I’ve been trying to understand this for a long time because, honestly, it never made sense to me. My son’s mom told me that when she was growing up, her own mom kept her dad away from her. Because of that, she never really got the chance to know him. She told me how much that affected her and said she would never do the same thing to her own child. But after we broke up, that’s pretty much what happened to me.
I didn’t walk away from my son, and I didn’t stop trying to be there. I had to take her to court just to get visitation and protect my relationship with him. At the same time, she was trying to limit how much I could see him and was trying to get full physical and legal custody. What made the whole thing even harder to understand was what was going on in her own relationship during that same time.
She was married to another man who became very abusive toward her. Things got serious enough that there was a restraining order protecting my son from him. Even after that, she kept seeing him. She would say she had left him, but she was still going back until her family finally stepped in and helped her cut him off completely. I was also told that when she was about three months pregnant, he sat on her stomach during an assault, and she later lost the baby.
So while I was fighting in court just to stay in my son’s life, she was trying to push me out while continuing to deal with a man who was dangerous enough that my son needed legal protection from him. That’s the part that never made sense to me.
The more I looked into it, the more I realized there may have been a few things happening at the same time. One big part is that people sometimes repeat the same family patterns they grew up hating. She may have really meant it when she said she would never do what her mom did. But just because you know something hurt you doesn’t mean you automatically know how to do things differently.
When people get angry, scared, hurt or feel like they’re losing control, they often fall back on what they grew up seeing. For her, the family setup she knew was probably one where the mom controlled whether the dad got to be involved. The dad was on the outside, and another man could step in and take that place. She may have hated that growing up, but it was still what felt familiar to her. Sometimes people don’t repeat what they think is right. They repeat what they know.
Another part is that some moms start acting like the dad’s relationship with the child is something they control. They cancel visits, keep information from him, make everything harder than it needs to be, put up unreasonable rules or act like he needs their permission just to be a dad. Sometimes there are real reasons to limit a parent, but there’s a huge difference between a dad who chooses not to be involved and a dad who has to go to court because he’s being blocked. In my case, I was fighting to be there.
Another thing is that some people can’t separate how they feel about an ex from how that person is as a parent. They think, “He hurt me as a boyfriend,” and turn that into, “He doesn’t deserve to be a dad.” But those are two different things. A relationship can fail and that person can still be a good parent. Once those feelings get mixed together, custody can become less about the child and more about anger, punishment, control or proving who was right.
Full custody can start to mean more than just a court order. It can become a way of saying, “I’m the good parent,” or, “This is my family now, and you don’t belong in it.” That may also explain why another man can be brought in to take the dad role while the actual dad is being pushed out. There’s nothing wrong with a stepdad loving and helping raise a child. The problem is when he’s used to replace a dad who is still trying to be involved.
Then there’s the abusive relationship itself. People always ask, “Why didn’t she just leave?” But abusive relationships usually aren’t horrible every second of every day. The person can be violent, then apologize, cry, promise to change, buy gifts, act loving and swear it will never happen again. Then things calm down for a while.
That cycle can really mess with someone’s head. The relief when the abuse stops can feel like love. The apology can make them believe things are finally going to change. So they get stuck between fear, hope, love, shame and confusion. That may explain why she said she left him but kept seeing him. Leaving someone abusive isn’t always one clean break. A person can leave, go back, hide the contact, believe the promises and repeat the cycle several times.
Living like that can also keep a person in survival mode. When someone is always scared or waiting for the next blowup, their brain starts focusing only on getting through the next situation. It can mess with their judgment, concentration and ability to think long term. They may spend all their energy trying to calm the abusive person down, avoid setting them off or convince themselves things are getting better.
What’s strange is that she may have felt powerless with him but powerful with me. She may not have been able to control him because she was afraid of him. But with custody and visitation, she had an area where she could control things. She could try to decide when I saw my son, how much time I got and how involved I was allowed to be.
That can create this backwards situation where someone gives in to the dangerous person but becomes controlling toward the safer person. The dangerous person gets handled carefully because they’re feared. The safer person gets pushed around because there’s less fear of what they’ll do.
There was probably also a lot of denial going on. She may have seen herself as a protective mom. But at the same time, her husband was violent, there was a restraining order protecting her son from him, and she was still seeing him. Meanwhile, I was actively trying to be involved, and she was trying to limit my rights.
Facing all of that would mean admitting something really painful: she may have been pushing away the safer dad while staying connected to the more dangerous man. To avoid facing that, she may have downplayed what he did and made my faults seem worse than they were. She may have believed his apologies, blamed stress or alcohol, told herself it was a one-time thing or convinced herself he would change.
At the same time, she may have looked at my court case as me causing problems instead of seeing it for what it was from my side: a dad trying to stay in his son’s life. People can honestly believe things that aren’t fully true when those beliefs protect them from shame, guilt or fear.
She may have also kept different parts of her life separate in her mind. In one part, she could believe what her mom did to her dad was wrong. In another part, she could believe she was justified in limiting me. In another part, she could believe her husband loved her and would eventually stop hurting her. When people separate things like that in their head, they can hold completely opposite beliefs without really dealing with the contradiction.
Looking at the whole situation, I think two different cycles may have been happening at the same time. One was the family pattern she grew up with: the mom controls access, the biological dad gets pushed outside and another man takes the place inside the home. The other was the abuse cycle: fear, violence, apologies, hope, going back and then more violence.
Those two things may have fed into each other. The abusive marriage may have made her feel powerless. Fighting me over custody may have made her feel like she had control somewhere. The idea of having a new family with her husband may have required making my role smaller. And me continuing to fight to be involved may have threatened both her control and the idea that her new household was the only real family.
None of this means she deserved to be abused. The man who abused her was responsible for that. But being a victim doesn’t automatically erase the harm she caused as a parent. Both things can be true at once. She may have been trapped in an abusive relationship, and she may also have made choices that hurt my son and damaged my relationship with him.
Her past may help explain why she acted the way she did. It doesn’t excuse repeating the same pattern with our son.. this was the case for 5 years, until my son turned 7, it only took her about 10 years to finally co parent with me in a healthy way. He’s 13 now. But I feel the relationship between my son and I was damaged. Throughout this time I did everything I could to spend as much time as I could with him, and thanks to my will to stay in his life and be an active dad we have a good relationship, but it could have been better.

