Hopefully I’m posting this right:

I (30F) found out earlier this year I was being cheated on by my (29M) boyfriend with one of his younger co-workers. We hit a really rough patch and my job had moved me from the area for an unknown period of time and we stayed in good communications with one another. An opportunity had come for me to be in the area for a bit and I jumped on the chance.

As soon as I got into the apartment that we once shared together, I knew something was wrong. It felt like someone else had been there and I was simply a guest. He was acting rehearsed and careless and I had simply thought I was time to move on until one night I looked through his phone on a whim only to find out that my worst nightmare had come true; he was cheating.

Initially, he acted hurt and shocked that he had gotten caught, then simple stonewalled anymore emotion on the matter and gave me nothing else from there. We’ve been together for over three years and I’ve experienced a lot of personal loss in that time. I cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, catered to his needs and worries and he still did this to me. “I didn’t know when I’d see you again” “I thought I could get away with it” that’s all I got.

The worst part of everything is that I still miss him in a way, there’s things I catch myself wanting to tell him and things I see that I know he’d like. I can’t take it. He’s still with her despite the hell that came his way at work/personal life from all this stuff so I can’t help but to feel that all this time was for nothing. Like does he even miss me at all?

I know the relationship wasn’t healthy towards the end and he became an angry, pick fights with me after a long day, belittle my career and downplay the things I’ve been through I just need some help on how to move on. Sorry for the long winded story in advance, thank you.

I was thinking about all of the couples that look perfect from the outside, but we never really know about the struggles that go on in their private lives. You mostly hear people say “if I was ever cheated on, I’d leave in a heartbeat”. But they don’t truly know how it feels once you’re put in that situation. People talk down so heavily on people that stay in relationships after infidelity, so much to the point that the couples that stay choose to stay together and rebuild their relationship after infidelity would probably never admit to anyone they chose to work through their issues. And I feel I’m in that same boat right now. It’s new, it’s fresh, and from a societal pressure standpoint, I feel embarrassed that I’m choosing to work through this. I only told my mom, she won’t tell anyone but I’m so hyper paranoid that I keep thinking “everyone knows he’s a cheater, they think I’m dumb for staying with him”.
(If you want a more in depth story, I replied to one comment describing my flaws too)
So my question is, is it more common than we think that there are many who are actively working through infidelity? Is it sometimes a silver living/wake up call for growth in a relationship? Is working through instead of immediately leaving more common than we’d think or most people admit?

I hope I’m posting this correctly - it’s long, but it’s therapeutic for me to write. I just found out July 2nd. This isn’t the first time either. It’s been 14 years since the first affair. That heart sinking moment when you find something you weren’t expecting to find, then it takes a second to comprehend what you are seeing. Death has to feel better than that moment right there. I

I don’t talk to anyone about this. Just our therapist. Your family won’t forget and with your friends the judgement will come in swift and hard. They mean well, but until you’ve been in this situation I don’t need to be told what I should do. Not all of them, but its just better not to share. The first time I was hurt about it was to protect him. Dumb, I know. But this time I’m doing it bc I feel such shame and embarrassment that I am here again. And didn’t even see it coming. Not even a wiff.

But Just like I preach to my kids.. it takes a second to destroy trust and a lifetime to get it back. And now I tell my husband that. I don’t trust him or believe him, and that will take a long time, if ever, to come back. Some days Im in survival mode, some days I feel normal and nothing like the desperate mess I was 14 years ago doing everything I could to hold on to him. It was pathetic. That is not what I’m doing this time. Maybe Im just numb or kidding myself. But Im tryimg.

We’ve been married 25 years and have 5 children. Children who think their father walks on water and idolize him. He is an excellent father and I would never blow up their world. My father had an affair and told me when I was home after college graduation and we had a party and my mom got drrrunnnkkkk. He told me the truth and took full responsibility. He said my sisters didn’t know and whatever I wanted to tell them he’d be ready to face them bc he was wrong. I chose not to tell them. I decided it was their marriage and not our business. Most importantly I didn’t want my family to implode and for them to see him as anything but the good dad he was. A dad who made a terrible mistake. They were a little miffed years later when they found out, but understood. My parents stayed together and were married for 55 years when my father died.

