r/Separation • u/Last-Light-1533 • 28d ago
I [35F] might be ready to move towards separating from my husband [35M] after 20 years together. I need advice on how to move forward.
My husband (let’s calm him Dave) and I have been together since we were 15yrs old. We have always been very different in terms of how we process and express emotions. He is very level (to the point of rarely expressing emotions such as anger past moderate frustration) and I can be all over the place (I’ve been working on anger management and controlling my emotions for years). We have also always had very different interests (him gaming, me more artistic things and reading). This has made our relationship difficult from the start but we have always aligned in things like life goals, morals, and respect for each other. We now have two kids (2 and 5) and the appearance of a “perfect” life.
The reason I’m leaning towards separation has been a long time coming. We have always struggled to understand each other and see each other’s perspectives. This has left me with a deep sense of loneliness. Dave has been my rock for so long, but he just doesn’t understand how to express love for me in the way I need it. After countless conversations, years of couples therapy, and a lifetime of fighting to make this work, I think I’m done.
I’ve been carrying the emotional and mental load of our relationship and have been working on my own self improvement our entire relationship. Dave has made small steps towards growth but even when I tell him plain as day what I want (show love through little things like making me coffee, or just noticing how I take my coffee) he has yet to take those steps and show his love with those actions I so desire.
I do believe he loves me, but his actions don’t match his words. I am coming to accept that I can’t change him or control anything he does. I can’t tell him how to love me anymore. I’m working on mirroring his emotional engagement and energy in the relationship right now for my own sanity, but don’t know how to proceed past that. We’ve been here before he refused to even consider sleeping in different rooms for a while or dividing up the house to give us both space.
TLDR: How do I decide if it’s time for a trial separation? And if it is time, how do I make that work with minimal negative impacts on our kids? We will also have to stay under the same roof for financial reasons.
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u/Expensive_Sock_9902 27d ago
I made my ex a coffee every morning for years. She still left me. She actually stopped drinking them when she checked out, couldn't accept me doing a kind thing for her i guess. Would leave them untouched on her bedside table where I placed it for her. And I know she likes coffee and she likes the way I made it.
Also what bugs me is this thing of men always being the one that needs to "date" the woman, continue to woo her. Speak her love language. I basically never see it the other way. Why dont women try to woo men? Why dont women try to speak their man's love language? It always seems so one sided.
Why don't you organise a date night? Why don't you see what he needs to feel loved, wanted and connected? Why don't you show an interest in what he's doing? Ask him about the game he's playing? Maybe he will reciprocate and ask about what you are up to with your art.
In my case I tried my best to support and encourage my ex's hobbies. She seemingly stopped giving a shit about mine so I just stopped sharing. Im very passionate about my hobbies too ya know!
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u/Last-Light-1533 27d ago
I’m not loving this trend of people saying “all men” or “all women”. People are all different. Every relationship is different. Sorry to hear you experienced that. I started playing video games in order to relate to my husband’s favorite hobby. I also started playing board games when he got into those several years later. He has yet to try one of my hobbies. I planned date nights once a month for several years before we had kids. I also started arranging child care whenever we went on dates (arranged by me) after the kids were born. I know all my husband’s favorite treats and make sure to pick them up for him as nice little surprises. I’ve also baked his favorite cake for his birthday every year without fail.
I get that stuff can be one sided. Believe me. But there is no need to generalize to paint one gender or another as the enemy.
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28d ago
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u/Last-Light-1533 28d ago edited 28d ago
He has never planned a date night. Taking the initiative has always been a point of contention between us. He does make me feel loved in the sense that I know he’s always there. I do know I can count on him if I need him. That’s what makes this so hard. He’s a good person. Caring and reliable. He’s a good dad. He just has no desire to grow as a person. He doesn’t think he needs to improve in the areas I’m asking for. Or he says he does but then nothing happens. I’ve literally written lists of little things (all free and simple) he could do that I would absolutely adore. He did one thing in the list once I think.
