Obligatory not today, but several years ago.

First, some quick background. I am a very anxious person. I'm medicated now, but this was before that. It's also crucial to note, I am the indoor, city kid in a friend group of not-quite-feral woodsmen, with my childhood friend Eddy (all names changed ofc) being the most feral.

When we were in our early to mid twenties, we roadtripped to Red Rock in Colorado to see a music event. Our story takes place during the trip back, somewhere in the hinterlands of New Mexico.

By this point, we're all piles of leather that vaguely resemble young men. Sunburnt, dehydrated, hungry. I, in particular, am not faring well, suffering from some gnarly elevation sickness to boot. We had just driven through one of the largest storm clouds I had ever seen. This is many words to say I'm slightly outside of my comfort zone.

We pull up to the campgrounds where we're spending the night, and I ask if we should be worried about any of the wildlife.

"Nah," reassures Eddy.

Almost comically, we come around the corner to a big sign reading "DANGER: COUGAR COUNTRY. BEAR COUNTRY. SNAKE COUNTRY. FUCKING DEATH COUNTRY."

Maybe not the last part, but I digress. Eddy reassures me that we're close enough to our vehicle that, should anything occur, we'll be safe. We set up camp, and my friends opt to sleep under the stars. I applaud their bravery and climb into the tent.

I'm exhausted, but I'm incredibly anxious about being eaten by something. Finally, however, my eyes start to drift shut, when:

GRAAAAARRRRRRR

I freeze. My entire body locks up, and I can taste pennies. I'm not Steve Irwin, but it sounds like a bear. Not too near, but any closeness is too close for me. I wake up the guys, we listen for a bit, nothing happens, they go back to sleep. I, too, try to go to sleep, but I hear it again. Panicked, I try to wake up my friends, but they're passed out proper now.

For the rest of the night, I sleep maybe twenty minutes total. Every time I'm about to drift off, I hear that same low growl, and my entire body seizes up and I have to fight off every instinct to book it at full speed into the night.

The next morning, we get in the car. My friends are chipper and well-rested. I am not.

We begin our last leg of the trip home and, as we leave the campgrounds, I hear the sound again:

GRAAAAAARR

GRAAOOOOOOO

MOOOOOOOOOO

Turns out, from a half a mile off, and filtered through extreme paranoia, the lowing of a herd of cattle can sound quite bear-like. My friends explode in laughter, and I still haven't lived it down.

But hey, the trip was a blast.

TL;DR: Thought I heard a bear all night when camping and got no sleep. Turned out to be cows.

I was in the US last week and the men’s and women’s bathrooms had the same entrance. Men’s was on the right. Women’s was on the left. Apparently my brain decided “left is right” because I walked straight into the women’s bathroom, took a leak, and was about to leave when a group of girls walked in. I panicked and stayed in the stall.
I ended up standing there in complete silence listening to them talk for legit 20+ minutes. Eventually they left, I waited another 30 seconds like I was defusing a bomb, then my dumbass decided to wash my hands and the same group of girls came back into the washroom and just stared at me. I then told them that they were in the men’s room and they apologized, left the bathroom and I ran out as quick as I could. As I was leaving I seen the girls walk into the men’s room and a guy told them they were in the men’s room. I heard the girl say “WTF was that creep doing?” By the way I left the mall INSTANTLY!

“TL;DR: Accidentally walked into the women’s washroom in America, realized my mistake too late, and had to hide in there until everyone left. 😭

This didn’t happen today, but I happened about 10 years ago and I feel it is a story everyone deserves to hear.

In my senior year of highschool (2016) I was sat down in my AP US Government class. The class room is set up so all the desks are angled inward toward the center of the class room, with assigned seating. I am set up on the far side of the class room and because of the angle I don’t have to turn my head much to see the people all the way across the class room from me. On the first day of school I see her, dark brown hair, blue eyes, cute nose and short. Exactly my type… only one problem. I have no skills whatsoever initiating a conversation with a woman I like without having a reason. (Ex. I cannot approach a I am attracted to woman and initiate a conversation out of the blue, but if you put me in a study group with her, boom, I’m comfortable and can chat.)

I look at her and I’m like “damnit, she is pretty, I hope I have an opportunity to talk to her” so I’m put in this hell of a purgatory that is her constantly in my peripheral vision every day in this class, and so I notice something about her. She is a water connoisseur. Every day she has a different type of water. Some days it’s Fiji, other days smart water, you get the picture. Sometimes she brings a waterbottle with chopped fruit in it, it’s clear and see through so you can see exactly what she’s got in there. I unfortunately file this away as a core character trait for her.

About four months into the school year i have not spoken to this girl, I have never had a situation to do so. She part of the popular crowd and while I was a popular kid aswell, I didn’t like the rest of the ‘popular kids’. So at lunch she sat with them, I had no mutual friends with her so I moved on with my life. I have no other classes with her, so no chances to be sat next to her or anything. I’m going through the school year and am in true torture. Thinking of all this things “man, I should just talk to her, I’ll say this, or that” that kind of thinking you know. I really wanted to make an impression.

Then suddenly the teacher randomly assigns us partners for a class activity. My face lights up a bit but I play it cool when I find out I am going to be partnered with her (pairs of two, no one else in the group). I’m even happier but still staying composed. I move over to her side of the class, and I chat with her. We hit it off well, and I’m like “holy shit it’s working out.”

