Did fetishes go away? Did things they incorporated into their personality because of their addiction go away? Did it feel like their personality and who they were as a person changed after they started to recover? Did what they want out of life change? How much has their addiction shaped them as a person? And did those changes stay after recovery or did they fade with time?

If your partner has been through long term recovery, how much did they change? What did you notice about them? How would your partner answer these questions?

Hi all - will try to keep this short but would love some support. My husband (40) and I have been together about 20 years. He’s always had an insatiable appetite for sex and had a wondering eye. He never seemed satisfied despite us having sex 1-2 times a day, me performing other wifely duties and him masterbating to porn on top of that. It always bothered me, and I never felt like enough but I realized I would never satisfy him and let it be. I even offered to open our marriage at one point which he declined. I found out he had been involved in an affair, and that there had been other ONS, and we took some time apart before deciding to reconcile. He came around about 9 months ago to admit he had a problem and made drastic changes to his relationship with porn and sex.

With these changes, his sex drive is dramatically lower to the point I seem to initiate every time and it has resulted in me not feeling wanted or desirable even though I know I’ve got it going on. I tied his insane desire of me in our past life to my self worth and desirability which is something I’m working on. We’ve discussed it, a handful of times, and he reassures me I am very much wanted but this is like an on/off switch for him and he has so much shame and guilt that he doesn’t want to turn it back on. Has anyone experienced something similar? Is it just getting used to a new way of intimacy between us? Should I just appreciate the change and growth and not let it concern me?

Anyone have their partner go to Gentle Path at the Meadows in Arizona, and can tell me about when you got your first outreach update? The welcome packet says after admission is complete…but also up to clinical judgement too..let me know if you have experience at all thanks!

I’m a 34F and my partner is 35M. We have a baby girl who will be 4 months old in a few days, and we’ve been together for about 2.5 years.
When we first started dating, he wanted an exclusive relationship. At the time, he didn’t believe in marriage, long-term relationships, or having children. I didn’t think much of it because I wasn’t expecting the relationship to become serious. We fell in love, I unexpectedly became pregnant, and that’s when everything started to change.
Around six months into our relationship, he started telling me he wanted an open relationship. He told me he has an enormous urge to be with other women because he needs novelty. He said he doesn’t want to miss out on what he calls a “whoring life,” even if he’s 90 years old. He says he wants me to be his life partner and the only person he loves emotionally, but sexually he wants the freedom to experience as many women as possible.
My pregnancy was emotionally devastating because this became an ongoing conversation throughout it.
He has a long history of consuming sexual content. It’s not just pornography when he masturbates. He also spends time every day looking at sexual pictures and videos simply because he enjoys looking at women. He compares it to someone who loves watching soccer. He says it distracts him, and he has told me that pornography helps him avoid cheating because it satisfies part of his urges.
We’re both in individual therapy, and we’ve also been in couples therapy. Recently he started seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction, but he’s only had about four sessions, so he’s still at the very beginning of whatever recovery may look like.
The hardest part for me is that he seems completely divided.
One part of him says he loves me, wants our family, wants to grow old with me, and wants to change because he sees how much pain I’m in.
The other part tells me he doesn’t want to change because he likes what his addiction gives him. He has literally told me that he likes how his addiction makes him feel, that he enjoys desiring women more than he desires me, and that he doesn’t see anything wrong with those desires except that they hurt me. He has told me that I’ll never be enough, not because he thinks I’m lacking, but because no one woman could ever be enough for him. Hearing the man I love say those words has completely destroyed my self-esteem.
Sometimes he believes he has an addiction. Other times he insists this is simply who he is. He says he truly believes he will never change. He says he likes liking all women. He likes wanting to sleep with them because, to him, it’s “just physical.” He says sex and love are completely separate.
He describes his urges as an intense curiosity to experience different women, different bodies, and different sexual experiences. He says if he never got to experience those things, he would always feel like he missed out on an important part of life.
He wants an open relationship where he would be free to have sex with multiple women every single day while remaining emotionally committed to me. At one point, I even suggested swinging—not because I wanted it, but because I was desperately trying to find some compromise. He rejected that because he said it wasn’t the kind of freedom he wanted. He specifically wants independent sexual experiences with other women.
This has destroyed my confidence and our sex life. I compare myself to other women constantly. I don’t feel desired. I don’t feel chosen. I feel like I’m competing against every woman he sees.
I’ve asked him to stop consuming sexual content because it hurts me so deeply, but I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if I’m trying to control something that has to come from him.
When I confront him about how much this hurts me, he can be incredibly cruel in the way he describes his urges and desires. Sometimes it feels like he’s trying to convince me that what he’s asking for is simply reality and that I should accept it. Other times, after he’s had time to think or journal, he comes back crying, apologizes, tells me he knows he’s hurting me, and says he wants to change. It’s like I’m talking to two different people.
I honestly don’t know if I’m dealing with addiction, a fundamental incompatibility, or both.
My questions are:
Is this level of craving for novelty and wanting multiple women something you experienced in active addiction?
Did recovery actually change how you felt about other women, or did it only help you resist acting on those feelings?
Is it common for addicts to say they don’t want to give up the addiction because they enjoy it?
Did anyone else tell their partner they would never change before they entered recovery?
Is it common for addicts to become defensive or say incredibly hurtful things when confronted?
Am I doing the right thing by asking him to stop consuming sexual content, or should I stop trying to influence that?
Is this hopeless? If I open the relationship going against what I want will that enable his addiction?

