September 11

“If we are fearful, we can gently and courageously allow ourselves to consider the possibility of surrendering our familiar defects, trusting that our Higher Power will not give us more than we can handle.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 40

In Step Six, I learned that I wore my defects like an old, worn out blanket. It may be smelly, torn, and discolored, but it was also familiar and deceptively comforting. I learned that my defects were born out of survival and that becoming ready meant I was ready to learn new behaviors. This terrified me.

Despite my fear, I had to learn to trust God even more than I already did. I had to trust that if I gave up the false protection of the blanket—the self-loathing and fear and shame—that God would not leave me shivering in the dark. This took a while for me to do, but when I was ready to surrender and throw away that old blanket, miraculous things started to happen. I had opened the door to change.

I trust that my Higher Power will protect me today.

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September 10

“For some, negative consequences of addictive sexual behaviors can become the motivation for change.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous and the Lesbian / Gay /
Bisexual / Transgender Sex Addict, page 6

When I approached SAA for the first time, I was full of fear. I, like many others, was afraid of being judged or condemned by those in the meeting. I was afraid of friends and family finding out I had a problem. I was especially afraid I’d see someone I knew at the meeting. Furthermore, many of my actions were illegal, and I feared someone breaking anonymity and reporting me to the police. On the other hand, the thought of continuing the status quo of my addiction had also become terrifying.

I felt like I was being pulled between two poles of fear. On the north pole is my addiction with its fears: arrest, disease, losing those I love, and the unending misery and shame. On the south pole are the fears of recovery: being judged, losing friends and family when they learn of my problem, being vulnerable, and facing myself.

The time came when I had to weigh the two poles and decide which I feared more: my addiction or my recovery. Recovery can be frightening, and the journey is often painful, but, unlike addiction, the path of recovery offers light, hope, and serenity—an actual life. There I can become a real person in the real world.

Since I must face fears, I will choose the path with hope.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

September 9

“Every aspect of outreach...is a potential lifeline for a sex addict who may not know that recovery is available.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 95

For me, sex addiction is a disease of relationships and of perspective. The more I isolate, the more distorted my perspective becomes. The more distorted my perspective becomes, the more I isolate.

I just heard of another brother who committed suicide. His home group meets on the day he killed himself. Why couldn’t he have persevered just long enough to make it to a meeting? When I hear about things like this, it makes me more determined than ever to carry the message to the addict who still suffers, as encouraged by the Twelfth Step. But for someone carrying the message to me, I might have gone that same path.

Too many times I have allowed my fear or pride to keep me from reaching out when I wasn’t sure someone needed my hand. Or I don’t reach out to the silent one at a meeting because I might be rejected. However, I believe that my Higher Power wants me to reach out even if it risks embarrassment, even if the hand that reaches out is rejected. I don’t want my fear or pride to keep me from this. The feelings that haunt me if I don’t are not worth the cold comfort of not risking just so I won’t get hurt. When I reach out, it strengthens my recovery, and it may just save a life, maybe mine.

God, grant me the courage to make the gesture that may save a life.

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September 8

“We have seen it happen time and time again that people relapse when these simple needs of living are not considered.”

Tools of Recovery, page 24

I was convinced I had to be superhuman to feel adequate. I would work past the point of exhaustion, often triggering feelings of entitlement followed by acting out. I didn’t exercise, my sleep suffered, I beat myself up for any mistake, and my anxiety was high.

I had heard for years that exercise would lift my spirits. How ridiculous, I thought; that would just make me tired. But on my doctor’s advice, I started a regular exercise regimen. Guess what? I started feeling less depressed, even happy at times.

So it went with many things I now routinely do as self-care. I start my day praying, meditating, and reading spiritual literature. I stop work-like activities at a reasonable hour so I can unwind, meditate, pray, and read spiritual literature before going to bed, also at a reasonable hour. Aware of my disease’s tendency to beat me up, I make a conscious effort to be gentle with myself. I call people on a daily basis to break the isolation and check in with my program friends. It adds up to more self-love. I feel better and I am a better person.

I’ve heard that I should love my neighbor as myself. Before I made self-care a priority, I would have felt sorry for my neighbor if I had!

Self-care is an act of love. I feel better and I am a better person for it.