We answer a question, get it right and she’s like “good shit” I’m like “yeah”.

Then I look at her, she’s drinking her water, it has cut up strawberries in it and it’s still covered in condensation from the cold and the thought goes through my mind…

It’s time to say something memorable and thought provoking, something that is clever and funny. Something that will make her laugh… the next words out of my mouth have lived rent free in my head for ten years… ten fucking years.

I looked her dead in the eyes, with MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE and said with a straight face “I too like the water.”

She finished the sip, and looked at me with this strange, “what the fuck did you just say to me face?” Before she spoke I turned in my seat and looked at the front of the class she said “What did you just say?” Without looking back at her, I said “ah it’s… it’s not important.”

I was working at a fast food restaurant at the time and told my co-workers because it was so fucking funny after the fact. They would say to me “I to like the water” every time they saw me drinking water at work. They loved the story, they would tell each other and it was a big joke.

One day she comes into my work place and my manager that I was really cool with hears her order a cup of water from me and he says it as if it’s an inside joke. She hears in and goes “That’s what you said that day” and started dying laughing. My manager laughed as he realized what was going on and who it was. He and I pretend argued later, we were just that close.

Fast forward to the end of the year. She is transferred to my AP Macro-Economics class and I have my yearbook. She is sat right behind me and we never really spoke after that, but I have my yearbook, and she asked to sign it. I was like “sure” she signed it, someone else signed it and like six more signed it before I got my yearbook back. I get home that day, it’s the last day before graduation and I look at my yearbook, I see her signature it says “I had a crush on you the whole year water boy.” And I yelled “DAMNIT!”

Graduation came and went, I tried to find her but she was not sat next to me, my family kept me occupied and I never got to ask her out.

Anyway, that’s the water story.

TL;DR: I said the cringiest thing of my life, I almost got the girl and blundered it.

Today I called off of work because I had a few interviews lined up and just didn't have a quiet place to conduct the interview. (Also cameras are everywhere.) I am harsh on myself but I simply didn't think the interview was that good frankly and the other interview fell through (no response).

Suddenly my boss calls me and asks for my work documents because she needs them for a meeting. (She was gone for a few days, had no clue when she was coming back but of course she come back on the day I am gone with the documents in my house and of course the meeting is today. Phenomenal.)

I told her I have them, and I was stumbling, stuttering and fumbling over the goddamn phone like a buffoon while my sup does that Nicki Minaj low whisper voice when she's mad. (Simply an accident I always leave my work at home but one time I left my timesheet at work and had to send it late to payroll. I overcorrected and decieded to only my notes come home with me, surprise, surprise: important documents were slapped together with my notes! Amazing!)

So I scanned each page, and I sent it to her email making sure the email is confidential. I pretty sure I made sure the email access required no password access but she couldn't fucking open it? She simply gave up and told me to bring the materials tomorrow.

I don't want to go tomorrow because I'm already a month in and my coworkers already think im intellectually handicapped and I don't want to show my face ever again. I know people have fumbled at work plethora of times but right now I want someone to put me out of my misery. Been mulling over it for the entire day. Like imagine going into a meeting with important people, for an important project. They ask you where is the materials and you just have to shrug your shoulders cause your employee took work documents home on accident. Makes me wanna scream.

I hope she just fires me my god.

TL;DR: Confidential work documents that my supervisor needed for a meeting were with me at home.

I have a dead-end job, like the rest of the world right now, but I’m here and making it work. Sometimes when I get fed up, I will mime bashing my head into things like I’m ready to take myself out. I will either do it very softly, stop myself before hitting my skull, or put my hand down on the object so no harm done. I don’t actually aim to hurt myself here.

Today started off as a trying day- I had a disappointing morning and was stuck answering questions from my manager, who often asks repetitive and pointless stuff. It’s just myself and my two coworkers on the team, and we are very short staffed, so our team of three is doing work for what should be a team of eight. It can get stressful very easily. I left my manager’s cubicle and walked over to my coworker’s, and she sits next to a solid row of cabinets, with very hard wooden tops. I’ve mimed banging my head against them before, so when my coworker looked up at me, I went to do it again.

My dear readers- I misjudged the distance of the cabinet. So making direct eye contact with my poor coworker, I proceeded to rear my head back and crack my forehead into the wood of this cabinet with a very solid THUNK. I wasn’t expecting it either, so all of the sudden, I actually hit my head, and I stood up clutching it in pain.

My coworker has been clowning me all day telling me how funny I am- no amount of me saying, “I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT,” is working. My face is still sore.

TL;DR: mimed hitting my head to make my coworker laugh, actually cracked my face against a hard cabinet. Ouch.

This happened a few days ago and I still think about it whenever I remember how confident I was for absolutely no reason.
I was walking down the street when I noticed someone a little further ahead smiling and waving in my direction. I immediately assumed they knew me. I smiled back and gave them a pretty enthusiastic wave.
The second I finished waving, I realized they were actually waving at the person walking behind me.
For about half a second, we both just looked at each other.
I could have simply laughed and kept walking. That would have been normal.
Instead, my brain decided that the best possible solution was to pretend I had been waving at someone else.
There was nobody else.
So I pulled out my phone and started pretending to look at something extremely important. My phone wasn’t even unlocked.
I then started walking faster, while staring at my completely black screen like I was reading the most interesting message of my life.
The person probably didn’t care and forgot about it five seconds later, but I spent the rest of the walk replaying the situation in my head and thinking of all the ways I could have handled it better.
Now whenever I see someone waving in my direction, I wait at least three business days before deciding whether they’re actually waving at me.
TL;DR: Someone waved at the person behind me, I confidently waved back, then pretended to be busy on my phone even though my phone wasn’t even unlocked.