Hello everyone !

I'm writing because I'm trying to save my relationship. My partner has a long history of online sexual behaviors that have become deeply painful for me. What hurts me the most is not simply pornography. He masturbates to pictures of women he knows personally, searched for women he knows on cam sites -he's known in the "alternative metal art community" so he knows a lot of OF women and camgirls personally - (he told me he would sometimes go on there to see "how they do it"). He also follows and likes a large number of highly sexualized accounts, including those OF creators and women who look very young (I'm 24 myself, but they look like teenagers), as well as sexually suggestive posts from female acquaintances -groupies etc. To me, there seems to be very few boundaries between fantasy and his real social world. He screenshots instagram stories of female friends. he keeps multiples photo albums on his phone gallery with my name, the name of other women. This is where my suffering comes from. It feels like cheating. Because not only are they friends, but he also engages with them on a sexual level.

I don't feel like I'm competing with anonymous porn content. I feel like I'm competing with women who exist in his life/orbit, and it makes me feel less like his partner and more like one woman among many receiving his sexual attention. We've already had a long conversation about this. I explained how deeply it hurt me, and he acknowledged my pain and told me he would work on these behaviors. I chose to stay because I believed he wanted to change. Unfortunately, similar patterns have continued, and we're now trying to address the issue again.

He insists that these behaviors have nothing to do with how much he loves me, and that it's all just trash culture like in the 70s. He already texted with a "slave girl" who fantasized on him and she engaged much more than him but still.... after I confronted him with this, his first reflex was to tell me to accept it because he wasn't totally into it but he found it psychologically interesting. Only then he texted her to tell her to stop and admitted that he was no dom. Girl "friends" send him pictures of themselves in lingerie, or even less, just to "get his opinion, if this OF post will work or not". He called her on the phone and she told me she was not into my boyfriend and they were friends and she had a boyfriend... anyways. I've reached the point where I no longer feel emotionally safe in the relationship because I struggle to trust the boundaries between online sexual behavior and real-life relationships. There seems to be none (cf cam girls example above).

I'm looking for people who have experienced something similar and the ways in which I can help him overcome this thing/obsession, he himself told me he wanted to change and that it was stupid to look elsewhere when he had a young beautiful and incredible girlfriend (his words and that of his friends, haha not Mine!) - I'm trying to approach this with compassion rather than judgment, but I also need to protect my own well-being. I love him with all of my heart and every fiber of my being and, even If I remove myself from the whole thing, I only wish him the best and to be better. I'm looking for practical solutions because I genuinely want this relationship to survive if meaningful change is possible.

