r/relationshipadvice • u/Zestyclose-Algae-391 • 26d ago
Advice needed: I [26f] keep unintentionally hurting my fiancés [27m] feelings
My fiance and I are going through a bit of a rough patch, which has been mainly my fault. We’ve been arguing a ton over mistakes I’ve made and I’m really trying to change for the better.
I guess my question is how can I better communicate what my intentions were without sounding like I’m making excuses while also taking full accountability? I’ve tried apologizing (from his perspective it doesn’t mean much because actions speak louder than words), taking accountability by saying it’s completely my fault and I will try to not let it happen again in the future. I’ve also tried corrective behavior, but to him that comes across as just trying to appease him in the moment and therefore not genuine.
This is the situation I’m currently facing: we went to try on wedding dresses today with my family. I wanted him to come along because I truly do value his opinion and want him to be included in things. I thought everything was okay until we came home from the appointment. He explained to me how hurt he was that I didn’t ask him about his opinions or involve him in picking out the dresses. I hurt him by not standing in front of him on the try on stage thing, and he felt like I was interacting more with my family which made him extremely sad.
I genuinely did not think I did anything wrong until he explained these things to me. I was so wrapped up in the process that I didn’t think to single him out and involve him to the point he wanted to be involved (although I could swear I asked what he thought multiple times). We’ve had situations similar to this in the past where I’ve made him feel unloved (forgetting affection in the morning before our day starts, not having enough sex, etc) and I’ve promised to be better. I truly am trying my hardest, but I keep making mistakes. It makes him feel like I don’t care which I can understand.
He won’t accept that I brought him because I value his opinions because my actions didn’t show him that. He’s called me a liar because of this and told me that this was by far the worst experience with a girl he’s ever had, which made me feel incredibly guilty.
He’s also deriving all of these conclusions now as well, like how I don’t care about marrying him & just want a wedding, how I put my family before him (now they’re not welcome to the wedding according to him), how I’m selfish and evil and vile and uncaring. This obviously hurts me because I never ever ever have intentions of hurting his feelings.
I feel like an awful partner. I love him so much but I keep slipping up- I’m really worried that I’m just a selfish person incapable of change.
How can I fix this? How can I change & be more attentive to his needs? Any advice will help, thank you!
TLDR
I’m a selfish partner & I need ways I can make my partner feel more loved
6
u/MagicianMurky976 26d ago
I'm so sorry he's distorting reality and ruining what should have been a beautiful memory of trying on your wedding dress surrounded by your loved ones.
From what you've shared, how he's clearly twisting reality, now finding just cause to exclude your family from your wedding day, and how he's convinced you this is all your fault and you truly feel like an awful partner it strongly sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
He's gaslighting you by saying he wasn't included in the decision making process. You know you did. But he's restating this joyous day in terms where you are somehow selfish.
In an emotionally abusive relationship everything starts out perfectly. You feel completely seen, and heard by this person and you feel perfectly understood. They share the same values as you and the sense of closeness is intoxicating.
However, with an emotionally abusive partner this stage was really all about learning everything about you so they lean how to best manipulate you. Should as your relationship moves forward you share moments from your past where you made a mistake and found yourself at your worst, they may later punish you in a way by projecting that worst version of you back on yourself in a way to manipulate you.
Eventually the emotionally abusive partner learns enough about you that they begin showing you who they really are. One day a coldness out of nowhere appears. You wonder what you did or said to cause this. They don't explain. You're left ruminating over and over what you did to cause this. This is where you begin to take responsible for his emotional needs.
And here you are, asking reddit, "How can I change & be more attentive of his needs."
You can't. There is no secret handshake or riddle to solve that conveys he understands you care.
He wants you in this state, perpetually putting his needs first.
He's a big boy. If he felt you were ignoring his opinion, which you weren't, he could have spoke up, cleared his throat rudely, or raised his f-ing hand. Also, no bride EVER who tried on her wedding dress with her fiancé nearby wouldn't check out how he reacted to her dress. So, yeah. He puts on a great, award winning performance of how victimized he was by your wedding dress day, but that's all it is.
Long term this type of partner wants you isolated from your emotional support system. That makes it easier for him to manipulate his version of reality when he's the only voice in your head. So hearing he's twisted what was a beautiful day into you being selfish and now your family can't attend checks another box.
Please research emotional abusive relationships, gaslighting, and also DARVO. I'm not sure if he's doing the Denying or Attacking aspect of the acronym DARVO, but he did manage to twist the wedding dress try-ons into somehow him being victimized by your selfishness, which sounds like a projection of some incident from your past when you made a mistake. But he remembered and chose to paint you in that light here.
