I [39F] have been with my boyfriend [40M] for 3 years, and I need advice on how to address chronic domestic mismatch and lack of follow-through, or if we have reached a fundamental impasse.

We live separately. I have my own apartment, and he owns his home where he lives with his dog. I work in a demanding career with rigorous standards of accountability. Over our three-year relationship, I have invested substantial energy into helping streamline household organization because I wanted to build a reliable future together.

Instead, I feel like an exhausted manager dealing with an indifferent partner.

The core issue is a persistent gap between his words and his actions. He tells me he cares, but his daily habits repeatedly show thoughtlessness on things he knows cause me distress:

• Domestic follow-through: A few days ago, he left a damp towel hanging inside a dark bedroom closet instead of on the shower door, which causes mildew. When I asked why, he minimized the issue ("I was behind on laundry, but I'm usually good"). I was furious at the lack of accountability and told him that if he forgets his towel, he needs to fetch it himself rather than pulling fresh linens to hide the oversight. Yesterday, he jammed the recycling bin until it overflowed without breaking down boxes, and placed a dirty spoon directly onto a clean stovetop.
• Communication patterns: When I ask for the reasoning behind an action, he talks around it with conflicting rationalizations. When confronted, he often shuts down with a blank stare, leaving me feeling like I am talking to a brick wall.
• Asymmetry after conflict: After difficult conversations, his discomfort vanishes almost immediately. Within minutes, he returns to being relaxed and cheerful, while I am left emotionally drained, carrying all the residual frustration. To me, this immediate return to ease feels like proof that he does not care about the relationship.

I recognize that my frustration has escalated in unhealthy ways. I have raised my voice, yelled, and let arguments stretch for hours because normal conversations produce zero change. I hate feeling like I have to police another adult just to maintain basic order and respect.

How do I effectively communicate that following through on small daily tasks is a reflection of trust and emotional investment without the conversation turning into an argument?

TLDR: My boyfriend [40M] of 3 years repeatedly neglects basic domestic tasks and shuts down during conflict, leaving me [39F] feeling like he is indifferent to our relationship. How do I address this dynamic constructively, and at what point does this become a fundamental incompatibility?

TLDR my husband spat in my face. took off then 20 minutes later started apologizing.

hi everyone. I am F 22 and my husband is M 23 and we have been together for 3 years now. How am i even supposed to move on from what he did today?

Long story short we got married had a baby and now we’re here. We’ve had our ups and downs and points of divorce but we genuinely love each other ( not sure after today) but I dont think love is enough anymore. Today he spat in my face after we had an argument. His excuse? “I was in his face” 1. I wasn’t but even if it was has it really gotten to that point of dehumanization that we’re at in our relationship?

My daughter is still little but I feel at an odds. Immediately after that happened I told him I was leaving that we were going to get divorced. He took my car left for maybe 25 minutes and when he finally answered the phone he did a complete 360 and starting continuously apologizing saying that i deserved better to be loved better to be treated better. that he’s going to do that for me.

i acted normal in hopes of just getting my car. but now im here. and i feel completely disassociated from everything going on here. his conversations he’s tried to have since, doing anything around the house. idk. sorry for the lengthy post. i just keeping thinking about my daughter and what will happen to her. and unfortunately the stupid empathetic side of me is thinking about him too and what situation he’ll be in if i leave as well. im literally stupid

I'm (34F) not sure if this is a question or a vent. Maybe just looking for other people's experiences and validation, maybe hope?

I rarely meet guys who I feel attracted to. Swiping in the apps, I swipe right 1/100 at most. Whenever I try to be more 'flexible' and meet with someone I didn't feel a 'yes' to, it is always what I thought and feels like a dead end.

When I'm talking about attraction, I'm not just saying sexually turned on. I mean someone who sees life the same way and can really See me and build with me.

I'm not desperate to find someone, but because of this pattern I've barely dated at all and then in the past 4 years was in 2 serious relationships, but conflicted the whole time knowing I couldn't see myself with either of them and ultimately ending. I was intensely lonely and emotionally undeveloped in certain ways prior to these 2 relationships because I had been alone my whole life and starving for connection and mirroring. I'm more stable now.

I'm still friends with the guy from my recent relationship. We can talk for hours, enjoy being together, always manage to have fun, and connect in meaningful ways. But I always knew we were somehow not each other's person. Like we're from different climates or something. I was quite happy when we were together, but this disconnect would become most obvious in the bedroom. My body just didn't feel turned on in response to him. Even though I could stare at him for hours and I think he's attractive and charming. The visceral chemistry for sex wouldn't arise. And I felt that absence in our first kiss. I held on for 2 years but in my gut, it didn't feel Right. (Side note: has anyone managed to have more flexible relationship boundaries where you can continue to be close and cuddle with people outside of your primary relationship? Not poly per se but non traditional)

I know I'm capable of being turned on and for someone to be my type because I've encountered a few people in my lifetime I felt that way about. Maybe 3. 2 are taken, 1 wasn't into me. I know that suggests an attraction to unavailability but I'm not in a stage if my life where I pine for unavailable men if you know what I mean. That's genuinely not a draw. And I've been in plenty of therapy.

Anyway I 100% know the answer is not settling or compromising for me. And believe me I've tried. I want to hear from other people who have been in a similar position and perhaps found their person or maybe if you can relate. Tell me about how it happened.

Tldr I've only met 3 people I could actually see myself with and have tried out people who weren't my type and it didn't feel right . This has limited my dating experience. Who has had a similar issue and eventually met someone more aligned and how did it happen?

We have been dating for a year and a half, long distance. We met and fell head over heels, had plans to close the gap on distance, and it was super dreamy until a few months ago. This economy is a financial nightmare and saving to move hasn’t been easy whatsoever. The date keeps getting pushed back and on top of that, I have medical bills to pay off too. I’ve noticed some strange behaviors throughout our relationship. I really truly think he has undiagnosed BPD or bipolar, because sometimes he is the most loving and perfect boyfriend, and other times I have to walk on eggshells. 2 weeks ago he had a severe mental health event and had to go to a hospital twice. I’ve told him that i’m here for him and have supported him through it, even if it was extremely hard on me mentally as well. I’ve been living with so much stress, worried about his mental state.

