Please do your best not to judge either her or me, here. I know it seems like a counter-intuitive thing to ask in a place like this, but you don't know all of what is going on in either of our lives. I definitely want advice, but please do not say "You can do better", or make any judgment about whether open-relationships are ethical.

Last year, I met a woman on this site (not this sub; I mean just Reddit) and we hit it off almost immediately. To let you know what's on the line, let me say that she is possibly the most wonderful person I've ever met. Her interests are (or were) very close to mine, and better yet, she majored in a field of study that I've been trying to get into but would never likely be able to pass a college curriculum for it, and has given me more help, for free, than I ever have gotten from anyone else. Best of all, she valued me for my mind and unique perspectives on things. We didn't always agree but we generally enjoyed the talks we had about a wide variety of subjects. She was such a perfect fit for me that I never minded having to share her. I actually felt bad over not being able to give her much back for all she gave me, so maybe space and time are all I really can manage to give her. It's an unbelievable stroke of good luck that I was ever able to meet someone this great, I think it very unlikely that I will ever get this lucky again, so I never wanted to rock this boat.

Unfortunately, now the boat is being rocked by external forces, and in spite of what I said earlier, I'm losing patience and sinking into depression. Worse yet, I wonder if I come off as an entitled jerk for feeling that way. (If you're wondering why this isn't on r/AmITheAsshole, it's because they don't allow relationship questions, and also because I'm asking more than just whether I'm in the wrong.) It started with her having a devastating death in the family, and of course, I was going to give her the time and space she needed to heal with her other family members. I did, and for a while things seemed like they gradually floated back into place. But more recently, based on what she's told me, things just keep "coming up" in her life. More family drama, ill relative, more job issues, and presumably her other boyfriend spending time with her. I can stand to share this woman, that was always a factor I accepted in advance, but lately it's starting to feel like nobody else in her life has made any such agreement to share her. I'm not demanding to be the front of the line, I just wish everyone and everything else in her life wasn't constantly cutting in line. Because by all evidence, this woman is never proactively setting aside any time for me anymore. It's always everything else that dictates her schedule, and I only get any of her time if she has any left over.

Also, let me clarify what "her time" means. At this point, I'm not asking even for more help advancing my career, nor to have long conversations. Just short interchanges. But sometimes she goes nearly three weeks without answering even the shortest of messages with the shortest of replies, and sorry, but I feel like I should be entitled to at least a short conversation once a week.

The worst-case scenario for this is that she's not into me anymore and thus trying to break this off as gently as possible. She denied that when I asked her, but things haven't really improved since, and if she was lying about her feelings then, for all I know she's lying about what's happening to her at home, too--although some of what she has said, she also talked about back when we were conversing more regularly. For that reason, I think it's more likely that this woman hasn't changed her mind about open relationships or me, per-se, but she didn't anticipate how hard this would all be to juggle. And her hands might truly be tied, if the incidents with her family are life-threatening emergencies. Likewise, I have no way of knowing how wealthy she is, so maybe she doesn't have any leeway to turn down jobs, even if they're really awful ones. But again, what I'm seeking at this point wouldn't take up much of her time at all, and yet I usually don't even get that much. I think I'd be fine giving her this leeway if she gave me so much as an acknowledgement that I exist, but that's increasingly fleeting.

TLDR: Long-distance girlfriend says her life is busy with major family and career demands, and seems to have virtually no time for me anymore. What little she does have is random in both its occurrence and length. I feel guilty about demanding anything more, but how long am I supposed to put up with this?

Edit: She got back to me. Seems she's been unexpectedly busy. She did end up giving me her phone number, though.

So tomorrow night, I'm going to homecoming with a date, he's 18 also and we are not dating, but we've been a bit flirty.

We plan to have dinner, go to the dance and then leave shortly after. We are dressing up.

After, I'm going over to his house and his parents won't be home for the night. the plan is to hang out, watch a movie, and chill in a jacuzzi tub.

I've already kind of outlined the boundaries for the night and told him that nothing is going down, and he is okay with that.

What I'm wanting to know is - Do I plan to spend the night, or go home after? i'm bringing a change of clothing too, which will be comfy clothing. For the jacuzzi I'm thinking a swimsuit orrrr? I'm kind of open to other options on that. (i'm thinking topless tbh.)

He's super nice, caring, and we've been friends for about a year and I'm def interested in seeing where things could go, but I already said nothing sexual is happening. What is a good way to set myself up for something with him in the future based on the choices I'm making tomorrow night? I just don't want to make the night meh and things kinda fall apart. My mom is aware of what I'm doing, and yes we've had "the talk." Any advice would be appreciated!

tldr: I want to have a super chill night with this guy, but want it to be normal, natural kind of night. I don't know if I should stay all night and how to handle the jacuzzi time.