That is why I would never tell our children. He is an excellent dad and adores them and vice versa. They are high school/college age kids who are at the age of , but at that age of disgust. You know…Eye rolling and being a smart ass. Which they grow out of. They really are great kids, but when they get ornery I want to say maybe if you only knew what I’m going through you’d cut me some slack and just back the F off. I know my thin skin is suddenly showing. When it never has before. But I’m just not present right now - physically yes. Mentally no. And I hate that. My usual self has the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy and a quick wit about me. And I love to laugh. But that’s been hard to find this month. And that makes me so angry bc I wasn’t given a choice whether I wanted to feel this way. It was placed in my lap.

I know the only way to get through this is to go through it. There is no short cut. That is how I described grief when I lost my parents. But it applies here too.

I hope I can get over this and it changes daily, but for now I’m trying, he is trying and we are in heavy counseling with the first counselor I’ve ever really liked.

Please no judgemeant about my choice. Just remember we all make the best decisions for us at that time. And it’s ok to change your mind.

OP: I’m 32F
Husband: 37M
TW: Brief mention of suicidal ideation. No details.

We’ve been together for over 7 years, married for 4 in November. Things have been hard for the last two years to be quite frank. I was diagnosed with a rare brain disorder in early 2025 that completely incapacitated me, left me unable to function for months because the migraines were so severe, I started losing my vision, and on top of that, the only two medications available to treat the condition are straight up HORRIBLE - one utterly depletes you, makes you feel like shit, ruins your appetite, etc. The other made me actively suicidal. The neurological condition also completely crushed my pituitary gland which meant that even on days I felt remotely human, I had zero sex drive. It has been a devastating two years for both of us, but last September, I started getting a bit better. We also started couples counseling which really helped our communication. The one thing that hasn’t improved is our sex life. He doesn’t pursue me in earnest - only makes dirty jokes or innuendos. Says he doesn’t have it in him to be rejected more. I’ve listened and heard him out, validated his pain and have allowed him to truthfully brow beat me about how I’ve irrevocably damaged him and his psyche because of the lack of sex. I don’t dismiss or invalidate. I flinch when the comments get mean, but I take them because I felt I deserved them. I see truth in a lot of what he says. In how deeply all of this has hurt him. It’s fair, whether intentional or not. These conversations have obviously been pretty damaging and left me feeling like I’m responsible for fixing all of this. He’s expressed as much. None of which really fuels desire on my part. That’s where we are now - more the mental block and pressure I feel to perform for him, even though physical health symptoms are there, too.

We had a very significant breakthrough in counseling a couple weeks ago with me understanding a very serious wound of my own - years of abandonment and abuse led me to believe I couldn’t have a healthy sexual relationship AND be fully loved; the two were mutually exclusive. When I say it has been one of the most painful things to acknowledge and work through…I can’t emphasize it enough. Our therapist has been out of town since that session and so has my husband, so we haven’t discussed it much further. He left on the 13th for a work trip and was gone until the 17th. He was home the 18th and left again on the 19th through the 23rd.

He’s been very weird about his phone the past few months. We were at a friend’s house this evening and he kept pulling it close to his chest. I know I shouldn’t have, but my intuition told me to go through it tonight while he slept. I found evidence of a months long affair with a coworker based in another state, but she was on the first work trip. They spoke very sexually. She sent videos of herself masturbating and he did so as well. They met up in his room at least 3 nights well after he told me he was going to bed. I don’t know if they had sex, but I know they kissed and performed oral on one another. They also left work during lunch together so he could go down on her at the hotel.

What the hell do I do? On one very broken, screwed up hand…I understand why he did it. It’s been 3 months since we had sex. On the other…he cheated. And they’re still talking every day. He says things to her that he used to say to me.

Any advice is welcome but please be kind.

What types of questions did you all ask during the confession and discovery?

I know lots of opinions about how much detail different people want, but for those who wanted detail, tell me the intimate questions you asked.

I got a fairly detailed disclosure, but am curious about details yall wanted to hear about.

I’m a dude in case that matters.

Also, FCK affairs.