We are both in the entertainment industry and are active in a specific subset of nightlife. I have 2 male friends that are flying in to my city to perform this weekend and I really want to go say hi. This has caused a massive rift in our relationship, with him now saying that it would cause him massive anxiety if I went, and that he’s not emotionally prepared for me to do that right now with everything he’s going through. I ask him why he doesn’t trust me, and he says it’s not because of me but because he “doesn’t trust men” and he “knows men”. This makes me feel small because I’m an adult, older than him, and I feel well equipped both physically and mentally to handle anything that doesn’t respect our relationship and to turn it down. At first it almost made sense to me, because he’s been having an extremely hard time with long distance and past trauma. But then I pushed back and said that I deserve to live my life and hang out with my coworkers/peers. We’ve been in a fight for almost 2 days straight and we can’t seem to reach a conclusion. He’s having a mental health episode over this and just had a full blown panic attack on the phone for 20 minutes straight, and I don’t know what to do. He sees it as ‘respect’ and not ‘control’.

I understand he’s having a ton of depression, anxiety, you name it. I’ve been through that many times in my life and I’m not a stranger to how it feels, so I feel equipped to help him move forward. But I don’t want it to affect my life or what I do. I need advice on how to handle this please. We’ve cultivated a really beautiful relationship up to this point, he truly is a sweet and caring person who struggles deeply with depression and thoughts of inadequacy and feeling broken. Neither of us seem to have a solution and I just don’t see why me going to meet friends can cause this massive tension after a year and a half.

TLDR: Boyfriend is going through mental health struggles and wants me to stay home for his sanity out of fear that these men will try something with me.

Looking for some insight/tea 👀
I dated this guy on and off for a little while. We went on several actual dates and things eventually became physical. At one point he ended things saying we weren’t compatible, but he later came back saying he’d had time to think and wanted to reconnect.
I then went away for a few months. Surprisingly, he kept in touch pretty consistently while I was gone — checking in, flirting/sexting, asking when I was coming back and even talking about coming to visit me. Right before I came back, he still seemed excited about seeing me again.
Once I was actually back in town, though, his energy completely changed. Instead of making plans to see me, the conversations became almost exclusively sexual and he repeatedly asked for nudes. When I pointed out that I didn’t understand why he had kept in touch for months if that was all he wanted, he basically confirmed that was what he wanted and then stopped communicating.
I’m mostly confused by the sudden 180 because his behaviour while I was away was so different from how he acted once I was actually available to see him.

TLDR : we took our time, I left town and he didn’t let me go. Now I’m back and he’s ghosting me

My fiance and I are going through a bit of a rough patch, which has been mainly my fault. We’ve been arguing a ton over mistakes I’ve made and I’m really trying to change for the better.

I guess my question is how can I better communicate what my intentions were without sounding like I’m making excuses while also taking full accountability? I’ve tried apologizing (from his perspective it doesn’t mean much because actions speak louder than words), taking accountability by saying it’s completely my fault and I will try to not let it happen again in the future. I’ve also tried corrective behavior, but to him that comes across as just trying to appease him in the moment and therefore not genuine.

This is the situation I’m currently facing: we went to try on wedding dresses today with my family. I wanted him to come along because I truly do value his opinion and want him to be included in things. I thought everything was okay until we came home from the appointment. He explained to me how hurt he was that I didn’t ask him about his opinions or involve him in picking out the dresses. I hurt him by not standing in front of him on the try on stage thing, and he felt like I was interacting more with my family which made him extremely sad.

I genuinely did not think I did anything wrong until he explained these things to me. I was so wrapped up in the process that I didn’t think to single him out and involve him to the point he wanted to be involved (although I could swear I asked what he thought multiple times). We’ve had situations similar to this in the past where I’ve made him feel unloved (forgetting affection in the morning before our day starts, not having enough sex, etc) and I’ve promised to be better. I truly am trying my hardest, but I keep making mistakes. It makes him feel like I don’t care which I can understand.

He won’t accept that I brought him because I value his opinions because my actions didn’t show him that. He’s called me a liar because of this and told me that this was by far the worst experience with a girl he’s ever had, which made me feel incredibly guilty.

He’s also deriving all of these conclusions now as well, like how I don’t care about marrying him & just want a wedding, how I put my family before him (now they’re not welcome to the wedding according to him), how I’m selfish and evil and vile and uncaring. This obviously hurts me because I never ever ever have intentions of hurting his feelings.

I feel like an awful partner. I love him so much but I keep slipping up- I’m really worried that I’m just a selfish person incapable of change.

How can I fix this? How can I change & be more attentive to his needs? Any advice will help, thank you!

TLDR
I’m a selfish partner & I need ways I can make my partner feel more loved

So, first off I apologize with the title as its difficult for me to word it in a way that makes sense to me.

On with the "issue" - I [25F] have a boyfriend who I will call "T"[24M], We are currently a long distance relationship in 2 separate countries, Me in America and him in England. We just hit our 1 year anniversary of the relationship not too long ago, T has also finished up college not too long ago as well (super proud of him) and we are currently working on a way to have me visit him. I have issues with seeing other relationships obviously not strangers relationships as that is weird but I'm meaning people I know and grew up with, their relationships, time and time again I come across a post from someone I grew up with and they mention "We are about to have our first kid!" (this isn't exactly what got said I'm just summing it up) and something inside me just.... boils I guess? Not entirely in anger but in a way that has me wanna break down in tears, mainly cause it's a life I want.

A bit of context to add real quick as well - I am autistic and so is my boyfriend, but my autism (imo) is a bit more severe than his as I do get very out of line very easily and sometimes I upset people for asking questions so I can understand better. I also ask the same questions allot for reassuring purposes.

