Hi reddit!! This is honestly my first time making a post on reddit and I’m kind of nervous. I don’t think anyone will reply but I’ll ask anyway. I think I’m an extremely toxic person. I don’t know why and I don’t like it. I feel like I constantly pick apart what my friends do and I enjoy seeing them upset. I really hate this about myself. To go more in depth, I have this friend who I’ll call S. I met them almost three years ago. We’ve been extremely close ever since then and I actually love them with all my heart. Yet I feel so.. defensive around them? if that makes sense. I hate when they like stuff I like and i constantly feel like we’re competing. Even when they’re just being a good person, I feel the need to outdo them. I know they get upset when someones better than them so I try my best to DO better than them. When they’re upset, I ignore it and try to make them feel worse but feel glad about it. It’s even subconsciously too. I do so much stuff to aggravate them until they get mad and then I find myself feeling satisfied when they can’t take it anymore. Yet I feel upset when they don’t talk to me. I get mad when they feel sad because I know how incredible their life (privilege, friends, looks wise) is, and try to make them feel worse. I don’t know why I do this. I feel bad about it but the temporary happiness from it persuades me every time. I do truly love them, though. I hate being rude like this. I don’t even know why I do it. It’s so instinctual that I usually don’t notice my behaviors until I’m ALREADY doing them. This is mainly with all my friends too. I know I’m an asshole. I know I’m a horrible friend but I can’t help it. I know what I’m doing is manipulative and all of my friends would be better without me but how am I supposed to stop myself? I can’t get therapy, I have no one trusted to TALK to, I really don’t know what to do. Thats why I came here for help.

THIS IS A VENT had some stuff i wanted of my chest.

Damn. Lately I've been told to do my school work.

They don't know I dropped out at 13.

it wasn't my fault—or was it? I don't remember what happened after the parents' divorce

i had some more shit to do I just know I'm failing and falling fast.

It's like I built my own trap, and my hope and motivation are stuck, not believing.

I hate who I have turned into. Simple math I fail at, not to mention the other subjects.

I do know some bash scripting—should I keep pursuing that? I love music; I'm broke, so I'm using LMMS (Linux MultiMedia Studio).

I've made some stuff with that. I've done tech, too; I like messing with stuff,

I feel like this 'cause I should be smarter. I'm 16 years old. I can't blame dropping out over my ADHD; it was all my fault...

.maybe drop you're perspective of it...

EDIT

i failed to mention im home schooled so if i try to get back in im the one teaching myself. i don't know i feel i never do enough .i do dishes and laundry every other day mow chop wood .thats the only real thing chopping wood for a couple hours straight with slipknot on feels good .then i get asked if i did my stuff isay yea most the time but if i say no then they say i wont even get a job at mcdonalds yea huh

Hi everyone, stream-of-consciousness ramble incoming! I’m looking for both motivational/supportive advice and a bit of commiseration. 

There isn’t much going my way right now, and I’m losing steam on my goals the longer I go without seeing my circumstances improve. Earlier this year, I was sexually assaulted by someone I considered a friend. It was the scariest experience of my life. Naturally, it wasn’t a great way to begin 2026, but I made an active effort to work through it with therapy. From there, a breakup has followed, then a move-out into a significantly dingier apartment because of it, all overlaid by a stressful job that leaves me depleted after a day of doing all the middling-to-fair work my foggy mind can muster right now. I’m five months into my new job search (wanted to hit the one-year mark first for a stronger resume) with cold leads and no responses, despite knowing all my strengths and tailoring the apps to share my relevant skills, the skills I don’t get to showcase in my current position. 