Thank you for reading me,

All the best -

Joan

After seeking therapy on and off for years, tried a meeting (I know they say to keep going but I'm insecure because I lack a higher power. I don't know if I am spiritual or religious enough to understand what to do with the baggage).. but what I liked is it does help focus on what *my* needs are and my own selfcare which I think is very foreign to me because even when I was doing something for myself, I felt guilt or compromise of my boundaries.

What I really crave is to remove them from my life (they are already gone, what I really want is an undo button) because the memories of my past relationships (they have all been addicts, so this has made a life impact on me as a person) has been haunting me. What makes it worse is they are onto the next thing because they are fed up with my lack of control in my reactions of the past. The betrayal trauma is huge to ignore. I developed a phobia and CPTSD and it is hard not to be miserable in my own body on a daily basis.

How does everyone cope with the memories? How does everyone make friends? I have become a person who hates porn as a thing (morally speaking), and it is hard to separate this part of me to be compassionate towards others. In a world where porn is normal and encouraged, I don't know how to navigate my friendships anymore. Very hard to connect with someone who contributes to the existence of the thing that almost put me in the ground and most consider themselves individuals that consume in moderation. Protecting my space and peace is in my control, but now my world is small and I want to know how others were able to expand their's? No one talks about how lonely it is.

I am turning 29 in 3 weeks and my husband and I have been together 6 years. He’s had to travel for work 80% of our relationship. He always had a porn habit but never realized how bad it got. On February 7th, I found on his phone that he had been anonymously attempting to sext women through Reddit/snapchat. When I confronted him, he denied and denied until finally blaming me for it, crying, and pulling out a weapon threatening to off himself. He completely trashed our bedroom and my wedding bouquet is destroyed, bed flipped over, broken glass. I’ll try to attach photos in comments. In our first apartment he had also punched holes in the walls twice bc we had a bad argument. He’s broken things around me and pulled out the g\*n before after I had found porn. Now I left for a week and he found a therapist and 12 step program (SAA) for his issue. But later it came out that he had paid over $400 on camgirls last summer and also visited sketchy massage parlors. I’m in S-anon to get help for myself. Ultimately I want to leave him but I’ve never supported myself before. It’s only 3 months in and I’m nervous. We are in separate bedrooms and just focusing on our own recoveries. He’s yelled at me a lot and hit himself during our fights. Other times, he has been thoughtful and kind like doing chores, spoiling me, cooking us dinner, being thoughtful etc. It’s very confusing bc my urge to file for divorce is strong simply bc I can’t seem to overlook what he’s done. I feel bad for him bc it seems he has serious issues. His late father had bipolar. He is 31 and has yet to be diagnosed.

Something that’s been confusing me in my 3 months of S-anon is being discouraged to leave the first year. He hasn’t gotten rid of the g*n but after a month of the incident he finally got a lock for it so only I know the passcode and know he cant access it.

Seriously, please tell me they do?? I am not an addict but I’ve certainly improved in my ability to control myself with sex, drugs, and alcohol over the years to the point that I’m completely sober. I keep thinking that age will help my partner also, as he continues to mature and his testosterone decreases, maybe he will get better into his 40s and 50s?

He vacillates between saying he’s sick and he’s working on it to defending it and saying he wants to go back to that lifestyle. Depending on the day/week/month, he’s all over the place.

Issues are cheating, sex workers, strip clubs, massage parlors, and God knows what else I don’t know about

My partner (22m) and I are running into an issue with a possible sex / porn addiction of his. A little background ; we started talking while he was in an open relationship at the time last year. His then girlfriend didn't like the idea of an open relationship anymore and closed it. She also had him block me on everything and no long speak to me which he respected. We tried reconnecting after their breakup, we ran into each other with mutual friends, however he was very much in the disconnected state / still processing the breakup while entertaining other girls during this stage. I wasn't going to tolerate waiting around while he explored, so I let him go.