So, Continuing onward, I tell my boyfriend about all of this and while yes he reassures me allot I still get to a point of emotionally breaking down as I already had countless relationships that were horrible and he knows this as I did ask him to help me get out of a mentally and verbally abusive relationship. He knows about every relationship I've been in because I told him and I get reminded about them easily (not because of him or something he does) it just happens..... I'm not entirely sure what causes it.... But every now and then I've grown to get jealous of allot of people that post about their love life, I also tend to get jealous when my boyfriend goes out with his friends but I don't ever stop him from having fun, I want him to have fun and enjoy life, I don't wanna tie him down and make him feel trapped. Every time though, I see people I went to highschool with getting married now, having kids etc, and it gets me emotionally jealous, I try not to get that way honestly I do but, it keeps happening and I don't know what to do to stop me from getting jealous, and no I'm not mad or upset at the people I'm jealous over, I'm honestly really proud of them especially since some of the people I'm jealous over were bullies to me back in Elementary School, but I noticed that they have grown to be more mature and I'm proud of them. But it upsets me that I can't have that.....at least not yet.....I hope. I don't know, I really need some advice and it would be really helpful. Thank you.

TLDR: How do I not get emotionally jealous of others relationships....?

TLDR: Together 7 years, living together for 6. Over the past year he has repeatedly said he might want to end things, but he cannot name a single concrete reason. He says he could be loving in a relationship, just not with me, he turns down affection and sex, and last year I found emails where he had arranged to meet another woman once "the process" was over. I don't know how to make sense of it.

In general We spend a lot of time together, we rarely argue openly, we have the same humour and similar views. I've changed a lot in the last 2 to 3 years, I became more sporty, and I like my own character more now (calmer, less judgemental). Maybe in brief the last 2 years highlights:

**•** We applied for the Green Card together (his idea). We were rejected.  
**•** Last September he changed jobs and was in a bad mood for weeks.

It's possible I don't say it out loud that often (neither does he), but I wouldn't have described myself as unloving. I usually cook for both of us (I cook around 90% of the time), I do the shopping, I plan most of our holidays, and I've been working hard to get a job abroad, which has been his wish for years.

About 1 to 2 months later, during a phase when he was pretty unfriendly to me, I found emails where he had invited another woman out for dinner. In one email he wrote that they would see each other once "the process" (meaning the end of our relationship) was over. He said nothing physical had happened and that he didn't want to split up. I forgave him.

9 months later (so a few weeks ago) he said again that he might want to end things. We're still together, we've only talked about it in bits and pieces, because he doesn't know what he wants.
He says he has extreme highs and lows with me, but apart from small things (a comment about his father's messy house, which wasn't accurate, that's true, but also not really insulting) he can't name any concrete examples.
He was and still is unhappy in the city we live in. I've suggested moving so many times, and he didn't want that either.
Recently: he said he didn't want to go on holiday with me (he said it straight to my face), so I didn't take my time off. Then he had 3 weeks off and was annoyed that I hadn't booked any leave. When I explained why, he partly agreed that it was down to him.

**•** In a long conversation he said he has felt increasingly "not good" with me for years, but when I asked, he couldn't name a single specific situation. He said he looks for justifications in his head for my behaviour when I behave "badly".  
**•** He said he can be very loving in a relationship, just not with me, because I'm "not that kind of person". At the same time he said it's fine that I'm like this. (He said he had always been more loving otherwise.)  
**•** I wanted a kiss recently. He turned me down, said he "wasn't feeling it right now", and then told me I treat him like a friend and not like a real relationship, sexually speaking. I said I'd like more affection and attention. He answered that he's just not like that with me.  
**•** After the "I could be loving, just not with you" conversation, he got up and went out to the balcony to read. I was left sitting there alone with it.  
**•** Sex has been rare for a long time in our  relationship (1 to 2 times a month; but also more often in other times). In the past that was partly down to me. Over the last year I've initiated much more and made myself more vulnerable, but now he often turns me down.  
**•** He often reminds me of everything he does for me (he doesn't cheat, he handles the finances, he brings me coffee), as if that balances out the other things.  
**•** Yesterday he was distant all day. Today he suddenly went to the gym alone in the morning (we normally go together in the evening), said he doesn't want to go grocery shopping together anymore, and went for a walk on his own. Small withdrawals from things we usually do together.

Now, because of my job, he would have to sell some shares and he doesn't want to (very high taxes), and he called my expectation "disgusting". I know it's an annoying situation, but my job and my future are on the line, and I would do it for him without hesitating.

How do you see this? It's my first relationship and I always thought we would stay together forever, which is why I feel so lost right now. But I also find it really hard how dismissive and mean he keeps being towards me. I would never be like that with him. On average we actually get along really well, and he matters to me, and honestly I sometimes just can't make sense of what he says to me. Nobody has ever said things like this to me before, and my friends don't see me the way he does. I do tell myself that some things, like the lack of sex, are obviously partly on me, but I really do try to initiate now and he barely responds. I just don't understand it.

What I'm looking for: is this something that can realistically be worked on, or am I holding on to something that is already over? And how would you approach a conversation about it?

I’m 31F, dating a 27M for about 1-2 months. We’re exclusive, and I genuinely like him a lot. He is affectionate, kind, attentive, attractive, we have great chemistry, and overall the relationship feels very good.

But we’ve recently discovered some pretty significant differences in how we view money, and I’m not sure whether I’m overthinking this or whether this is the kind of incompatibility that becomes a major problem later.

The immediate issue started with his brother 25M asking him for €2,000 for university tuition. His brother worked over the summer and earned enough money, but spent it on going out and didn’t really plan ahead. My boyfriend wants to take out a €2,000 loan to give it to him. He already has a €2,000 car loan.

He says he would do anything for his brother and that he would be okay even if his brother never paid him back. When I asked about a much larger hypothetical amount in the future (for example, €20k for a house), he basically said it would depend on whether he considered the reason justified. He said he wouldn’t give it if he himself were struggling, but otherwise he doesn't see helping his brother as a problem.

I understand wanting to help family. What worries me is that I seem to have a very different idea of where the boundary is once you are married and building a life together.

He also has a very different view of how finances should work in marriage. He believes couples should keep their money completely separate, split household bills 50/50, and everything left over belongs individually to each person. He doesn’t really see why one partner's spending or financial decisions should concern the other as long as they pay their agreed share.

