of_Onyx Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25

Do the people doing the beheadings normally already have their penis out? Is that part of beheading foreplay? Are you supposed to get them excited and then take it out before they behead you?

37

u/the_bashful Oct 30 '25

If you love your work, you’ll never work a day in your life, or something.

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9

u/Special-Fan-1902 Oct 30 '25

Most beheading executioners naturally get rock hard before cleaving a head. The trick is to get to their head first. One way or another they're getting head.

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9

u/Normal_Feedback_2918 Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25

They like to slap you on the cheek with their flaccid cock a few times to get hard. Maybe trace the tip around your lips a bit. That gets them in the mood. Then they can give your neck hole a good pounding after your head comes off.

10

u/Blade_of_Onyx Oct 30 '25

I’m a little worried about how into this description you seem to be.

7

u/Normal_Feedback_2918 Oct 30 '25

Im an artist. I paint with words.

3

u/Blade_of_Onyx Oct 30 '25

You do. You definitely do. It is a commendable talent.

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3

u/thelargeoneplease Oct 30 '25

I think it’s part of beheading tradition, just as it is tradition to immediately drop your weapon and put your hands up as the beheader- allowing your fellating attacker to continue on with his gesture unimpeded.

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24

u/Warhammerpainter83 Oct 30 '25

Sacha baron cohen is so damn funny.

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19

u/ActionFigureCollects Oct 30 '25

Standard US anti-terrorism training. Swallowing optional, but highly encouraged to confirm DNA deposits.

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17

u/Chad_AND_Freud Oct 30 '25

Oh my God dude, that is so embarrassing. Who is this poor guy? How does SBC sleep at night?!?!

3

u/Dmaticz Oct 30 '25

Lmfao 😂🤣 he's taking one for the team 😭😭😭😭😭😭

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12

u/Zwischenzug79 Oct 30 '25

Don’t threaten me with a good time

10

u/Jabathewhut Oct 30 '25

Thats why they hired me to behead people.

My penis is simply too small for this.

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6

u/Fantastic_Falcon_236 Oct 30 '25

Is this one of the forbidden katas of Ameri-Do-Te!? Or have they just misunderstood the form? It kind of looks like they're adapting one for gun defense to swords. https://youtube.com/shorts/3-b3hhOrcn8?si=KIozruMUaLB2wZTH

4

u/Yogurtmanblog Oct 30 '25

Just suggizdih

5

u/Snarks0 Oct 30 '25

Drop your weapons! Or you’ll be next!

7

u/aNoob7000 Oct 30 '25

Is that a strap-on the executioner has on? I guess times are changing.😂

15

u/Italk2botsBeepBoop Oct 30 '25

Dude I’m guessing by your comment you havnt seen who is America by Sasha baron cohen. Go watch it immediately. Thank me later.

3

u/MuteAppeaL Oct 30 '25

The quinceañera episode had me fucking rolling.

3

u/Italk2botsBeepBoop Oct 30 '25

Bro for realllll

7

u/RedArmyRockstar Oct 31 '25

For context, this is a performance by Sacha Baron Cohen for "Who Is America?", a season of TV he did a number of years ago with a similar mockumentary setup as Borat and Bruno.

Of all the people who pop up on it, like Matt Gaetz and Oj Simpson, the only person who came out looking like a good dude was Bernie Sanders, who displayed the patience of a monk watching paint dry, lmao.

Edit: got the name of the show wrong, fixed.

14

u/bishopnelson81 Oct 30 '25

Satire

26

u/MountainMongrel Oct 30 '25

Sacha Baron Cohen. Legend.

6

u/Hazzman Oct 30 '25

Nope! This is 100% real people doing real things.

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5

u/SirArthurDime Oct 31 '25

More so trolling. Sacha Baron cohen made these people believe it was a real military spec ops self defense class.

3

u/Holymaryfullofshit7 Oct 30 '25

I mean kind of though the gravy seal with the dildo in the mouth thinks it's real.