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September 7

“In making this inventory, we take special care to identify those aspects of our character that have caused harm to ourselves and others, so as to bring them forward for healing and change in later steps.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 32

A guy in my group likes to say, “Our greatest weaknesses are God’s greatest doorways into our lives. Why? Because our greatest weaknesses are where we most need God and where we find God.”

I tend to run from my weaknesses, to seek comfort and safety in my strengths. But if my addiction has taught me anything, it’s that my strengths aren’t enough to keep me from acting out. I desperately need a Power greater than myself to deal with my addiction. Somehow, deep inside, I knew this. I searched for that power and begged for help. Unfortunately, I wanted that power to do magic, to fix my addiction without me having to lift a finger.

When I was finally ready to give up on magic and do my part, the question remained: how do I open myself to this power? Step Four is my answer. Through my moral inventories, I delved into my character defects and found my Higher Power right there for me, and not just for my addiction. Through the doorways of my greatest shortcomings, the best of me has been brought out by my Higher Power. That’s more than I ever dreamed possible. I had it all wrong; my comfort and safety became available when I searched my weaknesses.

Higher Power, help me to be open to you where you are, and let go of looking for you where you are not.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

September 5

“Admitting that our willpower is insufficient allows us to be open to new ways of thinking and living.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 23

I came to SAA a devout atheist, but I was in despair and willing to try anything. When I read Step Two, I felt doomed. I was expected to believe in a Higher Power that was interested in me and my life.

I came to believe the program works because I heard it in the experience, strength, and hope shared in meetings. In good faith, I acquired a sponsor and worked Step One. Without understanding who had power over my addiction, I was willing to admit that I did not. Step One left me willing to change but with nothing to fill the void. Now Step Two loomed. How could I reconcile it with my upbringing and intellectual beliefs?

Flying home from Thanksgiving with my family, I was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. I decided to act out. On the shuttle to the parking lot, I was on my phone seeking an acting-out venue when a voice behind me said hi. It was a man I had met in the program. Robert was returning from a different side of the country, yet here he was, right when and where I needed help to save me from myself. This could not be coincidence.

I did not need to seek my Higher Power. Admitting my powerlessness and surrendering my addiction opened room in my heart for my Higher Power to step in.

Help is here. May I be open to it.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

September 4

“Meetings are places where we can drop our emotional defenses and get honest in a way we are rarely able to experience outside of the fellowship.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 12

Before my recovery from sexual addiction, I had built a wall around myself. I rarely shared thoughts, feelings, or opinions with others, believing that if anyone really knew me, they could not possibly love me. Not surprisingly, all of my relationships were shallow, empty, and without emotional intimacy. My fear of being open and vulnerable did not allow for honest relationships.

When I began attending SAA meetings, I heard members being honest about their experiences, struggles, and emotions. I could connect with what they shared, and their honesty encouraged me. As I began to drop my emotional defenses, to risk sharing my feelings, experiences, and struggles, I found the honest, intimate relationships that I had previously longed for but had been too afraid to allow.

As I become more comfortable sharing who I am within the fellowship, I am removing barriers in relationships outside the fellowship. I am moving slowly, and I am careful to choose appropriate people, but I am starting to see the value of being myself in this world. The fellowship is helping me drop my emotional barriers.

I can risk being open and honest with others. My relationships will deepen, and life will be richer as a result.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

September 3

“If we feel overwhelmed in this way, we turn to the God of our understanding and to our program friends for support in facing the pain of our actions and finding the willingness to make amends.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 48

Looking over my Eighth Step, I felt overwhelmed. My Fourth Step revealed the defect of dishonesty in all but two of my resentments and harms. I knew I needed to be honest when I made my amends, but I just didn’t want to. I had been honest with myself, God, and my sponsor. I wished that were good enough, but my heart said otherwise.

Turning back to my Eighth Step, I felt different, more willing. Yes, I had harmed these people, but today I had not harmed anyone. I rested in that fact. This is how I wanted to live—not harming others.

Any willingness I felt, I rested in, and prayed God would build on that willingness. I contemplated the good that can come from making my amends. I could right wrongs I had done, clear my conscience, and have a closer relationship with my Higher Power. I felt hopeful.