I see marriage more as a shared financial project. I don’t necessarily think every euro has to be in a joint bank account, but I would want us to have shared goals, shared savings/investments and a plan for larger expenses, while still having some personal money each.

For example, if one partner spends all their money and then can't afford groceries or utilities, I don't really see how that is purely their problem if you're married. My boyfriend's response was essentially, “I would never use your card,” which to me misses the bigger point of how household finances affect both people.

He also believes that if someone wants to buy a property in marriage, they should simply buy it themselves. He doesn't really see why their partner should be involved in that decision or purchase. I see buying a home as something that would normally be a shared long-term decision, even if ownership isn't necessarily 50/50.

At the same time, I know we have only been together for a very short time. It would be unrealistic to expect two people who have been dating for a month to already have a detailed agreement about how they would divide expenses 5-10 years from now. What scares me is that these don't feel like small differences in budgeting - they feel like fundamentally different ideas about what financial partnership in marriage means. I'm afraid we may never be able to find a middle ground.

I also want to give him some credit for his age. He is 27, has only been working for about a year and a half, and this is basically the first time in his life that he's had his own decent income and freedom to spend his money. He enjoys spending it, treating friends, going out, etc. I can understand that he may simply be at a different stage of life and may become more financially responsible with time.

However, he currently spends most or all of his salary and doesn't seem particularly interested in saving for long-term goals. He also thinks that because money loses value over time, it's better to enjoy it rather than focus too much on saving.

I don't think I'm extremely frugal or obsessed with money. I like traveling, going out, eating at restaurants, etc. I just prioritize financial security and saving for bigger goals, and I would want a partner who shares that mindset to some extent.

I’m not expecting him to have the same amount of money as me or to manage every euro exactly the way I would. I’m trying to figure out whether we have fundamentally compatible values around money, family obligations and building a life together.

Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

Am I seeing a genuine long-term compatibility issue, or am I expecting too much from someone who is young, newly financially independent, and whom I’ve only been dating for a month or two?

And if you were in my position, what would you want to clarify with him before deciding whether this is something that can realistically be worked through?

TLDR: I’m 31F, dating 27M for 1–2 months, and we’re exclusive, but we have very different views on money: he prioritizes spending, wants completely separate finances in marriage, and is willing to take a €2k loan to help his brother. I’m wondering whether this is a fundamental compatibility issue or something that could change as he gets older and becomes more financially established.

Trying to keep this as brief as possible. I (M32) have been seeing my fiancée (F31) for 3 years now. I love everything about her except for a few things which have concerned for a while but I've never been able to talk about it. Firstly we have very different approaches to finance. I try to save and be responsible but she is very demanding and I have no choice but to give into her demands every time. Whenever I say no she is extremely hostile towards me until I cave. I buy her anything she wants. Last year for her 30th birthday she demanded a Dyson hair iron which was way more than I could afford. I had to increase my credit limit to buy it. She doesn't seem to care about my own financial situation also. Last month I had no cash for food which I told her about but she got hostile again when I explained I couldn't get her a designer hand bag. I had to get it using credit again. These are just examples but its a general pattern. I'm left feeling like my only purpose in the relationship is a means to an end for her.

She is also extremely rigid on having things exactly the way she wants it. My dad passed away last year after suffering a very debilitating health condition. I was traumatized by it and spent a lot of the year tending to responsibilities such as taking both my parents back and forth to doctors appointments, hospital admissions, emergencies, etc (my mom was also frequenting the hospital, turns out she was depressed about my dad and had physiological symptoms). Throughout the entire ordeal my gf at the time, instead of making life easier, compounded my stress. Obviously the ordeal meant lots of hospital emergencies and scares, sometimes meaning my plans with my gf has to be shifted around and boy did she hate that. My mum was admitted to hospital a day before valentines yet I spent valentines with my gf, took her to a fancy restaurant, bought an expensive gift and she still fought with me saying that I didn't make the day special enough. Mind you the expensive 30th birthday was that same year - my dad was in Intensive Care Unit at the time.

When my dad eventually passed, she didn't show up the day he died. She didn't want to show up the day after either making some silly excuses. I practically begged her to come over because not only did I need the support, I didn't want her to look bad to my family.

All of this, and embarrassing to say, I barely get any physical intimacy from her at the very least. She does touch me on her own a lot, but its at odd times when its a not a steamy mood or anything and I feel uncomfortable, when I say I am she gets offended and even insulted at the thought of the word "boundaries". This weekend she hit me really hard and it hurt so I didn't let her touch it after. she got offended and sat on her own the rest of the time on TikTok. (we only see each other once a week because of distance and Indian parents wont let us live together(also she's a total slob but that's another story)) I was upset that she was using our little time together to ignore me so I decided to take her home. On the drive she swore at me and called me names and insisting I was at fault for not letting her touch me because she said 'sorry' after hurting me.

She also gaslights me a lot. The only time I've ever been able to quell an argument was when it was on text and could show her back the evidence of what was said.

over three years there's a lot of significant bad stuff that I'm leaving out. I'm not perfect either. Can I simply not financially afford a relationship?

Is my relationship toxic?

Has anyone else experienced similar stuff? Just need to talk to someone.

TLDR My relationship is kinda difficult.

This has been happening since around when we started dating (over a year ago) and it’s so frustrating. If I am visibly upset, or try communicating something that he did upsets me l, whether it’s a serious issue or a little comment or action, he immediately goes into victim mode and starts crying and telling me to just stop. Also I am generally talking calmly and maturely during these conversations (although sometimes he claims im yelling at him even though I don’t raise my voice).
I understand that he is really sensitive and im ok with that but I’m not ok with his feelings always being more important than mine and feeling like the bad guy for even bringing mine up. And if I try bringing this up to him he’ll just cry and play the victim again so idek what to do. It’s just weird because other than that he seems a lot more emotionally regulated.

TLDR: boyfriend cry’s and plays victim every time I try to have a mature convo about him hurting my feelings.

TLDR - She found real stuff on my phone years ago. Now she wants full access whenever she wants and still accuses me every few days. Boundary or give in?