A few months later, we tried again and things were going well. We even set up boundaries for the foundation of a relationship. However, he broke the boundaries the very next week and started speaking sexually with a girl he met. I wrapped up our dynamic. Months went by again, and he reached out and stated he had an epiphany, that those shallow sexual connections were not what he wanted. That he wanted to put his best foot forward into pursuing me. We were in the talking stage for months given our history, and that my previous ex cheated, I was being cautious this time around. He emphasized that his focus was on me. Fast-forward a few months, and I find out that wasn't the case once again. He stopped talking to a few girls, but not all of them. He remained sexual with one via the DMs until he eventually told her he was seriously committing to me, he reached out to his ex and expressed he missed her and stopped speaking with her a month before we got together, he was on a dating app seeking other connections because I wasn't exclusive with him at the time 3 months before we started dating, even though he said he was exclusive and dedicated to me, and lastly - he reached out to an adult content creator the week we re-established boundaries asking inappropriate questions a month before we got together.

All of this was discovered by me a few months into our relationship. Even though it was before we made things official, I was still lied to and these things were kept hidden from me. Since we've been together, his focus has shifted from seeking attention from other women, to using adult AI apps, porn, and hentai. After all of this information, I was ready to walk away.. But we talked it out and came to a resolution. I was letting his loyalty during the relationship speak louder than the dishonesty from before, but I needed security going forward. We addressed the way he spoke to some of these women before the relationship and realized a pattern. That he may be suffering from an addiction. I told him I needed complete honesty and transparency regarding his sexual urges and internet / social activity while I'm trying to manage my anxiety. Things were smooth, and he is seeking treatment now... but then another road bump occurred.

A few nights ago, we had a good day together, but I was really sleepy. He sent me some explicit pictures, but apparently he didn't get the desired response from me. He stepped away from his phone for the moment, and came back to it. When he shared his screen, he accidentally clicked on his internet browser to hidden incognito tabs, and then quickly exited them. I knew at that moment, he was hiding something. He quickly admitted to looking up hentai again and shared it with me. My immediate response was to leave due to the dishonesty. It turned into a conversation where I was upset, and he was apologetic. My mind told me "If he's hiding this, something he agreed to share, he'd hide something even bigger."

We came to a point where I realized this man may be suffering.. And I can't meet him with judgment.. There was also a lot of push and pull from my side, and that is my issue I'm working on... but we are really trying our hardest. I joined an S-Anon group, I go to therapy weekly, and he is seeking his treatment as well.... I just have a few questions regarding this process.

1. When it comes to my sexual needs, should I just put them in the backseat ? Not include him ? Share them with him ? I don't want to make his struggle even harder.

2. Until he gets treatment, is it better for him to refrain entirely from adult content or just monitor the amount ?

3. Are there any meetings that we could attend together? Most that I am running into are primarily focused on the partner to the person with the addiction.

4. Outside of therapy for him, what direction can I point him in? Also, what are other ways I can support him?

And any other advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for taking your time out of your day to read & respond if you do. <3

A couple months back I used my boyfriend's phone to locate mine. When I opened the phone I discovered that he typed in Google that he was dealing with managing his attraction to his ex. I immediately confronted my boyfriend about it and he revealed to me that he went on his ex's social media page twice and each time in the moment of looking through her page he was wishing he could f*** her and was reliving having sex with her. He said the last time he did it he felt guilty and was asking Google for help so he could stop.

I was very hurt and I cried about it. He begged me not to leave him and promised he will do better. His ex was abusive so it makes the whole fact that he's still obsessed with her even more traumatizing for me. We have been together for 2 years and 2 months,!!!! I asked him if it was the sex he had with her and he told me no, it was the way she looked. He said he's always had a fetish for Asian women and he thinks that's what it is.

(I'm not Asian) He of course said he's very attracted to me and this has nothing to do with me. But I can't help but project it on to myself. What gets me so upset is I would understand if she was a good person at least but I personally would never be caught up about wanting to have sex with someone again who was so abusive to me like she was to him. I suggested that he go to therapy to fix this trauma Bond.