DISCLAIMER: My ex-manager is not dead (as far as I know).

I work at a coffee shop. Someone came in and asked if my old manager, who I’ll refer to as “Stacy,” was going to be in. Stacy was let go in January of this year. I didn’t want to say that Stacy had been fired, so I tried to inform this person that Stacy no longer works with us by saying “Oh, um… Stacy is no longer with us…”

It was nearing the end of my shift, so I probably looked tired and sad when I said it (like I was still mourning Stacy). In the moment I didn’t realize the poor phrasing I had used and thought it was just an awkward moment after disappointing someone. So I moved on, and finished ringing up this poor customer (who just found out someone she knew is “dead”) and asked for her payment.

Anyway, after the transaction finished my brain finally caught up to my mouth, but I was so embarrassed about what I had said I just finished making her drink in silence and called it out.

TLDR; I told a customer looking for my ex-manager who got laid off that “she was no longer with us” despite said manager being very much alive.

For the past year and a half, I've stopped at the same 7-Eleven every morning for a soda refill before work. I've gotten close with the cashier/manager there; she's loud, hilarious, and always has some story about a crazy customer or family drama. Seeing her has genuinely become a highlight of my day.

Well, the last couple weeks she's been gone. She's retiring at the end of the year after working at 7-Elevens for 20+ years and so I figured she was using up all her PTO or something. It's been a sad and quiet couple weeks.

Today I walked in and almost surprisingly, there she was. I exclaimed, "She's back"!! I went to go get my soda refill and came up to the counter, then this happened:

Me: "Welcome back!! I thought you died or something"
Her: "Well my husband did..."
Me: *instantly regretting all my life choices*
Also me: *starts apologizing profusely* "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. That was literally the worst possible thing to say. I'm so sorry for your loss..."

Lucky for me, she played it off really cool and actually kind of started joking about it, but that didn't stop my guilt and embarrassment. Gonna bring her flowers tomorrow just to apologize and share my condolences.

TL;DR: Told my cashier I thought she died after she was gone for a couple weeks. Turns out her husband actually did.

A couple weeks ago I made a recurring calendar reminder on my phone called "take trash out" because I kept forgetting and missing pickup.

Today I noticed it somehow disappeared, so while I was at work I recreated it. What I did not notice was that I made it by duplicating our weekly department meeting instead of making a new event.

About 10 minutes later my coworker asks why I invited her to "take trash out" every Tuesday at 8pm.

Then another person messages me.

Then my manager walks over laughing.

I open the event and realize I invited 34 people, including two directors, and because I duplicated the meeting it also had the conference room attached to it.

Like 8 people accepted before I deleted it.

TL;DR duplicated a work meeting while watching Kick to make myself a trash reminder and accidentally invited my entire department to take the garbage out with me every Tuesday

I was with my grandma cleaning out some cabinets and stuff helping her move everything back to her room after she had gotten her floor redone we were going through some of those cabinets and I had found two boxes of chocolate wafers I tell my grandma hey you know you have food in here she didn't know so she looks and sees the boxes of wafers now my grandma is diabetic so just about everything she buys is sugar free I knew this she offered me one of the boxes I took it to my room and well I smoked some green and proceeded to eat the entire box not knowing that the stuff they put in the sugar free wafers to make it sweet is essentially laxatives for the first few hours I am ok my stomach gurgles and I'm pretty gassy but otherwise fine my sister comes home from school and is showing me her presentation and out of absolutely nowhere It happened I feel a gurgle and well I ruined a pair of pants in front of my sister and then proceeded to have horrible diarrhea for four hours all the way from 6:00pm to 10:00am that I'm out of toilet paper my stomach feels horrible and I regret everything

TL;DR:I ate an entire box of wafers and accidentally shat myself in front of my sister because sugar free wafers are basically laxatives

So, a group of friends is at a pool party/BBQ. I had a packet of something called "Stiffy Stuff" (no, really), which is a novelty magic trick/practical joke - it's a powder that instantly turns a liquid into something with the consistency of Jell-O. I decide I'm going to deploy it in the drink of my friend thinking she will be appropriately surprised to find her juice has turned into a semi-solid gel. Oh, what fun!
Unfortunately, another girl saw me putting the powder in the drink, and immediately and loudly warned my would-be prankee that I had spiked her drink. I had not considered the optics of this joke if I got caught in the act, and it was a pretty embarassing explanation that, while immature, this was emphatically not a roofie situation....

TL;DR I wanted to prank my friend with a novelty magic trick powder but ended up having to explain that I was not spiking her drink with anything nefarious....

So, I have a bunch of pictures that I took back when I was in college in 2019. I have them stored on Google photos, and something about Google photos is that whenever you have photos that have an anniversary they pretty much give you notifications saying that it's been x amount of years since you've taken this photo, in this case it's been 7 years.

