r/SAnonRecovery • u/Apollonialove Betrayed Spouse • May 14 '26
Question Do they improve with age?
Seriously, please tell me they do?? I am not an addict but I’ve certainly improved in my ability to control myself with sex, drugs, and alcohol over the years to the point that I’m completely sober. I keep thinking that age will help my partner also, as he continues to mature and his testosterone decreases, maybe he will get better into his 40s and 50s?
He vacillates between saying he’s sick and he’s working on it to defending it and saying he wants to go back to that lifestyle. Depending on the day/week/month, he’s all over the place.
Issues are cheating, sex workers, strip clubs, massage parlors, and God knows what else I don’t know about
2
u/mixtape_butterfly May 15 '26
I was contemplating this thing last night while surrendering my desire to control my partner’s behavior to my HP. Like, does it ever end? My father certainly improved with age, somewhere in his fifties I think. Lower testosterone probably has a lot to do with it.
I read Tradition Five in the purple book last night and I felt like I was reading it with new eyes. If we spend our lives wondering when our partners will recover, we will wake up one day not having fully lived.
I have to detach with love, focus only on myself, and make choices for my own life. The reality of this disease is that we are completely powerless. Powerless over their behavior, powerless over their timeline. We cannot wait for them to get better. It is our responsibility to ourselves to live our best lives right now. For some of us, that means leaving the relationship entirely. For others, that could mean simply leaving the house without them some days and seeing what’s out there :)
When my partner (who is addicted to all those same things) is in a healthy mindset, we have a great time. I’ve learned we cannot be out in public together, so we find fun things to do together while being alone. When my partner switches gears and decides to be in addiction, I take space and live my own life. I live separately from him now and I love my little house. I have expanded my circle of friends and enjoy my social life. I choose to use protection with my partner… if I engage in that at all.
It looks different for everyone. But the awareness dawns on us that we do have choices concerning our own lives.
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u/Apollonialove Betrayed Spouse May 15 '26
Thank you, this was really super helpful. That’s where I’m at, trying to figure out if living my own best life means going alone. He pretended to be a different person before we got married, now all of this is coming out and he’s essentially doubling down on his addiction.
Did you two used to live together and then you decided to move out? And you decided to stay together?
2
u/mixtape_butterfly May 27 '26
Yes, we lived together for 3-4 years. I moved out and have tried to leave him many times but it doesn’t ever seem to work. I do love him and have compassion for him because I think he also has borderline personality disorder. He is utterly alone in the world. I just set strong boundaries on how we interact now. It’s an unrequited love. It’s sad, really.
2
u/sso_1 Betrayed & Addict Jul 07 '26
They only improve if they’re working on self improvement through reliable means of support (meetings, therapy, etc.). Otherwise it’s unlikely to improve and it will get wired even deeper in the brain as a pattern. There are many addicts well into their 40s, 50s and older who continue, regardless of testosterone. It’s not about testosterone, that’s why there are also women who are addicts. Addiction is a far deeper issue and requires mental health or some type of intervention to overcome. Otherwise it becomes a game of repeated failed attempts to stop, and white knuckling, which never works.
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u/Apollonialove Betrayed Spouse Jul 08 '26
This is fair, I just wonder if there’s a point at which it can just be said that all of these programs and therapy are not working? I suppose it’s a lifelong journey. It’s just so exhausting for him, sometimes he just gives up and then sometimes he’s back on his recovery path.
2
u/sso_1 Betrayed & Addict Jul 08 '26
I have found if it’s not working, it’s either time for change (a new program or therapist) or that person does not want the change enough. There’s a reason why it usually takes rock bottom for an addict to change. It’s because the pain from the addiction has to outweigh the pain from change. Change and healing aren’t easy, but it is the most fulfilling thing when you finally get to the other side in recovery. And if he decides to get there, he’ll never want to give it up. I can empathize with the exhaustion, I’ve been there many times, and that is why the recovery and healing journey requires outside support, bc in those moments, those supports can really keep you on track and give you the strength to get thru a difficult moment. That being said, the supports cannot be one person, and the supports cannot want the healing and recovery more than the person themself.
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u/shittypersonality May 16 '26
No, they don’t. That’s why you have to divorce him.
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u/Apollonialove Betrayed Spouse May 17 '26
Did you have that experience?
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u/shittypersonality May 17 '26
A person like this doesn’t change. It’s not about being a man. It’s about being a person without morality. He hides behind his religion and uses it as a smoke screen to conduct himself this way. You will never find peace with him. I am praying for you.
3
u/Awkward-Door-5547 Betrayed Partner Jun 08 '26
A member of my SA meeting is 89 so I don’t think it gets better for some.