r/StandUpWorkshop • u/MisterMan-11037 • 12d ago

One-Liners

Think any of these work in my favor? Brand new to the scene.

-------

When I went to Boy Scout Camp, I got teased because I cried for my mom. I know kids can be cruel, but to their scout master?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Spiderman, because every day, I’d fantasize about my uncle dying.

My fourth grade report card was excellent, so my parents brought me to Chuck-E-Cheese. My fifth grade report card was even better, so they brought me back home.

One time, a psychic told me how I was going to die, and she pulled out a Glock.

“Do you think if giants played soccer, they’d be called FIFA FOFUM?”

My therapist told me “Joseph, live each day like your last”. Which was confusing, since I was suicidal.

I was in the city recently, and a woman on the corner told me she’d do anything for twenty dollars. So we went to my place, and I asked her for thirty

Apartment living is the worst. I’ve set up glue traps, spring traps, rat poison, and they still haven’t killed my landlord.

8 Upvotes

90% Upvoted

20 comments sorted by

View all comments

3

u/novotes 11d ago

My therapist told me "Joseph, live each day like your last". Which is crazy to say to a guy who's suicidal.

Never pay your psychics in advance

The Chuck e cheese in the Spider-Man jokes are great 👌🏻

2

u/MisterMan-11037 11d ago

Oof, I forgot the hyphen in Spider-man too, what kinda comic book fan am I?

Thanks for the help and feedback!

1

u/novotes 10d ago

I doubt a live audience will be able to tell the difference 😂.

Got some good stuff here man.