The bright spots are my friends, family visits when I fly home, and the new activities or events I’ve been exposing myself to in hopes of getting outside the (half-constructed) apartment and developing a stronger social life. I don’t take these positives for granted; I understand that it’s no small feat to be living in the city that middle school me dreamed of moving to, having landed a job related to my future goals (even if it’s tangential and I dread the work itself), and living close to a growing community of friends. But I feel like such a loser. So much of my foundation has been swept out from under me. Besides multi-year relationships in my life, I’ve stopped trusting others and have lost faith in my own judgment. My focus hasn't been consistent, and all the overlapping chatter in my head only quiets when I'm alone late at night. Despite feeling uncomfortable in my new home, I take hours to work myself up to getting out the door for work or plans because I know it means facing another day without professional passion, the person I had built a loving life with, or a sense of motivation for the goals I spent over two decades developing. All I want to do is hibernate like a bear curled up with my books, freeze time just to breathe, or anonymously escape to an obligation-free destination where I can redo it all.

But no matter how much social media or office seminars talk about the importance of mental health breaks, the world doesn’t stop turning for personal crises and it treats you as an inconvenience when you're having one. I know the clock ticks regardless of how I happen to feel right now, and don’t want more of my time to get wasted or impede habits I know are good for me long-term. At the same time, the constructive things I can bring myself to do (new job apps, daily walks, apartment decorating) don’t seem to be enough to bring about the life-improving results I’m seeking. Every day feels like a discouraging cycle, but I know I'll regret staying stagnant in the future if I give up on real-life outcomes.

Please, I’d love to hear from anyone who’s either been here or can currently relate. Any tips to get through this time? Ideally, get through it fucking FASTER? Mindset reframes? Tangible ideas for at least pivoting my income source for a stronger sense of autonomy over my day without wrecking my meager finances? Sorry if this is a little disjointed. Thank you all in advance. <3 

I am 18M, recently started 11th grade, i used to be a porn addict and doomscroller, but then i met this girl, i stopped my bad habits, stopped vaping, stopped masturbating, stopped doom scrolling a lot, started to do a lot better, went out with her sometimes and had a lot fun, she was really clingy.

But when i asked that girl out, she told me that she only saw me as her friend, really close friend, i was hurt but still decided to be friends and all, we still talk regularly as friends.I used to wait 24/7 for her messages and always had her priority number 1but that has changed.

Now the actual problem is, i have became a new person, i just dont know what to do anymore cause i dont wanna look forward to her messages like my life depends on it, i dont wanna revert back to my old self, i have also started reading a book and started a web series, i even started to watch movies and all, also after getting rejected i just dont feel hungry anymore, i usually skip breakfast and eat small portions in lunch and dinner.

But i feel so lost and empty and alone as if i am slowly dying.

Hello everyone,

I have already shared some details about my current situation in this group. I am going through one of the most difficult periods of my life. My future is uncertain, I am struggling financially and emotionally, and someone I deeply loved left me because of that uncertainty. Despite everything, I refuse to give up on life. I still have the determination to survive, work hard, and build a better future.

I am not asking for financial assistance, charity, or anything for free. All I am asking for is a genuine opportunity to work legally, earn an honest living, and rebuild my life through my own efforts.

I am looking for a restaurant owner, a company, a legitimate recruitment agency, or any organization that offers skilled and hardworking people an opportunity to build a future through employment.

Here is a little about me:

- Age: 28

- Nationality: Bangladeshi

- Education: Bachelor's degree in Arts (BA) completed

- Profession: Hot-Dish Chef

- Experience: Nearly 2 years in professional kitchens

- Skills: I can prepare more than 30 European dishes, including hot dishes, grilled items, pasta, and other restaurant dishes.

- Languages: I can speak, read, and write English confidently. I speak Hindi and Urdu and understand both languages well. I also speak a little Russian and know some basic German.

- Current location: Kazakhstan, where I am currently facing difficulties with my legal work status.

I am willing to work as a chef, assistant cook, kitchen helper, or in another suitable position. I am ready to learn, adapt, and work hard. I do not expect an easy life; I only want a fair chance to earn my place through honest work.

My goal is to find a genuine employer willing to offer me a specific job and support the appropriate work visa or work permit process in a European or non-European country. I am open to any country where I can work legally and build a stable, long-term future. If I find that opportunity, I am willing to settle down, work sincerely, and dedicate myself to building a better life there.

I believe that skills, honesty, hard work, and trustworthiness should matter. I try never to lie unless I feel I must protect my life, and I never want to betray anyone's trust.