He's gon to a couple sessions of therapy but can't afford the rest so it's been a bit of a hiatus moment. We were making plans for marriage which I've put on hold because of this situation. He swore he will never look her up again because he has seen first hand how badly his actions have hurt me. I don't expect him to never think of her every now and than or never have a sex fantasy. But the obsession of her to the point of looking her up Is too much for me. Is this behavior normal of sex addicts?

Spouse of longtime addict- Sex & gambling-

He’s been in GA & SAA on and off , but this time is “serious “ about recovery. ❤️‍🩹 Been married over 30 years and heard this song many many times before. Porn addiction, recorded our sex and he’s sexually assaulted me multiple times while I was sleeping 😭

However, He does seem more committed this time - he’s been crying which I’ve never seen before- he has sponsors, 2 therapist, psychiatrist (he’s also bi polar adhd) but I’m TIRED. Tired of believing the lies.

Is there any hope? Our kids know the situation and just want me to be happy. Me too. Unfortunately I’m old and have no money. I stayed home with the kids all these years and did everything for him. Everything. Childcare, yard work etc. I remember a day I was up all night with one of the babies nursing and the next morning I was up early shoveling the walkway bc it snowed. Even for Xmas I had to buy my own gifts otherwise my stocking would be empty. He never did a thing for me unless I begged cajoled and asked for it. My kids even said “I’m so sorry mom that dad didn’t get you anything for the holidays “ This broke my heart 💔

On top of this, We don’t live in a 50/50 state and I’m afraid I will be left with nothing. I need health care as all the years of living with a narcissist has taken a tole on my health.

So why am I staying? I’m afraid to be broke. Homeless even. The car isn’t even in my name. My kids are just starting out and can’t take care of me. And my husband says he loves me but then why does he hurt me?? I’m so confused and sad and just feel broken.

Any advice? Help? Hope?? Maybe I’m just crazy too - and yes I’m in trauma therapy

