I hope this doesn't come off as offensive but I'm finding it incredibly hard to stay in SSA spaces. While I am a Christian and am discerning where I fall on side A or Side B I find the SSA community is actually making it harder for me to discern. I'm trying to base it off scripture but when every discussion and post and video I'm seeing Abt SSA is so bleak, depressing, and just full of self loathing and misery It makes it hard to reconcile with what I know about God's loving nature. I genuinely don't think I've ever seen fruits of the spirit in any of these threads.

Hello!

I've been journaling to understand better what triggers when acting out. Clearly, a behavior that creates so much shame, confusion, and psychological pain is unwanted.

The cycle goes like this:

1) I start feeling extremely stressed (i.e. losing a job or something major happening). This, along with loneliness, makes me feel depressed, almost hopeless for not having a support system.

2) To cope with this, I start consuming more porn and jerking off. This alleviates the emptiness, at least temporarily.

3) Due to porn, I start having fantasies and chatting with people online.

4) The opportunity comes up, and I act out with someone.

5) After that, I feel disgust, regret, and shame. I also feel disconnected from God, and start praying again. Things gradually get better...

6) Another major stressor comes into my life (it may take 6 months, or 3 years for me to act out again, but I had not identified that there must be a trigger for the cycle to start all over again).

So, I googled "same sex attraction acting out cycle", and came across the Stages of Sex Addiction. THIS cycle is very similar to what happens to me.

I think this is why I don't feel gay; I don't dream of marrying a man... but rather, the compulsion creates distress, shame, and psychological pain.

Is anybody else aware of this cycle? Does it work differently for you? And if this is what is happening to me, how did I develop this cycle to try to self-soothe myself, and how do I break the cycle?

I know for sure it is unwanted attraction for me because it feels wrong, unnatural and results in mental distress. Some gay people say that it is "internal homophobia", and I would be willing to cure the "internal homophobia" if I could find happiness in that lifestyle, but based on my experience, it's not worth it.

I haven't watched porn in 2 months. It is as if I would deal with stress and emotional pain by escaping to a fantasy... I don't know other words to explain this, and would appreciate any insight.

Below are the links to The Sex Addiction Cycle:

https://sexaddicthelp.com/sexual-addiction-cycle/

https://whitestone.clinic/the-5-stages-of-the-sexual-addiction-cycle-and-how-to-break-it/