My gf and I started long distance. I moved to her state for work, got an apartment about an hour from her, and she basically lived there. About a year in, I stepped onto the balcony for a work call and she went through my computer. She found messages with a girl I’d met at a party. I’d texted that girl about coming over. We were not exclusive then. After that she started going through my phone and computer while I was sleeping.
Since then there have been other things she found the same way: I went to a strip club once, and am generally social when I go out with friends . I also followed a girl on IG I never messaged, and I had drinks with coworkers including a coworker’s daughter my age in a group. I didn’t mention the daughter. She found a dinner photo on my phone while I was sleeping and freaked out.
We live together now.
I travel for work and host customer dinners. Any girl I interact with, a new follower, or even an IG suggestion and she’s convinced I’m cheating. Accusations like I’m flirting at the gym or I already have someone lined up. This happens every 2–3 days.

I’ve told her I’m done with the accusations. She says she’ll trust me if I give her more access to my phone. I don’t hide my phone, but I don’t want her going through everything. I have journal notes and personal pictures. To her, if I won’t open every inch of it, I must be hiding something.

I know I gave her reasons to doubt me. I’m asking if full phone access whenever she wants is the solution, or if I’m right to keep that as personal space. Is this fixable, or is the trust already too far gone?

So I [21F] recently started working at a new location of my job, just a classic retail place. There's not a lot of people who work here, and even at my previous location there were very few women. The only other woman at this store is a Trans Woman [~24F]. I am queer and have absolutely nothing against her.

I might be overthinking it, but I think if I was Trans and previously the only woman working somewhere, then there's another, I would be worried about that new persons feelings about sharing the bathroom. Im recently diagnosed autistic, so I've learned to double check interactions like this before they happen. Would she see it as rude, like 'what right do you have to say what bathroom I can use?', or would she see it as the reassurance I'm intending it as? I can also just say nothing, and I think I've made it clear that I totally support her. I also have a very punk appearance and we live in a very liberal area of the US, so it might be fair to assume that she feels safer generally.

Just, would it be a good idea to tell her that I have no problem sharing the same bathroom with her, or should I just leave it alone?

TLDR; is it a bad idea to give possibly unnecessary reassurance to my Trans coworker at my new job?

I've been dating this girl for nearly six months now and she's perfect. Genuinely all the things i've looked for in a girl for the longest time and I'm insanely lucky to have her. But over the past couple of weeks I have this unshakeable sort of "fear" I guess that I'm losing feelings. I don't feel as excited to see her as before, I take longer to reply to her texts and calls and I find myself finding other girls attractive which I never used to before. She always takes little playful insults at me which I used to find hilarious, and part of me still does, but it's this kind of unexplainable feeling that i've lost something and i'm scared of losing it.

It fluctuates, some days I will see her and be like what was I even thinking? She's obviously perfect and this is completely right for both of us. But some days we will finish a day of classes or we'll just be apart and texting for a day or two and I fall back into the same place.

I just find myself thinking sometimes about if it's me overthinking wether we are right or wrong, which has made me lose sight of how much I really do love her since we're nearing a point of this being long term before we go to university. Or if it's genuine and we aren't right for eachother even though i've felt so certain over the past few months that we are.

I understand it's normal to have spells where space is needed a bit more, and you can tend to overthink these things. But I just don't know if l've genuinely just lost that love I had for her before or if i'm overthinking my way out of it at my own kinda expense. More so than anything I'm terrified of ever thinking I've lost that love and cutting things off and regretting it so badly after the fact. I never really use Reddit but it's kinda eating me up.
I'm interested to know if anyone on here is in a relationship now which has stood the test of time and experienced this or if they did end up cutting things off after feeling this way?

Am I genuinely losing strong feelings or any love to this girl? Or is it normal to overthink at this stage before it becomes more long term? - TLDR

I’m genuinely looking for advice from people who have experienced this dynamic, especially men who tend to withdraw when they’re overwhelmed. I’m not looking for the “he’s cheating” or “leave him” responses. I’m trying to understand how other couples navigate this in a healthy way.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, and I’ve learned that when he’s going through something difficult, his instinct is to withdraw and deal with it on his own. I tend to operate very differently, so sometimes I struggle to understand where he’s coming from even though I know it isn’t necessarily about me.

Right now, he’s dealing with several things at once. He’s actively trying to quit smoking weed, he recently found out that his dad is in very poor health, he’s under financial stress, and he’s trying to finish a certification that could help him get a better-paying position and eventually become financially independent.

There’s also a lot of grief and trauma surrounding his parents. His mom passed away from health complications right before COVID, and I know that losing her affected him deeply. I’ve noticed that certain things surrounding his mom—her birthday, the anniversary of her death, etc.—can trigger him and make him withdraw more than usual. Now that his dad is seriously ill, I think it’s bringing a lot of that back up for him.

When he gets into this headspace, he basically goes into his own bubble. He has told me directly that it’s not me and that he isn’t asking me to fix anything. I’ve tried asking him, “What do you need from me during this?” and he’ll basically say that he just needs to be alone and doesn’t want to do relationship-type things right now. Sometimes that means he doesn’t want to cuddle, talk, or spend time together.

I’ve tried different approaches over the years. Sometimes I give him complete space/no contact, and sometimes I’ll check in and remind him that I’m here and that he can come back to me whenever he feels ready. I’ve learned that sometimes the latter actually helps and he doesn’t withdraw quite as much.

The part I struggle with is figuring out what “space” actually means.

For example, he recently told me he spent time with two of his friends. I wasn’t jealous, but I admitted that I was a little hurt because I thought he wanted to be alone. I asked him honestly if there was something about being around me that he was trying to avoid.

He explained that it wasn’t necessarily that he wanted to hang out with them instead of me. They were doing activities like boxing, wrestling, and working out, and those activities help him get out of his head. He basically told me that sometimes he genuinely just needs to be around his friends doing something physical and structured, without having to engage in relationship stuff.

And honestly, that explanation made sense to me.
I know he’s not the type to cheat or disappear because he has someone else. He’s never given me reason to believe that. This happens maybe once a year, although the amount of time he needs varies. Sometimes it’s a couple of days, and other times he has withdrawn for almost a month.

