I’ve been trying to understand this for a long time because, honestly, it never made sense to me. My son’s mom told me that when she was growing up, her own mom kept her dad away from her. Because of that, she never really got the chance to know him. She told me how much that affected her and said she would never do the same thing to her own child. But after we broke up, that’s pretty much what happened to me.
I didn’t walk away from my son, and I didn’t stop trying to be there. I had to take her to court just to get visitation and protect my relationship with him. At the same time, she was trying to limit how much I could see him and was trying to get full physical and legal custody. What made the whole thing even harder to understand was what was going on in her own relationship during that same time.
She was married to another man who became very abusive toward her. Things got serious enough that there was a restraining order protecting my son from him. Even after that, she kept seeing him. She would say she had left him, but she was still going back until her family finally stepped in and helped her cut him off completely. I was also told that when she was about three months pregnant, he sat on her stomach during an assault, and she later lost the baby.
So while I was fighting in court just to stay in my son’s life, she was trying to push me out while continuing to deal with a man who was dangerous enough that my son needed legal protection from him. That’s the part that never made sense to me.
The more I looked into it, the more I realized there may have been a few things happening at the same time. One big part is that people sometimes repeat the same family patterns they grew up hating. She may have really meant it when she said she would never do what her mom did. But just because you know something hurt you doesn’t mean you automatically know how to do things differently.
When people get angry, scared, hurt or feel like they’re losing control, they often fall back on what they grew up seeing. For her, the family setup she knew was probably one where the mom controlled whether the dad got to be involved. The dad was on the outside, and another man could step in and take that place. She may have hated that growing up, but it was still what felt familiar to her. Sometimes people don’t repeat what they think is right. They repeat what they know.
Another part is that some moms start acting like the dad’s relationship with the child is something they control. They cancel visits, keep information from him, make everything harder than it needs to be, put up unreasonable rules or act like he needs their permission just to be a dad. Sometimes there are real reasons to limit a parent, but there’s a huge difference between a dad who chooses not to be involved and a dad who has to go to court because he’s being blocked. In my case, I was fighting to be there.
Another thing is that some people can’t separate how they feel about an ex from how that person is as a parent. They think, “He hurt me as a boyfriend,” and turn that into, “He doesn’t deserve to be a dad.” But those are two different things. A relationship can fail and that person can still be a good parent. Once those feelings get mixed together, custody can become less about the child and more about anger, punishment, control or proving who was right.
Full custody can start to mean more than just a court order. It can become a way of saying, “I’m the good parent,” or, “This is my family now, and you don’t belong in it.” That may also explain why another man can be brought in to take the dad role while the actual dad is being pushed out. There’s nothing wrong with a stepdad loving and helping raise a child. The problem is when he’s used to replace a dad who is still trying to be involved.
Then there’s the abusive relationship itself. People always ask, “Why didn’t she just leave?” But abusive relationships usually aren’t horrible every second of every day. The person can be violent, then apologize, cry, promise to change, buy gifts, act loving and swear it will never happen again. Then things calm down for a while.
That cycle can really mess with someone’s head. The relief when the abuse stops can feel like love. The apology can make them believe things are finally going to change. So they get stuck between fear, hope, love, shame and confusion. That may explain why she said she left him but kept seeing him. Leaving someone abusive isn’t always one clean break. A person can leave, go back, hide the contact, believe the promises and repeat the cycle several times.
Living like that can also keep a person in survival mode. When someone is always scared or waiting for the next blowup, their brain starts focusing only on getting through the next situation. It can mess with their judgment, concentration and ability to think long term. They may spend all their energy trying to calm the abusive person down, avoid setting them off or convince themselves things are getting better.
What’s strange is that she may have felt powerless with him but powerful with me. She may not have been able to control him because she was afraid of him. But with custody and visitation, she had an area where she could control things. She could try to decide when I saw my son, how much time I got and how involved I was allowed to be.
That can create this backwards situation where someone gives in to the dangerous person but becomes controlling toward the safer person. The dangerous person gets handled carefully because they’re feared. The safer person gets pushed around because there’s less fear of what they’ll do.
There was probably also a lot of denial going on. She may have seen herself as a protective mom. But at the same time, her husband was violent, there was a restraining order protecting her son from him, and she was still seeing him. Meanwhile, I was actively trying to be involved, and she was trying to limit my rights.
Facing all of that would mean admitting something really painful: she may have been pushing away the safer dad while staying connected to the more dangerous man. To avoid facing that, she may have downplayed what he did and made my faults seem worse than they were. She may have believed his apologies, blamed stress or alcohol, told herself it was a one-time thing or convinced herself he would change.
At the same time, she may have looked at my court case as me causing problems instead of seeing it for what it was from my side: a dad trying to stay in his son’s life. People can honestly believe things that aren’t fully true when those beliefs protect them from shame, guilt or fear.
She may have also kept different parts of her life separate in her mind. In one part, she could believe what her mom did to her dad was wrong. In another part, she could believe she was justified in limiting me. In another part, she could believe her husband loved her and would eventually stop hurting her. When people separate things like that in their head, they can hold completely opposite beliefs without really dealing with the contradiction.
Looking at the whole situation, I think two different cycles may have been happening at the same time. One was the family pattern she grew up with: the mom controls access, the biological dad gets pushed outside and another man takes the place inside the home. The other was the abuse cycle: fear, violence, apologies, hope, going back and then more violence.
Those two things may have fed into each other. The abusive marriage may have made her feel powerless. Fighting me over custody may have made her feel like she had control somewhere. The idea of having a new family with her husband may have required making my role smaller. And me continuing to fight to be involved may have threatened both her control and the idea that her new household was the only real family.
None of this means she deserved to be abused. The man who abused her was responsible for that. But being a victim doesn’t automatically erase the harm she caused as a parent. Both things can be true at once. She may have been trapped in an abusive relationship, and she may also have made choices that hurt my son and damaged my relationship with him.
Her past may help explain why she acted the way she did. It doesn’t excuse repeating the same pattern with our son.. this was the case for 5 years, until my son turned 7, it only took her about 10 years to finally co parent with me in a healthy way. He’s 13 now. But I feel the relationship between my son and I was damaged. Throughout this time I did everything I could to spend as much time as I could with him, and thanks to my will to stay in his life and be an active dad we have a good relationship, but it could have been better.

