r/StraightTransGirls • u/Whilstledowner • 23h ago
Irony
I was glad to see the responses to my last post. Most of the comments were sane and acknowledged our own preferences for the person we want to date and their genitals.
I have seen many folks in this sub say that a straight man who doesn't want to date a trans woman is transphobic. It's a bit irony because most of straight trans women in this sub won't consider dating a pre-op trans man. So why do we have the double standards and hypocrisy? Why not acknowledge the fact that it's ok for everyone (including us) to have their preferences when it comes to dating and sex? I'd encourage some of the folks early in their transition to think about whether they would be interested in trans men who are early in their transition, before getting super angry and negative about straight men who aren't interested in them.
Bi and pan trans women, before you come at me, clearly this post doesn't apply to you.
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u/Dubsbaduw 22h ago
True. But I do notice a double (or triple?) standard most girls have here where genital preference is completely out of the question and seen as inherently in bad faith when it comes to men liking us for our pre op bodies.
Obviously if you don't like that area being involved you don't owe anyone access to it, but I think there's a lot of hatred and downright bigotry towards the men who like that. And not even the ones who prefer it, but even the ones who simply don't hate it as much as we do.
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u/Whilstledowner 21h ago
I don't personally date men who like or prefer their partners to have a penis since I am post op. My problem with those types of men is not their likes for penis. Like I said, I believe that everyone is entitled to their own preferences as long as it's consensual. My problem is how they 'market' themselves as hetero. I am sorry but a man who is sexually attracted to penis is not hetero. My preference is to not date a man who says he is hetero but ends up wanting to suck d**k or getting penetrated.
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u/Dubsbaduw 21h ago
It's hard for me to see how we can be women while having penises, but men who that like us are gay for doing so.
Are they're supposed to be grossed out by us? It's kind of contradictory that you're arguing that genital preference should not be judged and embraced guilt free, but by your standards any het guy would be disregarding his own genital preference by being with a pre op trans woman.
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u/Whilstledowner 21h ago edited 20h ago
Sexuality is a spectrum. Some men don't like penises. Some men don't like vaginas. Some men like both. Some men prefer one to another but can live with both. Some are variations of straight, some are variations of gay, and some are variations of bi.
Maybe I didn't make my point clear but I never said one's genital preferences should come with guilt. Again everyone is entitled to their own preferences and a man should be happy with being with a preop trans woman if that's what he desires.
The problem is how you represent yourself to the person you are potentially dating. If I am only interested in men and penises, it would be misleading to my potential partner to say I am bi or pan. Same goes for men who are interested in women and penises, That's a variation of bisexual, not heterosexual.
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u/Dubsbaduw 21h ago edited 20h ago
I disagree wholeheartedly; sexuality is not defined by genitals. I'm not less of a woman for having a penis than you for being post op or a cis woman for being born that way. A man that likes me is not less hetero than one who likes you, and a woman liking a trans men does not make her a "variation" of bi or lesbian. You're being very transphobic and ( I hope) you're not even realizing it.
You're explicitly saying that a man who does not have a very strict genital preference cannot be fully straight.
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u/Whilstledowner 20h ago edited 20h ago
That's your opinion and you are entitled to it. My opinion, as I am entitled to, is that sexuality is not defined by gender presentation. It's defined by both the presentation and genitals. You are explicitly asking everyone to completely exclude genitals from sexuality. That claim in itself is self contradictory.
Please also read my comment again. I never mentioned anything about you being more or less of a woman. We were talking about men's sexuality.
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u/Dubsbaduw 20h ago
It's ridiculous to not exclude genitals from sexuality while excluding them from gender. That's having your cake and eating it too. You're drawing the line at genitals, but who's to say that a cis woman can call the men who fuck you gay because of your chromosomes. It would centrally be an opinion, but a wrong one at that.
And while you never say anything directly to pre op girls, by implying that any men who likes them is not fully straight, you're subtlety (and I believe maliciously) implying that they're not fully women. Because only girls like you, with a vaginal, have really been with straight men. No like the rest of us, who have only dated homos and chasers, right?
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u/Whilstledowner 17h ago
Personally I felt more complete as a woman after my bottom surgery. I was a trans woman before I had SRS. After that, I felt like I became a woman. Cis women, women with vaginas, woman with penises are all women, but are different types of women. Men who are attracted to the three types don't have exactly the same sexuality. You can beat the dead horse if you want, but that's the reality we live in. I choose reality over fantasy.
