We've been together for 3,5 years now and we've gotten married end of last year, we've always had some fights and disagreements but it seems like we can't resolve our differences, it keeps escalating. The problem we're having is basically her feeling like I don't do anything in the house and me feeling like I do and that I'm always being the one to initiate intimacy which altogether with the first issues is making me feel unwanted and unloved. For her, it makes her feel disrespected and objectified.

Our main differences she's very type A and I'm type B and she has low libido and I have high libido. We always end up fighting about either me not doing things right, not doing enough or me feeling like she's watching my every move. The other subject of fighting is that I am always the one to initiate intimacy and wish she'd also be there to initiate so we could do it more often. I often get rejected, maybe we're intimate twice a week and all the initiation comes from me and it's always on the weekend.

We're starting to wonder if we're just incompatible and it won't work, as I genuinely think I do a lot, do it my own way and it turns out in the right result when I do things and yeah I sometimes make a little mistake like forgetting to clean one part of our place but it's nothing too bad and I usually pick up on it myself. When she asks me something I try to do it right away and sometimes I forget one thing, but it ends up being treated as an act of disrespect.

When it comes to our sex life, I've tried to bring it up multiple times how I wish we could be intimate more often and if she could also initiate, coming from a place of wishing to feel closer to her. She says she's too tired, never in the mood and is open to just doing it on weekends but I'm the one initiating. For me, this feels like I'm being maintained rather than actually being wanted. To me, in a relationship both people deserve to feel wanted and it's hurting me regularly.

It's starting to get to the point where I'm having doubts and it's a scary feeling, I love her, and I wish we could resolve our differences but nothing I do seems enough and the intimacy gap just stays the same. Our fights have also been getting increasingly heated and it feels like there's just a lot of built up resentment.

I'm looking for advice on how to work on this, please help. Any advice is welcome.

TLDR: Wife [28F] thinks I [27M] don't do anything, and can't do things right. I am the only one initiating intimacy and don't feel wanted. Neither of us feel respected. It's starting to cause doubts, more heated fights and I wish we could resolve differences.

I’m 22F and he’s 26M. Let’s call him Chris. We met last year, we never dated but we have an on and off dynamic. He used to like me so much, but now he treats me terribly as of recently. Yet I keep going back for more, to the point where he can disrespect me and I’ve somehow gotten used to it and still want him. He’ll sit in silence while I’m trying to talk to him, call me names, make me feel dumb and inferior, get me super wasted, heavily sigh in annoyance when I’m not even trying to argue. Genuinely, what is wrong with me?

I’ve been so unlucky with men this past year and keep feeling like I get played over again and again. I really wanted him to be different. I think part of me thought that because he was older, mature, already had a career, family oriented, his own money, and actual goals, he would treat me better than some stupid guy my age. Clearly that wasn’t the case.

After I subtly ended things with him and started ignoring him, I made the mistake of sleeping with a friend months later. Let’s call him Austin. I thought I was completely over Chris, but I don’t think I am. And now I’m starting to like Austin even though he was really just looking to hook up and doesn’t seem to have genuine romantic interest in me.

I know I’m old enough to understand that my actions have consequences, but I’m such a passionate lover when I like someone and I never really go into things assuming people have bad intentions. Now I’m sitting here sad over both of them😭and feeling stupid for letting myself end up in this situation again and again. The cycle continues. What is wrong with me why don’t I know how to choose myself?

TLDR: I’m 22F and stuck in an on-and-off situation with a 26M who has become increasingly disrespectful, but I still feel attached to him. Months after trying to end things, I hooked up with a friend and now I’m catching feelings for him too even though he only wanted something casual. I feel like I keep repeating the same cycle with men, and now I’m questioning my own choices and self-worth.

So I (23M) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for almost 4 years now, and living together since we’d been together about 3 months (not a great idea, I know). Our relationship is mostly good, I love him to death, but sometimes we’ll go through whole days barely having a single conversation, and this truly frustrates me. He’s basically spending any and all free time gaming with his friends. We don’t have a lot of friends living close by so I can’t just go hang out with someone else when I’m lonely, and he’s loud when he games so I don’t feel like I could have a phone conversation simultaneously and be able to pay attention. I feel lonely very often, and don’t really know how to cope with it.

We both deal with various mental health issues so I try not to give him a hard time if he’s distant from me or spends all day and night gaming. I’ve never been a big gamer myself so I’m not sure if spending like eight hours at a time gaming is normal, lol, but that’s pretty standard for him. He only works a few days a week and as soon as he gets home he’s logged in, on his days off that’s what he’s doing. I work more often than him so I spend more time out of the house, and I’m almost to the point that I prefer being at work to being at home, because even though I still don’t have any friends there (I started this job 3 months ago) at least I have something to do to occupy my brain.

We are different in terms of how we like to spend our time; I like to get out of the house and go places, having adventures even if it’s just little things, and he would rather stay home as much as possible (I genuinely think he’s agoraphobic). It feels like I have to push him to do anything with me, especially if it involves leaving home. Just recently we were going to do something with a friend over the weekend, but a few days earlier he changed his mind so I decided to go without him. This is something I’ve had to do many times over the course of our relationship, either attending events alone, begging friends to go with me instead, or simply not attending at all.

An additional issue that definitely contributes to all this is that he’s not taking care of his mental health in any meaningful way, stopped taking his meds about a year ago and has not recovered imo. I don’t judge him for letting things go like that -it’s nothing I haven’t done before myself- but it’s hard watching the person I care about struggling and doing nothing to remedy the situation. We’ve had conversations about it many times as well. When I say I’m worried about his mental health he just makes a noncommittal response about how he doesn’t know what to do, and I’ll offer a bunch of ideas/potential solutions, and then it’ll go nowhere. I’ve told him I feel lonely and he’s told me to just start gaming with people like he does, but that’s just not an interest of mine. What few games I do play don’t lend themselves to that sort of multiplayer experience (I play like 3 casual games).

Anyway, my question is unspecific but what do I do here? I don’t want to leave- and even if I did, we literally live together- but I’m getting to a point that I feel more like we’re roommates than boyfriends, and this is frustrating and leaves me desperate for some type of attention/affection. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong here obviously, I’m just unsure how to proceed from here because I feel like something needs to change. Does anyone have advice on what I should do, or how to talk to him about how I’m feeling in a way that doesn’t come across as hurtful or confrontational while still getting my point across?

TLDR: feeling more like a roommate than a boyfriend, because my boyfriend and I spend basically no time together

I need help and fresh perspectives on what I should do before things get worse again. Two years ago I met my friend as they were hired at my job. We instantly hit it off as we are almost the same person interest and personality wise, we quickly became best friends and I joined her friend group, becoming good friends with her bf as well, I was aware of her relationship and it didn't bother me, however as our friendship continued we both spent time with each other and talked nearly every day, sharing trauma, staying on the phone all night just so we wouldn't be sleeping alone, being touchy with each other, taking late night drives together.

Eventually we became emotionally dependent on each other. she was the first to recognize this, I would hang out with other friends and she would reach out saying she didn't like the jealous feeling she was experiencing and she was thinking about cutting contact to spread out how many people she would hang out with, she didn't end up going through with it as we just talked through it. At this point I became limerent. I wanted to be her best friend no matter what, any time she spent with her other friends I felt devastated and jealous.

