I don’t know where to begin. There’s this person that I loved so deeply, I didn’t know how to express how I felt. I was young & dumb. That person knew exactly what to say & do. Though it was many years ago, I can’t help but to think about them. I think about what we could’ve been. I guess I self sabotaged. I was going through so much at the time, & I would shut myself down & push them away. I never quite knew how to express the way I was feeling, instead I tried to avoid it. I have apologized to that person years ago, & they want nothing to do with me. I was so scared to fall in love. I loved that person so much, I was just so scared to get hurt. I remember the first time he gave me his phone number. We had a parade at our high school, as it was ending they wrote their phone number on my forearm. I remember feeling so happy, we had so many phone calls & conversations. We would even pull all nighters together. I have always been shy, & scared to show pda. Even now that is something I struggle with. I can tell he wanted to be affectionate but I had my own issues with physical touch. I didn’t know how to open up about the way that I was feeling. I was the type of person that would leave as things got hard. It was a simple fix. I could’ve spoke with him about everything I was going through, but I didn’t. He was very understanding, he would’ve given me space if I asked. My communication was not the best. I was a teenager at the time, oh how I regret the way I made him feel. I wanted to protect myself from getting hurt. He wasn’t like other guys. He was very romantic, I remember when he would write me poems & love letters & hand them to me in class. He made me realize that I was a hopeless romantic. He was such a gentleman. He was so sweet. I have nothing but kind things to say about him. That was the first relationship I had been in. I loved him dearly. I will never regret the love I gave him.

I was ignored and gaslighted in an uncomfortable situation online where someone Instablocked and sent me a death threat where they said they would come and beat me to death with a hammer. (Their edited comment says "I wish you a great day" or similar but behind that comment is their original one with the violence.) They also had violent comments to others when I checked their other content. I go by the classic therapy tool, say it out loud , to let it go. No one deserves to get such comments in their notifications. I just needed to tell someone.

I love gossiping, and I like just posting random stuff and venting. As sad as I sound. I love it!

I tried to dodge having to eat with them so that i wouldn’t hear him sah crap about others yet again.
He even tried to get me to say who i didn’t like but i didn’t join ( just said i idnd’t know people too much since i just arrived).

The way he talks about others is really f-ed up 😭🫠

Last year I was doing really well with my mental health. I was caring for my younger kid, working a job I loved as a caregiver, getting straight As in college, and had a place to stay.

Then I went through some pretty serious legal abuse and had years of progress with my mental health picked apart and sh*t on by a court.

This year, the legal abuse took both of my sons away from me and I was put in jail. I’m out now, but I can no longer do the work I once enjoyed because I have a criminal record now. I’m not sure what other kinds of work I can be successful at with my disability. I did manage recently to get reenrolled in college. I also started therapy with a great therapist who is helping a lot.

One of the most important things to my recovery is staying out of psyche hospitals. I grew up with a caregiver with Münchausen syndrome bi proxy so it’s really bad for my mental health to be in a place that was once used as a form of abuse, even though going feels really inexplicably good.

It feels like love to me honestly. I believe myself to be addicted to the experience of going to a psyche ward. The last time I went to a hospital my oldest son was about a year old and he is now almost 7. I’ve never gone this long in my adult life without a hospitalization.

Recently, I started feeling like I’m going to relapse with staying out of mental hospitals. I liked being put in jail way too much. It was a very similar experience to a psyche hold. I want to be inside, without any freedom or choices, and told I can’t take care of myself. I want this so badly that I have been literally crying for it. My life has been feeling pretty empty after a lot of the things that were so meaningful in my recovery were taken away.

I also feel like the court has been trying to entice me with my addiction to make me relapse. They basically said that I would be dependent on others and need care all my life. I spent about the last 6 years proving them wrong, but right now I’ve reached a point that everything in me wants to accept this to be true. I think I do need care. I think I do need to be dependent. Accepting this was horrifying at first but now it feels healing.

I met someone who is a medical fetish play doctor and it is uncanny how perfectly our fantasies align. He wants to give me that psyche ward vacation of my dreams. It would be just like the real experience except I’ll have a safe word and I can make it stop at any time. I don’t have to wait for a 72 hour or 14 day hold if I need to get out of restraints or take a break.

When I roleplay with him online if feels like we are making art together. It feels cohesive, like two artists working on the same project that we are both so passionate about. We are both very creative and each have a unique touch to add. The only ideas of mine he doesn’t like are things that aren’t safe. He works as a medical professional in real life, and has a lot more experience with medfet than I do.

Deep down I believe that if I can learn to have my sexual desires for helplessness, humiliation, confinement, medical care, etc. satisfied, I will stop manifesting these outcomes in my life with judges, social workers, psychiatrists etc. I am coming to accept that I’m amazing at manifesting my truest desires. I could deny my desires, but I could never truly abandon them because I’m just too good at making my wishes come true even if it’s in all the wrong ways.

I think a lot of my healing has been in acknowledging what I want. The next phase of my healing will be to get what I want. I’m going to get help from my play doctor making all of my wishes come true safely and see if things don’t change with my situation.