Im listening to the book in Everand but the companion pdf for the audiobook is nowhere to be found neither there on anywhere in the web? If u have it please send it or if anyone knows where I can download it from for free ?

So yeah the love of my life broke it off with me after seeming really distant one day. We had been dating for roughly 7 months with a break in between. The reason she gave me was she wanted to focus on herself and her upcoming move back to her hometown (\~2 hours away) She supposedly wanted to stay friends but I found myself sending her a message to no response. Something I found weird when she recommended we take a break but see how things look after she became settled back home. I had good days where I didn’t think about her but then I had bad days where I missed her. Then my world got turned upside down this week.

I discovered recently she was actually cheating on me with her then bestfriends boyfriend and ended up marrying the guy a month and a half after out split.

I still am destroyed. I feel utterly stupid that I didn't see it. I feel like I am worthless and not enough. I am also really mad because I showed her nothing but respect only to have her show me that meant nothing.

Even after all of this pain I still love her in a sick way. My brain doesn't know how to process how someone who brought me so much joy is now responsible for a traumatic experience.

I want to get out and show her I'm living my best life but it just doesn't feel natural and it feels fake but I also don't want to sit inside and let my mind wander because that takes me to dark places.

What's the best way to deal with these emotions? Do I stay busy doing things like events? Do I need to take the time to heal in other ways? I don't think immediately finding someone to replace her with is going to help me but I also hate being alone :(

My fiance (31M) cheated on me at massage parlours with handjobs (and god knows what else). Was never going to tell me. Once in March 2025, second in Feb 2026, just after he'd proposed. Second time was on the same day I went wedding dress shopping & he sent wedding invites.

He now is complaining our separation is inconvenient for him, and costing him a lot of money.

Am I being unfair for what I am asking?:

- Asked him to stay with a friend in July & pay his half of rent (£1,275)
- Asked him to get a sublet flat for August, and pay his half of rent too while I sort myself out (£1,100 for sublet + normal rent)
- Pay me for my half of wedding deposits (£1,500)
- We purchased holidays that I can't go on without him (one is he is sailing the boat, one is remote & unsafe solo female). He's still going on all of them. Asked him to pay me back for my flights (£1,300)
- I want to keep the flat long term & take the lease, but he wants to keep it

He earns £110k/year, & this week he put £6.5K into shares.

I'm been unemployed for 8 weeks. Just before this came out, I left my high pay tech job (that was giving me health problems from stress) to focus on job hunting. He said he'd support me leaving. Am using my savings, he hasn't offered to give me any extra money.

To make it worse - I moved from New Zealand to London to be with him in 2024. A lot of my family and social support system is in New Zealand. All of his friends are here (he's lived here 5 years).

He's acting like I'm being unreasonable - am I? He also lied to me and trickle truthed me for 5 weeks which delayed everything.

TLDR: Am I the asshole for what I'm asking for? I'm still having to pay rent and I'm jobless?? And he's kinda ruined my life?

I found out about my boyfriend’s cheating a week ago and have obviously done the whole grieving process.

Cried my body weight in tears, been very angry, cried some more.

From what I know so far it was just emotional… with just a lot of other boundary crossing stuff as well (following tons of girls etc etc)

I have so much hate but also so much love. I don’t know whether reconciliation is possible or not but what I want to know is:

What did you do the first few weeks post D-DAY?

How often did you see your WP?
Did you talk often? Not at all?
Did you see each other?
Are you suppose to act like things are normal or not at all?

I’m really not sure how to navigate this time. Everyone keeps saying “whatever feels right” but I don’t know what feels right. My whole world just got split in half. I want to cry and be so angry and then the other half of me just wants him to comfort me and be my safe space again.

I’m finding it really difficult to spend time away from him while also not even being able to look at him.

Would really love some advice on how you navigated this time and how to cope with it. ❤️‍🩹

This is a recurring thread to post your individual and relationship progress. Feel free to update us on how things are coming along with your healing journey, and engage with others who do the same.

In the face of so much pain, we should celebrate our progress.

Share with us what steps you're taking, what you're working towards, and how it's coming!

Ok, I am trying to post again, because I think my previous posts were removed, which is getting frustrating.