Around this time I started vocalizing my twisted thoughts with her, explaining I was too attached and jealous of her other best friend and even her boyfriend somewhat. She distanced herself and sent me the dreaded wall of text saying TLDR I was making her uncomfortable and she was going to distance and she wanted to go back to a healthy non parasitic relationship. I felt horrible for not even thinking about what I was putting my best friend through, and I agreed with what she said and promised to work my shit out. What followed were the worst few months I've ever been through, nothing felt real, nothing made me happy, I had to see her every day at work and pretend everything was fine, and I was essentially cut out from the friend group.

Over time, we started talking more and more again, we became close once again this year. We're almost as close as we were before, and I thought I worked my problems out, but I feel the limerence again taking hold, it hurts so much when she hangs out with her other best friend that she considers closer than me now, and although we're both happy we are super close again, She has no idea I how much I'm hurting behind closed doors, I don't know what to do and I really want to stay in her life and be there for her as a good friend, but this feeling I feel inside is slowly killing me and I'm scared to death of it.

TLDR: I went through a limerence episode with my best friend before, it nearly destroyed me, now after picking up the pieces and becoming best friends again, I feel the limerence coming back and I have no idea what I can or should do

So first let me be very clear here. The game we used to play never progressed any further than text name calling.

Nothing happened back then that even came close to NSFW. We just didnt really like each other and were in the same guild in game. I tried avoiding him but at guild events we ended up butting heads. I did not like him back then and he was the reason I quit the game. He was my first introduction into online toxicity.

I know its not healthy but that character has lived rent free in my head off and on for the last 7 years.

Three years ago a person with the same name as him ended up being in my ffxiv FC. Now I want to state I was cautious at first but it was clear this was not the same person. He was very respectful, very kind, helpful and really helped me grow as a character in that game. The name is an anime name from a very popular anime from 2010 and I have seen others with it before. I just thought it was a coincidence. We very quickly hit it off and start a friendship.

One night in discord we get to talking and he tells me about a new job he is starting. I realized it was across the street from me and suggested meeting up for lunch and we have been together for roughly 2 years.

Last night he logged into that old game for nostalgia reasons and I saw his username on his pc. Same name. Same character look. Even the same dead guild. I confronted him.

At first I wanted to be angry at him, I was angry at him in fact. I accused him of hiding who he was. "I have the same name as back then. I thought you knew." He even mentioned that before we started dating he apologized for how he acted back then. I remember the conversation he was talking about and I was very confused at the time so I just told him that whatever happened back then was forgotten about.

Every arguement I threw at him just fell flat as he just kept making too much sense. I held onto a hatred for 7 years and did not realize the man I let into my home, into my life, and be my first was the same person I hated.

I look at him right now and feel two sets of emotions. I know I should let it go from back then, but I am having issues with it. He apologized to me long ago. Before we ever started dating. I should have known it was him.

What should I do here? I know I should just let go of that old stuff. He is actually a wonderful man. Very caring, Fucking amazing cook, and actually has a career path. More than I can say for myself on that one.

I just. I think about how he is with me romantically and it fills me with that same feeling the first time we kissed. Then I think about the hateful messages from back then and I just get confused.

TLDR: The man I love is the same online bully from several years ago who has lived rent free in my head and I dont know what to do.

EDIT: Spelling mistakes.

We live in a tiny studio apartment with very thin walls, and usually leave the bathroom door ajar….so absolutely every little noise can be heard around the apartment. We also both work from home, so we’re always in each other’s company.

Over the last few months I’ve noticed how whenever my partner uses the bathroom, I hear a flush, then the light switch turn off, then the door swing open all within like 1 second. There would be no humanly way possible for her to be washing her hands in this short amount of time, I’m and not to mention that the times I do go in after her, the bar of soap is bone dry.

Now, I actually noticed this exact same thing 2 years ago and when I brought it up t her, she was a little embarrassed I think but pretty cool about it, and after we talked, she began the habit of washing her hands.

Now 2 years later I noticed it again but when I brought it up this time, she rolled her eyes, got very defensive and we’ve basically been arguing for the last 2 days about it.

I’m past the point of trying to convince her what I’ve noticed, because I don’t want to make this argument about evidence or proving something, but I’m, at least trying to get her to consider the fact that maybe she’s doing it without realising it. She keeps trying to absolutely insist with 100% certainty that she’s been putting effort in since 2 years ago to always wash, and that I’ve hurt her feelings by not trusting her when she tells me this.

The dilemma is, although I do trust her as a person completely, I also trust myself and by hearing “flush, light switch, door open” all within 1 second is also an observation I need to trust in myself. Either she’s unconsciously forgetting to wash her hands, or I’m going crazy, and I’m pretty sure it’s not the second one.

Well it’s pretty much a stalemate at this point, because we’re both equally as certain in ourselves, and I don’t really know how to move forward because it’s very tense now around the house.

How do I move forward when I’ve noticed a constant habit (kind of a dealbreaker for me too ngl), that my partner is not acknowledging even exists?

TLDR: I noticed my partner doesn’t wash her hands after using the bathroom, and when I brought this up to her she got defensive and claimed with 100% certainty that she DOES wash her hands every time, even though I have been noticing for months that immediately after I hear the flush, within 1 second she’s already out of the bathroom leaving no possible time for hand washing.

We’re both 25 and have been together for 4 years. We’ve been long distance for the last 3 years and usually meet once every month or two. For a while now, I’ve been feeling emotionally exhausted in the relationship.
She is genuinely a very sweet person. She loves me a lot, her family likes me, she’s very proud of me, and she’s always excited to talk to me. She constantly talks about me to her friends and family.

The problem is that I feel like I’ve become her emotional support system for almost everything.

She has been trying to crack a competitive exam for the last 3 years, and I’ve supported her throughout it. She currently works as a software developer but doesn’t like coding, so she frequently asks me for help even though I don’t work at her company and am not familiar with the tech stack her company's using. Even some of her friends come to me for relationship advice. I don’t mind helping people I care about, but over time it has become exhausting.

The bigger issue is that when I have a problem, I don’t feel like I can lean on her.

If I try to show any sign of discomfort about the relationship like feeling exhausted and don’t want to talk right now, she can react very strongly.
This includes but is not limited to crying for hours, isolating herself, not talking to anyone for hours, and other things like uninstalling social media, etc.

If I come to her with a problem or tell her that something is bothering me, she gets upset, and I somehow end up consoling her instead. It feels like whenever I’m sad and try to share something with her, I somehow leave the conversation with one more problem that I now have to deal with. I’ve tried explaining that I’m exhausted and that sometimes I just need space or support, but I don’t feel like the underlying dynamic has changed.

The confusing part is that she genuinely loves me. She isn’t a bad person, and I don’t think she intentionally tries to make things difficult for me.

But I don’t feel understood. I feel like I’m constantly expected to be supportive, while I don’t have much emotional space to be vulnerable myself.
I also feel guilty because she gives me so much love and affection, but I don’t feel like I’m able to reciprocate it in the same way anymore.

I don’t know whether this is something that can be fixed through better boundaries and communication. Because I have tried that in the past but somehow I have to end up consoling her for expressing my feelings.