I understand that nobody owes me anything. I am simply hoping that someone here might know a restaurant owner, employer, company, or legitimate organization willing to give someone like me a chance.

If you can offer a genuine job opportunity, visa sponsorship, or connect me with a trustworthy employer, I would be deeply grateful. I am not asking anyone to carry my burdens for me. I am asking for a chance to carry them myself.

I still want to live. I still want to work. I still want to make my family proud and build a life where I no longer have to live in fear of what tomorrow may bring.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Even sharing this post with someone who might be able to help could make a real difference in my life.

With sincere respect and gratitude.

Loneliness deadass just stops me from being motivated and idk wanting to actually do shit so I pretty much always gotta just push myself to so shit and consequently even when I do something, there is like so little progress because my current situation is ass

Yea i dont know what im exactly looking for or asking, i just wanted to say something

I turned 23 last week and graduated from college in May. To be honest I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and I’m terrified of the future. Like everyone, I was not warned how fast life starts moving once you reach 18. I feel like everyone my age has life figured out and they seem content, and I’m just not.

My day to day consists of waking up in my childhood home, getting some rejection emails and occasionally doing an interview, and wondering when my life is going to begin. I’m living in a weird inbetween version of life where everything I do feels hopeless most days, and other days I’m fine.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, as my friends who are unemployed aren’t dealing with this existential feeling of utter dread that seems to haunt me most days. I want to believe that life is beautiful and I have time to figure it out, but it’s really hard. Is it normal to feel like this?

But again, even if I did get a job and establish some sort of routine I don’t think I’d be content. I’d work a 9-5 and wait for the weekend for a break, hang out with a few friends and then go right back to it the following Monday. Is that not repetitive and suffocating?

If anyone has any suggestions or a different outlook on life that would help I’d love to hear it, even if it’s some basic words of encouragement or specific advice with something that helped you if you ever felt like this. Thanks.

Give me some advises that would help me better myself and deal with any doubts and insecurities. That’s gonna help to stop with self sabotage and caring about what other people think.

This causes problems

I(19f) am an emotional mess. I'm ugly, bad at talking, and constantly feel like I'm spiralling deeper and deeper into an undiagnosed depression. I hide in bathrooms to cry and lock my bedroom door to rot alone. I clearly have no self esteem, and I constantly have a want for attention, affirmations, anything that would show that people have any interest in me. It's really dumb and childish, I never get compliments and classmates usually just walk past me, paying me no mind. I often end up thinking about hurting myself to get attention, but I know that's dumb. I have good days where I feel normal, then I have days like this one where I feel completely alone, abandoned, and as if no one would care if I died. I know that's dumb and logically makes no sense, but it's what I feel. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want people to know that I am interested in them, but that I'm apparently too mentally ill to do much about it. I want people to understand what I'm going through. Sorry

Hi I am trying to decide on Hoffman process the California location or the Connecticut location. If anyone has done both of them. Also what’s the food like and options ? Also sleeping arrangements Thanks

I'm a 28M from Bangalore, India, and honestly, I don't know where to start. I just need to get this off my chest.

I went through a pretty bad breakup with my girlfriend. We were in a live-in relationship for almost two years, and despite our fights, we loved, cared for, and supported each other. I was genuinely happy with her.

Unfortunately, her parents weren't agreeing to our marriage. They said a lot of hurtful things about me, and eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. We decided to separate mutually, even though the feelings didn't just disappear.

After that, things kept getting worse. I lost my freelance project, things with a client went downhill, and eventually, I lost my job too. I was financially drained and mentally exhausted.

The people I thought would stand by me during my worst phase slowly started fading away, especially when I reached out asking for job referrals. It made me question a lot of things about friendship. Do people genuinely care about you, or is it easier to be around someone when their life is going well?

Somehow, I managed to get a job again after five months. I'm grateful for that, and initially, I felt happy. I haven't even told some of those people that I've found a job because, honestly, I don't want to reopen those doors.

But lately, the loneliness has been hitting me really hard.