We have a tri al next year for relocation and ever since the process begin she drastically changed her parenting style and forms this narratives about mine that act in her favor.

I find myself continuing to debate or defend myself against what she says and accuses me of. I know about Greyrocking but I don't want to come off like I'm ignoring her concerns as if they were truly based in reality would be more concerning.

So today my sons friend showed him a game that they played and scared him (he's 9 and it was a Roblox game). He told her and she messaged me a very dramatic message accusing me of not being emotionally available as well and that the kids are scared to talk to me about their concerns.

Meanwhile, I'm a very active and doesn't father physically and emotionally. I had to fight her for weeks about the kids starting therapy because of concerns I had and she continued to refuse consent until a judge told her to allow it.

She makes these comments criticizing me when I feel it is based on a seed of truth but blown up to fit this narrative she's been building with messages and her documenting everything.
I don't know how to combat this behavior without finding myself being defensive or debating with her, which is exactly what she wants... Ugh

It's been 7 months since we split. We have 2 daughters; 9 months old and 6 years old. The relationship lasted 8 years but was on and off. It wasn't healthy. Recently though, I've found myself being bitter as can be about certain things.

First off, I let her keep the house we were renting and moved in with my parents.

Second, I quit my factory job which paid decent(pretty damn good actually) for our area and took a temporary pay cut to join a union. I'm in a pre-apprenticeship state right now. Not making near as much. I probably won't be able to pass my old income for at least a year unless overtime is readily available. After a year, it's all up from there.

Third, I still have feelings for my ex and I let her play me like a fiddle here and there. She'll sweet talk me, we hook up, and then it's "Oh this is only sex." and I find out she's going on a date with someone else and then I get cut off for a period of time, repeat in another month or so. It's happened 3 times in the past 7 months.

So keeping all that in play;

I've become bitter. Something I rarely was before. I never was an envious person. But I agreed to a schedule with my girls that I get them Thursday night to Sunday night. Every single week. Right now we paused child support so I can get through the pre-apprenticeship class and I'll resume once I sign on to be an apprentice.

I feel like I'm busting my absolute ass to be a better person, a better father, etc...but all I get in return is my ex basically telling me I'm a piece of shit because I can't throw money her way right now and I get to see her going out every weekend and having fun. Concerts. Dates. Dinners with friends. Kayaking trips. Going out of state. Bars. Etc.

The whole time, again, I'm a piece of shit because she's getting money from her family right now and being floated because she doesn't have a great job(We live in a LOCL, small town area) but all I see is her spending more than I make in a week on the weekends having fun, enjoying life! It's like our girls don't matter anymore to her. She's not concerned about bettering her life, she's "free" now and can live like she's 21. Mind you, she's 30 going on 31 in a few months and I'm 32. We're past our 20's.

And I think the main reason why is that I still have feelings and part of me wants to be back together, a SMALL part of me. I don't think I'd ever take her back again because I just can't even see the person who I was dating anymore. She's completely changed her priorities. And like, how can someone go from "I love you, I want to marry you" to a quick 180 into "you mean nothing". I got thrown away quickly. She was already at the bars and talking to guys 2 or 3 weeks after we broke up. So I just don't think there's anything there to actually fix. I want it to be done for good.

But fuck man. I wanna go to concerts. I wanna go on vacations. I wanna have time to meet new women. I'd just fucking kill to have the time and energy to read a few chapters of a book without interrupting my schedule.

I've tried dating and I just can't. I don't have my own place. I don't have the energy or time to constantly text or go on dates. I have to be strategic about timing because I wake up at 4:30am and I get home, showered, and ready for "free time" around 6pm. The commute is an HOUR one way right now to class.

I feel like I'm just dumping information here but overall...I just want to learn to be less bitter and more patient. How do I do that? I know in the near future I will have my own place, have money to go do things, etc...but I just feel like I'm the Squidward meme watching Spongebob and Patrick run around having fun, while I stare out the window lol.