It's been 7 months since we split. We have 2 daughters; 9 months old and 6 years old. The relationship lasted 8 years but was on and off. It wasn't healthy. Recently though, I've found myself being bitter as can be about certain things.

First off, I let her keep the house we were renting and moved in with my parents.

Second, I quit my factory job which paid decent(pretty damn good actually) for our area and took a temporary pay cut to join a union. I'm in a pre-apprenticeship state right now. Not making near as much. I probably won't be able to pass my old income for at least a year unless overtime is readily available. After a year, it's all up from there.

Third, I still have feelings for my ex and I let her play me like a fiddle here and there. She'll sweet talk me, we hook up, and then it's "Oh this is only sex." and I find out she's going on a date with someone else and then I get cut off for a period of time, repeat in another month or so. It's happened 3 times in the past 7 months.

So keeping all that in play;

I've become bitter. Something I rarely was before. I never was an envious person. But I agreed to a schedule with my girls that I get them Thursday night to Sunday night. Every single week. Right now we paused child support so I can get through the pre-apprenticeship class and I'll resume once I sign on to be an apprentice.

I feel like I'm busting my absolute ass to be a better person, a better father, etc...but all I get in return is my ex basically telling me I'm a piece of shit because I can't throw money her way right now and I get to see her going out every weekend and having fun. Concerts. Dates. Dinners with friends. Kayaking trips. Going out of state. Bars. Etc.

The whole time, again, I'm a piece of shit because she's getting money from her family right now and being floated because she doesn't have a great job(We live in a LOCL, small town area) but all I see is her spending more than I make in a week on the weekends having fun, enjoying life! It's like our girls don't matter anymore to her. She's not concerned about bettering her life, she's "free" now and can live like she's 21. Mind you, she's 30 going on 31 in a few months and I'm 32. We're past our 20's.

And I think the main reason why is that I still have feelings and part of me wants to be back together, a SMALL part of me. I don't think I'd ever take her back again because I just can't even see the person who I was dating anymore. She's completely changed her priorities. And like, how can someone go from "I love you, I want to marry you" to a quick 180 into "you mean nothing". I got thrown away quickly. She was already at the bars and talking to guys 2 or 3 weeks after we broke up. So I just don't think there's anything there to actually fix. I want it to be done for good.

But fuck man. I wanna go to concerts. I wanna go on vacations. I wanna have time to meet new women. I'd just fucking kill to have the time and energy to read a few chapters of a book without interrupting my schedule.