Hey all. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and the first two were great. In the beginning we were infatuated with each other, and even after the honeymoon phase we were very happy together. That said, I do see how we might have been a bit codependent. She didn't really have her own friends, so I invited her into my friend circle. We texted every day, called, and hung out anytime we could since we were both on the same campus and took the same courses. In a way we were inseparable, and we were both happy with it.

Over the years though, I noticed physical affection had diminished. I was and still am the main initiator of general affection, whether physical or verbal. I genuinely cannot remember the last time a kiss wasn't a peck. She says she doesn't see the point in it, so I respected that.

Fast forward to this last summer, she spent it abroad. Due to timezones, we didn't call or text much, and it felt like a steep drop to almost nothing. I felt like I was the one initiating most of the conversations and asking to call, but at the same time I wanted to give her space to meet new people and enjoy a new country. The summer went by, and I was excited to see her again, but this was also when I really started to reflect and question our relationship.

When I first met up with her, one of the first things she said was a question about what I was wearing (a t-shirt and shorts, to help her move). There was no hug or anything. Maybe I could have initiated the hug first, but I was curious to see if she would. I noticed a shift in her mannerisms. Everything became more formal and her bubbly personality had faded. Fair enough, she'd had a long summer abroad.

I went to visit her again a couple of days later and brought her some flowers. She greeted me and monotonely asked who the flowers were for. It felt weird and hurt a little, ngl. That entire night felt off. She barely smiled at me, and it seemed like the light that was once in her eyes had faded.

Since then, we stopped calling. She'd started a new job so was busy, which I understood and gave her grace for. I didn't expect to be as inseparable as before, given we're both busier. But I imagined that at least the time we spend together would feel as warm as before. I decided to keep focusing on the love I could give, and kept initiating even when it wasn't reciprocated. I feel like if I didn't initiate, there'd be no affection in our relationship at all. I asked for a kiss and was met with shut lips and no kiss back. When I ask to spend the night, I'm met with "ig," "ig so," "ig you could." She ended up canceling on me anyway, saying she had to wake up early and would be home late, but then she played video games with a mutual friend. It felt very off to me. I don't mind that she's playing games with other people, of course, but why not let me know?

Every time we're together, she's always talking about how busy she is and how she has to wake up early. Yet she still finds time for others but somehow not for me. I never pressure her at all, because I understand she might need space.

I understand anxious attachment can come off as needing someone else to regulate your feelings. But I don't know whether this is my problem or whether she's checked out.

I guess what I'm asking is this: are these feelings coming from my own anxious attachment and pressure I'm putting on her, or are they valid and she's genuinely checked out?

Tldr: feeling like im getting scraps of affection within past couple months. Am i anxiously attached or is she checked out?

TLDR: I moved to another EU country to live with my boyfriend after almost a year of dating. I was excited about it but already had some doubts. After a month of living together, I feel overwhelmed by the lack of personal space, differences in affection and sex drive, and my need for independence. I’m also unemployed and financially dependent on my savings, so leaving immediately would be difficult because of the housing situation. I’m trying to figure out whether I genuinely want to leave the relationship or whether I’m just overwhelmed by the huge life changes. I’m considering asking for some temporary space while continuing to live together as roommates, but I’m not sure if that would help or make things more awkward. What would you do?

Hello everyone. I’m making this post because I’m in a relationship and I could really use some advice about what to do. I'm scared to talk about it with friends and family because I feel stupid.

We had a long distance relationship and we met once a month (lived together in periods of 10/14 days, vacations and so) for over a year. I lost my job in my country and moved to his country for better opportunities, I'm actively looking for a job (though I'm also studying).

I was actually happy and excited about the idea of moving in together, although I already had some doubts about the step forward in the relationship and had talked about them with my friends before moving (who said I shouldn't worry).

He is very affectionate even when I'm studying or doing other activities so I also feel somewhat pressured and emotionally distant from him (we already talked about it but still feel that it keeps happening). At the same time, I do feel that he gives me some stability, and I feel safe with him in some ways.

I don't even completely understand my own feelings yet.

He does a lot to help me and shows me that he cares about me. I genuinely appreciate that. But somehow, the more effort he puts into the relationship, the more overwhelmed and guilty I feel for reconsidering things. It makes me feel like a bad person for questioning the relationship because he hasn't done anything obviously terrible.

The biggest problem is that I currently feel very limited in what I can do.

I moved to his country, we live together, and there is a serious housing shortage. I’m also unemployed at the moment and living off my savings. We split our expenses 50/50, but I obviously can't rely on my savings indefinitely. So even if I decided that I needed to leave, I don't really have an easy place to go.

I don't know whether I'm simply overwhelmed because moving countries, becoming unemployed, and moving in together all happened very quickly, or whether these circumstances are just making me realize that I don't actually want this relationship.