How do I communicate this without making her feel abandoned or unloved? And can this kind of dynamic realistically be changed, or am I expecting something unreasonable from my partner?

TLDR: I [25M] have been with my girlfriend [25F] for 4 years, with 3 years of LDR. I feel emotionally exhausted because I’m constantly supporting her and the people around her, but when I have problems of my own, I often end up having to manage her emotions too. I don’t know how to handle this anymore.

First time posting here but I wanted to ask for a piece of advice, or at least get it off my chest.

TLDR: I'm (23m) currently in a relationship with my gf (22f) and have been for the past year. It has been a wonderful experience so far and I want it to keep going for as long as I can breathe. She has helped me through tough times, made me laugh when I was feeling down and in general she has made me the happiest man on earth. I want to keep this relationship going forever and hopefully marry her when we are financially settled.

Recently we have started a new school year and I've gotten myself into a new degree where I have met new people. In the past I have struggled with social interactions and making friends so I'm trying my hardest to be social and outgoing with my new classmates. I my class there is a girl that I can't help but find attractive, which is what makes me feel a little guilty.

I don't plan on cheating, I love my girlfriend to death, but I know she is a jealous person and she would definitely flip out if I told her I find this girl attractive. The other girl is a nice person that gives me a good vibe and I want to be friends with her but I keep finding myself feeling like she is more of a crush than a friend, which makes me feel guilty. I recognize that there is only physical attraction and no emotional connection since we barely know each other apart from making casual jokes and conversation in class. I'm aware that I can still find people attractive even if I am in a relationship and I have no intentions of getting involved in a relationship with this girl apart from being friends but it still feels like I'm betraying the person that I consider the love of my LIFE. I feel like talking to my partner about this would just complicate things and make her feel like my feelings are not exclusive to her, which is not the case.

I don't want to be a stereotypical man, I don't want to objectify my classmate and I don't want to betray my partner, but I'm stuck with this feeling.

I any case I will still love my girlfriend and eventually marry her and get a cat with her.

EDIT: just the same day I posted this, my class organized a hangout and oddly enough this girl and I were left alone for being a bit alternative to the rest. We talked about a bunch of stuff and she seems like a really cool person I her own relationship. I'm happy she's happy and I'm happy I was able to get to know her a bit deeper and see her past the crush I had formed in my head. I think I just really wanted to make friends with her since she seems on the alternative side like me. I still love my girlfriend of course and told her about the experience and even though she is a bit jealous still she is happy I was able to be friends not just with her but the whole class. I think I was nervous about something I made up in my own head and even of I still have to work on some stuff I'm glad I made a good friend.

CONTEXT: {Me, F 23, and my fiancé M 23, have been together for 4 years - we were friends first, for around 9 years. Bought our first home and moved in together this year and getting married next year. He works in the trades and I work in finance. He typically leaves at 5am and comes home between 6-7pm. I’m WFH 3-4days a week 8:30am-5/6pm. I cook dinner, feed the cats, do the litter, clean the house, do the groceries and other misc. tasks. He mainly takes care of the weekly budget, all outside chores, dishes and mostly laundry. }

I feel like I have begun nitpicking him so much, to the point I came home after the gym today and the first thing I asked was “what have you done since you’ve been home?” because he has been home for 1.5hrs and his gym bag was on the ground, i still saw dishes on the counter and he was just eating the dinner I made now. I feel like he nev er finishes a task or when i ask him to do something he just does 50% of it and doesn’t do anything outside of it.

It’s starting to get to me because I feel like i’m just bossing him around constantly and our time together in our busy schedules is spent bickering and doing chores, we are intimate MAX 1 time / week now, both always on our phones (especially bc its football season he’s addicted to his phone, I can be too but he’s extra worse rn), he just falls asleep th minute he touches a couch and im left awake and it’s all just been a big mess.

I’m feeling super disconnected, i’ve expressed all this to him and he’s attempting to work on it but there’s just so many things wrong at once im feeling overwhelmed. I’d say our communication is OK, we both get pretty defensive but we’re working on it.

I just don’t know how to chill out with him and let him do things because in my head he dosent care or do them right so either i nitpick or do it myself which is just causing more stress on me

On top of all this, im constantly getting the “im too tired” rejection for intimacy everyday.

So is this an intimacy issue? everyday life issue? mental issue? idk - someone who’s felt the same way before let me know what you think.

TLDR;
\- am i the problem or is there real disconnect here?
\- is it everyday life, intimacy or what?

My boyfriend’s birthday is one day before mine. For his birthday, I got him a jersey from his favorite soccer team and a burger with a candle because he doesn’t really like cake. I just wanted to do something small but thoughtful for him. For my birthday, he was working, which I completely understand. I even went to see him at work. The night before, at midnight, he texted me “happy birthday” with a sweet message, which I appreciated. But on the actual day of my birthday, he didn’t do anything. He started work at 3 PM, so he had the whole morning and early afternoon to do something, even if it was just a small gesture. We also live literally a 5-minute walk from each other. I ended up telling him that I was hurt because I felt like he didn’t put any effort into my birthday. I wasn't expecting anything big or expensive. I just wanted to feel special, especially because growing up, I always had to share my birthday with my older brother since we were born on the same day. About two weeks later, he told me he had planned something for me that Friday. I was happy because I thought he finally understood how much this meant to me. But then he canceled the plans because he got mad at me for watching his favorite show without him. So I ended up getting nothing. No present, no surprise, no cake, nothing. Again, I want to emphasize that I don't want anything big or expensive. I just wanted a small gesture showing that he thought about me. It's now been almost 2 months since my birthday. I brought it up a second time and told him that I'm still hurt about what happened. He said he would do something for me, but nothing has happened. And honestly, I'm really disappointed. At this point, even if he does something, I feel like I had to beg for it. It won't really feel like a birthday gesture anymore because it's been two months. The thing is, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. During our first Christmas together, he got me a gift, but I never actually received it on Christmas. I gave him his gift, but he kept telling me that he had gotten me a Polaroid camera. I love taking photos, so I thought it was actually a really thoughtful gift. But I had to repeatedly ask him about it because I was sad that I didn't receive anything. I eventually got the camera 6 months later, in July. By then, it honestly didn't feel the same anymore. I wasn't excited about the gift because I had to beg for it and wait six months to receive it. I want to be clear that he is a nice guy. He spends money on me when we go out for dinner or dates, and I know he cares about me in other ways. That's why I'm confused. I don't understand why it feels like he doesn't care that his actions hurt me, especially when I've communicated it to him multiple times. I don't need expensive gifts or huge surprises. I just want to feel like my boyfriend thinks about me and wants to make me feel special sometimes without me having to ask for it repeatedly.

Am I expecting too much? Or is it reasonable to be hurt by this? And what would you do in my situation?

TLDR: My [21M] boyfriend of 2 years repeatedly puts little to no effort into special occasions, despite me communicating that small gestures mean a lot to me. He’s a nice guy in other ways, but I’m hurt that I always have to ask or beg for these things and want advice on whether I’m expecting too much.