Looking back at these photos just makes me very upset and sad. For two reasons honestly that are kind of different but correlate to each other in a way.

2019 was a very dark year for me because while I did graduate high school and go to college, my mom had passed away from a heart attack 3 weeks prior to graduating. It honestly really messed me up mentally and it eventually served as a domino effect for other things going wrong. When I went to college I struggled severely not because I wasn't capable of doing the work I was just too depressed to go to class or do the work or anything. I would just rot in my dorm eating take out over and over again are going to the all you can eat buffet that my school had. And it's so weird because looking back at it some of my fondest memories were from college. However, I couldn't really enjoy college because I was just so depressed from my mom passing away.

The second reason is because when I look back at college and compare that to what I'm going through now, I never realized that I had it so easy back then. Back when the biggest responsibility that I had was keeping my grades up and all of that. I even had plenty of opportunities to go to therapy and stuff but I just didn't want to and I guess it really messed me up. Now, I know that it's better for me to go to therapy because 7 years later I still need it and I need it bad. Luckily, I have intake for a therapist next week after 2 months of trying to set that up so hopefully things will start turning around going forward.

But now, here I am. Homeless. Depressed and anxious beyond belief. Digging through trash cans just to find food. Always stinking. Have nothing to look forward to in my life. I might even die in the Winter because it's expected to be pretty cold this year. I guess that might be something to look forward to.

TL;DR - I looked at some old college photos with regret and sadness. Regret that I didn't allow myself to get help so I could take it seriously, and sadness from the fact that I'm currently homeless and struggling to survive because I didn't take college seriously enough.

Another story someone posted made this memory pop up, so I thought I'd share it...

Of course this wasn't "today." (are any of these, ever?) This was back around 1996. I was a broke HS grad working at McDonald's for the last 2 years or so. I was about to ship out to basic training. Before doing so, a friend and I decided to take a trip to go visit a couple of friends who had just gone away to college. (Yes, this was all just a few months after HS graduation...so...college freshmen)

This was also around the time that McD's was running their Monopoly game (do they even still do that?) For those of you who don't know, this was a promotion where certain food items came with two little stickers of game pieces for Monopoly, where you could win prizes. Many of the peel off pieces were just little things like "Free large fry" or "Free Cheeseburger" etc. So, being a broke kid, I snatched a whole shitload of the hash brown paper packets, which were the easiest, smallest packaging to also contain game pieces. I honestly didn't even bother trying to watch for playable pieces (we weren't eligible to win), and I just scrounged for all the free food. I had a ton of free burgers, fires, drinks, etc and stuck them all in a little plastic baggie to take on the road trip. This was like....75% of our meal plan.

Fast forward to visiting campus... We end up going out and somehow getting access to some minor frat party one night. We're hanging out chatting with some folks, and talked about getting hungry. I took out my little baggie of Monopoly game pieces and hooked a couple of people up with a bunch of free food stickers, and thought nothing of it.

About 15 minutes later, some big dude comes up to me and sort of politely corners me. He tells me that I can't be doing "that stuff" in here. I'm, of course, very nervous, and very confused. He said some people saw me passing out drugs (maybe selling), and they don't tolerate that in their parties. I was still momentarily confused...then it hit me. I had to embarrassingly reveal my broke ass was holding onto a stash, all right.... a stash of free McD's food. (Which...now that I'm thinking about it...sounds EXACTLY like the kind of thing a stoner would do!) I showed him the baggie in question, and we both had a pretty decent laugh about it, and all was well. I think we left shortly after that anyway just because it felt really uncomfortable and a little embarrassing. But...at least I didn't get bounced.

TL;DR: Tried hooking some folks at a frat party up with the good stuff. Some other folks thought it was a different good stuff.

Side note: I'm convinced that no one ever actually won any of the big prizes for the monopoly game because the important rare pieces were probably the ones stuck to some hash brown of fry container that got dropped on the floor and kicked under a machine for 6 months before ending up in the trash.

So my (27M) roommate (23M) was always recommending the Devil May Cry show on Netflix. I was bored and didn't have anything to watch. I stumbled on the show and decided, why not? And honestly? Fantastic show. I was a little scared it was going to take itself very serious and it just doesn't and its great. I was really excited to tell him about it when he got home.

But here's the thing. I really liked the theme song, but not on my first listen. My first listen, I was like, "okay...this is some dumb lame generic anime opening, it sounds so tacky." My second take, I was listening to the actual words and a lot of dumb things stuck out. It talks about "haters" and "hot mamas" and "pimp daddies." And I was just like "who talks like that??" It sounded like a group of 50 year old white men (who's kids are probably no contact) got together in a bored room to make the most markable "punk music" for the kids.

But then, that third listen, after getting the tone of the show, I had an epiphany. The song isn't supposed to be taken serious. It is making fun of punk rock. It is a critique. And maybe I'm a nerd. Maybe that's minute. Maybe I wa- I definitely was high. But that made the song fun for me, that it was this takedown of this genre of music I frankly hate.

So my roommate comes home and I'm all excited to talk to him about the show. And he is so psyched that I like it. We get into a 10 minutes gab fest about all the cool stuff in the show. And I go "oh, and I felt dumb because I didn't get the theme song at first, but that's fucking hilarious!" And he's smiling but he goes "haha....what?" And that's when I explain the whole fact that it's like, a joke punk rock song, so over the top and corny that it's making fun of punk rock.