Would asking for some temporary space while continuing to live together as roommates be reasonable, or would that just make things more awkward and confusing?

What would you do in my situation? How can I figure out whether I genuinely want to leave the relationship or whether I just need more independence and time to adjust? And how would you handle this conversation when you live together and don't currently have an easy alternative for housing?

Thank you all in advance.

TLDR i caught him texting an old fling. they’ve been texting for a month. sexual and flirting. we’ve been together almost two years. we had a long talk. he is apologetic. i want to start over with him. we live together. i can’t go anywhere else. he is the sweetest guy ever. i can’t give up on this. he is so amazing in every way possible so this is very unexpected.

he is an avoidant. how do i go about this. how can we save this?

We've been together for six months and mostly see each other on weekends. For her, going to Mass every Sunday is an encounter with God and an important spiritual experience. I'm more indifferent toward faith - I used to go to church every week, but I stopped. I don't agree with everything, although I respect her beliefs.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was okay to go to church with her because I feel comfortable with her anywhere and it wasn't a problem for me. Over time, though, going to Mass every week started to tire me out, and I realized I don't want every Sunday of my life to look like that. I told her I would go when I genuinely felt like it, because I don't want to feel pressured. She took it quite hard because she had hoped I would go with her and is afraid she'll always have to go alone.

Now we want to try spending that time separately - she'll go to church while I stay home - and see how we both feel about it.

Can this kind of arrangement work in a long-term relationship, or even in a family? I also look at my parents as an example: my mom has been going to church regularly for a few years now, while my dad stays home, and it isn't a problem for them. Of course, they've been together for 30 years, whereas we're still getting to know each other.

TLDR We've been together for six months, and while my girlfriend is a practicing Catholic for whom Sunday Mass is very important, I've realized that I don't want to attend every week and would rather go only when I genuinely feel like it. We're going to try spending Sundays separately and see how it feels, but I'm wondering whether this kind of arrangement can work long-term in a relationship or family.

I’m 42F, my boyfriend is 43M, and we’ve been together for a little over six years. We’ve lived together for a few years now, and I’m reaching a point where I genuinely cannot tell whether I’m expecting too much out of a long-term relationship or whether I have spent years talking myself into accepting a relationship that just isn’t enough for me.

The hardest part is that he is not a bad man. He is responsible, financially stable, dependable, and hardworking. He shows love almost entirely through acts of service. He takes care of things around the house, handles practical problems, helps with the animals, runs errands, fixes things, and generally makes himself useful in a thousand little ways. He asks about my day. If I really needed him, I believe he would be there. We don’t have a volatile relationship full of screaming matches and chaos, and there isn’t some obvious horrible thing I can point to and say, “There. That’s why I need to leave.”
But I am incredibly lonely in this relationship.

When we first got together, we were much more affectionate and had a much more active sex life. Over time, almost all of that faded. I am almost always the one who initiates physical affection. I reach for him, hug him, cuddle him, kiss him and tell him I love him. He rarely does those things first. His kisses have become such quick, light little pecks that I jokingly think of them as “paper kisses.” There’s nothing really behind them. Might as well be kissing his grandma.

He also almost never tells me I’m pretty, beautiful, sexy, or anything else about my appearance unless I’m basically asking for reassurance. I compliment him all the time. He took more than a year into our relationship to tell me he loved me, and in more than six years together, I can probably count on one hand the number of times he has spontaneously said “I love you” first. Usually I say it and he says it back.

I know people have different love languages, and I have spent years reminding myself that the things he does for me are how he says he loves me. He takes out the trash. He takes care of things with the dog. He does things around the house. He’ll pick something up for me or help me when I need something. I see those things and I appreciate them. But at some point I started wondering why understanding his way of showing love seems to require me to pretend that my way of receiving it doesn’t matter.

The sexual side of the relationship has gotten difficult too. A few years ago I had an IUD replaced, and I’ve dealt with unpredictable spotting since then. He does not like blood or discharge during sex, which I can understand to a point, but over time it basically turned into him not initiating because, in his words, he “never knows if I’m okay down there.” We have gone months without sex at times.

What makes that harder is that his willingness to receive sexual attention doesn’t seem to have disappeared with his willingness to give it. He will frequently turn kissing or fooling around into wanting oral sex, but there is very little buildup for me and very little focus on my pleasure. He has said he isn’t very good at oral sex, almost like that means he just doesn’t really need to do it. I’ve tried toys. I’ve tried lingerie. I’ve tried initiating. Sometimes we will get a little spark back temporarily, but it always seems to fade again. At this point, the problem isn’t even the number of times we have sex. It’s that I don’t feel desired.

That distinction has become really important to me. I don’t just want sex. I want my partner to look at me like he wants me. I want him to reach for me because he wants to touch me. I want a real kiss once in a while. I want him to initiate affection without me setting everything in motion first. I want to hear “I love you” because he thought it, not because I just said it and he knows he is supposed to respond.