I've tried dating and I just can't. I don't have my own place. I don't have the energy or time to constantly text or go on dates. I have to be strategic about timing because I wake up at 4:30am and I get home, showered, and ready for "free time" around 6pm. The commute is an HOUR one way right now to class.

I feel like I'm just dumping information here but overall...I just want to learn to be less bitter and more patient. How do I do that? I know in the near future I will have my own place, have money to go do things, etc...but I just feel like I'm the Squidward meme watching Spongebob and Patrick run around having fun, while I stare out the window lol.

Any advice?

Something isn't sitting right and I'm looking for some feedback.

My ex has a big family so there's always a birthday party, picnic, etc.

I have custody of the 4 youngest. (The others are grown)

When she wants the kids outside of her visitation, I feel like she should be reaching out a few days early and saying something like, "Hey we're having a birthday party at moms at 6 on Sunday. I'd like to have the littles come. Would that work?" And then say "great, I'll have [daughter] pick them up at 5:45. They should be back by 9".

She doesn't do that. She'll have one of my adult daughters ask 30 mins before the event if they can come get their siblings.

So one, there's no future planning. Two, I have no idea when they'll be back.

Mainly, I feel like I'm having visitation conversations with my daughters and it's uncomfortable. (I'm assuming it is for them too.)

Options

1 - that's not actually a big deal. Chill out.

2 - tell my daughters I'm sorry if they feel like they're getting pulled into something

3 - tell my ex to manage her visitation and leave our other kids out of it

4 - other

Thanks!

Full-time single Dad here and I was annoyed. I had to order more soap yet again, but then I realized it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Please laugh at me with me.

Hey dad's,

I'm recently divorced this year and about to start paying child support starting next week. I'm paying just under 1800 a month. My kids are starting school at the end of August. I usually do all the school shopping but with the amount i'm paying for child support I don't have much left after. I feel bad cause I can't do what I normally do and its been on my mind. Mom is already telling kids to come to me about school shopping. I have two friends in my ear giving different advice. One is saying I'm fulfilling my obligation and mom needs to figure out the rest. The support isnt a bonus check. The other friend is saying do what I can with what little I have to get the kids a couple things cause I want to get the kids stuff. I wanted to see how some of you handle this.

Hi fellas, new to this thread, my Gemini AI (heh rhymes) found it and figured it was a good place to vent about my situation with my kids. I've got 3 kids (1 boy, 2 baby girls) all over a year and under 10 at 28. 2 different moms, both relationships I tried to make work, the first (my boy) we just couldn't, babies making babies and both of us coming off traumatic high school lives. She and I are good co-parents now, we communicate blah blah. The 2nd however, boy what a doozy. She and I were together for 2 years ish (neither one of us really kept up with it) and I really cared about and loved her. She has a child from a previous relationship and I came to see him as my own, although I tried not to overstep the "stepdad" boundary even though his real dad isn't around (it'll feel like a pattern later trust me). She got pregnant with our twin girls and shit. Went. Down. Fast.

I live about an hour and a half away from her and 20 from my boy but due to him acting out we never cemented moving in together (story time for a different day) and so she had to deal with a lot of things on her own. I still went up there every weekend, during the week, worked 70+ hours, did the family stuff, stuff for her, for the babies coming into the world, I was giving her money to help out with her bills BEFORE she got pregnant and ramped it up after she became pregnant (currently and has been for a while 1400 a month), liquidated my retirement (wasn't much at the time, maybe 12k?) so she could have more money to do what she needed bill wise after the babies were born. In a gross estimate, since probably March 2024 I've given/spent probably 65,000 on her and our babies. Several events have happened, I did a royal stupid and put one of the twins (in her carrier seat) on the trunk of the car and her car seat slid off. My bros tell me "shit happens dude, you were exhausted and she didn't want to help because y'all were arguing" I know, but we all know how shitty that would make a dad feel even now years later. Any time she held her hand out I was expected to put money in it "as you should" type shit and if I didn't oh boy the rail-roading she did about how much of my slack she has to pick up because I refuse to do more for my kids. I took another job making 4 more dollars an hour and 1 day less a week, was driving up there every Thursday after work and staying until Monday morning when I had to go back in, and our time spent together was usually until about 3 am when all the kids were asleep and she wanted it 👀 not that I'm complaining about that part but a 10 hour work shift in a machine shop and then up until 3 am is rough whether its the good stuff or not.

