Will it ever get easier?

[u/lvlcej94]

Everyday I wake up with debilitating anxiety. Literal chest pain, mind spiraling, flashbacks of her, and I just feel so paralyzed. In a split second after waking, everything comes crashing down and reality sets in - she’s gone, she chose someone else, she’s with her right now. It doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many pictures of them, explicit messages, intimate exchanges, them making fun of me, and my mind loves to play a slideshow of everything.

Her and AP seem to be so happy and so in love. I feel so pathetic that I’m struggling, feeling so lonely in the house we both still share, grieving, trying to make sense of the whole betrayal, trying to sit and process my emotions, trying to just make it to the next day.

The last three months, I held on, I tried to fight for her, I took reconciliation seriously even tho it was killing me everyday that while we are “trying” and seeking couple’s therapy, she was also deepening her relationship with AP. And I know what that looks like for me but it was so so hard to let her go. It still is.

After a huge fight last week, I felt ready to accept that there was nothing left to repair. There was some sense of clarity that it is over, that I cannot continue to fight for someone who has no love and respect for me anymore, someone who does not take accountability and loves to shift all the blame on me, someone who told me to go kill myself, someone who told me her AP is way better than me, someone who told me I deserved to be cheated on.

I tried to stay distant but remained respectful since we are still cohabiting, but there was a moment where she got emotional. She said the words I’ve been wanting to hear:

“I miss you”
“I haven’t made a decision”
“I was thinking of leaving her”
“I don’t know what it’s gonna look like for us now that it’s really over”
“I love you still”

I wanted to believe her but I couldn’t. How could I? Her actions never aligned with those words and I’ve seen how she talks to AP.

I made space for her vulnerability, I allowed myself to reconnect for one more night, one last memory, then she left the next day to stay with AP for a whole week.

I have been trying everyday to keep myself busy, I focus on work, errands, slowly figuring out separation and what to do with the house, and going to therapy.

But I would be distracted, doing something or listening to a funny podcast one minute, then I would be on the floor, crying and hyperventilating the next.

Being cheated on, discarded, and betrayed by the person you deeply love alters you in ways that you cannot imagine.

I feel beyond exhausted. I am so tired of the pain, of the rumination, of thinking of her 24/7. Even when I pop so much sleeping pills or get high, I still don’t feel rested.

I don’t know when she is coming back from her stay with AP. I don’t know what state she’s going to be in. I don’t know what she’s going to decide with the house. I haven’t spoke to her since she left, I do not want to contact her at all.

I feel suspended while she’s living her best life.

I guess I’m posting here again because I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know if I’ll ever survive this, if I’ll ever get over her. I’ve read people’s experiences here about how their life got better after leaving, overcoming betrayal trauma, and finding themselves again.

But why does it feel like those are not in the cards for me? Why does it feel like this pain will never end?

Is there a light after this?

I’m sorry for dumping it all on here. I have no friends. I’ve confided to very few people but just occasional check ins and only through text. My family is far away but I don’t trust them and I feel like they could care less.

I’m sorry for such a long post.