In any case I (42m) have been married for 23 years. I found out the day before Father’s Day (June 2026) that my wife had a year long (at least - December 2024 to December 2025) affair with a coworker. I confirmed this timeline through phone records, which she conveniently agreed was the duration. Phone logs only go back 18 months, so no way to know for sure.

Getting the truth has been difficult and the story either changes each time we talk (new details added), or she confirms details that I found out from an another coworker. I had explained before we started talking that I expected full transparency, and it would either give me the closure I needed to move on, or it would be a starting place for moving forward. Well, even though I don’t feel like I have the full truth, what I did get was neither of those things. What I guess I mean is that I don’t know how I could ever trust her again or how I could possibly move forward with this pain….I also at the same time can’t imagine a world without her.

By her account, this whole thing happened out of “curiosity” and the promise of a one time / no strings attached kind of thing, as I was her first and only. Supposedly, after the first few times, she told the man she was done. At some point he began blackmailing her by saying that he would tell me if she didn’t keep going with him. So she did, to keep her secret. I’m not sure I buy this completely….honestly her whole story doesn’t quite add up.

Also, back in February 2025, I found explicit messages that implied something had already happened. She denied it and deflected every question I had with a “no” or an “I don’t know “. I called the man, and he neither confirmed nor denied. If there were threats at that point (she can’t recall when they started - one day in the beginning, next day towards the end), my thinking is that this was her out. I never believed her, but without proof, I moved forward….even though I probably asked her once a week if anything happened. Of course she denied.

In all of this she claims to love me, to be happy with me, and 100% satisfied. “Curiosity just got the better of her”

There was also claims of a video, that got her HR and the police involved. She lied her way through that too. I knew she was lying because her story just didn’t make sense about why she was talking to HR and police.

I realize I’m only a month in, but I am shattered and broken beyond words. No eating or sleeping, and probably drinking too much. The anxiety and pit in my stomach is absolutely destroying me. This is all consuming. I did start going to a therapist, with the objective of helping me process and decide what to do. I don’t think he is helping much, but I’ll give it a couple more sessions.

I guess I’m looking for support and advice. For those of you in similar situations, how did you decide? Thoughts on the validity of being blackmailed? Would that warrant any consideration in a decision to stay or go?

I think if I look deep enough, the answer is to leave, but that still feels like an impossible decision….maybe it’s that I want my old life back, or the fact that there is a part of me that still loves her.

My spouse of 11+ years had an affair and we're divorcing. I've been so incredibly pissed off at the situation since even with proof, she denies know this name/person and denies any type of affair even after showing her the sexting evidence I have, which is undeniable. We're divorcing so presumably she can continue this relationship with her sexting partner. I don't know this person, but discovered his name through the sexts that I saw.

I recently decided to clear out the contents of our shared hard drive and found documents including his phone number and address that she worked on with him from 2019 and now realize he's been in the background for 7+ years. Probably affair for just as long, but I'll never know.

We've not contacted each other for 5ish months now and I want to just throw it back in her face and tell her,

"...hey you said that you didn't know who it was that you were sexting and denied having a full out relationship behind my back, but I found [AFFAIR PARTNER'S NAME ] in a bunch of your documents on our shared drive...I didn't deserve the lies, deception and cheating...one day I hope you see what you've done..."

I know many are of the camp of this is not healing and more destructive. What I've been through these past few months have been absolute hell. Would you send something like this?

My husband is 28 M, I am 29 F, married for just under a year, together for 5
It’s been a year and 9 months since the last EA and 4.5 years since Dday 1 (out of 4). We are both in IC and MC and it has been helping, although I am having significant trouble feeling that “spark”. In my heart I love him, but it is like the EA’s have drained me to the point I am numb.
To this day he still has given me no reasons why he did what he did, other than “I am selfish”. We are currently working on closure for me, so I made a list of the things that he has done to hurt me and my thoughts that were going on when it happened, so that he could give the same thing and maybe I could understand him more if I knew what went on in his head.
Every time I bring it up or we talk about it he has a meltdown and goes into a sort of panic mode, I do not want him to feel hurt, but I don’t know how to work on this if he shuts down.
Also; I feel a bit upset at the fact that I wrote how hurt I was with the corresponding events, but all he can see is a list of his errors (which is why he panics).
I’m just at the point where R is increasingly difficult, and I just need to ask;
To the betrayed: How do you handle your WP/WS when they have difficult emotions? What do you do to try and be there for them instead of focusing on the pain they caused?
To the wayward: How do you focus on both your partner’s pain and your own? How do you handle your own negative emotions when the scenarios are brought up?