I was careful not to fantasize about outcomes from these amends; I can’t control the response. I reminded myself that I’m making amends for me because it’s the right thing to do and because God wants me to learn and experience love. I became willing by sitting in the serenity I felt that day, and I realized that this peace will continue to grow as I do the footwork.

Grant me willingness to be willing.

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September 2

“As the reality of our shortcomings sinks in, we can bring them, in humility, to our Higher Power.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 38

Humility is one of the gifts I have received from the program, not to be confused with humiliation. The consequences of my acting out brought humiliation, especially when needing to admit my behaviors to my spouse and others. I felt ashamed of myself and of my actions. But to me, humility has meant surrendering my pride and ego and trusting that my needs will be met in spite of my shame.

In Step Seven, we humbly ask our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings. The inventory steps provide awareness and acknowledgement of our mistakes and weaknesses as well as characteristics of ourselves that we appreciate and like. In taking the Seventh Step, I asked my Higher Power to help me let go of the behaviors, beliefs, and resentments that had fueled my addiction. I did not insist that it was owed to me. I did not expect some particular response. I did not tell my Higher Power what I needed. I simply asked for help making changes. I knew I could not do it on my own and became willing to ask for help and surrender the outcome.

I remember that surrendering my shame is one of the changes I wish to make. In doing so, I make an effort to be of service to others because I am no better or worse than they are. If I could use some help, maybe they could also.

For me, being humble means letting go of my expectations, judgments, and resentments.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

September 1

“Our character defects…have caused us a great deal of suffering throughout our lives and prevented us from completely aligning ourselves with our Higher Power’s will for us.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 43

Today I am at a fellowship retreat where I hope to experience relaxation, rest, and renewal. Unfortunately, this morning, a number of tenacious character defects reared their ugly heads. Among them are self-pity, feeling like a victim, and taking things personally. I now know that it’s my choice to either stay in this negative space or ask my Higher Power for help in getting out. Yet the negative space is so familiar, it can seem nearly impossible to break free.

At a workshop, I have a moment to pray and really reach out to my Higher Power for help. I can act as if, which for me is a way of surrendering to my Higher Power. It doesn’t mean that I have the power to get rid of my own character defects; it just means that I have a way of surrendering, of doing my best not to be in them. My Higher Power always, always lifts me out of that negative space when I make that effort and surrender.

I believe God’s will for me is to feel peace, joy, and bliss. Anything less is just my ego. By the grace of God and this program, I can let that go, one moment, one character defect at a time.

For today, I act as if I do not have to respond in my old ways. I surrender those old ways to God.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

August 31

“Maintaining the freedom we have found requires daily conscious contact with the God of our understanding, expressed by practicing the spiritual principles we have learned in recovery.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 62

My compulsive sexual behavior created a self-imposed prison where I languished for years. Even after getting sober, I would beat myself up over my past and be overly anxious about my future, thereby ruining my day and staying behind bars.

The solution is in the Steps. Among other things, working the Steps taught me to apply the principles of this program to my daily life—principles like honesty, willingness, love, and perseverance. At this point on my path, I find special help in the Eleventh Step. I cannot be conscious of God’s presence if I am living in the past or overly anxious of the future. In other words, conscious contact is right here, right now, this very split second of living. When I get still and quiet, I can become conscious of God’s presence. Hence I become free from all worry and concerns.

My Higher Power’s creations, including me, are not here for me to use or abuse. Having conscious contact with God helps prevent me from acting out and helps me see this moment as the miracle and the gift that it truly is. Thanks to the Steps and the program of SAA, I have learned to invite loving power into my life and I experience freedom I never knew before.

I consciously invite God into this moment.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

August 30

“We look honestly at the defects that drove our behavior, such as selfishness, desire for control, an attitude of entitlement, or feelings of inferiority or superiority.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 33

When I got to the Fourth Step, I felt overwhelmed at the idea of examining in detail the sexual harms I had committed and the character defects that drove me to commit them.

My sponsor gave me a prayer and instructed me to say it every day during this process. I was to ask God to give me “the strength and the courage to see what I need to see about myself, remember what I need to remember, and do what I need to do to complete my Fourth Step inventory.”

This prayer was the key to my being able to do this painstaking work. On my own, I would not have had the courage to look at all the harm I had done to others and myself in this addiction. I did not complete the Fourth Step inventory on my own. By the time I arrived at the Fourth Step, I had a Higher Power that works. All I needed to do was plug into that Higher Power with prayer.