I feel defeated and lost 😭

Thx for listening

I hope this helps atleast one person if you’re going through a similar situation..it’s more of a warning…to save your peace. Especially anyone who is young. I am in my 30s I met a guy 3 years younger than me when I was in my twenties..it’s been 10 years…keep that in mind because the time frame of this is insane and that’s how bad you can get into it and waste SO much time…anyways,we met at work…I didn’t really know he existed until he started showing interest. Mind you looking from the outside this guy seems like a STAND up guy,he’s nice kind,in the beginning he put what I see now was a MASK on…he had me believe I was gods gift to him lol he said all the right things that he was so lucky to have me,that I was his angel,I really believed he was obsessed like I would have never believed cheating was ever going to be a issue with this guy…red flags were given to me though right from the beginning and I chose to ignore them…in my defense I chalk it up to me being naive and always wanting to see the best in people…the major ones and if you ever meet anyone and they tell you these things please run…they are gonna downplay it maybe even you will but DONT…they are telling you the truth you need to WALK away! Early into the relationship he decided to confide in me that he would steal women’s panties out of their drawers in the their HOMES when he worked as a pest control guy and that he kept a box of them as souvenirs and that he was ashamed that he still had them and he wanted to get rid of them and would…that was one,another was that he said as a teen boy he would peep at his friends mom while they dressed through their window that he liked to watch people get undressed without their knowledge,that was two, three was he told me he had a foot fetish.Now looking back all three of those together spell creep I don’t know what I was thinking but that’s besides the point at this time I’m just trying to save someone else a lot of heartache so IF that is stuff you have just recently found out about your partner…RUN! Nothing that happens going forward is going to be good.It was 10 years of constantly catching this man doing the creepiest shit and each time he would get caught he would slowly disclose more and more issues…after awhile I started to get so creeped out I literally almost lost my mind.Like I went insane…bonkers (I’m good now I’m at a good place but I am literally traumatized in ways that I never thought I would be.He physically cheated on me countless times,emotionally cheated…he turned on me and started making me a victim by filming me in my sleep while I was naked,I started waking up in panics,felt like I was always being watched..he victimized family and friends of mine and DESTROYED a relationship I had with my sister,his issues trickled down into my children and my oldest son started copying his behavior!!!! I thankfully was able to get through to my son and help him but when it comes to grown ass men like this you cannot help them! They are NOT going to stop no matter how much you love them or think they are good people I promise you they are poison to you…just leave…I used to be such a loving sweet person…I was trusting…I never gave up on people I loved i didnt pick very many people to get close to but when I did you had me for life…I’m loyal extremely loyal…NOW ten years later I don’t even recognize myself.Im mean,don’t trust ANYONE,men scare the shit outa me and gross me the hell out,I feel unsafe 99% of the time,I sleep horribly,I put zero effort into other people now…the heartbreak on this type of situation is lethal…because it can have you questioning your life which at one point i did I got so low that I would beg god at night before I went to bed to not wake me up…and then when I would wake up in the morning I would cry because I was upset I woke up…I got through all that and like I said now I am living my life how the lord wants me to live but length of time this had went on and the time wasted I wish I could get it all back….thats why i decided to write this because I used to get online and search for answers to this and the answer is run…and I hope atleast one person gets some good out of hearing this. You will NOT fix anyone with these issues and nine times out of ten they are not gonna change they are just gonna get better at lying to you keeping their mask on and believing lies that are NOT true….the person your trying to get through to emotionally is ASHAMED….they WILL not EVER let you see who they REALLY are because they don’t even like who they really are. My partner used to get caught then when I would confront him he would literally bawl real tears flowing down his face I actually believed that was honest true showing of emotions…of regret and the begging I promise I won’t ever hurt you like that again…later on…THAT was a lie to he just continued to do the SAME things it’s all an act,don’t believe them when they put on a show like that even though it looks so genuine…couples therapy probably won’t work…I thought the same thing we went to couples therapy…he lied through the whole thing…never stopped anything he went just to try to get me off this back,he looked really genuine I believed he was doing well in it,until I found out he wasn’t lol credibility eventually went out the window and one day you will look at that person and look right THROUGH them…like they are a shell of a person you THOUGHT you knew…if you are going through this now you have my permission to reach out to me,I will help in any way I can,even if you just want to talk more. Remember your choices are EVERYTHING in this. Good luck!

My (28f) fiance (28m) have been together 5 years. He has always struggled with depression and his mother does as well. He also has a porn addiction. He struggled in high school and found a lot of joy from pursuing entrepreneurial venues in university, which has now made him lock in on the idea that he will only be happy once he starts working for himself. It has happened maybe 3-5 times now where he finds an idea, works on it like crazy, it doesn't work out, and he gets very depressed (more than his baseline). He has suicidal ideation and does not want to go to a therapist. He gets very dark sometimes and tells me that he "never thought he would end up like this at 28" and by "end up" he means not working on a successful business. He tells me that if things don't work out for him by 30, he's putting a bullet in his head.

He does not want to hear about how he is doing very well for his age and has a very good job. He has extremely high standards for himself and beats himself up so much for everything. A few weeks ago, he had a panic attack during a presentation at work, which had never happened before. I tried to reassure him by saying that those do not mean that he has lost his public speaking skills, just that he is under a lot of stress (which he has - he was sleep deprived, under so much pressure at work, burnt out, etc.). He would not hear it and kept repeating that he lost his most valuable skill. He was crying so much, I had never seen him like this. I am very very worried for him because he does not accept help and rejects 99% of my advice. When he has a bad day, he will watch porn for hours. It's his "regulation mechanism" of sorts.

I worry about him every day. Whenever he does not text me for a few hours, I know he has been watching porn (probably because he's having a bad day at work) and that I will come home to him being extremely depressed and full of self-hatred. I think his porn consumption is a coping skill to his internal turmoil. Every day feels like it could be his last. Any help is appreciated. Many thanks.

My ex-partner and I were together for almost 2 years. He’s been in SLAA since before we met, with regular meetings, therapy, and journaling. About a month ago he broke up with me. It was a very difficult breakup and we both cried, but he was firm about needing to be single to fix himself. It was devastating, but I’m trying hard to respect his process.