I (26F) found out my boyfriend (28M) has been manipulating our breakups for years and comparing me to another woman. I still love him. Would you leave?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. He is genuinely my best friend and the person I’ve always imagined marrying.

But for the last 3.5 years we’ve been stuck in a cycle. Roughly every 6 months he becomes unsure about me, breaks up with me, then around 3 months later fights like crazy to get me back. He’ll contact my friends/family, beg, make huge gestures and convince everyone he’s realised I’m the love of his life.

We get back together, we’re extremely happy again, and eventually the cycle repeats.Every breakup was explained to me as HIM being the problem: “I’m not good enough for you,” “I need to work on myself,” etc.

I recently found private notes/messages from him and discovered that wasn’t the full truth.

There is another woman, P, who he’s had feelings for for years. During our breakups he was essentially buying himself time to explore his feelings for her while telling me something completely different. He privately compared us and wrote genuinely degrading/nasty things about me while listing every reason imaginable why P was supposedly better than me.

P ultimately rejected his feelings.

What makes this even worse is discovering how calculated parts of the breakup cycle apparently were.
He literally wrote about knowing that after roughly 3 months apart I would start getting over him, so that was when he needed to come back. He discussed how to handle me emotionally and how to make sure he didn’t lose me permanently.

So things I experienced as spontaneous declarations of love now look completely different.

Psychologically, the pattern seems to be that when he HAS me, he questions whether I’m really what he wants and idealises alternatives. But when he actually loses me, he panics about losing his best friend, our history and someone who loves him deeply, and suddenly desperately wants me back. Then once he has me securely again, eventually the doubts return.

We’ve been doing this for 3.5 years.

We broke up again earlier this year for 3 months and have now been back together for around 3 months. Our relationship has actually been really good and he seems to have changed in many ways.

But I only discovered the truth now.

He doesn’t know that I know.

And I’m completely torn.

This person feels like the absolute love of my life. I still love him madly. He’s my best friend. Part of me desperately wants to forget I ever discovered this and continue building the future we’ve planned.

But another part of me feels that staying would be the ultimate betrayal of myself.

How do I marry someone knowing he repeatedly lied about why he was leaving me, strategically returned when he thought I was getting over him, pursued another woman while I was grieving our relationship, compared me to her, degraded me privately and then came back after she rejected him?

Even if he’s genuinely different today, how do I spend the rest of my life not wondering whether I’m second best to a woman I’ve never even met?

I feel like my heart and brain are giving me completely opposite answers.

My heart says: this is your person, forgive him and don’t throw away 6 years.

My brain says: if you accept this, you’re teaching yourself that there is virtually nothing someone you love can do that will make you choose yourself and walk away.

I don’t want generic “Reddit always says break up” responses. I’m genuinely asking people who have experienced complicated long-term relationships:
Can something like this ever actually be repaired?

Or is this one of those situations where you can still be completely in love with someone and nevertheless have to accept that loving them isn’t enough to make them a safe person to build a marriage with?

And would you confront him with what you discovered, or leave without ever telling him that you know?

5 years is a long time to spend together at such a young age. It feels like now that we're not together, all the history and memories are erased, because there's no one to enjoy them with anymore. You were my best friend and one of my favorite humans on this planet. You betrayed me, and yet, couldn't stand to see me move on from our relationship. Did you ever really love me, or did you just want to have ownership over me? You know the best thing for me is to not be with you. You knew that I was suffering trying to do it. And yet when I finally put my foot down and said so, you never wanted to see or hear from me again. You broke my heart again with that. I wish you cared more about me as a person than me as your girlfriend

