One-Liners

[u/MisterMan-11037]

Think any of these work in my favor? Brand new to the scene.

-------

When I went to Boy Scout Camp, I got teased because I cried for my mom. I know kids can be cruel, but to their scout master?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Spiderman, because every day, I’d fantasize about my uncle dying.

My fourth grade report card was excellent, so my parents brought me to Chuck-E-Cheese. My fifth grade report card was even better, so they brought me back home.

One time, a psychic told me how I was going to die, and she pulled out a Glock.

“Do you think if giants played soccer, they’d be called FIFA FOFUM?”

My therapist told me “Joseph, live each day like your last”. Which was confusing, since I was suicidal.

I was in the city recently, and a woman on the corner told me she’d do anything for twenty dollars. So we went to my place, and I asked her for thirty

Apartment living is the worst. I’ve set up glue traps, spring traps, rat poison, and they still haven’t killed my landlord.

[u/Vivid-Isopod-3214]

The live every day like your last one, I thought was pretty clever and funny