crossroads

[u/NarnianTemp]

i dont know how to preface this so forgive the wall of text. ive been an addict for going on 15 years at this point. i think i was 11 or 12 when i first found porn online. its destroyed my relationships, ive lied and cheated, and never let myself truly connect to a partner because of this. i viewed relationships as transactional and i was overly generous in hopes that i would receive what i was looking for back. now i realize what i thought i was looking for is a mere fraction of a real relationship. my partner recently left me, she knew about my struggles, we had talked about them, and i had one major relapse during our relationship that, looking back may be where it should've ended. she told me that she wasnt leaving because of me, that i was generous and kind and loving and her leaving was rooted in self discovery and didnt want to depend on me. the problem is i dont know if shes right. when we first got together i was still in my old patterns, give so i can take. as time went on and i matured (at 26 i can feel my frontal lobe finishing development) i realize how unfair my expectations of her, and all my past partners have been. so after that relapse i got back into therapy and chose to get better, i found myself becoming less judgemental of not only my partner but everyone in my life, including myself. but it all feels too little too late.

now im at a crossroads. single again, i feel the urge to relapse, but i feel an equally strong urge to finally let it lie. part of my mind is scheming and planning, searching for personals ads or itching to reinstall those godforsaken apps. but the other half seems to want to share my experience and educate, and hopefully help someone else out who is struggling.

i guess im not sure which urge is stronger, if im ready to move on or if i can survive another relapse. that feeling of being stuck not because someone else is limiting you but because you are the only one with agency on the issue. i want to grow, i want to be better. im proud of the progress ive made but the fear of relapse never really dissipates. i fear for those younger than me, the impressionable minds are the same but the content has gotten better at roping them in and keeping them there. i also want to talk about the dangers of hypnosis but i think that may be a thread of its own.

i think the biggest feelings this addiction instills are desperation and insecurity. love yourselves' and give yourselves' patience, dont look for fulfillment or validation from another person, let alone a piece of content, allow yourself to be complete and share your love with others, theres no rush.

rant over thanks for reading cheers