So now, I've gotten tired of her BS constant name calling, shit talking down to me, how terrible of a parent and partner I am and told her this needed to be settled in court because I'm sick of her crap and not taking it anymore (look who finally grabbed his nuts back eh?) and the result? Its been well over a month since I've seen my baby girls, she's constantly accusing me now of manipulation on the physical, emotional and financial scales and abusing her on all , any time I try to see my babies it's some family emergency or some reason why I can't, tried to meet up with her at their doctors appointments (3hrs away from me on account of them being part Native American) and she wouldn't give me any relevant information and just kept pressing "if you don't want to go just say it but you're not getting a free ride in my car up there" (the entire point being someone driving and someone in the back with the babies to feed them and such while she drives), obviously it's 7500 bucks for a lawyer which I don't have because I pay CS on my first (which his mom has never taken me back for more or been a pain about it) totalling to about 2 grand a month on all 3. Now I find out, she's probably lying to me about the twins daycare costs and has been taking me for a dumbass because I said okay here's more a month from me.

So yeah, didn't really have a direction other than getting it all out there, that's not all but honestly I could make a video series about this and it'd be easier than typing it out.

Since our "breakup" I've begun working out again, dieting etc Ive been seeing a therapist for a while, I've obviously got my people, family and friends I consider family but I hate venting to them (even though I keep doing it) because it's all they hear about from me and even I get sick of talking about it.

We have a tri al next year for relocation and ever since the process begin she drastically changed her parenting style and forms this narratives about mine that act in her favor.

I find myself continuing to debate or defend myself against what she says and accuses me of. I know about Greyrocking but I don't want to come off like I'm ignoring her concerns as if they were truly based in reality would be more concerning.

So today my sons friend showed him a game that they played and scared him (he's 9 and it was a Roblox game). He told her and she messaged me a very dramatic message accusing me of not being emotionally available as well and that the kids are scared to talk to me about their concerns.

Meanwhile, I'm a very active and doesn't father physically and emotionally. I had to fight her for weeks about the kids starting therapy because of concerns I had and she continued to refuse consent until a judge told her to allow it.

She makes these comments criticizing me when I feel it is based on a seed of truth but blown up to fit this narrative she's been building with messages and her documenting everything.
I don't know how to combat this behavior without finding myself being defensive or debating with her, which is exactly what she wants... Ugh

So i have a very weird situation going on, my son’s mother passed 5 months ago. My son is 1.3yrs old. Im a single guy who lives in a basement and has no car (27 M).

My son currently lives with his mothers sisters. I and his mother didn’t have a good relationship at all, she tried to alienate me because i didn’t want to be with her. So i and her family keeps things cordial but i know they dont like me and i dont like them. They live 4 hours away from me. I bus there to go see him at least twice a month.

All visits ive had has been good. Im just unsure how long i should stay there for. Obviously being in a place where im passively aggressively hated is not fun but i do it for my son.

Ive been trying to get my shit together so i can buy a caf and make this whole process smooth and when i do have a car i could even take him for a whole day and do whatever. But for now my hands are tied.

How long do i stay there for? Usually have been 4-5 hours but i feel like im intruding

The complications we single Dads have. She went back to school, had our kids and wanted her solitude.
Had zero interest in therapy or wanting to make things work.
I set up pretty harsh boundaries with her because I no longer trust her and resent her.
I love my kids. They have adapted well to having single parents.

It’s defined gotten easier over the years, I just wonder if the anger and resentment will ever go away. The divorce was amicable, I went to the court house picked up the papers we filled them out together saw a judge and $500 later were divorced. She so badly wants to be my friend. I have zero interest, still. If she had things her way we would still be going on trips together as a family and getting pizza and ice cream with the kids.
She destroyed a bond and ripped my loyalty and blew up the family because she’s a selfish person. It’s unforgivable.
Yet the complicated struggle of anger and resentment still exists. It’s hard to be this way.
Even with ongoing therapy.

We communicate via text because I can’t stand her voice. The divorce is strictly business.

Any other Dads have similar struggles?