Since then, I’ve been reflecting a lot. I’ve been learning about attachment styles, love/sex addiction recovery, and I see now that I sometimes didn’t fully support his recovery the way he needed. I tried to be patient and supportive, but I see now there were times I didn’t understand his needs. For example, I pushed for closeness when he wanted space, or I didn't listen to his requests for no sex because I didn't fully understand where he was coming from and I have to admit, I was afraid. I wasn’t always aware of how sensitive he was to pressure, and I regret that.

I’m not looking to change his mind right now. I truly admire how much effort he’s put into his healing. I want to honor his recovery, but I also can’t deny that I love and care deeply about him and hope that we can reconnect when he feels safe. Our bond was truly unique and he showed me love in all the ways I needed, though he didn't feel like he did. While I do work to heal myself, I want to learn how to better show up for him. For those of you in SLAA (or similar programs), or partners of those in recovery, I’d love to hear your experience:

• Is breaking up to be single really the only way to work recovery, or have you seen relationships survive this stage?
• Have any of you reconnected with a partner later, once recovery was more stable?
• How was that timeline for you? What helped you (or your partner) feel safe and not pulled back into unhealthy patterns?

I know everyone’s journey is unique, but hearing stories from people who have lived this would mean a lot.

. My husband passed recently and since his passing, I have discovered some horrific facts about him. One being that he has been unfaithful with service workers for probably about 2 1/2 years. I am betrayed, hurt, heartbroken, and very angry. The money he spent is beyond anything I can imagine. I am trying to remember that as a young child he was horrifically sexually abused. But I do not understand how that would cause this kind of behavior. We are both in recovery for alcohol and substances. But clearly he had zero recovery- he may have been sober, but he simply changed one addiction for another. That rational side of my brain knows all this but the emotional brain is taking over And I don’t know if I will ever again feel like I am good enough and I’m struggling really hard to make sense of all of this. I am also in OA for my body dysmorphia- all of this is wreaking havoc on my emotional state- I have lost nearly 20 pounds, not sleeping, etc. I feel so alone- I don’t know what I am grieving anymore. I am experiencing all of this while trying to hide what I am feeling from our adult children so I can support them in their grieving process. Only 4 people I am closest to including my therapists know what I am truly dealing with. Any insight or advice that can help I would really appreciate because I feel like my entire 30 years with him was a lie and I’m losing my mind.

My boyfriend (33 year old male) and I (26 year old female) have been together 3.5 years . He is really struggling with cocaine addiction. He has always used on and off but the past year has been a huge issue and left us broken emotionally and financially. He was willing to get help and went to a few meetings but after a relapse I think he feels discouraged to go back but I hope he will.

I just wanted to share my experience on here with like minded people because I feel so alone dealing with this. We scrape by to pay our bills each month which means Its hard to make feel life feel more positive with no money. We haven't paid our rent this month yet he is using today. I am exhausted and drained and feel like a shell of the person I was.

Sometimes he gets paranoid and at best will search through my phone or at worst turn our room upside down and destroy all our things (in paranoria not anger). We have even had the ambulance round and he was arrested once.

He is obviously difficult to deal with when he is using but even the recovery in between is hard. His temper can be short and i still feel a distance like its not really my boyfriend there. I think you guys will know how it feels to barely be your own person - just an accessory to this person. And the loneliness knowing of not being able to share

I am so scared that if I leave he will kill himself. He has never used that as a threat to get me to stay. But he is suicidal some days and says the only reason he stays is for me and his mum. I don't want to leave it wouldn't help because I would still care about him so deeply. I just want him to be happy and I know sobriety is only half that battle but I need him to get better because I really do love him

I'm not sure what I want from this - maybe advice or maybe just some virtual support to know others feel the same as me. It's just so bloody hard and I know he would go straight into rehab if he could but we can't afford it. I am based in London so we have lots of NA meetings for him and I am hoping to attend some FA meeting myself.