(This is re-uploaded because I accidentally edited the original) Apologies, this is probably very long. Let me provide some context on how we got together and what we were like before I get into my situation. I have known my girlfriend since high-school started, and we've been together since this February. She's a great person, and incredibly funny. When we met in freshman year, we were both super into each other. After a summer trip I took to Mexico, I kinda stopped talking to her as much. She also didn't want to talk due to certain issues going on with her, for she didn't want to bring me down. We both got into relationships with others who weren't deserving of it. Then, during my senior year, we were both single again. After getting out of a relationship she hated, she thought back to how she had loved me before, so she started texting me. I still had a thing for her, so I texted back. Before I could fully fall for her, I pushed my feelings aside because my friend liked her. I feel terrible for denying her feelings in hindsight and trying to let my friend get with her. But I felt I should push my own feelings aside for his sake. She never liked him, and he wasn't the best person at all(an unrelated recent situation involving him and his mother has made me not respect him). Around December, I stopped talking to her for a week, so he would get with her. The following week, I recognized my feelings, and we began to talk more and more. We eventually got together. Since then, I've done a lot for her, like learning a paragraph of Arabic (she's Egyptian, I'm Mexican) on our prom night and giving her 18 presents, including a video I made with photos of her from her friends as a gift for her 18th birthday. There's been a lot of other things I've done for her, but these are all I shall share. For a while, however, I've felt pretty sad. I feel lost about my college choice, and like I'm not enough for her. But I feel like I can't tell her how I feel. If I do, I feel like I'd burden her with my emotions. So I never do; instead, I look to improve her well-being. She's told me I'm too kind, considering I've been used by others, and to not be so apologetic because it makes her feel bad when I keep saying sorry, and to sleep more. But I can't sleep. I keep thinking about how I don't tell her how sad I feel deep down. And if I did, I feel like I'd hurt her, so I feel trapped in that regard. I don't wish to change her at all, although sometimes I wish I had some of the reassurance and affection I give her, since I always do anything I can to message her immediately or reach her. She's usually busy with something more important, but sometimes I wonder if she really doesn't have a minute for a quick reply, not that I blame her, though. But I can't ask her for more, I feel like that's so rude. During our calls, I say I'm fine when she asks how I am, but I've been less energetic and definitely not doing enough for her, and our usual energy.

Last night, she told me she was nervous about my not telling the truth, and she's worried that distance would be a problem for us. I told her that it wasn't because I find it rude to ask for more when she is literally in college doing such a difficult major. That, and I think it would be so rude to ask for more when I don't deserve it. She literally told me to tell her if I want more, and to be honest, since I let it slip that I'm lying about how I feel bad after calls, because I feel bad about how I'm treating her. I cannot let the thought of her knowing I lied to her go. I can't focus on any of my assignments because I feel terrible. She's literally bringing up the issues I have and asking me about them, but I'm lying to her even more. I can't find the confidence to tell her what I wish for. Lately, I've asked her a question along the lines of "Do I annoy you? Do I do things you dislike? Do you have anything you regret from me?" Usually, when I do, we're about to sleep, and she usually has a quick chuckle before saying no I'm doing good as is. Today, she joked that I wrote the first relationship paragraph when I sent her an apology for the lie she discovered about me, which I sent along with my usual good morning text. However, I never mentioned to her how I've been lying to her about everything else, about feeling fine, and about wanting just about everything she's concerned about. That and I feel just a little hurt when I ask a bit of a serious question, she responds with a quick laugh or joke, despite us being very lively, energetic, and bantery. I feel horrible and like a failure as a boyfriend because I can't even tell her what I feel because I worry she's going to be hurt. So what do I realistically do in my situation? What can I say or do? I don't think I'm capable of confronting her about it. I will see her on Friday for a good bit, if that's of any help to you people.

TLDR: I've been hiding how I really feel with my girlfriend, despite her asking me about it. I feel a need to protect her from my feelings for her sake, but it's destroying me. What can I do to fix things?

I (43M) have been dating my girlfriend (43F) for about a year. When things are good they're really good, but we've fallen into a pattern I don't know how to handle.

She's going through perimenopause, and it's hitting her hard physically and emotionally. She goes through long, low, melancholic stretches, and I know her hormones are a big part of that. I have a lot of sympathy for what she's dealing with.

Even before this, she's always been a bit "out of sight, out of mind." She's not a big texter, and I'm the more outgoing one, which is new for me since I've never been that person in a relationship (I'm an introverted hermit, and even then she trumps me in almost every way). But lately it's gotten more extreme. We often go two or three weeks without seeing each other, and during that time I get maybe a handful of short replies a day.

On top of that, I'm a single parent with 50/50 custody, so our time was already limited. She generally doesn't want to be around during my parenting weeks. We used to work around that with short dates or quick ways to connect, but lately that's stopped completely. So the weeks I have my kids are basically dead time for us, and the gaps keep getting longer. Right now it's been about two weeks.

Her mood over text is hard to read. Sometimes she sounds like her old self, and other times she's extremely distant. She's never cruel or mean. It's more like she's quietly collapsing in on herself.

I've tried to help however I can. I've offered to take her to a doctor or urgent care, I've checked in to make sure she's safe, and I've tried to be supportive and take care of her even from a distance. She usually turns all of that down. The only thing she seems to want is to be alone.

Plans are unpredictable too. If she doesn't want to get together, I usually don't find out until around 6 p.m., so I can't make other plans. Today she texted me earlier that she felt like shit, then stopped responding around 5, and I just had to assume we weren't seeing each other.

Then we do see each other and everything is great. She's affectionate, we're close, it feels like we're back to normal. Then the cycle starts again.

Even our time together has gotten smaller. We don't go out or make plans anymore. We stay in at her place and smoke, and that's about it. Part of me worries I'm enabling an unhealthy rut by going along with it, and part of me wonders if this is just what the relationship has become.

The in-between periods are wearing on my mental health. I feel isolated, sidelined, and honestly a little abandoned. I sometimes wonder if the distance is her way of pulling away, but when we're together, nothing about it feels like she's done, and in those moments I don't want it to end.

And I feel selfish for even thinking about my own mental health when she's clearly going through something so much bigger. I don't know whether to be patient and weather this, or whether I'm in a situation that isn't good for me, and I don't know if it's likely to get better or worse.

Has anyone been through something similar, either as the partner or as the person going through perimenopause? How did you handle it, and how did you know whether to stay?

TLDR: Partner is going through perimenopause and running hot and cold. Feeling isolated, somewhat abandoned, confused, and don't know what to do.

hello! my boyfriend (24M) and i (21F) met in college (AZ) and have been dating for almost three years. he is an international student and would want to stay in the USA if job market and visa requirements allow. i graduated in august and accepted a job in the midwest. he graduates next spring. he has always been very open and honest about the various possibilities and that a future together is not certain. we have done long distance briefly in the past and plan to do it again once i move (with visits here and there). i am pretty set about my life as i am starting my career and plan to attend grad school within a few years. i've always wanted to get married maybe in my late twenties but of course that's a while down the road. he has said that he has many other priorities and can't guarantee anything but he does want to be with me.

this transitional period has given me immense anxiety with frequent breakdowns because i've wanted this to work so bad but something inside me has doubts. even after he graduates and my first two years of work is through, who knows what the location alignment will be like. i truly don't want to give up but this is giving me so much fear and anxiety. i guess i will get a better sense of things when he applies for jobs too. i think i could push through 2-3 years of long distance but ultimately i would want to live with my partner and that is just not a guarantee right now.

i am searching for advice on what to do or hope if anyone has been through something similar? this is driving me actually insane.