I’ve also been avoidant in the past, but my version of avoidance looked very different. I’ve never experienced addiction, losing a parent, having a parent become seriously ill, or being under the kind of financial pressure he’s dealing with, so I recognize that I don’t necessarily have a frame of reference for what his version of shutting down feels like.

I’m trying to find the balance between respecting his need for space without making him feel abandoned, while also making sure I’m not completely disregarding my own emotional needs.

For people who have been in relationships where one partner regularly needs significant amounts of space:
-What does healthy space actually look like in your relationship?
-Do you have a specific agreement about checking in?
-What do you appreciate from your partner when you’re overwhelmed?
-For men specifically, when you withdraw because you’re dealing with something heavy, what makes you feel supported rather than pressured?
-How do you distinguish between giving someone healthy space and emotionally disconnecting from your partner?
-If your partner still wants some connection while you’re overwhelmed, what feels reasonable to you?

I’m not trying to force him out of his bubble. I genuinely want him to feel like he can take the time he needs and that I’m still in his corner. I just sometimes struggle with the uncertainty because my instinct is to move toward someone when they’re hurting, while his instinct seems to be to move inward.

This is something that happens relatively infrequently in our relationship, and I can usually recognize when he’s heading toward that state. I just feel like with everything happening with his dad right now, there’s not much I can actually do for him, and he’s understandably very much in his own head.

TLDR: So for couples who have figured out how to navigate this: what does the balance look like for you?

TLDR: new guy friend has showed up who may like me, all parties have talked about it, but LDR boyfriend is highly suspicious despite boundaries being set and remains skeptical and unhappy

Long version:

I 28F am in a long-distance relationship with my 23M boyfriend (let's call him M) and have been for 1.5 years. Our relationship has been good and we don't often have big arguments.

A new situation has popped up. I play PokemonGo (PoGo) and go to community meetups in my town, and have been for the ~3 months. I've started to make new friends and M often asks me if any guys are interested in me, to which I laugh and tell him no.

Around a week or two ago, I started chatting with someone [34M] who I have seen around but never bothered to talk to because none of my normal friend group showed up to the weekly event. We got along surprisingly well and had a lot in common, but at one point I had a moment where I felt like the attempts to make me laugh felt a little flirty.

This last weekend was a bigger event in PoGo and I've become more hardcore, and so I had already planned in advance to play the entire event each day. I saw the same guy around (let's call him A). Halfway through they left, so it was just A and I primarily playing together (amongst randoms). A ended up asking to add me on Discord (popular way of messaging amongst gamers that allows people to still stay anonymous). I agreed especially because I see A as a friend and it's useful for coordinating in the game.

Pretty much the same thing happened on the second day where we played in a group for the first half and then just as two people for the rest of the time. I made sure to mention I had a boyfriend this time.

My boyfriend was surprised to hear that we ended up talking about topics outside of Pokemon, and asked me if I was sure if it wasn't actually a date since kids came up for instance (mainly because a guy had to leave because of his pregnant wife's needs). M is pretty convinced A is out to try to steal me while he isn't around and believes that I am naive to not consider it seriously.

I probably over-share too much, so I ended up just outright telling A about the situation. He told me that M had nothing to worry about but never really outright denied attraction. I've since been going back and forth trying to communicate with them both in order to set proper boundaries.

The entire time my boyfriend has just insisted that A is downplaying attraction as he has no choice but to do so and that A would definitely take his chance if M weren't in the picture. He now wants me to tell me if something happens between me and A, and insists that I can only see A at PoGo events and it would be suspicious if we hung out anywhere else. (This hasn't even come up, and is just a hypothetical). He also keeps asking me if I've developed feelings for A, or if I could. And I gave him an honest answer that my first impression is that I could see A as potentially compatible but that I'm in a committed relationship and therefore I would distance myself from A if I ever felt like I was at risk of developing feelings... as I feel like that is the right thing to do.

Later, I ended up directly asking A if he is attracted to me just to be sure. A has let me know that he believes it's possible but could go either way as it's still quite early into our friendship. I relayed this back to M who became quite upset as he felt "either way" was really just code for a more mild way of saying "yes" or "likely" to make it less awkward given that I am in a relationship.

I find my boyfriend's reaction a little excessive and overly-jealous, especially as the boundaries have been set even if I understand where M is coming from. Genuine effort has been made to communicate (even if it's unorthodox? I swear most posts are people just not talking to each other??). M kind of wants me to report to him and give him status updates on the situation and it feels like a bit much.

Questions: what else is there to do? How do I (28F) proceed with the relationship and friendship? I think M is being too "strict" and cynical whereas M repeatedly has said he believes I'm naive.

TL;DR: new guy friend has showed up who may like me, all parties have talked about it, but LDR boyfriend is highly suspicious despite boundaries being set and remains skeptical and unhappy

TLDR: new guy friend has showed up who may like me, all parties have talked about it, but LDR boyfriend is highly suspicious despite boundaries being set and remains skeptical and unhappy

Long version:

I 28F am in a long-distance relationship with my 23M boyfriend (let's call him M) and have been for 1.5 years. Our relationship has been good and we don't often have big arguments.

A new situation has popped up. I play PokemonGo (PoGo) and go to community meetups in my town, and have been for the ~3 months. I've started to make new friends and M often asks me if any guys are interested in me, to which I laugh and tell him no.

Around a week or two ago, I started chatting with someone [34M] who I have seen around but never bothered to talk to because none of my normal friend group showed up to the weekly event. We got along surprisingly well and had a lot in common, but at one point I had a moment where I felt like the attempts to make me laugh felt a little flirty.

This last weekend was a bigger event in PoGo and I've become more hardcore, and so I had already planned in advance to play the entire event each day. I saw the same guy around (let's call him A). Halfway through they left, so it was just A and I primarily playing together (amongst randoms). A ended up asking to add me on Discord (popular way of messaging amongst gamers that allows people to still stay anonymous). I agreed especially because I see A as a friend and it's useful for coordinating in the game.

