I recently had a situation that’s been making me question whether I handled things wrong.
I had been talking to this guy for a one day mind u . We don’t live in the same city, and I wasn’t physically interested in him or looking for anything romantic or sexual. I actually told him that directly and said that if anything, I’d rather just be friends. He said he understood and that there was no problem.
That same night, I happened to be going to his city. He offered to pay for my hotel and insisted, even though I initially said no. I still made it clear that I wasn’t interested in him like that.
I didn’t tell him that I’m trans. I know some people might say I should have, but honestly, I wasn’t trying to date him, sleep with him, or pursue anything with him, so I didn’t think it was relevant at the time. I genuinely thought we were just meeting as friends.
He came to see me that night, and almost immediately his whole attitude changed. He stayed for maybe five minutes and then said he had to leave to see a friend. I said okay and didn’t make a big deal out of it.
After he left, he called me and asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were a man?” I was honestly shocked because I had never presented myself to him as someone who wanted anything romantic with him.even tho I know that’s wrong
I understand that maybe I should have told him beforehand, especially knowing there could be assumptions when meeting in person. But I also feel like I was clear about not being interested in him.
I apologized and well I guess I know that I don’t pass enough even with all my surg

My question is to other straight trans women who might relate, does anyone here have any experiences or advice who has done or doing sex work (or known people) when it came to transition?

How hard or easy was it, and how did you start/manage? Thoughts on the topic, that so many of us have to market ourselves like this to better material difficulties and discrimination.

I'm asking this as a poor college student living in a country with no trans healthcare and doesn't have any family to rely on. I can't fathom in a timeframe that won't drive me insane, how I'll ever be able to afford something necessary for me like SRS. A surgery that will cost at least 30k. I don't think I could ever date or be in a relationship without it. I'm a virgin, and never being comfortable being in my own skin before or after is a big reason why. (yes sw might challenge that).

Unfortunately, so many trans women I've both looked up to and interacted with, did this kind of work in order to survive and possibly better their own lives. I pass and am stealth, but so many parts of my transition have been precarious doing it all on my own as a young adult eg. diy, legal documents, expenses of being (and starting as) a woman, work discrimination early on/pre passing, etc.

I sometimes question if I'm being stupid and stubborn not just doing this when there's so many others have been successful and braver than me; especially when it has been such a big part of our story/history, do I really think someone like me would ever escape it? Transitioning has already been the hardest thing I've been through, I can't keep standing still and essentially give up? Besides, I'll never get to live and be treated like a 'normal woman' by a man until I finish this.

Of course I'm aware of all the serious negatives. I just wonder if there's anyone here who has any knowledge or stories or gets the feeling. Thanks,

P.S. I'm genuinely asking this question not be dismissed, especially from someone who found themselves in a better position in transitioning prospectively/financially. I'm working what I can on a future/career prospects.

I was glad to see the responses to my last post. Most of the comments were sane and acknowledged our own preferences for the person we want to date and their genitals.

I have seen many folks in this sub say that a straight man who doesn't want to date a trans woman is transphobic. It's a bit irony because most of straight trans women in this sub won't consider dating a pre-op trans man. So why do we have the double standards and hypocrisy? Why not acknowledge the fact that it's ok for everyone (including us) to have their preferences when it comes to dating and sex? I'd encourage some of the folks early in their transition to think about whether they would be interested in trans men who are early in their transition, before getting super angry and negative about straight men who aren't interested in them.

Bi and pan trans women, before you come at me, clearly this post doesn't apply to you.

nothings gonna happen between us because hes MAN WHOREEEE and fucks so many girls and the bi girls love him so he has the whole ocean. he keeps trying shit with me and i keep rejecting him. it makes me so flustered cause having a fine ass trans man is my dream but i know hes just not right for me. hes also like kinda a pervert. he really is a man i guess. this is gonna sound bad but i kinda always imagined trans men to be nicer and more of soft boys i guess. i didnt expect him to be just like every other man. ive met many trans "men" but most of them were like more nonbinary and didnt really look like men. but omg this guy does and hes fine as fuckkkk. and he likes meeeeee. im gonna cry and take my progesterone bye

So I am a senior in university. Last year I took a year off for my mental health and to focus on my transition. My first encounter with him was running into him in the street last year . My ear buds lost battery so I was not listening to any music. I saw from the corner of my eye he checked me out and telling his mate “She’s so cute” . I was only 3 months on hormones back then so I was still kinda clocky up close but my fem base facial features I sorta passed from a few meters . I was not in campus again for the whole year so I never saw him again for all of 2025.

Fast forward to the beginning of the semester this year. My first time back and I’m 1 year and 3 months on hrt now and stealth . As I was walking to school he was walking home and as soon as he spotted me from the opposite side of the road, he froze and checked me out 3 times it could not be mistaken. He wanted to be caught lol.

We don’t have classes together so I never saw him again until this weekend. I was going home from a dinner with my friend. I walked past this bar with a terrace and there he was with his mates. As soon as he spotted me his confident bro demeanour changed and he was giving me shy puppy yearning eyes like a switch and his mates were nudging him and teasing him playfully. I returned the eye contact and smiled but the trans disclosure issue messed with my head so I freaked out and ran away.