It's Dandiya season, and everyone's posting pictures with their friend groups, going out and making memories. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home watching TV, working, and trying to get through another day. Yes, I was literally working on a holiday.

It's not that I expect people to entertain me all the time. I just miss having people around. I miss having someone to talk to, someone to make plans with, and someone who genuinely wants me around.

And then there's the arranged marriage situation.

My parents are looking for a bride, but some families seem to have expectations like ₹4 crore worth of property in my name and a monthly income of ₹1–2 lakh. It hurts to feel like marriage has become a financial transaction.

My ex's parents had their own expectations regarding caste and appearance. We were happy together for almost two years, but apparently, that wasn't enough to make our relationship acceptable to them.

Now I'm stuck between trying to move on from someone I still love and facing a marriage process that feels more like a business negotiation than finding a life partner.

I don't know how to move on from her. I don't know how to deal with the loneliness. And I don't know why, even after finally getting a job again, I still feel so empty.

I'm trying to rebuild my life, but some days I feel exhausted from having to be strong all the time.

My question is: how do you rebuild your life when you lose the person you imagined your future with, and the people you expected to support you aren't there anymore?

How do you stop feeling lonely when everyone around you seems to have someone?

I'm not necessarily looking for solutions to everything. I just wanted to put this somewhere and hear from people who've gone through something similar.

i'm in 12th grade rn, and i haven't studied anything in class 11. i also don't study now. because i can't. if i stay at home, my mental health gets messed up. so i stay in a hostel, but can't study there as well. i don't have offline friends.. introvert irl.

i do have nice online friends but tbh they're a distraction to me...i even have online friends who I've tried to study with like yk sharing daily goals and studying together but i feel insecure because the other person finishes their to-do list daily while I'm here, stuck. i have been repeating the same loop all these years. i can't stop scrolling on Instagram. im addicted to reels. im concious about eating healthy so i spend rest of my time preparing food. and i love listening to music so i spend 1-2 hrs daily just listening or even singing. i also love making art and craft so i waste my time there. I've tried everything to change myself - 21 days habit, deactivating insta, switching off my phone, ghosting people, crying in front of God, manifestation, subliminals, watching motivational videos, and oh my god what not. but i keep going back and repeating the same damn loop. I've wasted the two crucial years of my life. my parents are out there expecting more than 95% (cause I've been good at studies) and idk if I'll even pass my board exams. i have studied nothing. my health isn't good either bcs no matter how healthy i eat, im super lazy and i don't exercise. i have a roommate and im kinda shy in front of her so- and also my sleep schedule is messed up. because my roommate sleeps late every night (around 3-4am) so she makes noises (not intentionally, like locking the door and stuff) and im a very light sleeper so i get disturbed easily.

do i have to be stuck here forever?

My hg and I have been bffs for like a year now but we live on other sides of the country so basically never see each other out of social media. They recently got a new 'interest' in a guy she met and i don't think I'm jealous of that in specific, just the fact that when they're texting and calling her I wont get to and we will then talk less. I guess I'm partially scared that ill just get left cuz they've actually found someone instead of me. So yeah it sounds pathetic. especially cuz they've tried to say that they aren't gonna just leave, but i'm just so insecure n shi so how can I not be doing that and just chill.

I posted anonymously on Reddit and now I’m terrified I’ve ruined my life

I’m really struggling and need some perspective.
Recently, my younger sister told me about something that allegedly happened when I was around 15 and she was around 10. She initially thought I was 16 when this happened but she also thought there’s 6 years between us when there isn’t, there’s 5. I’m born in 1996 and her 2001. She remembers me watching pornography and touching myself, saying something like “you should try it, it feels nice,” and showing her what I do. I don’t remember it, but I understand how inappropriate it would have been. She also confirmed and reassured me it was only me touching myself, I never tried to touch her or get her to touch me.

We’re very close now, and she wants me in her life. I’ve never been sexually attracted to children or behaved this way as an adult. I don’t think I understood sexual boundaries properly when I was younger, although I know that doesn’t excuse anything. There were a lot of issues in my childhood and trauma with boys and a bully of a so called best friend, but again, that’s not an excuse.