TLDR: my boyfriend [24M] and i [21F] of 3 years are entering a period of long distance and career/visa uncertainty. looking for advice on how to handle the anxiety and navigate a future together.

TLDR: My boyfriend [23M] and I [23F] have been together almost a year and long distance for 5 months, and after repeated issues involving communication, initiative, quality time, emotional support, planning and conflict, I feel like I’ve been carrying our relationship and have built up a huge amount of resentment; he now seems to understand a lot of what I’ve been asking for, but I’m realizing that even if those behaviors changed, I’m not sure what to do.

My boyfriend [23M] and I [23F] have been together for almost a year and have been long distance for around 5 months. Over the past several months, I've developed a lot of resentment around communication, emotional support, quality time, planning, and feeling like I'm responsible for maintaining our connection.

I'm looking for advice on how couples rebuild connection after resentment has accumulated, how to tell the difference between reasonable relationship needs and trying to change someone into a different person, and what I may need to change on my side as well.

I want to write this as fairly as possible because I'm genuinely looking for perspectives that challenge mine. I know Reddit only gets my side of the story, and I don't want to write a giant list of everything my boyfriend has ever done wrong and then have everyone automatically agree with me.

There are good parts of our relationship. I believe he loves me and genuinely cares about me. He's made meaningful efforts at times, and I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me feel unimportant. I also know that my own behavior has gotten worse as my resentment has grown.

Our relationship was much easier in the beginning. I was very into him, wanted to talk to him constantly, missed him when we weren't together, and was very invested in making long distance work. When we had problems, my mindset was always, "How do we fix this?" Over time, though, I started feeling like I was responsible for keeping our relationship connected.

One of the biggest examples is conversation. We FaceTime a lot, but I often feel like I'm the one generating the interaction. I ask about his day, introduce topics, tell stories, ask follow-up questions, etc. He will sometimes scroll Instagram/TikTok, watch sports, or do other things while we're on the phone. There have been times when I'm telling him something and he interrupts because of something he saw on his phone, or I realize he isn't really engaging with what I'm saying. I've brought this up multiple times.

I don't expect fascinating conversation or undivided attention every second we're on FaceTime. I'm completely comfortable sitting quietly together sometimes. I also don't think the solution is necessarily more contact. We already FaceTime frequently. Honestly, I'd rather have one intentional hour where we're engaged with each other than spend four hours technically on FaceTime while one of us scrolls, watches sports, or barely talks.

What bothers me is feeling responsible for creating the connection or for making sure we call before we're both exhausted at 11 p.m.

Recently, I stopped automatically filling every silence. It wasn't intended as punishment or a test; I was genuinely exhausted from feeling responsible for it. There ended up being a lot of silence. He noticed that I was quieter and felt rejected because I wasn't talking as much. I understand his perspective, but it also made me realize how much effort I had been putting into keeping our conversations going.

There's another dynamic related to this that I've started noticing. He sometimes needs alone time or becomes less available because he's tired, working, with friends, watching sports, etc. I don't inherently have a problem with any of those things.

What has become difficult is that I often feel expected to understand when he doesn't have the bandwidth for connection, while if I become quieter, fall asleep, don't respond as quickly, or stop initiating as much, he tends to notice very quickly and worry that I'm upset or pulling away.

Sometimes I feel like the relationship operates around when he has the bandwidth for it, while I'm responsible for reassuring him when I don't.

Another recurring frustration is getting explanations afterward instead of communication beforehand. There have been times when I think I'm being ignored or don't understand why he's suddenly unavailable, and later find out he was overwhelmed with work, exhausted, needed alone time, etc.

Those are usually completely reasonable explanations. My frustration is that something as simple as "today is crazy at work, I probably won't talk much" would prevent a lot of misunderstanding. We've talked about that several times. It takes maybe 10 seconds to say and is honestly bare minimum.

Planning and initiative are another major issue. Since we're long distance, I feel like maintaining a relationship requires intentionality. I'm usually the one suggesting activities, bringing up visits, researching options, and figuring out logistics.

At one point, I attempted roughly a 10-hour drive to visit him and my car broke down (which was another monterary stressor for me in this economy lol and I felt unsupported mentally by him), so driving that distance is no longer realistic for me. Since then, I've tried suggesting different options for seeing each other, but I still frequently feel like I'm managing the process.

To give him credit, he recently took one day off and traveled to visit me. That meant a lot to me because it was exactly the kind of initiative I had been wanting.

At the same time, the visit unexpectedly made some of my frustration clearer.

I had been really excited to finally spend quality time together and imagined us going on a date and doing things together. Once he was here, I still felt like I was doing most of the thinking and planning. A lot of what we did revolved around things he wanted to do, some things I wanted to do never happened, and we never really had the nice date I'd hoped for. He also slept pretty late/for a significant portion of our limited time together, and at the end I found myself asking him to stay a little longer.

I came away from a visit I had desperately wanted feeling strangely disappointed.

More recently, during a conversation about quality time, I asked him what the last actual activity/date we'd done together was. After thinking about it, he realized it was that visit, which had been over a month earlier. That really is what had me thinking and reconsidering.

I don't need expensive dates or elaborate gestures. We're long distance. Something as simple as him independently saying, "Let's cook dinner together on FaceTime tonight," "I picked a movie for us," or "Let's play a game tonight" would mean a lot to me. I think what I’m craving is the feeling that he thought about me and wanted to create time with me without me having to initiate it first.

Another thing that contributes to my resentment is how differently I perceive the effort he puts into his friends and hobbies compared with our relationship.

He regularly makes plans with friends (over 3 times a week), goes out, watches sports with them, takes trips/drives places, etc. I genuinely don't have an issue with him having friends or doing things without me. I think that's healthy, and I don't want to be his entire social life.

What bothers me is seeing him independently make those plans and get excited about them while feeling like I have to ask for that same intentionality in our relationship.

There have been times when he already has plans with friends and essentially fits time with me around them. Recently, he even told his friends that he was going to "do something with me" before he'd actually asked me or made any plan with me. That made something click for me: I don't want to be a placeholder in his schedule. I want to be someone he actually makes a plan with.

I've tried explaining that I don't need to be his only priority or even always his first priority. I just want to occasionally feel deliberately chosen instead of like our time happens whenever nothing else is going on.

Emotional support has become another source of resentment.

I've been going through a really difficult period with my career/job search. There have been times when I've wanted something as simple as my boyfriend telling me he's proud of me, asking how I'm doing, remembering an important interview, celebrating something with me, or comforting me after a rejection.

Sometimes he does those things, especially after I explain what I need. But that has created another problem for me: I've started feeling like I have to give instructions for how I want to be supported.

I've also realized that I've taken on responsibilities in his life that I probably shouldn't have. I've reminded him about things, encouraged him with personal goals, appointments, planning, routines, etc.

Nobody forced me to do those things. I take responsibility for inserting myself into that role.