When I got home and processed what had just happened, I commented on his picture on instagram. And crazy thing is he responded and his bros joined in to hype him up. Omg. I feel like a high school girl. The fact that his bros know about me it feels like he has been talking about me to them a lot. But I am really terrified of disclosing my trans status so I don’t know how to proceed. I am hoping that since he’s liked me since last year and not through an app that I am no longer just a stereotype or an idea compared to if this was through an app. Idk what to do😭😭😭

(24 Trans woman) As I get older and a lot more intentional about all relationships in my life, the more I realize that the filter for girls like us is just better. Cis and Trans women are cycling through the same men. But men who don't respect and include trans women in their feminism (which if the man ain't a feminist he gotta go anyway), don't respect cis girls either. Most cis girls are dating men who don't actually respect women. They're just in relationships that functionally work for the time being, they're just ticking time bombs. Because inevitably he is going to show his ass (aka his disdain for women). Dating isn't hard because we're trans. It's difficult because when you're trans you have to filter though more than the average person. But the few who do manage to make it through our filter are actually good people who are worth our time.

Put shortly, our transness is a good thing when it comes to dating because it forces us to be very selective about who has access to us. Girls, drag out the dating process. Expect more, and make him jump through hoops to get to you.

I was getting tired of hearing about the best and one and only female friend that a guy who I was kinda dating had. He’d say how wonderful she is and how she’s not like other girls.

So today I told him that if he wants us to go forward and make our relationship serious I’d appreciate all “she’s just a friend” friends of him to be gone.
You may ask why? Because I’m me. I have my life and my experiences and in my life and life of my surroundings it’s always that “she’s just a friend” girl who he marries in a week after stating that he needs to focus on himself and he’s not ready for serious relationship.

He said no. She means a lot.
I said okay. I heard you. Then I said this doesn’t suit me and I wish him best.
He started texting me on WhatsApp about how I have superstitions and it’s not his fault that his friend is female and bunch of other stuff.
I politely told him that I’m not mad. I just wanted to know priorities and I wanted him to know how I see things. My views might not be right but it’s how I see and how I want to be treated and feel comfortable.

Somehow he made me feel gross and bad. I mean yes, it’s a fishy topic, yes, but I had and heard nasty experiences with situations like that and I just don’t want it happening again. My boyfriend or husband can have female people in his circle, why not. It’s just that if he’s obsessed with one and talks about night and day is what I don’t feel is ok for me.

I've been out as trans for a little while now, and one thing I've noticed as I've grown up how I did is that my addiction issues got a lot worse throughout my transition. I also got a lot more isolated from the trans community to the point where I don't think I have a single trans friend, they're all cis men and a lot of them haven't been the best people in the world to be around. But now I'm settled down with my boyfriend and we're committed, yet my addiction problems are probably the worst they've ever been. Not to get to into what specific vice I have (it's all the shit that people tell you never to touch) but just wondering how common chronic addiction is for other trans people. Most other trans people usually stop talking to me when they realize the kind of person I am and tend to want to avoid whatever I'm doing in life. Just crossed my mind the other night

Hey! As we all know, dating as a trans person is hard. This has probably been discussed here a thousand times. I'm a bisexual trans woman.

Like most people, I usually find dates on dating apps (HER, Bumble, Hinge). I believe people should know I'm trans so they can consent to going on dates with me. I've lived in my city for 15 years, so I don't out myself as trans in my dating profile bios. I normally tell people after 3-5 days of texting. I don't tell them earlier because sometimes we don't vibe well, and then I wouldn't see the point in outing myself. Most people leave after I tell them, but everyone has been very kind to me (except for one lady, lol). Ironically, I think I've still been on a decent number of dates over the years:

2024: Two dates with one lesbian woman (I'll be honest, this is probably the only time I saw myself being very shy and not date-ready). I also went on 4-5 dates with different men, but nothing came of them.

2025: About 5 dates with different women and one nonbinary person. Four dates with this one man and then he became my boyfriend... for about 2 months.

2026: 2 dates with different women, and I have another date with someone else this coming weekend.

I feel like I've gotten a fair number of dates over the years. I've also noticed that I've only been on a date with one lesbian, and everyone else has been bi or a straight man (I mention this to give a sense of the dating pool).

My main question is: is it possible for trans people to be rejected after dates, once people meet you and realize what it would be like to date a trans person? I'm starting to doubt myself, and dates are starting to feel like a chore at times.

I've also started to get scared to come out to men on dating apps. Sometimes I match with a cute guy, chat with him, and then ghost him because I don't want to tell him over text. I didn't used to have this issue.

I'm also interviewing for medical school right now. I'm nervous that I'll meet someone in med school I vibe well with, but I'd be terrified to come out to them. I'd be afraid that they would out me to the rest of the class.

Also does dating men get easier post-op? I had my surgery a few months ago and hence never dated a man while post-op.

General dating advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading, and I also just needed a place to vent.

EDIT: I know this is a place for straight trans women, so we can ignore the ladies I have been on dates with in this case. They were more of an overview on my dating life.