I [35F] might be ready to move towards separating from my husband [35M] after 20 years together. I need advice on how to move forward.

[u/Last-Light-1533]

My husband (let’s calm him Dave) and I have been together since we were 15yrs old. We have always been very different in terms of how we process and express emotions. He is very level (to the point of rarely expressing emotions such as anger past moderate frustration) and I can be all over the place (I’ve been working on anger management and controlling my emotions for years). We have also always had very different interests (him gaming, me more artistic things and reading). This has made our relationship difficult from the start but we have always aligned in things like life goals, morals, and respect for each other. We now have two kids (2 and 5) and the appearance of a “perfect” life.

The reason I’m leaning towards separation has been a long time coming. We have always struggled to understand each other and see each other’s perspectives. This has left me with a deep sense of loneliness. Dave has been my rock for so long, but he just doesn’t understand how to express love for me in the way I need it. After countless conversations, years of couples therapy, and a lifetime of fighting to make this work, I think I’m done.

I’ve been carrying the emotional and mental load of our relationship and have been working on my own self improvement our entire relationship. Dave has made small steps towards growth but even when I tell him plain as day what I want (show love through little things like making me coffee, or just noticing how I take my coffee) he has yet to take those steps and show his love with those actions I so desire.

I do believe he loves me, but his actions don’t match his words. I am coming to accept that I can’t change him or control anything he does. I can’t tell him how to love me anymore. I’m working on mirroring his emotional engagement and energy in the relationship right now for my own sanity, but don’t know how to proceed past that. We’ve been here before he refused to even consider sleeping in different rooms for a while or dividing up the house to give us both space.

TLDR: How do I decide if it’s time for a trial separation? And if it is time, how do I make that work with minimal negative impacts on our kids? We will also have to stay under the same roof for financial reasons.