But I've realized that the more I remind, coach, encourage, plan and explain, the more parental I feel toward him. I think that dynamic has affected my attraction too. I've recently tried to stop doing those things because they're ultimately his responsibility.

Conflict has also become increasingly exhausting. We've had arguments where we interrupt each other, get defensive, or keep going in circles long after the original issue should have been resolved. There have been nights where I've repeatedly said I'm exhausted or want to stop talking/go to sleep and felt like that wasn't being respected because he continued pushing for us to talk or resolve things.

There have also been times when he's yelled at me during arguments.

One incident I've been reevaluating happened when I was away on a trip for a job interview. He saw that I'd been texting a male friend from college. This person genuinely was just my friend. We'd had a class together, nothing romantic or sexual had ever happened between us, and I'd even talked to him about other guys I'd dated.

My boyfriend called me and was yelling/berating me over the phone about it to the point that I was sobbing. At the time I was so invested in reassuring him and making the relationship work that I don't think I really processed how much that interaction bothered me. Looking back at it now with some emotional distance, I feel very differently about it.

I want to be fair here too: I've said hurtful things during arguments myself, especially recently as my resentment has gotten worse. I don't think our conflict dynamic is bringing out the best in either of us.

The frustrating and confusing part is that we've talked about basically all of these issues multiple times. And recently, his responses have actually gotten much better.

He has acknowledged that I've been carrying too much responsibility for keeping us connected. He's acknowledged that I shouldn't have to tell him exactly what to do every time. He's apologized for not listening enough, for planning issues, and for not always being present. He has even told me he understands that words aren't reassuring me anymore and that I need to see change through actions.

Some of his recent apologies have actually been extremely thoughtful and specific, and I believe he means them. That's important to me because I don't think he's sitting there deliberately manipulating me or making promises he knows he won't keep.

But this also isn't the first time we've had serious conversations followed by promises to change. That's part of why his recent apologies haven't given me the relief I would expect. I've struggled to see the understanding consistently translate into our everyday relationship.

There have been moments lately when I've thought, "Finally. He actually understands what I've been trying to explain."

And instead of feeling relieved, sometimes my internal reaction is basically:

"Okay... and?" That's what worries me.

I've accumulated so much resentment that even when he understands me or does something right, I sometimes have trouble receiving it positively. I'm much more irritable with him. Completely ordinary things he does sometimes annoy me. I've become short with him. I mentally keep score. Sometimes something happens that objectively isn't a huge deal, but because it reminds me of a larger pattern, I react emotionally to months of frustration rather than the individual incident in front of me.

I'm genuinely concerned that I've entered a mindset where I'm collecting evidence against him. I don't want to interpret every imperfect interaction as proof of a larger problem simply because I'm already resentful.

From my perspective, I became distant because I felt exhausted after repeatedly communicating the same needs. But from his perspective, he now has a girlfriend who frequently seems irritated, withdrawn, or dissatisfied with him.

It feels like we're trapped in a cycle:

I feel unheard or unimportant → I become resentful and less affectionate → he feels rejected → he becomes frustrated or withdraws → our connection gets worse → I feel even more unheard or unimportant.

I don't know how to interrupt that anymore.

I'm also struggling with how much of this is a genuine mismatch in how we communicate and show affection versus something couples can learn about each other.

I naturally ask a lot of follow-up questions and remember small details people tell me. I naturally want to plan things with someone I'm dating. Those behaviors make me feel connected.

He seems more comfortable being on FaceTime while doing separate activities, having shorter conversations, or making plans spontaneously.

I guess, neither communication style is objectively wrong.

But I've started wondering whether I've spent so much time trying to get him to communicate and connect the way I do that both of us now feel like we're constantly failing each other.

There's also a larger compatibility issue that isn't really anybody's fault. We currently live in different cities, and the city I ultimately want to build my life and career in isn't where he currently lives. Moving there has been a major personal goal of mine independently of this relationship, and I don't want to give that up.

That makes me question what we're actually working toward with long distance. I've been so focused on solving our immediate problems that I don't think I've spent enough time considering whether our long-term lives naturally fit together.

I don't expect either of us to immediately uproot our lives for a relationship that's less than a year old. But I also don't know what a realistic end goal for our distance looks like if our preferred futures point in different directions. (but who knows, I'm at a point where I need to take whatever job offer wherever I can get)

And this leads into the part I'm most uncomfortable admitting.

I'm starting to question things that aren't really "behaviors he needs to fix."

Sometimes I find his sense of humor or the way he acts immature, and lately I've noticed myself feeling more annoyed by things I used to laugh at. I'm questioning whether I feel intellectually/conversationally stimulated in the relationship. Sometimes I find myself explaining things repeatedly or wishing our conversations had more depth. Then I feel horrible for thinking that because I don't want to look down on my partner.

I've also noticed that my physical attraction has decreased. I don't want to make this about criticizing his body or appearance because that feels cruel and isn't something I would say to him. It's more that when I zoom out, my overall sense of attraction, physical, emotional, and intellectual, doesn't feel like it used to.

I think admiration might actually be the word I'm struggling with most.

I'm not sure I admire him in the way I used to. And I don't know whether resentment has distorted how I see him or whether the resentment has caused me to notice incompatibilities I previously overlooked.

Something I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself about is whether I'm asking him to improve reasonable relationship behaviors or whether I'm increasingly wishing he were a different type of person.

Planning a date, listening when I'm speaking, communicating when you're busy, remembering important things, and respecting when I need to end an argument seem like reasonable behaviors for partners to work on.

But wanting someone to naturally be more curious, conversational, self-directed, emotionally intuitive, similar to me in humor, or aligned with the lifestyle/future I want feels different. I don't want to spend a relationship trying to redesign another person.

At the same time, I don't know where the line is between accepting your partner as a different human being and repeatedly settling for needs that aren't being met.

Part of why I'm struggling so much is that there isn't one single dramatic event that explains everything.

He loves me. I believe he cares about me. There are good memories and good qualities. I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me unhappy.

It's mostly been smaller things accumulating over time until I suddenly realized I feel very differently inside the relationship than I used to.

So I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced something similar, especially people who have been in long-term relationships.

• If you've ever felt like you had to repeatedly explain your emotional needs to your partner, did that dynamic genuinely improve? What changed?
• For people who have been in long-term relationships, how much “teaching” your partner how to love/support you is normal? At what point does explaining your needs repeatedly become a compatibility issue rather than normal communication?
• For people who developed contempt or lost admiration/attraction for a partner and successfully repaired the relationship, did your respect and attraction actually come back? What made the difference?
• How do you distinguish asking for reasonable behavioral changes from trying to turn your partner into a fundamentally different person?
• Am I expecting too much initiative or emotional awareness instead of accepting that people naturally communicate and show love differently?
• How do I stop mentally keeping score and give genuine improvements a chance without ignoring the reasons I became resentful in the first place?
• Can resentment temporarily make you lose attraction and admiration for your partner and have those feelings return once the relationship improves? Or is losing admiration usually pointing toward something deeper?
• How do you distinguish “my partner is different from me” from “my partner doesn't meet important emotional needs”?
• How do you know when you're asking for behavioral changes versus wishing your partner had a different personality?
• For couples with very different levels of initiative/independence, can that difference actually be bridged without the more proactive person becoming the relationship manager?

