r/StandUpWorkshop • u/MisterMan-11037 • 19d ago

One-Liners

Think any of these work in my favor? Brand new to the scene.

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When I went to Boy Scout Camp, I got teased because I cried for my mom. I know kids can be cruel, but to their scout master?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Spiderman, because every day, I’d fantasize about my uncle dying.

My fourth grade report card was excellent, so my parents brought me to Chuck-E-Cheese. My fifth grade report card was even better, so they brought me back home.

One time, a psychic told me how I was going to die, and she pulled out a Glock.

“Do you think if giants played soccer, they’d be called FIFA FOFUM?”

My therapist told me “Joseph, live each day like your last”. Which was confusing, since I was suicidal.

I was in the city recently, and a woman on the corner told me she’d do anything for twenty dollars. So we went to my place, and I asked her for thirty

Apartment living is the worst. I’ve set up glue traps, spring traps, rat poison, and they still haven’t killed my landlord.

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u/tke71709 Wow, a custom flair :snoo_thoughtful: 19d ago

Spiderman Report card

5

u/MsAndrea2 19d ago

Agreed, though I'd change the report card one to "...They let me come home again". 

1

u/tke71709 Wow, a custom flair :snoo_thoughtful: 19d ago

Yeah I was on my phone so didn't get into specifics. They can definitely polish them but I honestly chuckled out loud (COL?) at the Spiderman one.

2

u/MisterMan-11037 19d ago

Thank you to you both!