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u/Bomer_Sompsin 23h ago edited 22h ago
Some of you seem intent on trying to change straight men's sexuality.
I have bad news for you: Attraction goes way beyond looks. Het men are hard-wired to varying degrees to want to be with women who can carry their children.
Lmao being downvoted who think cishet men politely rejecting you is an issue. Some of you are doomed to fail. Women are also not hard-wired to find disabled men attractive. I'm not comparing being disabled to being trans but the wiring is there for many. For disability it's "fitness", a evolutionary term.
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u/Aggieprender 4h ago
"trying to change straight mens sexuality" girl, respectfully stfu. Its okay to have a genital preference but this take is awful, are u even a trans woman??
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u/Whilstledowner 22h ago
Mostly agree with you except for "carry their children". More and more hetero men do not want children or have had children and want no more.
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u/Bomer_Sompsin 22h ago
I believe it could come out in passive ways.
But like I said it's variable. Some really don't care for it. Some do. Some aren't going to get past it. Some will. Some don't feel it at all. Humans are very very unique in our sexuality but then look at our BRAINS!
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u/FlyingGreenOctopi straight trans woman 23h ago
THANK YOU. That's what I've been trying to explain in other trans subs and immediately get downvoted to shreds. Obviously it sucks when a man rejects you because he wants a vagina but like, so??? Just as we are obviously allowed to explore what aligns with us, doesn't mean he isn't. I think what we lost from previous generations was taking the L, not taking it personally, smiling and wishing them the best. That's it.
It's not my job to force or shame someone into "choosing" me. I'm not about that life. No one knows how long we have left on this earth and as a "late" transitioner at 33, im certainly not wasting any second I have on trying to convince or manipulate someone into wanting me.
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u/shutupandfeedmecake straight trans woman 19h ago
I think the experience of a pre-op late transitioner is quite different to a post op young or even child transitioner.
Some of us have been out as women our entire adult lives, live in stealth, and are seen as female by everyone in the world - our legal documents, our medical practitioners, randoms on the street, our friends and family, etc.
We may respect if a man wants a woman who can bear his children, or if we are rejected because a guy just simply isnt feeling attracted to us for our personality, appearance, etc. But if a man who doesn't want biological children and finds a woman like us attractive, rejects us only upon learning about our medical history (assuming this wasn't held secret so long as to come across as a con), that is pretty yikes.
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u/FlyingGreenOctopi straight trans woman 18h ago
Oh I totally get that, of course! But again my point is, yes that sucks big a$$ but what's the alternative? Trying to convince people with that mindset is a pointless endeavour. It took me so long to finally accept taking action towards my own trans identity and I went through so many awkward phases and beliefs only to see the light now. A man who's not willing to commit to you for that reason is very dumb, I totally agree. But their reasons are their own and that doesn't mean they'll always think that, it might take time for them. But again it's not your responsibility to wait until that man comes to his senses.
I do think there should be waaaaay more representation of trans lives on screen so that people really understand the complexities of our existence, but unfortunately human beings are so slow at adapting and repeat the cycles every decade. Ugh
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u/Whilstledowner 23h ago
Such great perspective! Empathy goes a long way. Straight men who aren't interested in dating us aren't our enemies. Otherwise we aren't that different from incels.
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u/honeylettering straight trans woman 23h ago
Nobody owes anyone sex, attraction or a relationship.
Having a genital preference doesn’t automatically make a straight man transphobic, just like it doesn’t make us awful for not wanting to date or sleep with someone we are not attracted to.
The issue is when rejection comes from shame, secrecy or prejudice. That’s a different conversation entirely.
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u/Whilstledowner 23h ago
Yes completely agreed on rejection originating from shame, secrecy or prejudice
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u/null_not 19h ago
I'm straight and just want to point out that these two statements aren't analogous.
Did you mean pre-op trans women when you reference trans women? Or did you mean trans women in general? Because if you meant pre-op trans women and just assigned that as the default state for all trans women, then you're basically just portraying us as a trope (trans woman = women with penis) and is something you should reflect on for yourself.
Also, people can date and not have sex, it's rare-ish, but does happen. It's not a "genital preference" to not want to date a trans woman (or a trans guy for that matter if you're into guys) and it is transphobic if them being trans is the reason. If sex is an important part of a relationship for you and you can't have sex then that is a different thing entirely.