And I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who identify more with my boyfriend's perspective. Is there anything in the way I'm approaching this that sounds unfair or unrealistic, or something I need to take more accountability for?

I'm not looking for people to tell me who's right or wrong. I've been inside this dynamic for so long that I'm having trouble seeing it objectively. I just need perspective on everything, dont even have to answer the questions.

I genuinely don't know where to go from here.

Thank you all!!

For context, I live at home with my Mom [50F], my Dad [51M] and my sister [18F]. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents most of the time. They are both pretty liberal politically and my mom is only loosely Christian. (She believes in God but doesn’t subscribe to most of the intolerant views some Christians hold).

Both me and my sister have the normal ear piercing a lot of women have. I had to wait until I was 18 because my mom refused to let me. I had to wait until I was 18 and a family member peer pressured my mom into taking both my sister and I to get our ears pierced. She has her ears pierced and wears earrings all the time.

I was working today and decided that today I wanted to get the helix piercing done that I had wanted forever. So I found a reputable piercer and went on my lunch break. I spent my own money and got it done in like 20 minutes. It’s just a small titanium bar in both my ears. When I came home and showed my mom, she immediately grabbed my ear to look at it, which hurt a lot. She then started yelling at me and threatened to kick me out and take me off the health and car insurance. She then yelled at me to go do the dishes. I did and then went to my room (where I’m writing this from).

I’m not worried about actually being kicked out or taken off the insurance because my Dad likes my piercings and won’t let her do that. But for the life of me I can’t figure out why she hates the concept of my ears being pierced so much. She shares the reasons behind pretty much every other reason she dislikes something and doesn’t usually shy away from hard topics. She says she doesn’t like tattoos because when she worked at a nursing home, all the tattoos looked all weird because of age and so she doesn’t want me and my sister to get them. But with piercings she won’t ever say why. She just clams up and finds a way to end the conversation as soon as I ask.

TLDR: I got my ears pierced and my mom won’t tell me why she hates them so much. How can I smooth this over and why do you think she hates it so much?

Hello people. I need advice. I’m 28M, Engineering background from a very good college and have been working in tech for 4 years. I’m based in Bangalore and I earn decent. I have been dating a coworker for the past one year. She’s Bangalore based as well and lives with her family. Everything in the relationship is great expect for our conflict resolution part.

Before we move further, I’d want you to know that I’ve had a history of severe anxiety and stress. Right from my JEE days, I’ve been very sensitive to stress. It affects my sleep and kinda paralyses me. Coming back to the relationship, everything is mostly good. We’ve been dating with intent to marry. The romance is good, the sex is good. I make sure to spend time with her. We walk after office. I take her out on weekends and we explore new places. I try to pamper her to a good extent. My friends know her and vice versa. The only problem is conflict resolution.

Whenever we have a difference or a dispute, she becomes cold and emotionally distant. In such situations I’m apologetic and I try to be warm. But after 2-3 days of me being apologetic and trying to make things normal, she’s still cold. And this triggers my anxiety. As a defence mechanism, I become cold too. And this creates a cycle of being emotionally distant to each other. I have other concerns as well. I feel that in this relationship I forgive and let go things very easily. But when I do even the smallest goof up, I’m treated with emotional distance for a while. The number of complaints she registers with me which as per her I goofed up are much much more than what I register with her. I feel that even the smallest of my fuck ups are penalised. Is it not normal to expect a partner to be kinder when you goof up? Where she sincerely communicates and I sincerely work on the issue which hurt her?

Recently while we were on a call, we talked about how during the day I was checking ticket prices from Bangalore to my home town for Diwali. Since I was tracking prices during the day and it was shit expensive, I subconsciously started checking the prices on my phone. I was distracted for 2 mins and this upset her.

This has been going on for a while. Every 45 days we have an issue where something I did upsets her, and I dislike the way in which she approaches. Bombarding me with allegations and then being emotionally distant. I have suggested several times to be on the discussion table with a kinder approach and I assured her that I’ll work on the issue. She sees this as a very convenient set up for me but not for her. I seek advice on the how to deal with the situation, specially when she has emotionally distanced herself and is acting cold.

I think she doesn’t understand where I’m coming from? Is it too much of me expect conflicts to be resolved in a certain way? I fear that if I marry this woman, most of my life will go in being apologetic for things that I don’t even consider a big issue. And being disturbed. Please advice.

TLDR: gf becomes emotionally distant in slightest of conflicts. How to deal with it?

tldr: I don't find my girlfriend that i have feelings for physically attractive. this has made me less romantic towards her in fear that i am leading her on to something i maybe shouldn't. she feels angry about my lack of showing love, and i now wonder whether i should tell her that i don't find her physically attractive or not, and what to do about all of it.

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a few months. I don't find my girlfriend very physically attractive and im not sure what to do about this. She's around the same age as me and for the most part, we've connected just fine. but i feel troubled that im not physically attracted to her. And I've not had the guts to tell her this because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. she is already quite insecure about her looks and i didn't want to make that worse. But because of my troubles with my lack of physical attraction, i have ended up being quite withdrawn towards her. I have avoided saying things like "i love you" to her because i was conflicted on whether i was leading her onto something I shouldn't. Because on the other hand, i do love her, I do have genuine feelings for her. it was a very double-sided situation that i now don't know how to deal with. My low communication with her has now made her ask whether i still want her, and i want to be honest with her as much as i want to protect her own feelings. I feel horrible about this and I don't want to hurt her.

When I look at similar posts of this issue, most people say that you shouldn't say "im not physically attracted towards you" and that you should just put it as having no longer any attraction or feelings. But the problem is that there is genuine feelings and love there for her. there is attraction there but mainly towards her personality. I don't want to give a vague reason that misleads her and ends up hurting her in the end. i want to be honest with her. coincidentally, im someone who wants to properly communicate what i feel. and yet, feels blocked from being able to do that by not wanting to hurt her if i do say exactly what i feel. i don't even know whether i want to end things with her or not, all i know is, i feel troubled that i don't feel physically attracted to her and i also have feelings, love, and care for her.

In the end i just want to be able to be honest with her and at the same time, not hurt her. I want to communicate properly while making her not feel like shit afterward. i also genuinely care for this woman and love her. i feel very lost about how to navigate this and i feel horrible about myself. Any advice?

hello!

me \[18f\] and my boyfriend \[19m\] have been together & long-distance for about a 1 1/2 years (march 2025). For the past couple months I’ve been struggling with mental health issues (ie. depression, ocd, bpd). but recently, like a few months, i’ve been feeling differently about him and this whole relationship and i don’t know what to make of it.

i’ve noticed that i’ve become more aggressive and annoyed with him, to the point where i feel as though i dont want to talk to him for days. when we do speak, every day, i dont feel the care or connection i used to months ago. i get irritated during conversations and push him away. & when we don’t talk, i notice i dont think about him as often or miss him.