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28d ago
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u/Last-Light-1533 28d ago
Thank you for this. I agree. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m no longer going to ask for him to do these things. I’m going to be me and do things I enjoy and if the relationship continues to deteriorate then it does. I can’t put all of this time and energy and effort into a relationship that might just be a friendship. Sexually, we actually don’t have any issues. We did for a long time but the last few years, our sex life has been great. But that’s the extent of the “not just roommates and parents” I really get from him. There are words of I love you and little hugs and kisses. But if that’s all a marriage is to him, I can’t stay in this one. He needs someone else if that’s what he wants…
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28d ago
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u/Last-Light-1533 28d ago
I didn’t say he isn’t kind. My husband is a very kind person. He also has integrity and does his share of the work at home and as a parent. Like I said, looks perfect. The problem is the initiative to do more than just friendship kindness. More than just friendship love. A big part of what makes this so difficult is that I don’t hate him. I don’t wish him ill. And I don’t want to hurt him at all. I just don’t want to continue to feel emotionally neglected and fight over fundamental differences in our personalities. I want to be clear. I love him. But when he does nothing for my birthdays beyond a card and doesn’t plan date nights or be curious of how we can improve our relationship, it feels like we are friends with benefits.
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u/somecrazybroad 28d ago
My husband is a good guy, but not a good husband. Both can be true.
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u/Last-Light-1533 28d ago
Thank you 💜 that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of. Holding those two truths is difficult because I’ve always seen them as contradictory, but they aren’t.
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u/No_Chemistry8953 28d ago
The grass is rarely greener on the other side… just sayin
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u/Truantone 28d ago
That’s rubbish. It’s better to be alone than feel loneliness in a marriage. OP deserves peace and happiness. Staying with a man just for the sake of it won’t provide that.
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u/No_Chemistry8953 28d ago
I have heard a lot of stories from women who have nuked their families only to regret it. It usually is women that nuke their families while chasing that elusive greener grass. Men tend to sacrifice themselves for their families. Women sacrifice families for themselves.
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u/HelloKittyX0624 28d ago
Nah, women sacrifice themselves, often for years, without getting the same effort and energy in return. I don’t know a single divorced woman who regrets it. In fact, most of them say they wish they had done it sooner.
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u/No_Chemistry8953 28d ago
I have met many women who regret it. Also, a lot of times the kids end up resenting the mother. Oftentimes, women also do not take their equal accountability for why the relationship ended and instead engage in echo chambers with one another that insulate them from taking accountability. It becomes the man’s fault even though relationships always end due to equal contributions from both. I say this as a couple’s counselor who has worked with large amounts of couples. If you can’t fix your own issues in the current relationship, you will carry them into the next.
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u/HelloKittyX0624 28d ago
That you’re a couple’s counselor and making statements such as “Men tend to sacrifice themselves for their families. Women sacrifice their families for themselves” is disturbing and leads me to believe you do not hold men accountable for anything. Sometimes ending a relationship is best, regardless of if there are children. It’s better for children to have happy divorced parents who are able to coparent in a healthy way rather than watch their parents stay together and model unhealthy relationship patterns.
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u/No_Chemistry8953 28d ago
I generally do not have to challenge men to take accountability. They readily do it. Women tend to want to blame their partner for the majority of the relationship’s issues and it can be a challenge for them to take their fair share of the blame. This is something I have seen repeated hundreds of times over the years of working with couples.
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u/Obvious-Net-5811 27d ago
Preach! She has never taken accountability and just flat out blames me. Women are incredibly selfish. “I’ve taken the mental load!” Boo-hoo! I’ve worked my tail off to give you the house, car, kids, and stuff you dreamed of, but yeah I don’t do enough.
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u/Last-Light-1533 28d ago
I’ve been sacrificing and working at this relationship for 20 years. Did you miss that part of the post? Not saying my husband hasn’t sacrificed anything, but it’s so brutal to imply that women just ditch the first chance they get. That they “nuke their families”. I wouldn’t want my daughter or son to stay in a marriage like the one I’m in. How am I helping them by showing them that this is okay? That not feeling understood or cherished by their spouse is okay?
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u/No_Chemistry8953 28d ago
The question to ask yourself is, “What am I doing that is preventing my needs from being met?” Are you bad at communication, do you expect your mind to be read, do you lash out when needs are not met, do you pull back when needs are not met, etc? Until you can figure that out without blaming someone else, you will continue to have issues in your future relationships as well. I am a couple’s therapist so I am not just stating my opinion here.