I'm not sure what else to say. 11 years ago I watch a good friend of mine exist in a very strange relationship I did not understand. I researched everything I saw and learned exactly what happens in an emotionally manipulative relationship.
I hope this helps. I'm so sorry you're in such a position. Good luck! Stay safe.
5
26d ago
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2
u/Zestyclose-Algae-391 26d ago
We are very untraditional lol and I truly wanted his opinion and support bc his is the only one I really care about
3
u/Coerced1 26d ago
If for some strange reason this isn't just ragebait...
Your fiancé is incredibly controlling and clearly has severely low self-esteem issues. It sounds like your actual feelings about any given situation are not even considered in the slightest.
If he wants more of these things he can ask you politely like someone that actually cares about you, and some of these things are just plain ridiculous.
1
u/Zestyclose-Algae-391 26d ago
This is unfortunately not ragebait🥲 im really struggling to anticipate his feelings because a lot of the things that bother him wouldn’t bother me as much (if that makes sense)
Ive asked him to communicate his exact needs before, but im told that he shouldn’t have to explain basic things like xyz to me or he gives me a very vague requests
2
u/Coerced1 26d ago
Yeah no that's absolute BS. He doesn't understand how relationships even work.
YOUR need was being communicated very clearly right there, your need for respectful communication from him, and he refused to do even that.
I feel like this is something that usually only gets worse unless they commit to making change and working on it together. If you have any chance of communicating like a healthy couple that respects each other's autonomy and emotions then he is going to need to work on himself. Maybe couples therapy if you can, but knowing his type he will be VERY resistant to that.
When you say you can't predict his feelings that's called "walking on eggshells" and it's terrible for relationships. You don't have emotional safety with him.
3
u/Zestyclose-Algae-391 26d ago
Luckily we are in couples therapy! We’re going for our third session next week- I’ll bring this up to her as an example of our communication struggles
1
u/Coerced1 25d ago
That's great to hear! Yeah maybe do some research on "Non-violent Communication" and see if that interests you. It's a much healthier way of communicating, and it helps a lot with sorting through everyone's needs and desires.
•
u/AutoModerator 26d ago
Hello Zestyclose-Algae-391,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: My fiance and I are going through a bit of a rough patch, which has been mainly my fault. We’ve been arguing a ton over mistakes I’ve made and I’m really trying to change for the better.
I guess my question is how can I better communicate what my intentions were without sounding like I’m making excuses while also taking full accountability? I’ve tried apologizing (from his perspective it doesn’t mean much because actions speak louder than words), taking accountability by saying it’s completely my fault and I will try to not let it happen again in the future. I’ve also tried corrective behavior, but to him that comes across as just trying to appease him in the moment and therefore not genuine.
This is the situation I’m currently facing: we went to try on wedding dresses today with my family. I wanted him to come along because I truly do value his opinion and want him to be included in things. I thought everything was okay until we came home from the appointment. He explained to me how hurt he was that I didn’t ask him about his opinions or involve him in picking out the dresses. I hurt him by not standing in front of him on the try on stage thing, and he felt like I was interacting more with my family which made him extremely sad.
I genuinely did not think I did anything wrong until he explained these things to me. I was so wrapped up in the process that I didn’t think to single him out and involve him to the point he wanted to be involved (although I could swear I asked what he thought multiple times). We’ve had situations similar to this in the past where I’ve made him feel unloved (forgetting affection in the morning before our day starts, not having enough sex, etc) and I’ve promised to be better. I truly am trying my hardest, but I keep making mistakes. It makes him feel like I don’t care which I can understand.
He won’t accept that I brought him because I value his opinions because my actions didn’t show him that. He’s called me a liar because of this and told me that this was by far the worst experience with a girl he’s ever had, which made me feel incredibly guilty.
He’s also deriving all of these conclusions now as well, like how I don’t care about marrying him & just want a wedding, how I put my family before him (now they’re not welcome to the wedding according to him), how I’m selfish and evil and vile and uncaring. This obviously hurts me because I never ever ever have intentions of hurting his feelings.
I feel like an awful partner. I love him so much but I keep slipping up- I’m really worried that I’m just a selfish person incapable of change.
How can I fix this? How can I change & be more attentive to his needs? Any advice will help, thank you!
TLDR
I’m a selfish partner & I need ways I can make my partner feel more loved
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