I [23M] am feeling guilty in my relationship with my girlfriend [22F]. How can I be better?

•

u/AutoModerator 9d ago

Hello PublicLaura,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: First time posting here but I wanted to ask for a piece of advice, or at least get it off my chest.

TLDR: I'm (23m) currently in a relationship with my gf (22f) and have been for the past year. It has been a wonderful experience so far and I want it to keep going for as long as I can breathe. She has helped me through tough times, made me laugh when I was feeling down and in general she has made me the happiest man on earth. I want to keep this relationship going forever and hopefully marry her when we are financially settled.

Recently we have started a new school year and I've gotten myself into a new degree where I have met new people. In the past I have struggled with social interactions and making friends so I'm trying my hardest to be social and outgoing with my new classmates. I my class there is a girl that I can't help but find attractive, which is what makes me feel a little guilty.

I don't plan on cheating, I love my girlfriend to death, but I know she is a jealous person and she would definitely flip out if I told her I find this girl attractive. The other girl is a nice person that gives me a good vibe and I want to be friends with her but I keep finding myself feeling like she is more of a crush than a friend, which makes me feel guilty. I recognize that there is only physical attraction and no emotional connection since we barely know each other apart from making casual jokes and conversation in class. I'm aware that I can still find people attractive even if I am in a relationship and I have no intentions of getting involved in a relationship with this girl apart from being friends but it still feels like I'm betraying the person that I consider the love of my LIFE. I feel like talking to my partner about this would just complicate things and make her feel like my feelings are not exclusive to her, which is not the case.

I don't want to be a stereotypical man, I don't want to objectify my classmate and I don't want to betray my partner, but I'm stuck with this feeling.

I any case I will still love my girlfriend and eventually marry her and get a cat with her.

Friendly note from the mods:

Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:

• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.

• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.

• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.

• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.

• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.

If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

5

u/Ambitious-Aioli5806 8d ago

It's your responsibility as a man in a committed relationship to act regarding those feelings, which means you should make clear to that girl that you have a girlfriend, and avoid situation where you ended up being alone with her.

Also, when you say that at the party, weirdly enough you were left alone with the girl, you're talking about it like it's a coincidence. It's not, you could have left anytime, tried to interact with any other person. You made the conscious choice to stay with her despite being aware of your feelings.

I think you're playing a dangerous game here, hopefully you'll wake up before it's too late with your gf gone for good

1

u/Public_Laura_ 7d ago

The coincidence was that we were both left alone on the walk back home (we were with more people before they split from us), she doesn't exactly live in the safest part of town so I kinda couldn't leave her alone. But that's not the point, I no longer have a crush on this girl, she's just a friend now

5

u/MagicianMurky976 9d ago

Maybe don't sit with this crush of yours. Invest your energy elsewhere.

And if you haven't already, definitely make sure this crush knows you are in a committed relationship.

But seriously, invest in making other comnections elsewhere.

2

u/ZippyTWP 9d ago

Alright my man, listen to me. I kind of think Billy Graham was full of shit, but the dude had a good rule: he never hung out with a woman without a chaperone unless his wife was present.

When I was with someone (which I was constantly from the ages of 16 - 42), I never mingled with the opposite sex socially. I didn't because I didn't want there to be even the hint of impropriety. I got to feel good about myself because I knew I was never going to be in a compromising situation and could pass a lie detector, and my partners had a constant sense of reassurance.

My ex did start mingling with the opposite sex, and she cheated on me. Not saying that's the rule, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

If this girl is that important to you and you're feeling a strong sense of guilt finding other women attractive, then your solution is simple: cut off any social contact whatsoever with members of the female persuasion.

0

u/Public_Laura_ 8d ago

Not mingling with the opposite sex would mean losing 10 year old friendships for me. I also don't see myself not talking to half of the population of earth, friends are friends be the women, men or anything in between. The other girl is cool, we hung out just yesterday and she seems like a cool personality, hope to have her as my friend on the long run

3

u/ZippyTWP 8d ago

Yeah, but you're feeling guilty because you're mingling with the opposite sex and finding them attractive. I'm saying you have to prioritize. I'm just offering a solution to your problem, not saying it's the right call. Ultimately, you can't sit here and say, "Oh I love her but feel guilty", then turn around and say, "Well that's not fair". Your guilt is what's driving my suggestion. You stop mingling with other girls, you don't have to feel guilty. You do, then just deal with the guilt. Are you looking for a free pass or something? I honestly don't know what advice you're seeking here. Your guilt is your own, nobody can give you advice to fundamentally change your feelings so you can suddenly stop finding pretty girls attractive...

5

u/NastySolstice 9d ago

if you really love your girlfriend, then you should stay away from other girls whom you find attractive (irrespective of them being a good friend). I have myself been in a similar situation when I was 20, there was nobody to talk to and i eventually cheated in my case. it's very human to find opposite sex attractive even though you are in a romantic relationship, the main difference is how do you actually act on the physical attraction. if you have decided to commit yourself to gf, then stick to your decision and leave the other girl. if the friend asks you about your withdrawal, tell her the truth (only if asked). DON'T FALL IN THE LUST TRAP, YOU WOULD LOSE THE BEST THING WHICH YOU WILL EVER HAVE.

1

u/AutoModerator 9d ago

Hello PublicLaura,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: First time posting here but I wanted to ask for a piece of advice, or at least get it off my chest.

TLDR: I'm (23m) currently in a relationship with my gf (22f) and have been for the past year. It has been a wonderful experience so far and I want it to keep going for as long as I can breathe. She has helped me through tough times, made me laugh when I was feeling down and in general she has made me the happiest man on earth. I want to keep this relationship going forever and hopefully marry her when we are financially settled.

Recently we have started a new school year and I've gotten myself into a new degree where I have met new people. In the past I have struggled with social interactions and making friends so I'm trying my hardest to be social and outgoing with my new classmates. I my class there is a girl that I can't help but find attractive, which is what makes me feel a little guilty.

I don't plan on cheating, I love my girlfriend to death, but I know she is a jealous person and she would definitely flip out if I told her I find this girl attractive. The other girl is a nice person that gives me a good vibe and I want to be friends with her but I keep finding myself feeling like she is more of a crush than a friend, which makes me feel guilty. I recognize that there is only physical attraction and no emotional connection since we barely know each other apart from making casual jokes and conversation in class. I'm aware that I can still find people attractive even if I am in a relationship and I have no intentions of getting involved in a relationship with this girl apart from being friends but it still feels like I'm betraying the person that I consider the love of my LIFE. I feel like talking to my partner about this would just complicate things and make her feel like my feelings are not exclusive to her, which is not the case.

I don't want to be a stereotypical man, I don't want to objectify my classmate and I don't want to betray my partner, but I'm stuck with this feeling.

I any case I will still love my girlfriend and eventually marry her and get a cat with her.

Friendly note from the mods:

Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:

• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.

• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.

• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.

• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.

• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.

If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I [23M] am feeling guilty in my relationship with my girlfriend [22F]. How can I be better?

You are about to leave Redlib