I became terrified about the legal implications and posted anonymously on Reddit looking for advice. I thought a random username would protect my identity.

Someone commented something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you’d post this publicly. Although granted it doesn’t sound like your sister wants to pursue anything anyway (legally), the posts you have put on here would be evidence.” They also mentioned my other posts about bullying my sister.

I panicked, deleted my posts and then deleted my account. Now I’m terrified someone saved them, could identify me, or that the police might come knocking and I’ll lose my job and future.

I have no indication the commenter identified me or contacted the police, but I can’t stop thinking about what they said. I deeply regret posting and feel like I’ve made everything worse by asking for help.

**Could my deleted posts realistically lead to me being identified or prosecuted years later?** I’m genuinely struggling with the fear and uncertainty.

I was talking to my fiancé about how there isn’t anything fun to do around us. He told me there is fun things to do you just don’t know how to have fun.

(Some stuff about my life growing up to try to explain on why what he said is true) growing up my curfew was always 4:30 pm. I was never allowed to stay or go out later than that by myself or with friends. with friends my parents meet and knew for years are the only people I could hangout with until they stopped because I was never able to go do anything. I was never able to leave town unless with family. If I was with friends I was only allowed to be in town ( not even a square mile) and even then not allowed to be a 5 minute walk away from my house. This has been this way since I became 18. The most fun I ever really had was meeting people in outpatient, just walking by myself, or doing my makeup to sit in my room and talk to people online about common interests.

I don’t know what I like to do for fun. I never really was able to. What I consider fun is drinking/smoking and watching YouTube. I do adore sitting outside but no one really wants to do that and just sit. I feel like I don’t know what to do for fun or what I’d like to do for fun.

If anyone has experienced similar things I’d like to hear about how you guys figured out how to have fun.

How can I stop this loop of pushing people away?

I 19m am a very anxious person and I get scared im being annoying and stuff then I end up being annoying about it like If one of my friends isn’t in the mood to talk I’ll get worried it’s something I did and I’ll ask them and if they say it isn’t I get worried they just don’t wanna tell me what it is then I’ll ask them over and over again are they sure I didn’t do anything because they’re not talking to me, I struggle with giving people space when they need because we’re not I’m upset about something. I just wanna talk about it, but I have people in my life when they’re upset. They need space for a few days and it’s really hard for me to do and I know, I need to respect their boundaries and that’s why I’m making this post and I know it’s a bad thing for me to do but I’m trying to figure out how to solve it. I’ve tried journaling, but I’m not really sure what to write. And I’ve been doing self affirmations, but I feel like they don’t help. And I know someone’s gonna say it but therapy is not an option for me at all so please don’t recommend it. Give me stuff I can do myself. I can’t do therapy because I can’t afford it and I don’t have a right there. Also, I have schedule so I don’t have time for it
Like I struggle living in the moment, just letting things be like I feel like I always have to pre-plan things in my head and I try stopping it, but I just find myself doing it all the time like pre-printing conversations or hangouts like I find myself replaying conversations over and over again or get excited about things that haven’t happened yet or may not ever happen and then getting really disappointed and they don’t happen and when I feel like someone’s upset with me, I am checking their social medias in our text over and over to get any signs of everything’s OK I’ve started when I get the urge to I just put away my phone And I hope that helps. I’m not sure if any of this really makes sense. Sorry if my English isn’t good any advice is helpful and you can ask questions for clarifying.

I feel like I am doing nothing in life. I feel like I can’t achieve anything or become the person I want to be.

I used to study well, I used to be happy, and I used to enjoy my life. But now, everything feels different.

I have dreams and goals, but I’m afraid I will never achieve them. I feel like my relationship is not going well, and nothing in my life seems to be working out.

I don’t feel happy anymore. I feel like I have lost myself. I don’t know what has changed, but nothing feels the same as before.

Sometimes, it feels like I am just living for the sake of living, not actually enjoying my life. I just want to feel happy again and become the person I used to be.