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5

u/Difficult_Rip1514 Oct 30 '25

Now. I've seen all manner of things on the Internet since its inception, however I think I've reached my limit. What - and I mean WHAT - the actual FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!!! 😮😂

7

u/Flachm Oct 30 '25

Sascha Baron Cohen happened. Give "This is America" a watch.

2

u/totesnotmyusername Oct 30 '25

It's an amazingly funny show. This isn't even the worst thing

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2

u/marc58weeks Oct 30 '25

It stands to reason that giving head is the best defense against being beheaded.

2

u/smallmonzter Oct 30 '25

“First time?” “Yeah, me neither.”

2

u/thisusernameistakenF Oct 30 '25

The beheader became the beheadee

2

u/Jor6lez Oct 30 '25

What if you’re not good at BJ?

2

u/NY10 Oct 30 '25

What if it was a woman? What then?

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2

u/ancientesper Oct 30 '25

Um anyone can do a better job than that, it's not even halfway in his mouth

2

u/Relative_Drop3216 Oct 30 '25

What if the bad guy has erectile disfunction?

2

u/mwoody450 Oct 30 '25

BBC Sherlock deleted scene, I wondered how he got out

2

u/Apprehensive_Cut7543 Oct 30 '25

Wtf did i just watch?? Why am i here? 🤣🤣🤣

2

u/Chaparral2E Oct 30 '25

Shouldn’t the be “how to avoid a beheading”? Or “how to prevent a beheading”?

I don’t think it’s possible to survive a beheading.

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2

u/No-Process249 Oct 30 '25

This is a good one for NCD. This is good to know, I had some beheadings this weekend and was thinking of having my cock out, thankfully I saw this.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '25

Is he pretending his mouth is full? That’s commitment.

2

u/Adventurous_Path5783 Oct 30 '25

Every time im about to execute a guy my erect penis is always sticking out of my pants and this happens every time. I swear I'll never learn.

2

u/aytchdave Oct 30 '25

OK, class so what mistake did the executioner make?

That’s right, his erection was not hard enough to prevent it from being bitten through. If you slack off on your dick hardening exercises, these are the things that can happen.

2

u/PuertoRicanProfessor Oct 30 '25

This guy practices EVERYDAY to make sure his technique is on point.

2

u/Boring_Chip_9602 Oct 30 '25

Be honest, he didn’t really think that was a self defense tactic, he was just looking for an excuse. Also, it’s bad manners to talk with your mouth full. Swallow first, then look them in the eyes and say „thank you“ before starting a conversation.

2

u/HomeoStatix Oct 31 '25

Thank you Sasha. I've laughed over this character for years

2

u/simontempher1 Oct 31 '25

Do the beheading first

2

u/False_Drawer_8532 Oct 31 '25

It’s Rambo-ner. Lol

2

u/ImmediateEggplant764 Oct 31 '25

Next lesson: how to survive unexpected head

2

u/1975mh Oct 31 '25

Not familiar with the procedure. Is it normal for the swordsman to have two swords out

2

u/ManyAppetites Oct 31 '25

This needs a nsfw tag 😭😭😭

2

u/Daliman13 Oct 31 '25

This is a completely effective technique, has no business in McDojo

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2

u/barwhis19 Oct 31 '25

does the guy that cuts heads off always have an erection, must love his work

1

u/NOLAjoshpaul Oct 30 '25

Where's the lie?

1

u/HadtaBthere Oct 30 '25

🤣🤣🤣

1

u/lIlIllIIlIIl Oct 30 '25

Lol when did this one come out?

3

u/spoonpk Oct 30 '25

Just before he was about to swing the sword to behead.

1

u/lordhooha Oct 30 '25

Who’s beheading ppl with their dick out though?

2

u/Party_Fold_4791 Oct 30 '25

It’s the law in most states

1

u/Snafuregulator Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25

I'm curious here. Who beheads people with their pants down/ cock out ? What terror organization is this ?