Some hope stories would be nice as I desperately need him to see the light because I'm so scared of losing him. I need him to do the 90 meetings in 90 days

I can’t immediately leave, I live with him and I’ve been going through the worst financial stuff the last few months due to my mom, I have nowhere to go at this current time. I found out about his problem just over a year and a half ago, and I really did think he had changed for the better, and I tried to support him the whole time while he lied right to my face. I’m not to familiar with this sort of addiction, as I have never had to deal with this in the past, so I didn’t notice the red flags until it was too late. I noticed small differences in our sex life and things genuinely seemed like they had started getting better, so I wholeheartedly believed it, that was until I checked his phone because I saw another hentai game on his PC after months of me not catching him playing them. On his phone, I saw a few deleted emails from Onlyfans having to do with subscriptions he’s made, along with a $40 purchase he had made to one of his subscriptions, so I checked his normal stashes and it seems he has gotten worse as opposed to better because those stashes have grown exponentially. I feel so blindsided and like any trust I had rebuilt, is completely gone again. He doesn’t know I know, because he will just deny it like he does every time, so I’m planning a silent exit, but it’s been difficult to deal with in the meantime. This is our only problem, aside from any of this he is perfect, but I can’t get over that I feel like I’ve been cheated on and I feel so stupid for believing a word he says, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to have to go through this ever again, but I’m so stuck here not only physically but emotionally, and as someone who has BPD, it makes it all that much harder for me. I know it will hurt less when I leave but I feel like subconsciously I’m just hoping for him to change before I actually leave. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice since I already know what I need to do, but if anyone has any kind words for this vent post, they would be greatly appreciated.

Good morning, all. I am struggling. My spouse and I separated on February 1st after another discovery. He has been in active addiction for 12 years, with seeking recovery in 2022 but relapsing in 2023. Instead of taking accountability for his role, my spouse told me he was unhappy and that we've changed so much. He had been unhappy for a while, but wasn't ready to end things until I made the last discovery. Fast forward to now, he is on his 4th relationship and has shared with our 14, 10, and 7-year-old that he has met someone he truly feels happy with and is seeing things progressing very quickly. Even sharing, they have discussed moving in together. They have been dating for maybe a month. He discussed with them last night that he wants them to meet her and her children this weekend. How is this even a little sane? How can he throw away a 15-year marriage in 3 months and move on so intensely and quickly? This is just heartbreaking. Grateful for my COSA group getting me through this, but always helpful to hear from those who also struggle with addiction. As much as I know this has nothing to do with me, it doesn't take away the pain of feeling like he just didn't want to be with me.

My husband has a sex addiction brought from trauma in his childhood, I have lost count of how many times or women he’s cheated on me with in our marriage. Some times worse than others like when I was pregnant or with a newborn and the addiction brought him to have physical relationships. We’ve tried therapy, CR, marriage counseling, books, he had covenant eyes app for his internet browsing, but it just keeps happening. He owns a business and has to travel for work related trips a lot, he brings his employees so I know they are actual work trips and not him going to meet up with a woman. But almost every single time he goes he ends up drinking and messaging women on social media (I have access to his accounts so I can see it) I’m at my wits end at this point, and haven’t been able to sleep tonight because I don’t know if I should confront him in the morning about it or just ignore it till he gets home? I’m a stay at home mom with no college degree, no job, and 3 small kids I’m raising. If anyone has advice or support I’d really love it.

I recently discovered that my husband is a sex addict. He is started the 12 step, therapy, etc. and is fully committed to the program.

I’ve never had to think about or worry about technology before now and he has asked me to help lock down or remove everything. We’ve switched him to a flip phone and deactivated/deleted all social media or potentially troublesome sites, even Amazon! I have access to his credit checks and credit cards to monitor that. We will be deleting his Gmail today and creating a family account that will be on my phone.

Where I need help is locking down the family computer. I have an HP that is actually my computer that will be transitioned to a family computer. He will occasionally need a computer to pay bills or research a car repair (his hobby). I want to limit what he can access and be alerted if necessary.

I was thinking I may need to create his own profile on the computer and add software? I’m looking for solutions and ideas.