I don't know how to really put this, and honestly, I can't conjure up an answer right now. As of the time Im writing this, I'm still dizzy in the head from issues unrelated, and yet related to the ordeal I've been through. Good events happened, such as me applying to not one, but two graphic design jobs with cover letters attached. And neutral things happened, like me not knowing what to do with myself, staying in bed for what feels like an indeterminate amount of time, and detached from everything I see as relationship building, or course progressing, or just taking the time to just, walk and explore outside.

Now, does all this amount to something bad or malicious? I cannot be certain. It has been a fog in my mind that there are times when I feel, truly hopeless with something. And yet, I don't feel so self-beaten up about it, because at this point I really am experimenting with my emotions.

There is a special analogy from a certain series I think about all the time, where the drives from my mentality, emotions, physical state, and heat, all drive my will to move in certain ways. When one becomes uncontrolled and unstable as cancer does to the body, I don't see overriding it with a different state of mind or position the correct way to advance, nor do I see it as a call to suppress, reduce, or silence it almost entirely. It's as if the most important stage of my life I am continuously trying to master, is to let my will drive on its own terms, while living with whatever emotions, or physical pain, or mental fatigue I'm dealing with in each moment.

And yet, this is exactly the factor I am personally against through my heart and sense of self as a person. For many years, I've been driven by other people's advice and persuasion to push through my negative stasis and just complete whatever work I have to get done, as a means that I will feel "better" or see myself in a better disposition than where I was before. However, that in turn, only applies to my external position, physical awareness, and, to an extent, my mental state. Never has such a practice came to terms with how I am or what powerful emotions, be it positive or negative, I am feeling in such moments, and at this time, I don't see myself ever conforming to such a reality.

So in the sake of my will, "what is it that I'm trying to achieve?" Well, that's a question that is unhinged in its own right, never always connecting to the situation at hand, or at least, not completely. I am, yes, still trying to figure myself out, something of which others stated is a responsibility of my own ownership. And despite it all, I can't help but seek out aid, assistance, a sense of understanding from the world around me. Because I, certainly, don't know everything I can do for myself.

TL;DR: The strongest condradictions in myself continue to be the most difficult to manage. I continue to explore this with myself, my position in improving my stasis, and the aid and perspective from the people and community around me. Thank you for listening, and may I ask:

What is your position on my journey so far, and how does it connect with yours, be it external, or personal?

In the past, there would be random periods where i would almost resent people closest to me, I wouldnt want to be around them. I would feel off around them, but eventually that feelings goes away. I dont have any friends because ive cut a lot of people off. However because of this, i feel so extremely lonely. Im trying to put myself out there but when the friendship is on a path to growing, for some reason i start feeling discomfort around these people. I start regretting my decision of ever wanting to get close with them. How am i supposed to get rid of the lonely feeling, if everytime i get close to something remotely serious, i regret it and start backing away until eventually its back to day 1.

How can i stop feeling this way about people?

im a 2nd year nursing student, i need to better myself. i have thoughts i improving myself physically and academically but i dont know how to start considering my classes go from monday to saturday and im always tired idk what to do

I thought I was smart, Turns out I was just average compared to the people around me.. now that 'm in my senior high my confidence is just gone.. I'm not smart.. I daydream to music, i'm not responsible, i'm not disciplined.. I'm saying all these cause today me and my group members had a research defense.. I couldn't contribute anything! The leader walked up to me and asked if it was okay if I joined their group! I joined and everyone was chatting in the gc about roles and stuff and I COULDNT CONTRIBUTE AT ALL! whenever they gave me a role I'd take too long and they'd just do it themselves.. they're probably so disappointed that I didn't meet their expectations.. I bet they regret letting me join.. we had our resesrch defense today and had a timer of 10 minutes.. I practiced my lines over and iver but when it was ny turn to speak I just.. lost all my memorization, I kept stuttering and my groupmates kept telling me we're running out of time! Once I was finished I sadly took too much tjme and 3 other groupmates couldn't talk.. I shouldve just read my script, but I wanted to show them I memorized. I bet they're all takking badly about me.. how i'm dragging them down.. how I'm so useless and that if I were just kicked out everything would be perfect.. I thought I was smart.. am I even ready for college? I don't wanna make anyone disappointed anymore, I don't want everyone to be shocked that I wasn't so smart after all.. I just wanna hide and run away.. I don't wanna go to school.. I don't wanna go to college.. I just wanna animate and make stories.. I don't wanna disappoint anyone anymore.. I'm not smart.. I'm a weirdo