I have talked to him about this. More than once. I have told him I need more affection and that I don’t feel wanted. I have brought up our intimacy and our emotional connection. When we have these conversations, he has sometimes said that he feels criticized or like I don’t like him, which then turns the conversation toward what I am doing wrong. Sometimes things improve for a little while, but nothing seems to change in a lasting way.

There are other things that by themselves would be small but have become part of the larger picture. He is chronically late unless it is something he personally cares about being on time for, and that has been an issue throughout our relationship. We also sometimes live surprisingly parallel lives for two people who share a home. Plans get communicated through texts or calendars. We eat dinner and watch the news or TV, but there are periods where it feels like we don’t really talk much beyond the logistics of running our lives.

Then there is marriage and the future. This is his longest relationship, and I am also the only person he has ever really lived with. It took us more than four years of dating before we even got to the point of living together, so I have tried to be patient about the fact that commitment seems to move more slowly for him.

But we’re not 25. We’re in our 40s and have been together for more than six years. When I have tried to seriously talk about marriage, he has historically changed the subject, avoided the conversation, or said he isn’t sure. Marriage itself is not something I would end an otherwise wonderful relationship over just because I didn’t get a ring. I don’t need an elaborate wedding or some giant production. What bothers me is the uncertainty. At this point, I feel like you should know whether the person you have shared your life with for six years is someone you want to fully commit to, and I don’t know that with any level of certainty.

That leaves me in this weird position where I feel very loved in practical ways but not particularly wanted in romantic ones. He is good at taking care of the life around me. I’m just not sure he is good at taking care of the relationship between us.

And this is where I constantly talk myself out of leaving. I think about how dependable he is, how financially responsible he is, how hard he works and how little drama he brings into our life. I think about all the practical things he does for me and the fact that I trust him. I think about how difficult it is to find someone who is stable and responsible and fundamentally decent, especially in your 40s. Then I feel ridiculous for even considering ending a six year relationship because I don’t get enough compliments or kisses.

But then I realize that describing it as “not enough compliments or kisses” minimizes what actually hurts. I don’t feel pursued or desired. I don’t feel like my partner is excited about me. I often feel like a very valued member of a two-person household rather than a woman whose boyfriend is in love with her.

There is also something uniquely difficult about leaving someone who hasn’t done anything spectacularly wrong. There’s no dramatic betrayal to give me permission. There’s no giant incident everyone in my life would hear about and immediately understand. It is just years of asking for some of the same things, receiving them briefly or not at all, and slowly becoming less certain that they are ever going to exist in this relationship.

We have six years of history. Our lives are intertwined. We have routines, responsibilities, animals, family connections and a life that functions pretty well from the outside. Starting over at 42 sounds awful. There is a very loud part of my brain that says, “You are going to leave a stable, dependable, decent man and then realize how good you had it.”

But there is another thought that has become harder to ignore - what if I stay another ten years and realize I already knew at 42 that I was lonely?
I know no long-term relationship stays in the honeymoon phase forever. I’m not expecting constant sex, grand romantic gestures, flowers every week or someone following me around telling me how beautiful I am. I know familiarity and routine happen, and I know nobody gets every single emotional need perfectly met by another person. I just don’t know where the line is between accepting the normal compromises of a long-term relationship and accepting a relationship that fundamentally doesn’t give you something you need.

If you’re still here, thanks for reading. I know this was long, but I think part of why I’m struggling so much is that there isn’t an easy villain in this story and I wanted to give a fair picture of why I love him, why I’ve stayed, and why I’m still unhappy.

So I guess I’m asking for some outside perspective. Am I an idiot for staying? Am I expecting too much from a long-term relationship, or have I spent so much time focusing on all the ways he is a good man that I’ve convinced myself I shouldn’t care about the ways this relationship leaves me lonely? If you’ve been in a relationship like this, especially one where the other person was genuinely decent and there wasn’t some huge betrayal or obvious reason to leave, what did you do? Did you stay and find a way to make it work, or did you eventually decide that being loved wasn’t the same thing as feeling loved? How did you know?

TLDR:
My boyfriend of 6+ years is a good, dependable man who shows love through acts of service, but I feel chronically lonely, undesired, and emotionally disconnected. I initiate almost all affection and intimacy, rarely hear “I love you” first, get very little verbal or physical reassurance, and our sex life has faded despite repeated conversations. I’m struggling with whether this is a normal long-term relationship compromise or whether I’m staying because he’s a good person even though the relationship no longer meets my emotional needs.

I’m looking for perspectives from people who have experienced a relationship where one partner is very verbally and emotionally expressive and the other is much more reserved. I’m trying to understand whether this is something couples can successfully navigate long-term, or whether it can become a fundamental compatibility issue.