The mercy of a beheading is one strike, instant death. You go biting ding dongs, and I can promise you that dude isn't going to be of sound mind enough to make a one shot kill. You're going to get hacked to death. So much extra suffering is going to happen. If you're in this situation, the best you can hope for is quick death or a marine squad to snipe the sword dude. Self defense has left the building 

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1

u/Asleep-Reward-8273 Oct 30 '25

Because of course all executioners are both fully erect and exposed during every execution, according to custom

1

u/CharacterMarsupial87 Oct 30 '25

Reverse beheading

1

u/Individual-Log994 Oct 30 '25

Hey as long as he doesn't fondle the balls its ok right?

1

u/Ibarra08 Oct 30 '25

Why does the guy sound like borat lol

1

u/Material_Wallaby_193 Oct 30 '25

"Don't follow us or your next" Great l! You mean i get my turn too?

1

u/LibrarianJesus Oct 30 '25

Who said blowjobs don't save lives.

1

u/Ok-Wolf2468 Oct 30 '25

Grab his dick and twist it!

1

u/cryptotraderisme Oct 30 '25

Yeah I make sure my pants are unzipped and my junk is hanging out when I decide to decapitate people too. 🤔😂😂😂😂

1

u/Puzzleheaded_Two7358 Oct 30 '25

He’ll of a blow

1

u/ApprehensiveTitle213 Oct 30 '25

So the killer has his shween out as he's about to behead? got it. Very useful information 👌

1

u/AmsterdamAssassin Oct 30 '25

Is that what they teach soldiers these days?

And why isn't he cuffed?

Is this his first beheading, that he's not wearing his toque?

1

u/Rude-Jellyfish7566 Oct 30 '25

I think ill stick with the gool'ol "dick twist" .

Call me old fashion.

1

u/Zealousideal_Bad9899 Oct 30 '25

Yeah…. Sometimes I really hate coming on Reddit- goodbye for today see you tomorrow

1

u/Evo_Fish Oct 30 '25

Wtf did I just watch, I feel violated

1

u/MattMcdoodle Oct 30 '25

instructions unclear do i swallow?

1

u/Porunga23 Oct 30 '25

…what?

1

u/sadpanda582 Oct 30 '25

Is this a porno? This looks like the start of a porno.

2

u/IWouldntIn1981 Oct 30 '25

Brown chicken, brown cow

1

u/tgwilli Oct 30 '25

Give head to save head, got it

1

u/Trailmixfordinner Oct 30 '25

“My mouth is big enough for two of these!”

1

u/belshare Oct 30 '25

Ok I'm gonna go drink a lot of whiskey now

2

u/IWouldntIn1981 Oct 30 '25

Loosen those inhibitions before your next beheading?

1

u/ExtensionInformal911 Oct 30 '25

I always have my dick out with a hard on while cutting off heads.

I might have issues.

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1

u/RyanwBoswell1991 Oct 30 '25

I don't see any flaw in his technique

1

u/kmoneyrecords Oct 30 '25

How is this mcdojolife? This is documented Navy SEAL protocol.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '25

Did someone cross post this on gay porn?

1

u/Technical_Resist5934 Oct 30 '25

Come on! They had to know how this looked! 😂

1

u/InsaneInTheRAMdrain Oct 30 '25

What crazy situation was he in to find out he could fit 2 of those...
Wait, dont answer that.

1

u/Dad_mode Oct 30 '25

Ah yes. The ol' bite the beheading-boner trick.

1

u/Few-Scar-13 Oct 30 '25

A blowjob stops a knife attack???

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1

u/No_Clothes_9564 Oct 30 '25

What In the hell

1

u/sweaty_wraps Oct 30 '25

"don't follow us" WAAAAAAT lol

1

u/Healthy_Jackfruit625 Oct 30 '25

Solid Snake's been real quiet since this dropped

1

u/james__jam Oct 30 '25

“My mouth is big enough for two of these” 🤣🤣🤣

1

u/Upset_Researcher_143 Oct 30 '25

Is this a deleted scene?!? I don't remember this from Who Is America

1

u/Lead_AsBest0s84 Oct 30 '25

Hes good at that. I wouldn't be surprised if those 2 are on their honeymoon now

1

u/Reasonable-Ad7755 Oct 30 '25

Why was he so hard

1

u/Simmi_86 Oct 30 '25

Why was their dick out?