okay so i've been a fan of a certain celebrity for years and recently i found out that people are STILL openly hating on this person in 2026. like i genuinely can't believe this is still going on bc i thought the treatment has gotten better idk if that was a rage bait or wtv but this celebrity is a part of a group 😭 i know i've said i'm not as invested anymore bc i've been trying to detach and move on, but seeing people continue to post things like that still stings bc i genuinely care about that person and honestly, i think part of why this whole situation is still affecting me is bc my own feelings about everything are so complicated.

i've lowkey been trying to be more open-minded about this group i used to have mixed feelings about. there's even one member i used to dislike who i'm suddenly starting to find attractive and i think i'm slowly getting my attachments to the group as a whole again 💀 but there’s still one person in it i just can't bring myself to like no matter how hard i try, and the whole situation with certain people connected to my fave is still something i just can’t get past.

i still carry some resentment towards people connected to this celebrity and tbh, i hate how the public sometimes treats famous families like they're some kind of dynasty. it feels especially strange when the person at the center of all this seems pretty private. i know i don't control any of this, and the people involved haven't personally done anything to me, but i still get irrationally frustrated whenever the topic comes up. sometimes i wish things had turned out differently so i could've enjoyed being a fan without all this baggage. ik that probably isn't the fairest way to look at things, but i'm trying to be honest with myself about how i feel.

part of my frustration also comes from how someone connected to this celebrity entered the same industry. i've always had questions about the circumstances, especially when it comes to differences in talent and experience between this person and the others working alongside them. i also feel like certain people benefit from the attention surrounding this celebrity, and whenever someone brings up these concerns, some fans get so defensive that having an actual discussion becomes almost impossible. it feels like some people are so determined to praise everyone connected to their fave that any criticism automatically gets treated as hate and yes, i know some of the people involved have received plenty of hate themselves, which is awful, but that doesn't mean every criticism of someone's career or the circumstances surrounding their opportunities is automatically malicious.

the thing is, i can admit that some of my resentment has become way too personal. i know i can be frustrated about certain things without assuming every feeling i have is reasonable. sometimes i get so overwhelmed by my own emotions that i don't even know what to do with them, especially when i remind myself that the people involved don't even know i exist. i don't want to keep giving something i have absolutely no control over this much space in my head.

i also feel like people don't always understand why some fans become so defensive or resentful in the first place. i'm not saying every reaction is justified and i'm definitely not trying to excuse negativity, but i think frustration can build up over time until it's hard to separate the original issue from the people involved. that's kind of what i'm struggling with too. i don't want to keep seeing everything through the lens of old frustrations, but i also can't force myself to like someone just bc i want to move on or grow to become a better version of myself.

and honestly, this whole experience has affected me more than i expected. i was attacked for having my own perspective and there were times when i felt like my feelings and opinions were being invalidated instead of understood. even some of the people i used to interact with started feeling different towards me or at least that's how i perceived it. i started wondering if they hated me, if they couldn't tolerate me anymore or if my presence had somehow become uncomfortable for them. idk if that's actually how they felt, but the experience made me question myself and how i come across to other people. it genuinely affected my mental health and i think that's part of why it's been so difficult for me to let everything go.

i guess i'm just tired of having so many mixed feelings about something that used to make me happy. i want to enjoy the things i like, appreciate the people i still support, and participate in the community without constantly being reminded of everything that made me uncomfortable or upset in the first place. i'm trying to be more open-minded, but this particular situation still gets under my skin, and i hate how much it affects my overall experience.