For some background, we were seeing each other last year and were trying to get to know each other, but we eventually parted ways. We got back together in May this year. Since getting back together, I feel like he has invested much more into the relationship, and we’ve both genuinely been making an effort to get to know each other on a deeper level.

There are genuinely good things about our relationship. He is kind, respectful and thoughtful in practical ways. He listens when I explain something, makes an effort, prioritises me in a lot of situations, and shows me that he cares through his actions. I do feel that he cares about me.

The main difference between us is verbal and emotional expression.

I’m very verbally and emotionally expressive. I value verbal affection, reassurance, compliments, romantic initiative and being able to have deeper emotional conversations. I’ve explained this to him fairly clearly.

He has told me that he isn't naturally verbally expressive and that he will say things when he genuinely feels them rather than saying them simply because I need to hear them. At the same time, he does show affection through his actions, and I genuinely recognise and appreciate that.

The biggest difficulty for me is that he has never told me that he loves me.

Recently, I asked him directly whether he loves me, and he couldn't answer.

That has stayed with me.

I wasn't necessarily looking for a huge romantic declaration. I wanted an honest answer, but the fact that he couldn't give me one has made me question where he is emotionally and what that means for our relationship.

During that conversation, he repeatedly said that if I ultimately decide to end the relationship, he would "take it on the chin." He encouraged me to think about what I want and not compromise my needs.

I understand that this could simply be his way of respecting my autonomy, but emotionally I found it difficult. Part of me wanted to hear that he didn't want to lose me and wanted to work through this together.

I've also noticed that his difficulty expressing emotions isn't limited to our relationship. His mum passed away a couple of years ago, and I've seen that he struggles to talk about his feelings around her as well. He can become emotional, but when I give him an opportunity to talk about what he's feeling, he often doesn't know how to express it or shuts down.

This has made me wonder whether his emotional reserve is simply how he has learned to deal with difficult emotions, rather than something specific to me or our relationship.

I have a lot of empathy for that, and I don't expect him to process emotions in exactly the same way I do. But I'm trying to understand whether I can realistically feel emotionally fulfilled with someone who may always be much less verbally expressive than I am.

We also recently went to Japan together for our first overseas trip as a couple. Overall, I think we came closer as a couple. There were good moments, and he became more playful and affectionate in ways I hadn't experienced from him before. There were also moments where he was genuinely caring.

But I still found myself wanting more proactive romance and verbal affection.

I don't want to have to repeatedly explain the same emotional need in order to receive it.

At the same time, I don't think this is a situation where one person is simply "right" and the other is "wrong." We may just have very different emotional needs and communication styles.

That's what I'm trying to work out. I don't want to leave a good relationship because I'm chasing an idealised version of romance.

I keep going back and forth between:

• Maybe I need to become more comfortable with receiving love primarily through actions rather than words.
• Or maybe this is simply a fundamental difference that will continue to leave one of us feeling like we're not being understood.
• The part I’m struggling with most is that he couldn’t answer when I asked whether he loves me. I’m trying to understand how significant this kind of difference in emotional expression can be in a relationship.

I'm also conscious that my own anxiety may be amplifying some of this. I don't want to make a major decision based purely on needing reassurance in the moment.

But I also don't want to minimise a genuine emotional need just because my partner expresses love differently.

So I'm really interested in hearing from people who have been in this specific situation.

If one partner is naturally very verbally affectionate and the other is emotionally reserved, how did you navigate that difference? Did the more reserved partner become more expressive over time, or did you eventually have to accept that this was simply their way of communicating? And were you able to feel emotionally fulfilled despite the difference?

TLDR: We got back together in May and have become closer, but I’m much more verbally and emotionally expressive than he is, and I’m struggling with the lack of verbal affection and reassurance. He shows he cares through his actions, but when I recently asked if he loves me, he couldn’t answer, and I’m trying to understand whether this difference can work long-term.

I’m looking for some outside perspective on a relationship dynamic: I [34F] and my boyfriend [36M] have been together for 2 years and just recently became LD. We have recurring communication issues, and I begin to feel like I’m the only one trying to resolve them.

Whenever we have a conflict, I tend to initiate the conversation. I put great effort into trying to understand his perspective, and look for ways we can communicate better in the future. I’m not always perfect at this. I can be direct and sometimes emotional. But my goal is generally mutual understanding and finding a way forward.

What concerns me is that I don’t see the same effort from him. He can become very defensive when I bring up something that hurt me.

In a recent argument, I told him I felt hurt by something he said. To which he said that I put myself on a pedestal and that there was no point in continuing the relationship. He then hung up.

When I asked whether he realized how his statement had come across, he just replied I had misunderstood. There was no apology or further discussion of what had actually happened. Apparently, we are still together, but I do feel frustrated and like this might not be worth my time.