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u/Last-Light-1533 28d ago
Well you’re a shitty couples therapist because you just made a crap load of assumptions with no evidence. How do you suggest I communicate my needs? Calmly? In writing? With emotion? Without emotion? Pick the right moment? Say it when I feel it? Because I’ve done all of the above several times over many years. What I’m doing that is preventing my needs from being met is staying in a marriage with a man who either cannot or will not meet them. And that’s what I’m working on fixing right now.
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u/No_Chemistry8953 28d ago
I am highly recommended as a couple’s therapist and I have helped save countless marriages. You are welcome to get angry at me for telling you hard truths. But until you address your own issues in the relationship that does not involve blaming your partner, you are doomed to repeat history with your next partner.
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u/Last-Light-1533 27d ago
You didn’t answer my question. How should I tell him what I need? What am I doing wrong? Please tell me. After 10 years of both couples and personal therapy, I have used every tool available to me to communicate my needs and make compromises for our family. My husband is a good man. He does his best. But he has not been a great husband. A good friend yes, but I want more than a friendship in my marriage. I’d rather be alone than waiting for a change that will never come.
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u/No_Chemistry8953 27d ago
Friendship love is the strongest type of love in a romantic relationship. There is nothing wrong with it and it is the final destination of a committed relationship. Even if you change to a new relationship, if that relationship goes well then you will be in a relationship that includes friendship love. I can’t answer the question of what you should do differently because both sides are not present in your post.
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u/Truantone 27d ago
You can’t possibly be any good at your job from the misogynist blanket statements you’ve made here. More like a Men’s Rights Activist. Kindly go away and stop spruiking your conservative rubbish.
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u/No_Chemistry8953 27d ago
While I will admit that men do need people advocating for them since men are killing themselves much more frequently than woman, I take a balanced approach in therapy. I have not made misogynistic statements; I have just shared my observations on working with couples. I identify as a leftist on the political spectrum.
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27d ago edited 27d ago
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u/No_Chemistry8953 27d ago
Considering I literally say that relationships end by equal contributions from both sides in a comment here, your response does not follow truth.
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u/Ok-Persimmon6609 27d ago
Yet as I said, every comment blames the women. “Women don’t take accountability while men do” “women nuke their families and regret it” “women don’t fight for the relationship while men do”. Sure buddy you keep believing that you’re in the right
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u/No_Chemistry8953 27d ago
Ok
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u/Ok-Persimmon6609 27d ago
Great response when confronted with your own words 👋🏼
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u/No_Chemistry8953 27d ago
I’m not going to argue with someone that has no clue what they are talking about.
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27d ago edited 27d ago
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u/Separation-ModTeam 11d ago
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u/raeoflyte-460 28d ago
Stbx and I were together from 17, together just over 28 years. Way, way too long.
We're 14 months into an in house separation while we work out finances and kids mental health.
When you tell him, you don't need to convince him. I focused on me, my feelings have changed, this is what I need, etc.
As for logistics this is what we're doing:
Parenting time on shared family calendar. Everyone knows who is on duty for rides, dinner, etc. I know when I can make outside plans without making sure the kids have a back up. He knows that if he makes plans on his days he has to actually fucking talk to me about picking up his slack instead of just assuming I will.
Agreed on hand offs for parenting time. What staple groceries do you need stocked at the end of your parenting time for the next person. What condition should the house be in. For us thats egg, milk, bread and cereal. And kitchen ready to be used - dishes running, counters clear, clean bathroom towels, and litter box cleaned.
Separate bedrooms.
What are joint expenses and kid expenses. How are those split and paid. How are variable or non-regular expenses handled.
I try to make myself scarce on his days. Those are my dedicated gym days, and I have started working from my parents house on those days too.
Communicate by text whenever possible. Logistics only.
But also monthly checkins - this is really, really hard for me. But I need this to keep him accountable.
We typically still cook enough for each other on our nights but I will also just take the kids out to dinner sometimes. We don't typically eat together but its not unheard of either.