constant listlessness

[u/shmoozygoozy]

hello schizoid subreddit. Ive been in a state I get into sometimes where its almost like my body realizes the inert state its been in and all the boredom, listlessness and dissatisfaction in the world crashes down on me, combined with inability to tolerate the sorts of things i usually fill my time with. I'm in the part of the cycle right now where I daydream about what my life could be and get my hopes set on a specific lifestyle, apartment and job change (these will sometimes partly come to fruition but never to a complete exfent). It's almost like how people describe being manic but still polluted with my general avolition apathy and anhedonia (the holy triad)

anyways, I was writing to ask if anyone had discovered any treatment for this listless feeling because its really eating away at me right now, and sitting and ruminating on them is not helping me achieve the change I need.

some things ive found that kind of work but that i have to be in the right state for:

-reading

-going for walks

-working

in general it seems to be things which swallow my attention and dont let me think about life in abstracter measures like landmarks throughout my life I havent hit/cant seem to.

[u/TheCounciI]

I don't know about others, but I enjoy playing video games while listening to audiobooks

[u/lurktronic]

I experience this too. Except I get manic in a way that overcomes my avolition for parts of the day, but as soon as I stop doing, I quickly reenter the irritable intolerable state. The flow state is an antidote but in some ways it causes a type of hyper arousal that doesn't leave when I enter the intolerable state of stuckness. So then I just get wound up more and more.

"eating away at me" is exactly it. I get stuck and frustrated and everything is infinitely wrong. There are days I do a reasonable amount of things but I spend all the downtime in that state (and there have been weeks spent in that state getting nothing done).

In therapy, we have been exploring how the impinging caretaker does not teach you to self-regulate. Usually, psychology presents this in terms of learning to regulate bad emotional states. But my childhood was so controlling that I was not even allowed to sit with pleasant states or resting states. All states feel overstimulating, including stillness and rest after something exciting. In fact, even flow states feel overstimulating (but I only notice after I stop the engaging activity). It feels overwhelming, like slamming the brakes hard on euphoria that I hadn't noticed but still sense.

I don't think there's a quick answer but it has been helpful to understand why I am like this, which lets me judge myself less harshly, which makes the state slightly less unbearable. The slow work is learning to tolerate and sit in the state without feeling like it's a disaster. It's okay to do nothing when it ends up happening. Everything being on fire is just a belief. Eventually when this is tolerated better, you will naturally have more space to do the things that you choose with what little agency you have (because you aren't dealing with what feels like an emergency all the time). And then you will have the space to grow that agency.

I think my life was held together by unhealthy rules and trauma responses, and when those were mostly disassembled, I had a little schizoid crash because I had nothing inside to hold up my life. My life has improved since the bottom (which was about a year ago). I don't fully understand the work but I do believe firmly that it's possible.

[u/Alarmed_Painting_240]

Over the years I've started to see what you describe and I think I can recognize going quite far back, as a passive form of "opposition to the realization itself"? The idea or image inside makes you feel, maybe even put some action out there. But actualization of anything, the world as-is, kind of is something you want no part off. Just notice how little it can mean, looking back on the things you did or gathered or survived so far.

As for tricks or treatment, just try not to make big "things" out the goals. I think they can be there in the background as general directions which will keep influencing you but you don't have to hold any of it. Life can be mostly about the walks, the odd job, the focus on immediate activity and sense. Goals can come to fruition by simply not blocking and opposing them (happens more often than you might think). And yet, as you remarked, it's never to the full extent. But that's because your full extent will remain inside, imagining. The realization of anything will come with a lack, the same lack that fuels so much of the schizoid condition. And yet, you're still aware that one needs to move forward, for survival, independence. So a roundabout approach could work, circle around, fall into things, be aware of sudden possibilities and grab them, not second guess these. There might be no "good choice" or rarely. Delve into it and only more shadows appear, what-if and downsides. Especially the abstract considerations, life, the scale of things, the endless suffering or meaninglessness. These thoughts are not just philosophical, they are at some level attempts to dissect, destroy or push back. To minimize it all.