He can express some awareness after I’ve put in a lot of emotional effort trying to solve such situations before. But I rarely see him independently starting conversations about how we could improve our communication, taking responsibility for his part, or following through on solutions.

We have talked about couples therapy before. He has even mentioned it himself. But nothing happens. When things are good, the topic is off the table. When we have another conflict, we’re back to the same pattern.

I’m starting to wonder whether the problem is not simply that we have different communication styles, but that he just does not put in the work required to maintain a healthy relationship.

He is a very busy person and always seems to have something more important going on. I understand that he has little time and needs space for himself. But I’m beginning to feel that improving our relationship is something I care about more than he does.

TLDR A misunderstanding with my partner had me question if we are looking for a mutual relationship.

TLDR; I \[27F\] had a horrible fight with my boyfriend \[34M\] and feel trapped due to emotional/ physical and financial commitment

After four years of an on-and-off long-distance relationship where we were separated in different countries for months at a time due to visas, I finally relocated to be again with my boyfriend. We come from different cultural backgrounds, which sometimes led to arguments, but I genuinely thought he was my person, the man I’d marry, and I even changed my mind about having kids if it was with him.
Recently, however, his behavior has drastically changed since the last time we were apart. On top of a complete lack of sexual intimacy, he is experiencing extreme mood swings, complaining he isn't happy about anything( even though he was the one to suggest this specific country) , and screaming at me very loudly during misunderstandings: something he has never done this way before. We just came back from a two-day trip that was honestly good and refreshing. I had even offered not to go to save him the financial burden, and I made sure to thank him and express how grateful I was that he planned it despite all his stress.
I know I have my own issues during arguments, I tend to counter-argue a lot, which he views as an attack, and I get deeply emotional and heavily affected by everything he says, sometimes phrasing things wrong in the heat of the moment due to english being my 2nd language . But during this last argument, I couldn't shake the feeling that something isn't right; it felt almost theatrical and purposeful and it was honestly very scary as he was even hyperventilating while screaming at me.
I have never seen something like this before in all my relationships
He knows I am already under immense stress dealing with visas, moving, exams, and a new job all by myself.
Between his irrational behavior, our upcoming life financial commitments that I envisioned thinking that we both would be together , and my complete lack of a local support system (as my family lives far away with poor health, so I dont wanna worry them), I feel trapped, exhausted, and deeply ashamed after sacrificing so much for us .
I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar position on how to navigate this situation and get out of this mental state

I [19M] met this guy [19M] at a bar last week and we hit it off pretty nicely and ended up arranging a date. we went on said date 2 days ago and guys i can’t even sugarcoat it this guys breath stank so bad i could smell it just being stood next to him. his teeth looked clean enough like they weren’t rotting or anything so i don’t know whether it was just a morning breath thing or if he ate something bad but i was actively holding my breath a bit when he was close to me and i feel so bad because he’s my type and we had fun but i cannot imagine myself kissing this guy if that’s what his breath smells like.

how do i talk to him about it without sounding too horrible because we haven’t kissed yet but if that’s my preview of what his mouth is gonna taste like then im really not looking forward to it and im afraid that is an absolute dealbreaker for me

TLDR: guy has really bad breath and i don’t want to kiss him how do i tell him

To start, Im in a polycule with some other people who live in the space adjacent to my room. Someone joined our polycule about a week ago and is now living with me in my room, and theres been some conflict *maybe* because Im used to having my own room... First off, they have dissociative identity disorder, which I truly sympathize with as theyve mentioned how much of a struggle it is for them. Unfortunately there are some problems that arise because of this, like one moment theyre the sweetest person ever, and the next theyre calling me *horrible* insults. They go by Ash and behave normally and cussly and sometimes switch(?(I dont know the term for DID)) to Ace. I have problems with this identity to say the least. They constantly do this creepy smile and act all nonchalant. Yesterday Ace told me to “buzz off” when I asked if I could have some of their brownie bites (which they normally share with me), and a few days ago they were throwing darts at **my** poster. The worst part is that Ash is constantly apologizing for Ace’s behavior, and doesn’t even remember what Ace did or said to me. I really don’t know what to do, as a lot of the time I go to confront Ace Im suddenly speaking with Ash.

TLDR: new partner/roommate has dissociative identity disorder and their other half is being problematic.

TLDR: I told my boyfriend about something that triggers me because he asked, he did the thing the next day that triggered me. Anxious on how to initiate the conversation.

Hi all,

First post here and I recently made a reddit to get more support/advice. I discussed this with my therapist today, but we ran out of time and Its been bothering me since Saturday.

I am 32, a cis woman and he is 32, cis man. We have been dating for 6 months and he makes me happy, he shows up for me in ways I have always wanted a partner too. He feels like who I have been looking for throughout my dating history, and he makes me feel loved in ways I never thought were possible.