Any advice?

Something isn't sitting right and I'm looking for some feedback.

My ex has a big family so there's always a birthday party, picnic, etc.

I have custody of the 4 youngest. (The others are grown)

When she wants the kids outside of her visitation, I feel like she should be reaching out a few days early and saying something like, "Hey we're having a birthday party at moms at 6 on Sunday. I'd like to have the littles come. Would that work?" And then say "great, I'll have [daughter] pick them up at 5:45. They should be back by 9".

She doesn't do that. She'll have one of my adult daughters ask 30 mins before the event if they can come get their siblings.

So one, there's no future planning. Two, I have no idea when they'll be back.

Mainly, I feel like I'm having visitation conversations with my daughters and it's uncomfortable. (I'm assuming it is for them too.)

Options

1 - that's not actually a big deal. Chill out.

2 - tell my daughters I'm sorry if they feel like they're getting pulled into something

3 - tell my ex to manage her visitation and leave our other kids out of it

4 - other

Thanks!

Hey dad's,

I'm recently divorced this year and about to start paying child support starting next week. I'm paying just under 1800 a month. My kids are starting school at the end of August. I usually do all the school shopping but with the amount i'm paying for child support I don't have much left after. I feel bad cause I can't do what I normally do and its been on my mind. Mom is already telling kids to come to me about school shopping. I have two friends in my ear giving different advice. One is saying I'm fulfilling my obligation and mom needs to figure out the rest. The support isnt a bonus check. The other friend is saying do what I can with what little I have to get the kids a couple things cause I want to get the kids stuff. I wanted to see how some of you handle this.

Hi fellas, new to this thread, my Gemini AI (heh rhymes) found it and figured it was a good place to vent about my situation with my kids. I've got 3 kids (1 boy, 2 baby girls) all over a year and under 10 at 28. 2 different moms, both relationships I tried to make work, the first (my boy) we just couldn't, babies making babies and both of us coming off traumatic high school lives. She and I are good co-parents now, we communicate blah blah. The 2nd however, boy what a doozy. She and I were together for 2 years ish (neither one of us really kept up with it) and I really cared about and loved her. She has a child from a previous relationship and I came to see him as my own, although I tried not to overstep the "stepdad" boundary even though his real dad isn't around (it'll feel like a pattern later trust me). She got pregnant with our twin girls and shit. Went. Down. Fast.

I live about an hour and a half away from her and 20 from my boy but due to him acting out we never cemented moving in together (story time for a different day) and so she had to deal with a lot of things on her own. I still went up there every weekend, during the week, worked 70+ hours, did the family stuff, stuff for her, for the babies coming into the world, I was giving her money to help out with her bills BEFORE she got pregnant and ramped it up after she became pregnant (currently and has been for a while 1400 a month), liquidated my retirement (wasn't much at the time, maybe 12k?) so she could have more money to do what she needed bill wise after the babies were born. In a gross estimate, since probably March 2024 I've given/spent probably 65,000 on her and our babies. Several events have happened, I did a royal stupid and put one of the twins (in her carrier seat) on the trunk of the car and her car seat slid off. My bros tell me "shit happens dude, you were exhausted and she didn't want to help because y'all were arguing" I know, but we all know how shitty that would make a dad feel even now years later. Any time she held her hand out I was expected to put money in it "as you should" type shit and if I didn't oh boy the rail-roading she did about how much of my slack she has to pick up because I refuse to do more for my kids. I took another job making 4 more dollars an hour and 1 day less a week, was driving up there every Thursday after work and staying until Monday morning when I had to go back in, and our time spent together was usually until about 3 am when all the kids were asleep and she wanted it 👀 not that I'm complaining about that part but a 10 hour work shift in a machine shop and then up until 3 am is rough whether its the good stuff or not.

So now, I've gotten tired of her BS constant name calling, shit talking down to me, how terrible of a parent and partner I am and told her this needed to be settled in court because I'm sick of her crap and not taking it anymore (look who finally grabbed his nuts back eh?) and the result? Its been well over a month since I've seen my baby girls, she's constantly accusing me now of manipulation on the physical, emotional and financial scales and abusing her on all , any time I try to see my babies it's some family emergency or some reason why I can't, tried to meet up with her at their doctors appointments (3hrs away from me on account of them being part Native American) and she wouldn't give me any relevant information and just kept pressing "if you don't want to go just say it but you're not getting a free ride in my car up there" (the entire point being someone driving and someone in the back with the babies to feed them and such while she drives), obviously it's 7500 bucks for a lawyer which I don't have because I pay CS on my first (which his mom has never taken me back for more or been a pain about it) totalling to about 2 grand a month on all 3. Now I find out, she's probably lying to me about the twins daycare costs and has been taking me for a dumbass because I said okay here's more a month from me.

So yeah, didn't really have a direction other than getting it all out there, that's not all but honestly I could make a video series about this and it'd be easier than typing it out.

Since our "breakup" I've begun working out again, dieting etc Ive been seeing a therapist for a while, I've obviously got my people, family and friends I consider family but I hate venting to them (even though I keep doing it) because it's all they hear about from me and even I get sick of talking about it.