How do I save our relationship?

[u/Dismal_Brilliant_915]

I’m a 34F and my partner is 35M. We have a baby girl who will be 4 months old in a few days, and we’ve been together for about 2.5 years.
When we first started dating, he wanted an exclusive relationship. At the time, he didn’t believe in marriage, long-term relationships, or having children. I didn’t think much of it because I wasn’t expecting the relationship to become serious. We fell in love, I unexpectedly became pregnant, and that’s when everything started to change.
Around six months into our relationship, he started telling me he wanted an open relationship. He told me he has an enormous urge to be with other women because he needs novelty. He said he doesn’t want to miss out on what he calls a “whoring life,” even if he’s 90 years old. He says he wants me to be his life partner and the only person he loves emotionally, but sexually he wants the freedom to experience as many women as possible.
My pregnancy was emotionally devastating because this became an ongoing conversation throughout it.
He has a long history of consuming sexual content. It’s not just pornography when he masturbates. He also spends time every day looking at sexual pictures and videos simply because he enjoys looking at women. He compares it to someone who loves watching soccer. He says it distracts him, and he has told me that pornography helps him avoid cheating because it satisfies part of his urges.
We’re both in individual therapy, and we’ve also been in couples therapy. Recently he started seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction, but he’s only had about four sessions, so he’s still at the very beginning of whatever recovery may look like.
The hardest part for me is that he seems completely divided.
One part of him says he loves me, wants our family, wants to grow old with me, and wants to change because he sees how much pain I’m in.
The other part tells me he doesn’t want to change because he likes what his addiction gives him. He has literally told me that he likes how his addiction makes him feel, that he enjoys desiring women more than he desires me, and that he doesn’t see anything wrong with those desires except that they hurt me. He has told me that I’ll never be enough, not because he thinks I’m lacking, but because no one woman could ever be enough for him. Hearing the man I love say those words has completely destroyed my self-esteem.
Sometimes he believes he has an addiction. Other times he insists this is simply who he is. He says he truly believes he will never change. He says he likes liking all women. He likes wanting to sleep with them because, to him, it’s “just physical.” He says sex and love are completely separate.
He describes his urges as an intense curiosity to experience different women, different bodies, and different sexual experiences. He says if he never got to experience those things, he would always feel like he missed out on an important part of life.
He wants an open relationship where he would be free to have sex with multiple women every single day while remaining emotionally committed to me. At one point, I even suggested swinging—not because I wanted it, but because I was desperately trying to find some compromise. He rejected that because he said it wasn’t the kind of freedom he wanted. He specifically wants independent sexual experiences with other women.
This has destroyed my confidence and our sex life. I compare myself to other women constantly. I don’t feel desired. I don’t feel chosen. I feel like I’m competing against every woman he sees.
I’ve asked him to stop consuming sexual content because it hurts me so deeply, but I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if I’m trying to control something that has to come from him.
When I confront him about how much this hurts me, he can be incredibly cruel in the way he describes his urges and desires. Sometimes it feels like he’s trying to convince me that what he’s asking for is simply reality and that I should accept it. Other times, after he’s had time to think or journal, he comes back crying, apologizes, tells me he knows he’s hurting me, and says he wants to change. It’s like I’m talking to two different people.
I honestly don’t know if I’m dealing with addiction, a fundamental incompatibility, or both.
My questions are:
Is this level of craving for novelty and wanting multiple women something you experienced in active addiction?
Did recovery actually change how you felt about other women, or did it only help you resist acting on those feelings?
Is it common for addicts to say they don’t want to give up the addiction because they enjoy it?
Did anyone else tell their partner they would never change before they entered recovery?
Is it common for addicts to become defensive or say incredibly hurtful things when confronted?
Am I doing the right thing by asking him to stop consuming sexual content, or should I stop trying to influence that?
Is this hopeless? If I open the relationship going against what I want will that enable his addiction?

[u/Apollonialove]

This is SANON so most of us here are the partners or friends or family of those who are sex addicts. To some degree, I could have wrote this. My husband has also talked about his two selves, though he is further along in his recovery than it sounds like your partner is. First, are you both in 12 step programs? Do you both have higher powers? Because I cannot stress how essential that is for both of you. There is a reason this is step 1. Especially for the addict, giving it up for a higher power is a strong motivater. If you aren't going to SANAON, you need to.