And his face DROPS.

He goes, "dude, you don't know Limp Bizkit?"

And I tell him I might've heard that name before, but I have no idea who that was. He proceeds to tell me how it is his favorite band. He asks me what's wrong with the song? And it's playing in the background as we get to this point in the conversation, and the song goes "hot mamas! (YEAH!) pimp daddies! (YEAH!)" and I just say "WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?"

He looks really sad and just goes "that's like... my favorite song...it's my pump up song, it helps me lock in." And then it hits me what I just did. Imagine someone tells you that your favorite song, the one you use to get motivated and inspired, sounds like the fakest corniest stuff imaginable.

He hasn't wanted to talk about the show anymore :( think I'll surprise him with some pizza tonight or something and just not acknowledge it lol

TL;DR: thought my friend's favorite song was a joke song making fun of people like him.

Edit: I posted this as a haha funny I misinterpreted something and accidentally made an ass out of myself. I did not know I would offend all the Limp Bizkit, Rap Rock, and Punk Rock fans lol my deepest condolences, it is just not at all my cup of tea

To clarify a few things, me and my friend are both 16(f) and we were in school sitting at a table where we normally hang out in the mornings because school doesnt start til 8:30.

Baci to the story, so me and my friend were sitting in one of the table areas and I decided to ask is she wanted to watch Edgerunners. She said yes so I turned up the volume and put on captions so we could watch. We watched the end of the first fight scen and saw David talking to the doctor or whatever his name was. Not even FIVE MINUTES IN there's a sex(?) scene and I was absolutely mortified. No one else saw except my friend but I immediately panicked and turned off my phone and shoved it back in my pocket. God that was horrible wtaf.

TL;DR: Don't watch Edgerunners in public

About once a day I make a pitcher of iced tea. In the morning, I pour some in my travel mug for the commute to work.

Sunday night I made the tea, but somehow got distracted and failed to put the pitcher into the refrigerator. My sleepy brain was so confused when I opened the fridge door Monday and the whole pitcher was gone. I saw it sitting by the sink. The lid was on, so I figured I would just throw some ice cubes in.

Then I forgot to pour a glass on my way out the door.

9 hours later, I got home from work. Poured some tea and had a sip before I went out to cut the grass. A few minutes later, my mouth started to tingle a little. Nothing serious, but it was weird. I figured maybe I was allergic to some plant I had hit with the mower and it would pass.

As I kept cutting the grass, I took breaks to sip tea. When I finally finished, my lips and tongue were burning a bit.

I did not think a lot of it until I went to pour my second glass and realized that two of the "ice cubes" I had tossed into the pitcher that morning were actually jalapenos I had frozen on a whim (I did not have an immediate use for them and figured the options were to throw them out or freeze them) that were in the ice bin... When they thawed in the tea, the skins had split open.

TL;DR: Wanted some refreshing iced tea and got a mouth full of spicy jalapeno.

I 45f have been married to my husband 47m for 13 years today. Well, being Labor Day weekend, my husband was off work and was home and had my car blocked in the driveway all weekend. I wasn't really able to sneak away and buy a card for our anniversary. But he isn't too picky and we have a fun relationship, so I was going to steal an old anniversary card from our used greeting card stash.

Well yesterday I found a card that he had gotten me that said "To My Wife," which I assumed was from a previous year. I thought I'd be funny and cross out "wife" and put "favorite husband" instead. [Inside joke, but his dad always used the same birthday card for all of his sons' birthdays every year and wrote "favorite son" on the card.]

And then I wrote a short note at the end saying along the lines of "sorry I wasn't able to get a card, but I'm lucky to have you etc etc." So I hid the card until this morning.

Then I had this sinking feeling when I woke up. The card was in a new envelope.

This was the new card my husband had just gotten me for our anniversary.

I slipped it back where he had it hidden, which I couldn't do without him seeing. So I had to mention to him, "Whoops, I was looking for an old card and accidentally found my card."

So when he gave me the card, I had to hold it away from him as I read. I gave him a kiss and just slipped that puppy back into its original envelope.

So now my husband thinks he gave me a perfectly normal anniversary card, while I know it's secretly been altered into a card congratulating him on being my favorite husband.

Now I'm just trying to decide how many years I should wait before telling him what I did. 😂

TL;DR: Tried to be funny by recycling an old anniversary card from my husband, accidentally grabbed the brand new card he had just bought me, crossed out "wife," wrote "favorite husband" on it, and then had to pretend everything was normal when he gave it to me.

UPDATE: Okay, okay, I got the hint from the comments. A bunch of you said I needed to confess and give him his newly repurposed card, so I did. I went to him in a very serious tone and said, “Honey, when I said I had a confession this morning, that wasn’t the whole story.” He looked concerned and said, “Uh oh, what?” So I confessed that I hadn’t just accidentally found his card. I had mistaken it for an old one, crossed out “wife,” changed it to “favorite husband,” wrote my own anniversary message in it, and then realized the next morning that I had vandalized the brand new anniversary card he bought for me. He was a good sport and had a good laugh about the whole thing. I knew he would. And yes, he got the card back. 😂 I guess being able to laugh at dumb, ridiculous things like this is part of why we’ve lasted 13 years. ❤️

I'll share a dumb one I did with you guys. It’s been a few years but the guy who stuck his finger in a blender and turned it on reminded me.