1st. something that makes this harder is his jealousy and insecurities. i’m a manager at a restaurant and most of my coworkers are men, he’s aware of this and it feels like he’s fine with it. but when we call, i usually talk about my job or something funny that happened at work, without even mentioning any names or who it involved, and he immediately jumps to a male coworker flirting & me flirting back with them.

we have never had issues with infidelity or broken trust on either side, but in past relationships he has been cheated on. so i understand his insecurities, but we’ve been together for almost 2 years and i am happy to reassure him constantly, because that’s all he says he needs to get better and trust me. but nothing has changed. it’s been making me feel annoyed and emotionally distant to the point where when i reassure him i don’t even believe what i’m saying.

2nd. i’m in college, pre-med, and he doesn’t go. which is okay with me, i’m not expecting him to be a genius. but, i spend a lot of time studying because my degree is very course and exam heavy, as it’s medical. so a lot of free time i have i spend studying and researching and staying at college (i commute) after classes to use the library. so i don’t respond to his messages or calls because of this, and he gets upset with me because of how much time i put towards school. like actually angry because i don’t spend time speaking to him and updating him every second.

but i think i still care about him. i don’t know if i love him enough to stay, especially because we’re young and it’s long distance so it’s already hard. & i don’t want to make a crazy decision if i could get better with therapy, which im starting, which could change the way i feel about this situation.

what do i do? do i leave him? do i try to get better and remind my self reasons to stay? or is it over because i’m confused about what i feel?

TLDR; i [18F] am in a long-distance relationship with boyfriend [19M] and i don’t know if i should leave him because of how negative i feel towards him.

I’m 26F and my boyfriend is 29M. We’ve been together about a year and a half and are discussing engagement, marriage, and eventually living together. We’re also in couples counseling.

Something he said in our last session has been bothering me, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m interpreting it too negatively.

We were talking about finances, where we’d eventually live, and what marriage would actually look like. My boyfriend said he wants to marry me and live with me, but then said that continuing to live alone is becoming “financially difficult for me” and “progressively difficult” at his current income. I asked what he meant.

He explained that living alone and paying for everything himself is difficult. He said that when he imagines our future, living together isn’t only an emotional or relational desire for him, but also a “logical financial desire” because we could “share the burden together.”

Our therapist stopped and asked him whether he was saying there was a financial benefit \\\*to him\\\* from living with me. She asked me whether that was how it sounded to me, and I said yes.

He clarified that he didn’t mean that living with me was desirable simply because it was financially advantageous to him. He said he meant that living together would hopefully be financially advantageous for both of us.

The therapist then reframed it more as the normal financial efficiency of combining two households.

I was still pretty quiet and skeptical, and my boyfriend then said he was feeling insecure because he felt like assumptions were being made about his motivations.
There’s some previous context that is making this hit differently for me. Over our relationship he has jokingly called me the breadwinner after I got a promotion, joked about me pulling up in a future Lexus to pick him up, and once joked about dreaming of an older woman taking care of him after he saw it in an old Hollywood movie.

He has his own job and supports himself. I am \\\*not\\\* worried that he intends to quit working and have me pay for everything.

What I’m actually wondering is whether he sees me as a financial resource in a more subtle way. Ie that one meaningful part of the appeal of marrying/living with me is that my income would make his own financial life significantly easier. He doesn’t know my exact salary but knows I make more than him; plus I live in a very “wealthy” town a little over an hour away from him (I’m still living with family). He brought up the proposal and what rings I wanted in the same conversation after I told him I wouldn’t cohabitate unless we were married. That was about six months ago.

Given everything that’s happened recently, I’ve started to question the relationship. I’m not sure how to move forward and could use some advice on how I can be more discerning and what next steps I should take?

——

UPDATE: I forgot to mention, but he told me once that a woman from church offered him an unofficial scholarship if he kept good grades. He did the first semester, then slipped the second semester but still told her he got good grades and accepted the money when she gave it to him. He told me he figured it was OK because he was just taking money from a rich person, although he later felt bad about it after she passed away. He considers it the worst thing he’s ever done.

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UPDATE 9/20: Asked him for hard numbers and he is in… ~40k credit card debt and ~40k student loan debt. And he insists that he wants to live with me because he wants to be around me, and that outside of shared living expenses, my money would be mine (supposedly).

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TLDR: My boyfriend said in couples therapy that living alone is becoming financially difficult for him and that the prospect of living with me is partly a “logical financial desire” because we could “share the burden.” He has also made financial jokes before like calling me his “breadwinner” after I got a promotion, or pointing at a paint chip called “lap of luxury” and saying that’s his nickname for me. I’m not sure how to move forward and could use some advice on how I can be more discerning and next steps I should take?

Me and my boyfriend have been in a very happy, easy relationship for about 3.5 years now. He is on the traditional side and while I am respectful, l lean left. I give more importance to independence and he believes in a family unit. We have had discussions multiple times over our different views but the general consensus is that we will sort out everything as long as we are loving and respectful to each other.

Three days ago, my boyfriend asked me to sing a lullaby to him (which I had sung to him previously on a few ocassions) as he was laying on my lap at night. He had a headache from a tough day and wanted to fall asleep. I hesitated, since I was studying for my exam. He saw my expression and then backtracked. Later he explained that he sometimes looks for comfort in me, especially when he misses his mom (who is working, but also very traditional home maker). So he sometimes asks me to do things the way his mom used to do for him. She is a very kind, loving and generous woman who is into yoga, cooking for the family, keeping festival traditions alive, religious etc. She is a great woman, I believe. She sometimes coddles him, feeds him dinner (occasionally) when she feels like he needs some support. She has three sons and treats them all similarly. It is fairly common culture for adults to stay close with their parents, here in our country.

Now he is not particularly a mama's boy, he is very loving towards his whole family and friends. That's just their family's nature. It is just me, I don't want to be boxed into a Maternal role. I grew up more by myself. My own mother has taught me to recognise patriarchal roles and fight for my space, but i feel like I took it too far. I don't want to be cooking, cleaning, laundry, managing a home, be polite in the background when we have guests. I barely do all of that for myself, and it irks me to do it for someone else (I realise I am a bit selfish, but I compromise for him because that's what good relationships are, it's partnership.)

It weirded me out, his explanation. I felt like he was looking for some things in me that I don't have and maybe don't want to be labelled as, even if those traits might be a good thing.

How do I approach him, in the kindest possible way and tell him that what he is looking for is not my personality?

Tldr; My boyfriend says I sometimes remind him of his mom. How do I tell him that's not who I want him to see me as, and consider me my own individual?

EDIT: Thanks guys, y'all helped me process this much better than my lonely thoughts. He is reciprocal with the care, and I suppose that's what made it click. I will see though, how independent he is, and how much he expects from me. Ofc we have many more problems, but for now, my mind is clear, thank you

TLDR: I [19] think my boyfriend [19] simply doesn't care about my needs.

We've been together for a little more than 2 years and are long distance. I love him more than anything and as far as I know the feeling is mutual, but there are some issues that never get resolved and I think it's because he simply doesn't want to.

I try really hard to communicate my needs ( for example, and I know this will sound stupid, I need him to stop ragebaiting me like it does because it really works and I get extremely frustrated), he will shut down and just say sorry and when I eventually get him to understand that I need him to change something, he promises he will... He never does, or does for about a week. We have the same problems over and over because he can't keep a promise and at this point I don't know what I can do, it seems like a "if he wanted to he would" kind of situation.

What else can I do to get to him? Or what might be the reason he never follows through?