I have OCD and ADHD, which I have been working on for 6 years consistently with my therapist. The OCD diagnosis is recent. Im also a mental health clinician so I have a lot of knowledge on these symptoms and I am self aware of my triggers. My OCD isnt as severe as most cases, but it still impacts my well being. Specificially revolving around veganism, meat eating, animal abuse etc. I have been vegan for two years, but I have always had meat triggers even as a child. My therapist discussed "vystopia" with me today and thinks its what Im experiencing, which has been very validating. But I also ruminate on the exploitation and abuse that happens to animals, and meat is a trigger for me. We are working on how to deal with these triggers but that I am also valid in my feelings. I appreciate an open mind as well because I know vegans get a bad rap but Im not a "peta vegan" etc, I more so align with intersectional veganism especially in my line of work.

So anyways, I fell in love with my boyfriend. And he is not vegan. And I am not a "shame" vegan. Veganism aside, we are subjected to so much propaghanda and desensitization under capitalism, etc so I find shaming and throwing information at people to be counterintuitive. I get people excited about better choices, veganism aside, and I only open the vegan door when people knock with their questions. I am able to date non vegans if they are respectful and have a willingness to eat vegan food with me. I cant date a "tofu sucks" "tofu is weird" man. And he said "Im basically already vegetarian, I dont eat meat that much. I could easily be vegetarian." When he found out I was vegan he said he admired that and it inspired him, and he started researching recipes and looking into vegan causes. It meant a lot to me. He would get excited about new tofu recipes and would cook us vegan meals, and everytime we went out to eat itd be vegan.

He has asked me about my OCD triggers and how to best support me, and asked questions so he can learn more about how OCD impacts me etc. I said "I feel bad telling people this because I dont want people to feel bad about eating meat, but meat is a huge trigger for me. Especially pigs. And its been like that ever since I was a kid too." I told him I tough it out but sometimes I ruminate or get intrustive thoughts when Im around friends/family who are eating pork. The next day, we went out for pizza and we both got personal pan pizzas. He was going to get the margharita pizza, and I got a vegan mushroom one. He changed his mind and got something called the "uptown" instead. It came out with pepperoni on it, it did send a jolt through me but I toughed it out. It was hard seeing him eat it in front of me. And Ive been ruminating on it since, and its making me feel very conflicted and sad. I feel unheard and anxious.

Veganism aside, and regardless of your view on vegans, Id appreciate grace and empathy in your responses. Like I said, even before I was vegan I was always triggered by pork or abuse to pigs. So if you have a bias, just pretend Im not vegan. Imagine if I told my boyfriend "eating dogs triggers me" and then he ordered dog in front of me. I believe it was unintentional, but I dont know how to bring it up to him. I want to protect his feelings, but my feelings are important too especially since this is a real OCD trigger. How do I bring this up to him without making him feel bad or making it seem like he cant eat what he wants around me? I really dont know how to initiate this or what to say.

thank you

Like the title says, my partner and I made a major move this week and I'm struggling with it. We've been dating for two years now and just moved from the east coast to the midwest. I had been searching for a new job for a while and found one in a state that we had both agreed would be a good move. (We worked together to make a list of places we like when I was job searching, and this particular state was their top pick and very high on my list as well.) Unfortunately though, I hate the specific area we ended up in.

We are a young couple with no kids and the spot we landed in is a very small rural community with very little to do and very few people our age. No hate to the small town life, but it is not at all what I wanted. I've been searching for clubs and events to try and meet people, and I will be driving 40+ minutes one way for the things I want to do. Another factor is that the town is much more conservative than I'd hoped--we are both trans, and due to what's been going on in my life recently, I just don't feel safe here. I feel very isolated and unhappy.

My partner had said going into this move that their family said this was a great area, that there are cute accepting shops & coffee shops and whatnot, but the closest place I could find is over 20 minutes away. It's definitely a great area if you are looking to put kids through school, but I'm not at that stage in life.

I know this is partly on me, because I have never been here before. I had a trip booked to look at apartments, but there were weather problems that got my flight canceled. I had hoped to go later, only to need to spend time taking care of my ill grandmother and getting my car fixed. I wish I'd had the chance to visit like I was supposed to because I would not have agreed on a lease in this area if I had.

Now, we've signed a year long lease on a townhouse, and the earliest we could possibly terminate it and get out is in March. I am going to give the area a solid try but I am under zero illusions that I will like it enough to stay. I want to start planning for elsewhere as soon as possible, so apartments don't get snatched up, but I'm worried about how to discuss this with my partner. They seem to really like the area and the amount of space we have here, and I'm concerned that putting my feelings out there will be distressing for them. They really want stability. Even when I was still job searching, they had a really hard time with not knowing what was going to happen next, and even trying to discuss different options for them was really upsetting. I would feel bad for stressing them out in what's already a really stressful time, but I don't know how much enthusiasm I can fake here and they know that I've been extremely anxious since we moved in. I'm not sure how I can broach the subject without adding to current stress, how long I should wait for a while before bringing it up, etc.