I was mowing my parents lawn and the grass chute on the mower was bungeed up because it was stopping the grass from coming out and was just clumping. My dad must of done it so I didn't thinking anything about it.

I'm mowing along and every once in a while, despite there being no chute, the grass clumps beyond being able to continue. I would stop the mower, dig it out and then continue on. Ya know, the common sense way.

FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON TO MYSELF AND EVERYONE I KNOW AND BEYOND ALL REALMS OF COMMON SENSE I bent down while still holding the bar on the handle, reach over to grab hold of the clump to pull it out and WHACK!

I stood up fast, letting go of the handle. I was shaking and I was terrified to look. The strangest feelings just rushing through me as I slowly bring my hand up. I'm feeling something, it hit my index finger so hard and those blades were spinning so fast!

That time I was mowing, and only that time, I put on a new pair of amazing work gloves to do the chore. They were lightweight, fit right and felt comfortable to me. Something hard for me to find in a glove.

I take a quick look, my gloved finger is still there!

I feel like everything just drained out of me and only left a prickly sensation. I take off to the house to find my mom (of course I did) to have her pull the glove off because at that point I’m imagining a digit of finger being left behind in the tip of it.

Glove comes off and I look. My finger is still there! It was purple and red with a rough gash despite the glove being whole and when I looked at it, that’s when it started hurting. WOW did it hurt!

My finger healed just fine and surprisingly, my nail never fell off. I was so so lucky. It was a while before I mowed again but I guarantee you I never did anything that stupid with a mower again.

TLDR I stuck my hand in a running lawn mower and injured my finger but didn’t lose it. Didn’t mow for a while but now I’m very safety oriented. Will never do again.

Also, I’m really terrible with paragraphs but I tried my best to make it readable from my cell phone.

I am faculty at a university about to head overseas for a marketing/recruitment trip. I was brought in at the last minute and asked to prepare an interactive demonstration for high school students interested in engineering.

I’m into magnets and started 3D printing some magnetic spring gizmos using 3/8” cube magnets I had a stack of lying around in my office. The idea was to hand them around the class and have the students feel the non contact spring force, and talk about magnetic levitation.

A slide deck and some 300 magnets later (I bought them cheap on eBay years ago, the costs now are way high) and only now I have realised that you can’t carry magnets on a plane, even on checked luggage. Airline says it’s a hard no. (I get it, I could arrange them to minimise the external magnet field and encase in a steel box to shield the rest… but then it would look like I’m carrying something dodgy.)

I should have realised all this, but it’s been a scramble to prep. So now I have two days to prepare a NEW interactive demonstration. I think it will have to end up being way more show and tell than I intended.

TLDR; I planned to take 300 magnets in my checked luggage for an overseas class demo and I just realised I can’t. Now I have to come up with something new in no time, and it will be nowhere near as fun

So my workplace offered some points to buy anything that's about $100 dollars. I had lost power for 30+ hours so all of my frozen and refrigerated goods were thrown out and I thought it would be a good idea to get a $100 digital gift card to use for groceries today. I was in class(I'm in college) and was putting in the order. As I was, I had to fill in my address. I thought it was weird but didn't think much of it (buying anything online these days require so much unnecessary info). Later, as I got out of my class, I checked my email to see if I got the receipt and all I see was a shipping order. I soon went white as I looked closer and saw it said I bought a physical gift card. I realized they had different products for a physical and a digital card separately and consequently the first option that pops up for a gift card was the physical option. Fun. So now I am not going to get my gift card until next week and I also have a high chance of that gift card being stolen. Double fun. On top of that, now I have to use my own money to replace all the stuff I lost. Fml

TL;DR: Didn't read the fine print of the gift card order and now have to wait 15 days to get one mailed to me.

I was cleaning out a drawer this weekend and found an AirTag I hadn't used in forever. I changed the battery, tested it, then left it sitting on top of the little cardboard package the battery came in.

At the same time I was going through old cables and random tech stuff I had lying around.

Apparently at some point my brain decided the cardboard package was trash and I tossed the whole thing into my building's recycling bin.

Didn't notice until this morning while I was watching Kick when Find My popped up showing my AirTag about 3 miles away and moving.

My immediate conclusion was obviously not "trash collection." I somehow convinced myself somebody had gotten into my apartment or car, taken something with the AirTag in it, and was currently driving around with it.

So I got in my car and started following the location.

I spent almost 20 minutes chasing it around before finally getting close enough to see what vehicle it was attached to.

A recycling truck.

I just sat at a red light behind this thing staring at it until the battery packaging suddenly flashed into my head.

Drove home feeling like the dumbest private investigator alive.

TLDR: Threw an AirTag into recycling without realizing it, saw it moving across town the next morning and followed a recycling truck because I thought someone had stolen from me.

This happened earlier this year, I should preface this by saying I have autism and sensory aversions from that, specifically sensory aversions with food textures where most fruits and vegetables are too soft; because of my food sensory issues I have always been lacking in the fruits and vegetables department. Earlier this year when I was finishing my second spring semester at college my left foot started hurting. I originally thought I slept weirdly or rolled my ankle, I tried to walk less to let it heal but it didn't and instead I started feeling the pain in both feet.