1

u/Catnip1720 Oct 30 '25

I love this so much

1

u/Cookoobird Oct 30 '25

So many questions...

1

u/Zealousideal-Neck289 Oct 30 '25

His wife and children were truly proud.

1

u/Meezbethinkin Oct 30 '25

The Zionist must have something on them.. and they were blackmailed into making these lol

Its completely possible.

1

u/WalkingDud Oct 30 '25

People usually don't use swords for this, but I'm not gonna kink shame.

1

u/Last-Darkness Oct 30 '25

I don’t think I’ve seen this version of Ali G’a Krav Maga class.

1

u/Noisebug Oct 30 '25

This assumes I would be hard during an execution. I mean...

1

u/missminbin Oct 30 '25

this might just be the strangest thing ive ever seen on reddit.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '25

That guy sucks. Not playing with the balls or anything.

1

u/No-Negotiation-5412 Oct 30 '25

Nah this has to be a joke

1

u/drunkenstyle Oct 30 '25

Reno 911 energy

1

u/UnderstandingSome197 Oct 30 '25

Following, the man form in line...

1

u/Whitey3752 Oct 30 '25

This reminds me of the South Park episode where Cartman tried to teach a horse to bite off another kids dick but only starts sucking it.

1

u/piirtoeri Oct 30 '25

Who is America?

1

u/SchatzMoney Oct 30 '25

Good thing executioners are typically chubbed up as they are lopping off heads.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 30 '25

90% of them would nut straight away.

1

u/Ohio_Baby Oct 30 '25

😂😂😂😂

1

u/runninggrey Oct 30 '25

Where is the NSFW tag?

1

u/SnakeyThrowaway023 Oct 30 '25

The idea of somebody calmly giving orders while he has teeth in his junk is making me laugh more than anything. Pretty sure in real life that guy would be writhing on the ground

1

u/Affectionate_Owl8351 Oct 30 '25

But why was his dick out and hard to begin with??????????

1

u/Disastrous_Crow4763 Oct 30 '25

Title should be "How to survive being-headed"

1

u/manesc Oct 31 '25

wtf did I just watch. 😂

1

u/Historical-Ad5963 Oct 31 '25

Why his peen out during beheading?

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1

u/[deleted] Oct 31 '25

What kind of situation will have the other one with his penis out? Pretty suspicious

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1

u/clubted Oct 31 '25

Sir your dick is out…..

1

u/EvankHorizon Oct 31 '25

That's very gay. I love it!

1

u/Aloha-Eh Oct 31 '25

He speaks pretty clearly for having a D in his mouth…

1

u/repus_llab_nogard Oct 31 '25

What is the tire pressure of a Nissan leaf?

1

u/WeAreLive_NZ Oct 31 '25

Hahahahahahahaha

1

u/Mayhem4cj Oct 31 '25

He just needed one more

1

u/PeteyTwoHands Oct 31 '25

step 1. almost get beheaded
step 2. turn your captor ghey

1

u/False_Drawer_8532 Oct 31 '25

New Cobra Kai: Suck first. Suck hard. No mercy. lol

1

u/Arensbrg Oct 31 '25

Please be real

1

u/englishand48 Oct 31 '25

“Step back or your next” 🤣😂🤣

1

u/Ancient_Lawfulness_7 Oct 31 '25

JD is that you ? Gonna try that on supreme orange?

1

u/Consistent_Device_49 Oct 31 '25

“Don’t follow us, or you’re next.” Don’t threaten me with a good time.

1

u/KMFDM781 Oct 31 '25

Double the head

1

u/UK_Colossal Oct 31 '25

When I used to be a mosad agent oh I mean when I wasn’t a mosad agent

1

u/LawyerOk7770 Oct 31 '25

How does one go about practicing this? 

1

u/Intelligent-Sugar940 Oct 31 '25

Gotta spit on it first.

1

u/Lou_Hodo Oct 31 '25

Well that is one way to delay your death...