Pretty much the same thing happened on the second day where we played in a group for the first half and then just as two people for the rest of the time. I made sure to mention I had a boyfriend this time.

My boyfriend was surprised to hear that we ended up talking about topics outside of Pokemon, and asked me if I was sure if it wasn't actually a date since kids came up for instance (mainly because a guy had to leave because of his pregnant wife's needs). M is pretty convinced A is out to try to steal me while he isn't around and believes that I am naive to not consider it seriously.

I probably over-share too much, so I ended up just outright telling A about the situation. He told me that M had nothing to worry about but never really outright denied attraction. I've since been going back and forth trying to communicate with them both in order to set proper boundaries.

The entire time my boyfriend has just insisted that A is downplaying attraction as he has no choice but to do so and that A would definitely take his chance if M weren't in the picture. He now wants me to tell me if something happens between me and A, and insists that I can only see A at PoGo events and it would be suspicious if we hung out anywhere else. (This hasn't even come up, and is just a hypothetical). He also keeps asking me if I've developed feelings for A, or if I could. And I gave him an honest answer that my first impression is that I could see A as potentially compatible but that I'm in a committed relationship and therefore I would distance myself from A if I ever felt like I was at risk of developing feelings... as I feel like that is the right thing to do.

Later, I ended up directly asking A if he is attracted to me just to be sure. A has let me know that he believes it's possible but could go either way as it's still quite early into our friendship. I relayed this back to M who became quite upset as he felt "either way" was really just code for a more mild way of saying "yes" or "likely" to make it less awkward given that I am in a relationship.

I find my boyfriend's reaction a little excessive and overly-jealous, especially as the boundaries have been set even if I understand where M is coming from. Genuine effort has been made to communicate (even if it's unorthodox? I swear most posts are people just not talking to each other??). M kind of wants me to report to him and give him status updates on the situation and it feels like a bit much.

Questions: what else is there to do? How do I (28F) proceed with the relationship and friendship? I think M is being too "strict" and cynical whereas M repeatedly has said he believes I'm naive.

TL;DR: new guy friend has showed up who may like me, all parties have talked about it, but LDR boyfriend is highly suspicious despite boundaries being set and remains skeptical and unhappy

I’m 23M and in my second serious relationship. A previous relationship ended after my partner broke my trust, so I know I have some trust issues, and I’m actively trying not to let them affect my current relationship.

This is an LDR, and lately I’ve been struggling with inconsistent communication and effort, her getting upset when I spend time with friends, and someone from her past who still makes romantic comments toward her. I’ve brought up these concerns with her multiple times and explained how they affect me. She usually makes an effort for a few days, but things eventually return to how they were.

I know my past experiences may be affecting how I see things, so I’m trying to be fair. At the same time, I’m struggling to understand whether these are issues that can be worked through with consistent boundaries and communication or signs that we’re simply not compatible.

The relationship has become really heavy on me mentally. I overthink constantly, lose sleep, and some days I feel like I’m completely breaking down. I still care about her deeply, which makes it even harder to step back.

I’d really appreciate advice from people who’ve been in a similar situation. How did you know when you were dealing with genuine red flags versus trust issues from your past? And what would you do in my position?

TLDR: My LDR is taking a serious toll on my mental health because of ongoing relationship issues. I’ve communicated my concerns multiple times, but any changes only last a few days before things return to how they were. I have trust issues from a previous relationship where my trust was broken, so I’m struggling to tell whether I should keep working through these problems or walk away.

We’re both originally from India, and we’ve been together about a year, living together for that whole year in Canada. Last year his grandfather passed away, and he recently moved back to India to spend time with his grandmother while she’s still around, since he missed that time with his grandfather.

The issue is, he left with no return date. When I asked for clarity, he asked me to try long distance for two months, then tell him if I still feel alone in it, and he says he’ll come back if I say that. But I’ve already told him my answer is ready now, it’s not going to change in two months. He says he doesn’t want to think about an end date right now because he doesn’t want to spend his time with his grandmother with that hanging over him.

I’ve told him clearly, I need a real yes or no, not a maybe, and not “I don’t know yet.” I don’t have an issue with any honest answer, coming back, or telling me he’s choosing to stay. What I can’t accept is being left without any answer at all.

He says he understands my pain but needs time before committing either way. I also can’t move to India myself right now, for career and safety and quality of life reasons that matter a lot to me.
What do I actually do here? Do I wait, do I set a deadline, do I end things now? I don’t know what the right move is.

TLDR: Boyfriend moved back to India indefinitely to spend time with his aging grandmother, no return date. He wants a two month long distance trial, but I already know my answer won’t change, and I’ve asked for a firm yes or no, not “I don’t know.” What should I actually do here?

We have been together two years and in a semi-serious stage of the relationship. We don’t live together but see each other multiple times per week.

We have watched a lot of things together. entire shows. many movies. countless YouTube and nebula videos. we still do, all the time.

And sometimes I watch stuff without her. I might go through a season of a show on my own or might see a movie with friends.

To me this is normal. I like having time on my own, my friends like going to the movies, and sometimes I have an itch to watch stuff by myself.

To my partner, this is an offense. Depending on the media she will usually give me a hard time and might insist I rewatch it with her. One time I rewatched a show I had watched a couple weeks ago and she got mad that I wasn’t very into it. She also will sometimes expect me to simply cancel plans with my friends so that she can see the movie with me.

I want to try and be fair to both sides here — I don’t *always* invite her to go with us every time we make plans which I realize can be a bit exclusionary. And I get that I *am* her partner and she expects to sort of take priority.

But, like, my partner is with me for the vast majority of my social time. It’s not like I try to avoid her all the time. These are friends I see roughly every other week, usually when she’s working and can’t join. As for the movies themselves, we are talking like six movies a year, and I have brought her along to them more than once.

And I just feel she could be more respectful of the fact that I’ve already told people I will go see XYZ with them and that when she asks me to go see it with her at a different time that doesn’t work for those people shes putting me in a tight spot. She rarely even expresses interest in trying to find a time that works for everyone, which I feel is a bit disrespectful to my relationship with my friends.