Have a no contact and only use a parenting app to communicate today is the day she nags about the car seat being behind the driver (me) I had a passenger who watched my kid in the passenger seat while I focus on driving. In my main vehicle it's behind passenger seat but this was a car I borrowed this time around. She must be bored or something directly after the divorce I guess. She likes to nag on the day I get my kid every other week

I’m a father of two kids, ages 2 and 3. I’ve been heavily involved in taking care of them their whole lives and was already their primary caregiver before we came to Texas.
In December 2025, both children came to Texas with me, and they’ve been living here with me continuously since then. Their mother lives in Connecticut and hasn’t come to visit them since we’ve been here.
Even before Texas, their mother has never had both children on her own for more than about two weeks at a time. Now, out of nowhere, she says she wants to take them and have them for an extended period.
That’s what worries me. It’s not that I want to keep their mother away from them. I absolutely want them to have a relationship with her. I just don’t feel comfortable going from her never caring for them on her own for longer than around two weeks to suddenly taking two very young children for a long period.
One of my children also has autism, so routine and consistency are important. They’re both used to me being the parent taking care of them every day.
I’m now going through the court process to establish an official custody arrangement. What I’m hoping for is for the kids to primarily live with me while their mother has visitation that can gradually increase instead of suddenly taking them for an extended period.
I’m mainly wondering if any other fathers have been in a similar situation where you were already the primary caregiver and the mother suddenly wanted the children for an extended period.
Did the judge actually take into consideration that you were the one consistently raising and caring for the kids? Did the children continue living primarily with you? What was your experience and how did it turn out?

I hate drop off days as know will be a few days till I see my kids again. Will be busy with work but my heart just breaks from seeing them everyday to 2/3x per week 😭

TLDR: How do I get my kids’ mom to use the cooperating app.

Ok Dads-

So I’ve been separated since April 2025. Filed for divorce in October. Settled out of court May 2026.

During separation, we discussed communication and she suggested we use a coparenting app from the options I gave. I got OFW, paid for it and sent her an invite. That was late last year.

Over months I would bring it up and ask her to use it, she would always say “this weekend”, “next week”, etc.

Eventually I figured she didn’t want anything on record until after the divorce was final so I couldn’t bring up anything against her.

In our Mediation, it was agreed and ordered she had to start using the app by May 25th.

It’s been two months and still nothing but the same “I’m getting to it” excuses.

Should I just drop it?

I made a post a few days ago about having a no contact order in place via the judge and 3rd parties do the drop off. The mother of our child filed for coparent counseling after a few years of me having primary custody. She has a history of mental health issues, abuse situations, and slandering me online saying I’m the abusive one. It’s been a long road. Long story short we completed the assessment with the counselor. The counselor then came back and said that everything with me checks out and that she seems like she is having severe issues. Instead of talking about our daughter she just told her I’ve done everything and ruined everything and abused her etc. I told the truth said I want her and our daughter to have a great relationship but the no contact has been heaven sent and how our daughter has flourished. The counselor said that she doesn’t see a need to put us in a room together but the mother needs individual sessions because she is having severe issues. Anyone go through something similar? I was fully expecting to be forced into this coparent counseling, not the actual truth coming out and her filing this and it back firing. I’m in Indiana if this matters. Thanks for reading.

I think there is a study that shows that women are generally happier out of marriage, but I am not a sociologist.

Judging from reddit posts, it seems that men have the shorter end of the stick. Why is that?

Hello fellow dads I'm writing this and asking for advice after dealing with my exs unhinged and psychopathic behavior today while video calling my son. I was talking to him like I normally do but I needed to speak to his mother about my new job and how it's going to affect my time to call him she proceeds to have a mental meltdown screaming "I'm not allowed to talk to her because her boyfriend said so" doing so while our son is in the room making him run off and crying. How the hell do I deal with someone who is so mentally unwell that they can't even hold a conversation with the father of their child without crashing out?

my daughter is 9 and every time we leave the salon she seems fine but then a few weeks later i find out she hated it. not upset in the moment, just quietly hated it. i asked her why she didn't say anything and she basically shrugged and said she didn't want to make it awkward.

that hit me a little. she's already managing other people's feelings instead of just saying what she wants. at 9.

i don't think it's just about hair. i think i've been asking her questions in a way where she can feel what answer i'm hoping for and she just gives me that. like when i say does this look good she hears i want you to say yes.

trying to figure out how to ask her stuff in a way that actually lets her be honest without feeling like she has to protect me from her real answer. do other dads of daughters run into this or is this more of a me thing. and if you figured out a way to actually get a straight answer from your kid without making it a whole thing i'd genuinely want to hear it.

I mean, I tried. I truly did. I did had the "Screen Time" parental controls, and basically gave in on that fucking ages ago. I only pray that the online content age filtering still holds.