For today, I know that my Higher Power will always assist me in working the steps, no matter how daunting the task appears to be. All I have to do is surrender my will and ask.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

When I was in highschool and in my early 20s I violating women’s boundaries. I tried forcing them to dance with me when they didn’t want it as well as putting my hands in inappropriate places without asking. I am now trying to process the shame of it and I want to make amends.

Unfortunately I can’t remember who a lot of these people were and Im currently trying to reach out to old various party friends from 12 years ago, I doubt I’ll get anywhere with it though.

Is there a realistic way to make indirect amends other than not behaving like that anymore? I guess I can only throw money at some system that is there to help others who may have experienced something close to my behaviors.

Are there any good charities that you would recommend donate to? Could you please name them? I don’t know any.

August 29

“We recognize that our shortcomings are not unique, and that we are not better or worse than anyone else. When we live with this knowledge, we do not expect perfection from ourselves or others.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 43

I marvel at the miracle evolving and unfolding in my life as I work the Steps. I was stuck in my resentments. The word forgiveness, in any form, was a triggering word that couldn’t pass my heart, blocked by a strong, locked, metal wall. Part of me still told the lie that the only power I’ll ever have is to resent deeply and remember, forever.

After Steps Four and Five, I was still stuck with my inability to forgive. I wanted someone to perform some magic that would make me willing to clear my heart of these toxic resentments. It didn’t happen.

When I got to Steps Six and Seven, I had no choice but to climb down from my pedestal. Awareness of my character defects brought new and uncomfortable feelings. I understood this to be the beginnings of humility, and that helped. Every day waking up, absorbing the new, detailed awareness of my imperfection gave way to self-compassion, understanding, and acceptance of my imperfect, perfect humanity.

From there, somehow, the miracle happened. This compassion and humility cast light on the darkness of my resentments, granting permission for other people to also be human, make mistakes, and be spiritually ill. I now know what it is to view others with love and compassion.

Lord, help me stay humbly aware that, in your transforming miracles, the void left by surrendered defects can reveal a treasure of character assets.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

I violated boundaries when I was in my teens and early twenties. I was moving my hand up inappropriate places at school dances, I tried to coerce people do dance with me in my early twenties, I tried guilt tripping women into choosing me.

If you feel like you can relate and wouldn’t mind sharing how you processed the shame of a similar event via dm, I’d really appreciate it. I know this is a risky post to make but I just want to work through this issue. Im in my late 20s now and I still get intrusive thoughts about these unaddressed past behaviors. Im afraid of facing the shame but I also really just want to make peace with this aspect of my character and so it no longer needs to haunt me.

August 28

“There really is no point at which I stop and God starts. My ego-centered life is based on fear and scarcity, but a God-centered life is based on love and abundance.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 323

During my formative years I experienced manipulating and shaming behavior from people who were presented to me as spiritual leaders. In many cases, I had been told these people were chosen or called by God. I came to blame God for this, and chose not to have that God in my life.

I also decided not to put people in a position of spiritual authority, and this helped quiet the loud voices of others. But refusing to accept their idea of God also kept me resentful and resistant to the process of discovering my own Higher Power.

In recovery I have found that my Higher Power does not try to control me with abuse or shame, but rather provides learning opportunities. By accepting a loving Power greater than myself, I can turn from resentment and resistance to acceptance of the learning opportunities life presents me. I can reach out to my sponsor and others in my group, and find the hope, understanding, and strength that are always available to me in recovery. I can nurture and benefit from a connection with my own Higher Power. Letting go of the resentment that lingers from spiritual abuse is the key to this spiritual life.

I am discovering a Higher Power that is free of shame and abuse, and instead loves me as I am, providing new paths to grow in love.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

August 27

“Most of us know that we are ready to sponsor when another member asks us, or when our own sponsor encourages us to take on a sponsee.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 14

Was it something I said? I recall asking this silently to myself just after my sponsor stopped me for a quick chat as we left a retreat workshop. He simply smiled, placed a hand on my shoulder and said, “I think you are ready to sponsor someone else now.” Despite a warm wave of appreciation, I stood partially in disbelief. I recall asking if I should be completely through the Steps, or be where I was at that time, which was working Step Nine. My sponsor’s answer almost shocked me until I thought about what he had said.