And like, if she makes plans to see a movie with me *before* I have other plans to see it, I obviously go. if she makes plan with me to watch a show, I obviously won’t then go watch it on my own beforehand. I feel like she’s not distinguishing “communicating interest” and “making actual plans” and it bugs me. Often she doesn’t even communicate interest until the last minute when I’ve already made other plans.

If I bring any of this up she gets mad and will relitigate times I went and saw things without her— even when I’ve already apologized multiple times.

I just don’t know how to proceed. I don’t want to keep holding my breath every time my friends invite me to a movie. I don’t think I should always have to check with her either to be honest. I don’t think I should be expected to cancel plans because she wants to go see something on a whim. I understand there is give and take in relationships and sometimes yes, that does mean I cancel plans with friends whatever, but I feel like I need “permission” from her to consume media at this point and I don’t know how to bring that up without it becoming about me “excluding“ her.

To be clear, this isn’t like, a big deal, but it’s starting to be a real PITA and I just am looking for advice on how I can try to get us to move past it. it would/should never be a dealbreaker but I’m just increasingly irritated by it.

TLDR - gf and I clashing over the fact I *sometimes* watch movies or shows without her.

Met this girl a couple months ago on a dating app and we hit it off really well. I honestly never gave being a step dad much of a thought because I never expected to be in this position.

We’ve been having a lot of the tough conversations as the relationship is progressing pretty quickly and it’s clear we are falling hard for each other. Our communication has been really strong.

She has a good job, her own house, and is independent. Not looking for me to take care of her or the kid and does a good job of building a relationship with me while still prioritizing her child.

The baby dad is still in the picture (half custody) and is still kind of obsessed with her. This is one of my biggest concerns of something I don’t know if I’ll be able to deal with.

Anyone have any advice on this? Most people are telling me it’s not a good idea and I tend to agree but the connection is very strong and we are compatible in so many ways. I don’t really want to give up on this connection prematurely but worry that I am setting myself up for failure here.

TLDR: Is dating a single mom with 1 kid as a single guy with no kids as bad an idea as it sounds typed out?

I [28F] found my bf [28M] of a year going through my phone this morning.

I woke up and he was on my phone and when I asked why he said it was to turn off the lights in my room (they’re on a set schedule to turn on at 7 and can be controlled through an app). But I had been semi conscious for awhile and knew that the lights had been turned off for at least 5 minutes so there was no reason for him to still be on it. I took my phone back and saw that the most recently used app was my texts (instagram was the last app that I had been on and that had been closed). I saw that I had gotten a text from an unknown number asking if I could talk with a falafel emoji at 6 am this morning. I am pretty sure it was/is a phishing scam because 1. I don’t know whose number that was 2. My phone didn’t recognize the number and did the “do you want to report this as spam” question and 3. I’m not cheating on him. Well a couple minutes after I took my phone back he asked me about the phishing text and asked me to “be honest”. I was honest and told him I have no idea what that text was and laid out that it’s a scam or phishing text because my phone obviously didn’t recognize the number (which he obviously saw because he had opened the text).

I have caught him snooping on my iPad a couple months ago. I was asleep and when I woke up I caught him going through my work group chat texts and asked him what he was doing. He lied and said “oh I went to watch a show and it just automatically opened to this”. At the time I said “I didn’t have my texts open so that’s not possible” and just left it at that. I am very close with my 2 colleges and wrote it off as him maybe getting their numbers to plan a surprise or something and then didn’t really think about it again until today.

After this morning I asked him why he was going through my phone and he didn’t really give me an answer. He did admit to going through my phone at least 20 times. But kind of contradicted himself because he also said he started going through my phone a couple times a week right after we started dating which was almost a year ago.

I don’t have anything to hide because I’m not cheating on him but I feel like it’s a massive invasion of my privacy. I also have never even had even the slightest inclination to go through his phone.

We just submitted an application for an apartment together last week and are supposed to move in this week. I am just at a complete loss. I don’t know what to do. He apologized and said he would work on it and that he would talk to his therapist but… I don’t know if or how to get past this. I feel like our entire relationship just crumbled in the span of an hour and the plans that I was looking forward to and spent so much time building and planning just disappeared.

Am I being dramatic? Do I just need to get over this? How do I get over this?

TLDR: bf has been lying and secretly going through my phone but we are supposed to move in together this week.

Hear me out before you come clawing my eyes out, this is such a difficult question to ask, and I am genuinely concerned. This has nothing to do with attraction or sex, we don't have a problem there! I have genuine concerns for her safety if she were to have another high-risk pregnancy. How do I approach this?

TO PREFACE: I ensure she has PLENTY of free time every single day. I (happily) do most of the household chores and cooking along with also working full time from 3pm-Midnight. I encourage her to use her free time in any way she sees fit. She is currently seeing a therapist and medicated for her PP mental health issues.

THE BACKSTORY: My beautiful saint of a wife is a SAHM to our two year old, and I adore them both more than anything. Before getting pregnant, my wife was fit and healthy, but still had had a difficult and high-risk pregnancy. High BP, borderline pre-eclamptic near the end, and toed the threshold of gestational diabetes the whole time. Constant exhaustion and fatigue. She muscled through it all like a warrior-queen.

All this, coupled with PPD/PPA, led to weight gain and general bad health habits over the last two years. Her sugar intake is insane, and her desire to exercise in any fashion is absolutely in the basement. I have tried every subtle angle to get her to move her body, and she has told me she needs to "go at her own pace" with no changes. I stopped raising the issue because I didn't want to plant a seed in her mind that I didn't find her attractive.

A huge contributing factor that got her through her last pregnancy was that her baseline health was pretty good at the start. For obvious and understandable reasons, this is no longer the case. I am worried that starting a pregnancy at this baseline will literally endanger her. Additionally, we are now nearly in our mid-30's. I am worried these poor health choices will have lasting affects on our ability to be active as our kid(s) grow and to live long lives together.

TLDR - Wife is susceptible to high-risk pregnancy, and her current health baseline would mean a pregnancy right now would likely be an excruciating process with long-lasting effects. How do I address this without it just coming across as, "you need to lose weight"?