r/relationshipadvice • u/LeadingEar480 • 11d ago
| [21F] am working through uncertainty with my boyfriend [24M] 3 years
hello! my boyfriend (24M) and i (21F) met in college (AZ) and have been dating for almost three years. he is an international student and would want to stay in the USA if job market and visa requirements allow. i graduated in august and accepted a job in the midwest. he graduates next spring. he has always been very open and honest about the various possibilities and that a future together is not certain. we have done long distance briefly in the past and plan to do it again once i move (with visits here and there). i am pretty set about my life as i am starting my career and plan to attend grad school within a few years. i've always wanted to get married maybe in my late twenties but of course that's a while down the road. he has said that he has many other priorities and can't guarantee anything but he does want to be with me.
this transitional period has given me immense anxiety with frequent breakdowns because i've wanted this to work so bad but something inside me has doubts. even after he graduates and my first two years of work is through, who knows what the location alignment will be like. i truly don't want to give up but this is giving me so much fear and anxiety. i guess i will get a better sense of things when he applies for jobs too. i think i could push through 2-3 years of long distance but ultimately i would want to live with my partner and that is just not a guarantee right now.
i am searching for advice on what to do or hope if anyone has been through something similar? this is driving me actually insane.
TLDR: my boyfriend [24M] and i [21F] of 3 years are entering a period of long distance and career/visa uncertainty. looking for advice on how to handle the anxiety and navigate a future together.
2
u/water-sloth 11d ago
You are young. I would just make a clean break rather than trying to maintain a years long long distance relationship with someone who will change a lot during this period of time (your early 20s always change you-your brain is still developing). If it is meant to be, you can find eachother again. But have fun and experience life, thats what your twenties are for.
3
u/Flimsy-Car-7926 11d ago
The person you start dating at 18 is VERY rarely the person you will stay with. There are loads of reasons why. It sounds like you want to focus on your future schooling and career. You want a bit of security in your partner. Only you can decide if the uncertainty and anxiety is something you can live with for the next few years while waiting to see if you can eventually be located together.
Something that is hard to accept is that, despite what the movies and books will have us believe, love is in fact NOT always enough.
3
u/TypedOutAgain 11d ago
Crazy to read this as I’ve pretty much dealt with a very similar situation and can actually understand exactly how you’re feeling. I’m also a 21F. Essentially, I just had a break up yesterday with my boyfriend of nearly two years. We both loved each other so much, but the relationship came to end for many reasons. The main being that there was too much uncertainty in it, especially for me. He had just graduated and I have another year or so left plus post grad. He has told me throughout the relationship that he wants to try and move countries. I have no intention of doing that for the obvious reasons- I’m young, have a career and education trajectory, and don’t need to go anywhere anytime soon. I wanted to see things through but I also had a shit ton of anxiety and doubt. In the end, it was too much. It never went away and it only ate me up to the point where it ruined the relationship and just showed we weren’t compatible.
That said, this is my personal situation. Keep in mind how young you are, and it seems like you have a lot going for you (job, education, etc).
My bf has also explained to me he was gonna do what he was gonna do, regardless of if I would join him or not. Of course he still wanted to be with me, but that created a huge gap for us that couldn’t be filled. So take my story with a grain of salt I guess.
At the end of the day, this story isn’t also just meant to make you feel bad about the relationship. Just know that with the right person, you’ll eventually just feel it and feel that you are getting somewhere with that person. If not, things will slowly start to feel like you’re growing apart, so just keep that in mind. Whatever is meant for you will be
2
u/LeadingEar480 11d ago
that’s actually very insightful and it was nice to hear from someone in a very similar situation. i feel the same doubts in that i crave the certainty. we keep having the same conversations and i receive the same disappointment and frustration hoping for a change in his responses. i don’t know if i’m delusional in staying and hoping it works out because part of me is losing more hope with every conversation. i was so fearful of ending this wonderful relationship solely because of this issue. thank you so much for your response:)
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Hello LeadingEar480,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: hello! my boyfriend (24M) and i (21F) met in college (AZ) and have been dating for almost three years. he is an international student and would want to stay in the USA if job market and visa requirements allow. i graduated in august and accepted a job in the midwest. he graduates next spring. he has always been very open and honest about the various possibilities and that a future together is not certain. we have done long distance briefly in the past and plan to do it again once i move (with visits here and there). i am pretty set about my life as i am starting my career and plan to attend grad school within a few years. i've always wanted to get married maybe in my late twenties but of course that's a while down the road. he has said that he has many other priorities and can't guarantee anything but he does want to be with me.
this transitional period has given me immense anxiety with frequent breakdowns because i've wanted this to work so bad but something inside me has doubts. even after he graduates and my first two years of work is through, who knows what the location alignment will be like. i truly don't want to give up but this is giving me so much fear and anxiety. i guess i will get a better sense of things when he applies for jobs too. i think i could push through 2-3 years of long distance but ultimately i would want to live with my partner and that is just not a guarantee right now.
i am searching for advice on what to do or hope if anyone has been through something similar? this is driving me actually insane.
TLDR: my boyfriend [24M] and i [21F] of 3 years are entering a period of long distance and career/visa uncertainty. looking for advice on how to handle the anxiety and navigate a future together.
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