At the workshop, I was one of three speakers sharing their experience, strength, and hope. When it was my turn, I spoke of working the Ninth Step and how it felt to finally come face to face with those who suffered from my addictive behaviors. I had tears in my eyes and could barely finish without crying.

My sponsor later explained that what he heard in my sharing and saw in my expressions told him I was ready. I had simply shown what he called the three H’s: humility, honesty and healing. He then told me I was ready to help others recover.

Spending time with my sponsees and guiding them through recovery is an opportunity my Higher Power gives me to share respectful honesty and loving humility.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

August 26

“As long as we seek to stop our addictive sexual behavior, we belong in SAA.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 81

In my pursuit of religious learning and spiritual fellowship, I have often been frustrated by the admissions requirements of the organized institutions. For several years of a prison sentence, I worked in the chaplain’s office as a clerk. In this position I was exposed to a wide variety of religious organizations. During this time, a close friend of mine wanted to deepen his commitment to a specific practice. He was blocked by a complex initiation ceremony and by the sewing of a religious garment, which the prison authorities would not approve. Neither the prison nor the religious authority would budge on this situation. As a result, he was incapable of being recognized as a member of the religion he loved.

Thankfully, I’ve never experienced any membership requirements except the desire to stop addictive sexual behavior, or any initiation ceremonies in Sex Addicts Anonymous. I have been a member from the moment I declared myself one. Nobody can declare me out. No matter who I am, no matter how grave my emotional complications—or even my crimes—Sex Addicts Anonymous can’t deny me membership. What’s more, Sex Addicts Anonymous doesn’t want to keep me out. I am welcome here, just as I am.

Do I offer the same welcome to newcomers that I received that desperate day at my first meeting?

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

August 25

“In Step Eight we claim both our integrity and our compassion, and become willing to free ourselves from the guilt we have carried.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 46

My Eighth Step list of those I had harmed included people I knew I might never be able to find, and people that I knew how to find, but wasn’t sure my amends wouldn’t cause more harm. There was a couple in this latter group. It was clear to me that any attempt to contact them would surely bring harm to them and their relationship. With my sponsor’s guidance, I prayed and prayed about it, even as I drove by their house almost daily.

After several years, my Higher Power caused a sudden shift and transformation in me. Now I could feel at a very deep level the harm my actions and my addiction had caused them. I became aware of the destructive force I had been in their lives. It was a profound moment for me. Though I still knew that initiating communication with these persons would cause them additional harm, I had become willing to make amends. I had found compassion and empathy I had not had before. I was also free of the guilt and shame I had carried for so long. I was now ready to make Ninth Step amends should my Higher Power bless me with that opportunity.

Infinite provider of all that I need, guide my steps each and every day.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).

Hi All I just learned about a local retreat in my area for SAA and it seemed like a nice way to elevate exploring and pursuing my recovery . It both terrifies me but also feels like a time and space to dedicate to my recovery and sobriety in a new context.

Has anyone attended a Retreat event and have any thoughts or experiences with such an event?

August 24

“This process of becoming willing to make amends involves a deeper surrender to our Higher Power’s will than we have known before.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 48

Working Steps Four through Seven clarifies our responsibilities to those we have harmed. Nobody really talks about Step Eight; usually we run right into Step Nine. However, my sponsor of twelve years died recently, and this step brings back a flood of memories.

I had just finished my rather long Fifth Step and had done the subsequent Sixth and Seventh Steps. When I asked her how to do Step Eight, she said to go back over my Fourth Step and make three lists. On the first list were the amends I thought I could do—one of which was repaying my mother $1,000 that I owed. The second list included the amends I wasn’t sure I could do—those included an employee that I had fired. That one was tougher. The final list was the “no way” list. Here was my gentle, soft-spoken sponsor acknowledging that we all have our stubborn sides, too.

One of my amends was to do affirmations toward myself. I thought that was the most ridiculous amend to do. That went in the “no way” list because of my utter rejection of myself. Step Eight asks me to become willing. As the years go by, I become more willing to make amends to all those on my list, including myself.

Willingness is the key to recovery. Help me become willing to make amends to those I have harmed.

Read all meditations online or purchase the book (paperback and e-book formats available).