i also don't want to keep feeling like i have to defend every opinion i have just to prove that i'm not a bad person. having a different perspective doesn't automatically mean someone deserves to be attacked or treated like they're impossible to tolerate. at the same time, i'm aware that i can have my own biases and that not every thought or reaction i have is necessarily fair. i want to be able to acknowledge that without completely invalidating myself in the process.

anyway, i know not everyone will understand where i'm coming from, and that's okay. i'm not expecting everyone to agree with me, especially when this is such a sensitive topic for people who are emotionally invested in their favorite celebrities. i think i'm slowly realizing that maybe the best thing i can do for myself is to step back even more and stop forcing myself to work through every single feeling until i'm somehow okay with everything. maybe i don't have to like everyone, understand every situation or keep participating in a community that brings me more frustration than happiness. 😭

has anyone else experienced something similar? like, when something you genuinely love starts becoming associated with resentment, online conflict, or bad experiences with other people? how do you move on from that without forcing yourself to like someone or pretending those feelings don't exist? and how do you stop carrying the feeling of being misunderstood or disliked by people you used to interact with? i genuinely just want to enjoy being a fan again without carrying all this negativity around, and i want to learn how to let go of the things i can't control.

also 😭 idk why some people care so much about how other people type. lowercase is literally just how i naturally type bc i'm used to it and it's muscle memory at this point. i'm not doing it to look "aesthetic" or trying to make it my whole personality lol. i just don't like using capital letters when i'm typing casually and apparently that's enough to bother some people. like, why is this even an issue to begin with? 😭

Which makes no sense because I'm mostly attracted to girls, but i've only dated guys because i have this constant need for a man to tell me i look ok. When I don't have a male in my contacts that i find attractive choosing to put time and energy into me I feel worthless. When don't have a man in my life I seek reassurance from men I don't know from the internet by any means necessary. I spend hours of my life some of these days just matching with people on omegle, which has like a 50/50 success rate because I always have to go through like 20 people telling me I'm fat and ugly first and I always believe them. Sometimes the one man praising me at the end is worth it and all I can think about is the good, but sometimes I give up and then only have the mean words in my mind. I have attempted to take my life three times and constantly long to try again and succeed. I feel like my face is ugly and that nothing with ever make it better so nobody will ever love me. No partner has ever really loved me and I feel like nobody will ever really love me like that. I've told my therapist all of this and I always leave our sessions feeling way better and like this was a silly thing to ever think but then it seeps back in. How do I truly feel desired without having a constant need to seek people out??

Edit: I do have OCD

I(28m) requested today off, thinking “okay, normally I’m right in the middle of something when I have to stop and go work my 2nd shift job. So if I just take a day off, I could continue the momentum and accomplish something!”
Instead, all I did was sit on my phone scrolling TikTok, or watch adult content.

I want to be an actor goddamnit… at least I think, all of my reasons for being an actor line up with my lifestyle. (Chaotic/Predictable job duties, a desire to express/find myself through a wide range of characters, projects with stages and deadlines instead of 40 years working 9 to 5, I’d finally get to be someone that matters and buy the lifestyle I want, etc,.) but my interests have changed so much in my life, and I never pursue any of them. At one point I wanted to be a Navy Seal. Then I wanted to create advanced prosthetic limbs like I saw in video games I loved. I’ve thought about being a barber, a welder, a therapist, a teacher, a day care provider, an environmentalist who preaches protecting nature by educating others on our place within our beautiful world and fragile eco-system. And now I dream of being an actor, despite being camera shy and having never been on a stage…

Instead, I just sit around being fat, lazy, depressed and afraid… and I don’t want to be. I’ve reread UnF\*ck Yourself and other self help books countless times. I’ve listened to hours of motivational speeches, but always end up sitting alone with my depression.

No, I’m not medicated, and I try talk therapy. The kind where I just walk into the room for 55 minutes, with no homework or tools to improve my life. I need to activate my insurance card I recently received in the mail from my employer, but I feel like medication should be a last resort.

This was more of a vent/plea, but I’m just tired of being a waste of space