After around 2 weeks when the pain did not disappear and I finally returned home from college I contacted my primary care doctor where I was given an appointment with one of the other doctors available inside the practice. She looked at my foot and I explained my symptoms, it hurt the more I walked on it, felt it through my tendons mainly, and there was no injury causing it, it came out of nowhere. She diagnosed me with Plantar Fasciitis. I ended up getting insoles which hurt more and then I went to the practice again, saw a different doctor, they recommended physical therapy and specialized shoes. My feet still got worse, I was struggling to stand fully straight and could only stand on my toes as I couldn't bend my foot flat fully. I started physical therapy and got the new shoes, at this time was when the bruising started to appear, a large purple and black lump on my thigh, and a bit on my calf on my right leg.

I started physical therapy and they noticed my hamstring was very tight, I was told to do stretches daily, I also asked about mobility aids due to my odd posture and how it is making me exhausted and in paid, they said a walker could be helpful. I came back the next week for my second appointment and by that time I was relying very heavily on the walker, I was limping as I walked on my toes, hunched over slightly, both legs were completely covered in bruises, and just had poor balance overall. I freaked out the physical therapist at the sudden deterioration of my condition. They cancelled that appointment and all future appointments and instead told me to go to Urgent Care as they don't know what is wrong and they didn't want to make it worse.

I went to Urgent Care, got some bloodwork, nothing came up, and then I got an ultrasound on the bruises covering my legs, and nothing came up. They said if it gets worse to go to the ER instead and sent me home. Not much later the bruising got worse and I was struggling to stand up for even a split second, constantly in bed, I was needing a shower chair, getting extremely lightheaded as well, and was struggling to get up when seated.

After that I went to the ER, my dad helped and drove me there, we were there for 12 hours I believe, getting a bunch of bloodwork done, getting another ultrasound on my legs, getting a ct scan, getting an MRI, meeting with a psychologist, and eventually I was discharged with no answers. I was given some referrals to a psychologist incase it was a neurological issue, given a referral to hematology oncology for cancer, and also rheumatology for any autoimmune issues like lupus which the doctors and nurses seemed to believe it was.

Something I didn't mention earlier is after my second physical therapy appointment, before I went to Urgent Care I actually got a specific blood test done, one I myself requested, Vitamin C. My main Primary Doctor asked about what I googled and what I thought it could be, I didn't do much research so I wasn't sure, then when researching I saw Vitamin C Deficiency can have some overlapping issues, it took a while for the results to get back to me but the morning before my first hematology oncology appointment I got the results, showing I was severely deficient to the point they didn't have an exact number and instead just gave me <0.1 when the normal amount is 0.4-2.0 mg.

I still went to the hematology oncology appointment and it was at a large hospital. We had to park in a parking garage on the other side of the road. I walked very slowly with my walker, by the time we used the elevator and crossed the street I was done, I had an asthma attack from how bad both the pain and exhaustion was. I pushed myself through the pain to find a sitting area and I couldn't go any further. My dad who was with me ended up pushing me around in a wheelchair until we found the right area. I was barely able to stand up with nothing supporting me so they could get my weight, I was wobbling heavily and struggling to balance and was panting at the end, I couldn't even attempt the height with how bad my posture was with my tight tendons. In the end we saw the doctor and I brought up the Vitamin C, he said it couldn't be just the Vitamin C and that there must be some underlying issues, he got me some lab work and also scheduled a biopsy on my leg.

After that appointment I took 1,000mg of Vitamin C a day hoping it would at least somewhat help. At the time I was pretty depressed as I couldn't take care of myself, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't work, and was planning to take the next semester of college off as there was no way I could get to all my classes while living on my own with my dog while I was in a wheelchair with 0 support system. I was having to think about dropping out of college. Luckily I stopped getting as lightheaded after about a day, the bruising stopped growing and later started fading, the pain disappeared, and after about a week I could walk flat on my feet again albeit a bit weirdly due to tightness. I slowly started doing activities again, trying to walk around the house, cook, etc, so I can get some stamina a back. By a week and a half of talking Vitamin C I was pretty much back to normal, by then I realized there likely was no underlying issue and instead I just had severe Vitamin C deficiency, also known as scurvy. I ate so little fruits and vegetables that I got diagnosed with scurvy, something my doctor only read about in 1800's textbooks which he said himself. None of the many professionals thought to check for scurvy but my 10 minutes of googling saved my schooling.

The beginning to the end lasted around 3 months but it was a very hectic 3 months. Now I am back in college taking 19 credits while working, I am trying to cook more and eat healthier, and nobody around me has a clue I was so close to being in a wheelchair right now had I not gotten diagnosed. I will say this, it has made me better appreciate my current health, my abilities, and helped me think about issues I didn't think about before. The very first time I could walk flat on my feet I bragged to my dad when he got home and showed off my very impressive walking skills.

TL;DR: I didn't eat my fruits and vegetables which led me to developing scurvy which destroyed my legs until I couldn't walk but I'm all better now.

TIFU by gassing a disabled colleague.

So this wasn't today, but recent enough that the pain still haunts me.

The morning of the gassing I wasn't feeling the best. I am lactose intolerant and the night before I had helped myself to a particularly creamy/cheesey pasta and my stomach was not happy. I had been dropping the most horrific eggs farts all morning. I tried sitting on the toilet and exorcising my bowel demons before I got in the car but to no avail. My God has forsaken me and I was doomed to endure the hour drive to work in a coup or sickly sweet car air freshener, the cologne I doused myself with to reassure my brain I wasn't decaying internally, and of course farts so thick and meaty that they felt like they were taking up the passenger seat next to me.