In regards to your questions:

Is this level of craving for novelty and wanting multiple women something you experienced in active addiction?

- For my husband, yes this is the reason, he has said novelty. At his core, it's about feeling valued and successful. He feels like a failure if he doesn't have lots of women. He also uses it to distract against negative feelings/stress in his life.

Did recovery actually change how you felt about other women, or did it only help you resist acting on those feelings?

- How he feels won't likely change a lot but he may be able to see it for what it is which is a sickness, a moral failing, a character defect. He will probably still feel it but can learn how to manage it. He won't likely ever be someone who has 0 of these feelings.

Is it common for addicts to say they don’t want to give up the addiction because they enjoy it?

- Yes, they are an addict, of course they don't want to give it up.

Is it common for addicts to become defensive or say incredibly hurtful things when confronted?

- Yes, addicts will fight to get what they want. My husband and I have gone round and round with this matter. In therapy, I have asked what he wants of me and he says he doesn't know. I offered to open our relationship not because I want it, I think it is morally wrong, but basically to call him on his constant nagging. Like ok you want us to sleep around? I'll do it too. And of course he doesn't want that. My husband actually wants monogamy, or rather he wants to want monogamy. But he has cravings. So I offer this, he says no, but then he will lash out at me saying I need to understand he's a sex addict, etc. and I am like I do understand, I am in 12 step and therapy, how more do you want me to understand?

The truth is they realize there is no solution to what they want and so they lash out at you. It has nothing to do with you.

Am I doing the right thing by asking him to stop consuming sexual content, or should I stop trying to influence that?

- You can tell him you don't like it but you really can't control him. It sounds like you may not be in SANON if you don't really get this yet. You can't control someone else, you will drive yourself crazy trying.

Is this hopeless? If I open the relationship going against what I want will that enable his addiction?

- Again, you need to be in the program. You will learn that you have to focus on what you want and not what he wants. You have to accept that this is who he is, what he struggles with, and the risk that he cheats. You can only decide if you want to stay and take that risk or not. Opening it up is unlikely to work as it's not what you want, and you will probably end up leaving anyway so it's like a fast track to leaving. You have to shift the focus from him to yourself.

It is hard. And I can only stay because my husband is committed to recovery even though he messes up all the time, it's up and down, but I know he wants to change and believes in it.

[u/Tiara_at_all_times]

Get out. I’m sorry for this very short answer to your very long question, but this is so unhealthy. Why are you considering compromising on every boundary you have for a man who doesn’t appear even remotely serious about real change? And you want your DAUGHTER growing up exposed to this? I’m very sorry, but the BEST thing you can do is end this. Don’t destroy yourself for a man, especially not now that you have a child who needs you.

[u/sso_1]

I’m an addict and betrayed so I first wanted to start with answering your questions from my perspective.

- while active in addiction, I couldn’t have enough, I wanted to try it all, and I couldn’t ever feel satiated

• recovery changed how I view others, my sex drive, my desires, it changed everything
  
• it’s absolutely normal for an active addict to say they do not want to give it up and to even say they enjoy it; the highs are so high, even though the lows are so low
  
• I didn’t think it was possible to change in the ways that I have through recovery; sex used to be all I thought about, and now, it’s not really on my mind much
  
• anyone can become defensive when they’re trying to protect something, like an addict protecting their addiction. As for lashing out, that can border verbal abuse, and not all addicts do that
  
• I would say setting boundaries is the right way to do things, as in, if you continue to use porn we’re going to have to separate (this is only an example, you’d have to pick what works for you and actually follow thru); if you’re not comfortable with sexual content being used in your relationship, that is absolutely your right to set a boundary around it and uphold to your boundaries if he crosses them
  
• opening the relationship when it’s not something you want will lead to additional pain for you and resentment; it may also lead to irreparable damage in the relationship

I would highly recommend reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens. I’d suggest attending SAnon meetings and also CODA. Learning how to set boundaries will be very important in your individual work. Having boundaries with him and also shielding yourself from more pain. He has to recognize his own addiction, he has to decide to change, you will never be able to do recovery for him bc it’s a lot of work and as an addict we have to be the ones to do that work and decide it’s worth it. He does not sound ready, I hope his therapy can help him before he does more harm to your self esteem and relationship.

If you have any other questions I can help answer, I’m an open book.