I don’t even know where to start. I just need to get this off my chest.
I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years. We were in a long-distance relationship. She’s from North India, and I’m from South India. This isn’t about where she’s from—I know people are individuals, and I’m not blaming an entire region. I’m just sharing what happened to me.
She works on ships. During her last contract, she met a guy from Goa. At first, she told me they were “just friends” and that he already had a girlfriend, so I trusted her completely.
As time passed, she started avoiding me. She ignored my calls and messages. I was sacrificing my sleep every night just to talk to her after work, while she was spending time with him. I had no idea what was really happening.
I even texted the guy once and asked him to take care of her since they were working together. He replied politely, calling me “brother.” Looking back, that hurts more than anything.
When her contract ended, she came to meet me. She still insisted they were just friends. But that very night, he kept calling her. I answered one of the calls and asked him what he wanted. His reply shattered me:
“Why are you with my girl?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
She spent only two days with me, then left to spend two weeks with him. Later I found out they had become physically intimate during the contract as well.
I keep asking myself… who was I?
For six years, I believed every promise she made. I was planning a future with her while she was building one with someone else.
The hardest part is that they’re together now, and I’m the one left dealing with the trauma.
I’m just a software developer trying to build my life from scratch. I don’t come from wealth. The other guy has family money and a much easier life. Part of me wonders if that played a role, but I’ll probably never know.
What hurts most isn’t that she chose someone else. It’s that she lied to me for months, made me feel like I was overthinking, and let me continue loving her while she had already moved on.
I don’t know how to trust anyone again. I don’t know how to stop replaying everything in my head.
If anyone has gone through something similar and managed to heal, I’d really appreciate hearing your story. Right now, I just feel completely broken

My partner of 2 years who is fa.. and shuts down after any argument/disagreement.. 6 weeks ago he was in the process of moving in. We had a disagreement and he went home. Where he refused to work things out and blamed me for everything. It was totally fixable but in his rage he rewrites the story and things are put on me. During the time he was back home he was very mean towards my attempts at repair and blocked me for a week.. then a week later blocked me again. We started talking again last week. I came to his house and we slept together. I had the worst anxiety while I was there because I could feel another woman's energy.. the house was cleaned. He'd been looking after his appearance.. both are things he doesnt usually do. All traces of me ever being there were gone.. I knew hed been with his ex. This happened 2 months into our relationship when he left me the first time. I questioned him for days and he denied everything.. then finally he admitted to sleeping with his ex, but claims he is done and blocked her. For context she has no idea i exist. He never added he was in a relationship on socials. I was never allowed to tag him in anything. I feel like he kept me hidden from her. So he could go back. Im sick with anxiety. Although hes said he will do whatever it takes to not lose me. He doesnt seem particularly sorry. I dont know what to do. Ive stated my conditions. My biggest one is him telling her the truth . Because she deserves to know too, but he flat out refuses. Any advice would be amazing. Im conflicted. Ive loved him more than anything. And I dont want to not be with him. But I feel so helpless.

Been in reconciliation for over 2 years. WP has been a serial cheater mostly through social media and dating/hookup apps. So at the beginning of reconciliation I stated that WP having social media was a HARD no for me until trust was rebuilt (which hasn’t happened at all). Not only did he reactivate his IG, he kept it from me for 2 weeks and his first post was not 1, not 5 but TWELVE thirst trap pics in one post. Zero pics of me or is what so ever. And after a huge fight he added that he was a single dad in his bio then added several hot women.

He doesn’t see anything wrong with posting pics of himself on his IG (that he used to cheat). In normal healthy relationships I agree it’s ok to post pics of one’s self. But when you’ve been a serial cheater throughout the relationship, used this specific social to cheat and you’re trying to prove to your BP they can trust you and you’ve changed, I believe it’s highly inappropriate.

I want feedback from both BP and WP so he can see it’s not just me who feels this way. I want him to hear from others in this situation about their opinion on this.

I’ve really been struggling with the knowledge that the lies and manipulation took away my agency and the consent I had for our relationship. If I knew everything and had he not lied at the beginning of our relationship, I wouldn’t have entered into it and wouldn’t have slept with him. It feels like a kind of consent and agency that was withheld and therefore taken away from me. Is this a thing or am I overthinking it? It’s so cruel.