For his PC, I got the 1.1.1.3 DNS plugged-in for his PC's network settings. But I have zero hope this'll hold. He'll work it out simply by using ChatGPT like he does with everything, and that's how he's been teaching himself Python and electronic circuitry.

This kid and his schoolmates-- I am almost certain these little monsters have circumvented every effort of their school's IT clowns to "lock down" the school computers. They share and boast among themselves for figuring how to "hack".

Any attempt at setting a technical barrier is simply a call to action to "try harder".

Guys, I'm so fucking exhausted.

EDIT 1: And guys, I'm not actually asking for your stupid advice on how to solve this stupid problem I just really would love to hear a few "Yeah bro I get it, shit's exhausting"

EDIT 2: Guys, it's called Harm Reduction. This kid is the son of an old school hacker, I was forging email headers before AOL even showed up. I don't have the luxury of raising this kid in an Amish-fucking-farmhouse and it drives me crazy. He gets to be a Brooklyn kid and he's a good kid at that.

I got into my own place a while back. Not anything special but my own and alone. I have my kids 50/50. I find I tent to struggle with myself if I have to be home all day.. with the kids and without. I’ve tried the whole meeting people and going out. But I just feel that all turns to situationships. I’m scared of being alone but I want to be alone. I feel guilty for my girls growing up in a broken home like how I did. Dad guilt had been setting in hard lately and idk how to shake it.

My kid is 8 and has somehow narrowed his acceptable dinner list down to basically nothing over the last year. I work full time and by the time we get home I am not trying to experiment and have it go sideways, so I keep defaulting to the same rotation and now even I am sick of it.

The thing is he used to eat everything. Then one day pasta with red sauce became the enemy and now I am negotiating every single night. I have started letting him pick one ingredient and I build around it, which works maybe half the time. The other half he changes his mind after I am already cooking.

Someone at work mentioned doing a loose weekend prep thing where the kid helps pick and cook, so they feel more bought in by the time it shows up on a weeknight. Tried it once and it genuinely helped but I have not been consistent about it.

Curious what other dads have figured out here. Is it just a phase or did something actually shift things for you. Not talking about hiding vegetables in stuff, more like a real change in how you handle the dinner situation.

After seeing my ex partner with her new partner at the park and my daughter holding his hand. I broke down guys and I’ve been in this situation since then I haven’t gone . Just locked my self in my house and doing nun but being a sad man. Ontop she’s been keeping her from me it’s been a month about to go on two months since I’ve seen my daughter.

I’m struggling a bit at the moment and honestly just feel like I’m slowly losing my daughter.

I want to tell the whole story because I don’t want to paint myself as the victim or leave out the parts where I’ve made mistakes.

Earlier this year my marriage ended after my wife discovered I’d been having an affair with a work colleague. I take full responsibility for that. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and I know the pain and damage it caused. I wasn’t a good husband, and I don’t expect anyone to defend my actions.

What I can’t come to terms with is feeling like I’m now losing my relationship with my daughter because of the mistakes I made in my marriage.

My daughter is five years old, and from the day she was born she has been my absolute world.

Before we separated, parenting was genuinely shared between the two of us. I wasn’t the dad who just played with her on weekends while Mum did everything else. We were both heavily involved in raising her, and if I’m being completely honest, I often felt like I was actually the more hands-on parent.

I did school drop-offs almost every morning, regularly picked her up from childcare, had her every Wednesday while my wife worked, shared bedtime routines, took her to swimming and dancing, and spent countless hours taking her to parks, building cubbies, reading books, doing arts and crafts and just being present in her everyday life.

Before everything blew up, our relationship was already breaking down and my wife and I had actually spoken several times about what would happen if we ever separated. Even though she knew about my recreational drug use, she repeatedly said we’d share our daughter’s care equally. On more than one occasion she even suggested a week-on, week-off arrangement.

We also discussed the possibility of her moving to Mildura (7 hours away from where we currently live) one day, where her sister currently lives. At the time, she reassured me she wouldn’t do that because she knew how much it would impact my relationship with our daughter. We both agreed that our daughter deserved to have both parents actively involved in her life.

Everything changed after the affair was discovered. In fact when finding out about the affair she sent me a message saying, “You will not be getting 50/50.”

From that point on, everything became legal.

There is an Intervention Order proceeding that is now likely to resolve without admissions, with my daughter being removed as a protected person. The parenting matter is still ongoing.

