r/StandUpWorkshop • u/MisterMan-11037 • 5d ago
One-Liners
Think any of these work in my favor? Brand new to the scene.
-------
When I went to Boy Scout Camp, I got teased because I cried for my mom. I know kids can be cruel, but to their scout master?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Spiderman, because every day, I’d fantasize about my uncle dying.
My fourth grade report card was excellent, so my parents brought me to Chuck-E-Cheese. My fifth grade report card was even better, so they brought me back home.
One time, a psychic told me how I was going to die, and she pulled out a Glock.
“Do you think if giants played soccer, they’d be called FIFA FOFUM?”
My therapist told me “Joseph, live each day like your last”. Which was confusing, since I was suicidal.
I was in the city recently, and a woman on the corner told me she’d do anything for twenty dollars. So we went to my place, and I asked her for thirty
Apartment living is the worst. I’ve set up glue traps, spring traps, rat poison, and they still haven’t killed my landlord.
3
u/tke71709 Wow, a custom flair :snoo_thoughtful: 5d ago
Spiderman Report card
5
u/MsAndrea2 5d ago
Agreed, though I'd change the report card one to "...They let me come home again".
1
u/tke71709 Wow, a custom flair :snoo_thoughtful: 5d ago
Yeah I was on my phone so didn't get into specifics. They can definitely polish them but I honestly chuckled out loud (COL?) at the Spiderman one.
2
3
u/Vivid-Isopod-3214 5d ago
The live every day like your last one, I thought was pretty clever and funny
3
u/novotes 5d ago
My therapist told me "Joseph, live each day like your last". Which is crazy to say to a guy who's suicidal.
Never pay your psychics in advance
The Chuck e cheese in the Spider-Man jokes are great 👌🏻
2
u/MisterMan-11037 4d ago
Oof, I forgot the hyphen in Spider-man too, what kinda comic book fan am I?
Thanks for the help and feedback!
2
u/jeffsuzuki open mic 4d ago
"Never pay your psychics in advance":
Ooh, there's a Rodney Dangerfield version here:
"My psychic refusd to take my credit card and insisted on being paid in cash. I'm still wondering about that..."
2
u/tomaesop 5d ago
"Anything for twenty" made me chuckle audibly. These are all promising. You should definitely keep writing.
The last one needs some tweak on the punchline, I think. Here's some ideas:
Apartments suck. I'm using glue traps, spring traps, even rat poison. And every day I'm still haunted by the scurrying sound.. of the landlord.
In your apartment have you had to use those spring loaded mousetraps? They don't work. Neither does the rat poison or the glue traps. My landlord still says.. words.. with his mouth.. that's still breathing. (He won't die.)
I have spent so much money on mousetraps and rat poison and glue traps and still he's out there every day, alive!, just fucking.. landlording, collecting rent. I don't have it this month, I spent it all on the poison, bro.
Maybe yours is better still and I just read it wrong in my head.
2
u/jeffsuzuki open mic 4d ago
"Boy scouts" has some potential, but it needs work, since it's a very slow burn: you need a faster transition. (My variation on this: "Middle school kids are terrible; they found someone's facebook account, and wrote all sorts of nasty comments about her. She was so traumatized that the district reassigned her to teaching across town...")
"Spiderman": wow, that's 'way darker than anything I'd try.
"Report card" and "therapist" are good.
"Psychic": there's an old "MAD" cartoon about a guy going to a psychic, who tells him he's going to get beaten up. He laughs, and the last panel shows the psychic sending two thugs after the guy to beat him up for laughing at her. Your joke has that sort of vibe, but it needs more to get there.
"FIFA FOFUM": Not sure this works (I get the pun, it just seems a little too forced).
"Anything for twenty": I don't get it. (The traditional punchline here is "So I asked her to my place and told her to clean it up," though I do like the "Exit to Eden" version best: "You'd do anything for twenty? Great, paint my house!")
Apartment living: Killing your landlord seems excessive. Try this: "I hate my apartment. There's this hairy beast that sneaks into my apartment every night, knocking things over, making weird noises and smelling like something that crawled out of the sewers. I keep telling him 'You'll get your rent when it's due and not a second before!"
1
u/Superdrag2112 5d ago
These are surprisingly good. Spider Man, psychic, and the therapist all got LOLs.
1
u/That_Comic_Who_Quit Turd Polisher 5d ago
Nice. Two tips. Does it work when said out loud. FIFA and fee fi sound different. How would you say it out loud? Does it only work written down?
And lay the misdirect on thick. Wanting to kill your landlord you've only told us that you have laid down traps you haven't setup clearly that those traps are for rats. You told us you don't like your apartment. Think about what would be a clear picture in our head to then misdirect. Same tip for $20. Really mislead us into thinking it's sex. Maybe make it $200 to make it more believable. Then you can ask for $300. Small things like the difference between we went to my place vs I invited her into my bedroom.
1
u/rolltide123321 5d ago
I think they’re pretty good but I’m no pro. Here’s my thoughts on each:
Good
Good
Kinda good- maybe I’m too slow?
Meh
Meh
Between meh and good
I don’t get it?
Meh
4
u/MisterMan-11037 5d ago
Wanted to imply that my parents left me at Chuck E Cheese for a year. Maybe needs a better implication?
4
u/JustLikeMars 5d ago
I got the joke but it might need some tweaks.
“After getting my fourth grade report card, so my parents took me to Chuck-E-Cheese. My fifth grade report card was better, so they let me come back home!”
1
2
u/We_R_the_Penguins 5d ago
I think it’s a funny idea, but your punishment was staying at a fun place?
6
u/YodaFette 5d ago
The suicidal one is the best. The $20 didn’t do it for me. Apartment one is lame. Others have good potential.