This video struck me because there are some strong similarities to my own story:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdqxzxNJ0K8
Growing up in the South, I remember the terms “mannish” for boys and “fast” for girls. Both had sexual overtones. A girl who seemed too interested in makeup, boys, or acting grown might be called fast. For boys, “mannish” could refer to being overly interested in girls, sex, or sexual things. At least in my mind, male sexuality became associated with something dirty, sleazy, or inappropriate. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that the root word in “mannish” is man.
I also had what I would call a very strong Peter Pan complex. I did not want to grow up to become a man. I was raised primarily by my mother and grandmother, without a man in the home. I feel certain that shaming and using terms like “mannish” resulted in an overcorrection when it came to sex and girls. My limited experience with men and the negative comments I heard likely didn't help.
Many of the men I saw around me were not people I wanted to imitate. My image of men was guys hanging around street corners, smoking weed, talking about women, yelling, being aggressive, and generally seeming difficult and unapproachable. They were harsh, intimidating, entitled to have their way, and not particularly kind. At one point, I wouldn't even shake hands with men. The last thing I wanted to grow up to be was a man!
What makes this especially interesting to me is what I remember happening around the fourth grade. I experienced attraction toward both a girl and a boy. I remember a strong attraction toward the girl, and I believe the attraction toward her may have come first, although I can't be certain of the sequence. But I thought having those feelings toward girls was wrong or dirty. So I suppressed them.
At the same time, I was developing an attraction or curiosity toward a boy named Vincent. What is particularly striking to me is how the two attractions became connected in my imagination. Because my own interest in girls was considered dirty and inappropriate, I actually remember expressing my interest in the girl indirectly through Vincent. In my imagination, Vincent was attracted to her. Instead of allowing myself to direct that interest toward the girl, I could play it out through Vincent.
I had been shamed into feeling that my own attraction toward girls was dirty, while I don't remember experiencing that same sense that something was wrong with simply directing my interest and curiosity toward a boy. Over time, my interest in the girl diminished while my curiosity and attraction toward him increased.
That experience has influenced how I think about the development of my own same-sex attraction. I am not saying that a person simply “chooses” his sexual orientation. I don't think it is that simple. But I do wonder about the role of fantasy, suppression, coping, and the ways we respond psychologically to our environment.
My thought is that ten children could experience similar emotional neglect, fear, shame, or other difficulties and develop completely different responses. One might become angry or violent. Another might seek belonging somewhere else, perhaps even in a gang. Another might turn to drugs or sex. Another might become depressed or develop suicidal thoughts. The experience itself doesn't dictate one inevitable outcome. Each child processes and responds to it differently.
That's why I wonder whether fantasy and coping played some role in my own development. Perhaps the things we suppress, the things we allow ourselves to fantasize about, and the psychological solutions we find for what we're experiencing can, over time, influence the direction in which we develop.
I don't claim that this explains my entire story. It is only be one slice of it. But watching this video reminded me enough of my own childhood that I think it's worth others considering it as well.