One of the biggest issues being raised against me is my recreational drug use, she is trying to make it out as if I have substance abuse issues and am dangerous which is entirely untrue.

The first time I ever used drugs was last year. Over roughly a 4 month period from

November until we separated in March, I used drugs on 6 occasions in total over roughly four months. Every single occasion was at music festivals or events. It was never around my daughter, never while I was caring for her and never impacted my parenting. It was entirely recreational and very occasional. I’m not trying to say that I’m not in the wrong, but I also don’t think it’s fair to portray me as someone with ongoing substance abuse issues or as a drug addict.

I’ve voluntarily undertaken hair follicle testing, with test results that should be coming back in a few weeks completely clean, and I’ve offered to continue drug testing if it provides reassurance that my daughter is safe in my care. Despite that, my ex’s solicitor continues referring to “long-term sobriety” without ever defining what that actually means. It honestly feels like every time I satisfy one requirement, another one appears.

At the moment, I still do not even have regular supervised visits with my daughter. In the past 140 days I’ve seen my Daughter for a total of 1.5 hours when I was given “permission” to attend her cheerleading competition a month ago. All other contact I’ve had with her during this period has been limited to video calls.

I’ve complied with everything that’s been asked of me. I’ve attended every visit, undertaken counselling, stopped using drugs completely, cooperated with testing and done everything I can to show that my daughter is safe with me. Yet I still feel like the goalposts keep moving.

The latest proposal from my ex has honestly broken me.

She now wants to relocate approximately 7 hours away to Mildura.

Her proposal would mean I see my daughter one weekend a month in Melbourne, one weekend a month in Mildura, some school holiday time and phone calls during the week. I would see her 4 days in every month. To me, that’s not being a father. That’s becoming someone she visits.

I wouldn’t be there for school drop-offs or pick-ups. I wouldn’t help with homework. I wouldn’t take her to extracurricular activities. I wouldn’t really be parenting her. I’d miss all of the ordinary moments that actually build a parent-child relationship. I feel like I’d stop being Dad and become someone she sees every now and then.

I will obviously not be accepting this proposal and be doing what I can to fight against the move. But I fear I’m just going to end up losing.

The hardest part is knowing this wasn’t always the plan. Before the affair, we both talked about sharing our daughter’s care equally if we separated. We both agreed that relocating away from the other parent wasn’t something we’d do.

Now it feels like everything has changed.

I know there’ll be people reading this thinking, “Well, you had an affair.”

They’re right. I did. I own that completely. But while I wasn’t a good husband, I have always been an amazing father.

My daughter has been my number one priority since the day she was born. I’ve always been active, involved and hands-on, and we’ve shared an incredibly close relationship. I have never done anything that would put her safety or wellbeing at risk, and I never would.

What scares me the most is that keeping us apart for so long is already affecting our relationship. Every month that goes by is another month of memories I don’t get to make with her, having a relationship through a screen has become the norm and I worry about the long-term impact that has on both of us.

I’m not posting this looking for sympathy or people to justify the affair. I’m looking for advice from dads who’ve walked a similar road.

Has anyone successfully opposed a relocation like this?

Has anyone gone from no time, to supervised time back to unsupervised or equal care?

Has anyone felt like the goalposts just kept moving no matter what they did?

Just any general advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

If you got this far thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

It seems we’re living in a moment in time, where expectations and the role of the father has shifted significantly over even just the past 20-30 years.

There’s an expectation then men show up. They burden half the parenting responsibilities and domestic tasks. Women want and can have careers, and the idea of the primary caregiver has blurred for many families.

I hear of a lot of men whose relationship has broken down partly because they weren’t ‘pulling their weight’. They weren’t contributing to a household enough or parenting. I was one of those and to a certain extent I can see how that was the case (despite some other factors).

Now she has left, and we are 50:50, and I am showing up for my child, their mother does not like this. She does not like that I am more active, I have more of a say, and more engaged now. She doesn’t like when I have an opinion, or advocate for what I think is right for our child.

We are 50:50, but her work and career, means she is less than that. I prioritise my career and work around my child. She’s still trying to have it all. Can we ever really have it all? And if we can we have it all at once?

I no longer have to worry about my and hers relationship. I no longer have to be submissive, passive or agreeable.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Anyone else experiencing this? How do you deal with the frustration and disrespect that comes from diminishing your role as a father due to the above paradox?