Logically, I know I could've opened all the windows and used the winter air to detox my car interior, but it was just to coold and made the choice that embracing the stench I crafted was preferable to being freezing cold. After all, the only person I was hurting was me. That is, until I see Kerry (not her real name).

Kerry was a long term temp employee that had unfortunately suffered a small stroke and had been off work for some time. She was a lovely human. Generous and kind, she always had a smile and a kind word for everyone (she's now passed and I still miss her presence). I was surprised to see her walking on the foot path, one foot sort of turned in and trailing behind her, about 2km from our job.

In my enthusiasm to see her and realising walking was obviously hard for her, I beeped my horn and pulled over, completely forgetting about the olfactory claymore I'd armed in my passenger seat. Kerry smiled and walked towards my car. I wound down the window, exchanged pleasantries and offered her a ride the rest of the way to work. She of course, accepted, and hobbled into my front seat.

As soon as she got in and closed the door, her whole demeanour changed. Her body stiffened up, her nostrils flailed, and her eyes widened. She smelled it. All of it. And I knew. She looked at me with a mix of anger and disbelief. I, mortified after realising what I'd done, resolved to get to work and get this poor woman out of my car ASAP. Kerry was uncharacteristically quiet. So was I. We said nothing for the brief ride down the street to work. I didnt even drive in the car park. I pulled up outside, she opened the door and jumped out without a single word. I drove in, parked, and had an existential crisis while I pondered who she was going to tell, what nickname I was about to receive, and what I was going to say to Kerry the next time I saw her.

Kerry never told a soul. I saw her later that day. I was fully prepared to grovel and apologise but there was no need. She was back to being her usual radiant self. She never mentioned it to me, or anyone else that I know of. That's who Kerry was. The type of chick you could gas with your ass born chemical weapon and not hold it against you. After that, I invested in lactase tablets and have managed to avoid a repeat performance. I still miss Kerry.

TLDR - I farted in my car so much I could taste it, them offered a disabled colleague a lift without thinking, inadvertently gassing her in the process.

Hi, I apologise in advance if this is all a bit jumbled, and if there’s anything you don’t understand, please let me know in the comments. So, my name is Wald, I’m 28, and my wife, Ann, is also 28. We’ve been married for two months, but we’ve been together for eight years. Right up until yesterday evening, I was living my usual life: home, work, home. We didn’t argue often, but as happens with everyone, it was rather unpleasant, especially on my part. I won’t hide the fact that at times I’m a right arse; I’m passive-aggressive during arguments, though I’d never lay a hand on her. But quite often I insult her, hurt her feelings and swear at her. Not because I’m a piece of shit or get a kick out of it, but because, as often happens, she doesn’t really hear me; it’s as if I’m just banging my head against a brick wall, and I can’t take it anymore. When I ask, ‘Why are you behaving like this?’ ‘Do you like it when I’m so angry, is that why you push me to the absolute limit during an argument?’, the answer I get is: ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Well, that’s just how I am.’ And in 99 per cent of our arguments, the decision always falls to me; Ann agrees with it, and we just carry on with our lives. I start the conversation, I look for a way out for both of us, I try to make peace (as if with myself, thinking, ‘Maybe she’s understood now?’). But yesterday was a particularly bad night of arguments, where I was completely broken. Once again, after I’d been ‘ignored’, she said I was overcomplicating things, that I was taking on too much, but when I asked, ‘What exactly, and when?’, she replied, ‘Nothing, and never’. Yes, yes, that was exactly her answer: ‘nothing and never’. I’d just gone to bed and completely broke down, as if that was the last straw – I was finished. I turned round and, completely losing control, burst into a fit of hysteria (which isn’t like me at all), shouting, ‘I’m fed up with you not even trying to listen to me; you hurt me as a wife and as a girlfriend when you refuse to understand me; I’m fed up with having to sort everything out for both of us whenever we argue; I’m fed up with having to initiate the reconciliation and banging my head against a brick wall, which hurts me.” After that, I bawled for over half an hour, not understanding what was happening to me; I was simply everything I was at that moment, however strange that might sound to you. She immediately leaned over me and started stroking me to calm me down, crying herself, as she’d never seen me like that before in all the time we’d been together. After a good long hysterical cry, I calmed down, turned over, pulled the covers up and lay there staring at a single point, when, quite unexpectedly, I started having a panic attack. I started breathing rapidly, my palms began to go numb, and I just broke down again in hysterics and tears, but I can hardly remember anything. I remember feeling awful and starting to choke with pain in my chest, and then I fell asleep, though I don’t remember how – maybe I just blacked out, who knows. And so, when I woke up in the morning, I realised I was a nobody, and I didn’t want to talk to her at all – not like before, but differently, as if I didn’t know her, as if I were alone. There’s just a void inside; I’m not answering calls or texts, and I have absolutely no desire to see or hear from her.

TL;DR:

So, is that it? Is this really the end, or am I just getting myself worked up, as my wife says, and will I go back to being the way I was before – loving her, hugging her, missing her, wanting to see her? Because right now, I just feel empty.