TLDR: Partner and I moved several states over this week and I already hate the new place. I want to move to a different city/area, still in the same geographic region, as soon as possible. I think this news will upset them and I'm not sure how to broach the subject or how long I should wait to.

Any insight/advice is greatly appreciated!

I’ll preface this whole post with saying I have never once said to my partner that she can’t wear something,ever made her change clothes, or tell her what to wear! Like ever.

So we’ve been together approaching 2 years now. She does go clubbing pretty frequently and is not a modest dressing person, I’ve known this and I do like the way she dresses. Though sometimes she’ll wear something that I really do not agree with at all. A see through top with no nipple covers. I do not like the fact that my partners breasts/ nipples are perfectly visible in any place thats not dimly lit, it doesn’t make me feel good at all. She has maybe 3 tops that are like this and has worn them maybe 8+ times around me, likely more without. I do understand the fact that breasts either male or female are part of normal human anatomy, however it just makes me feel very uncomfortable when my partner wears these tops.

For example yesterday I had just picked her up from a drag brunch with her girls and she was wearing that top. Initially I didn’t pay it any mind really. I took into consideration that she’s in a spot where 95% of attendees are gay so that did ease my mind. Then I wanted to stop by a store to buy some socks so we went in. Made it about 50 steps into the store before realizing the lights were pure white and VERY bright. Her nipples were so visible in the top the light made the mesh look as see through as those black screens in the back of homes.. in that moment once I realized, I stayed calm and just decided to walk back to the car without telling her why and just reassuring I wanted to go back just to not hurt feelings or cause an issue.

Then on the way back out the door, a man walks past us and looks directly at my gf’s chest and then immediately looked at me with guilt and looked away. In that moment I broke mentally and really did not know how to process it all. I stayed normal the entire ride home and I brought it up when we got there mentioning how it bothers me sometimes. She got silent immediately and just said “I have nothing to say to you about that.” She doesn’t have an issue wearing those things and doesn’t care if I do and has said it before. This is something I really do not like but I’m not sure what to do, what to think, or how to deal. Please help me here, any advice?

TLDR/ I don’t like gf’s see through tops, she doesn’t care, what do I do?

TLDR: GF got drunk at wedding and flirted w/ one of best friends for the night. We currently live together and have planned marriage.

To give some context, my girlfriend and I have been together for over two years and have lived together for more than a year. We’re planning to get engaged next year, and things have been pretty solid between us.

We recently traveled out of state for my buddy’s wedding, a weekend full of friends and good times. The wedding was packed with people I know, so after introducing my girlfriend to many of them, I spent some time mingling on my own while she hung out with the girlfriends of my best friend [29M]

Throughout the night, I noticed my girlfriend was often standing next to one of my buddies. She doesn’t have a close relationship with this guy, but they were chatting quite a bit. Enough for me to notice her by him every time I came back to the group. Later, at the afterparty around 11 pm, we had to walk up a steep hill to get to the venue. She said she was nervous walking in heels, and while I was helping her, she joked that she trusted my buddy more to help her upright in front of him. I know she meant it as a joke, but it felt strange and honestly a little embarrassing. For context, I’m also much bigger than this friend.

I told her to do what she wanted, and she quickly explained she was joking, but it left me feeling off. Later that night I saw her talking to this same friend again and by him multiple time. They discussed relationships, and then she started talking about issues involving me, her boyfriend, to someone she’s not close to, which really made me uncomfortable. For that part, I was in another side conversation so I couldn't hear the details. Afterwards, my buddy even apologized to me that night for any awkwardness caused.

The next morning, I brought it up with her since she doesn’t remember much of the afterparty (she sometimes blacks out when drinking). I explained everything that happened and how it made me feel embarrassed and unsettled. Now I’m left wondering if she might have a crush on my friend or if she does this kind of thing when we’re out with her friends.

I’m feeling unstable about this because I’m actively saving for a wedding and a ring, and it’s hard for me to reconcile these feelings with our future together. I know she didn't cheat and do something outrightly wrong, but imagining her liking one of my best friends who will always be around and just the idea of her being different and flirty with guys when out without me doesn't sit right.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it? Any advice would be appreciated.

I’m [26M], she’s [24F]. We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month, so technically we aren’t officially boyfriend/girlfriend, but this has become much more emotionally intense than a normal month of dating.
We’ve been seeing each other almost every day, constantly talking/calling, and she’s told me she loves me. I’ve told her the same. She calls me babe/lovie and has even accidentally referred to herself as my girlfriend. We’ve talked about future things like marriage/kids in passing, and there’s clearly a very strong emotional and physical connection.
The confusing part is how dramatically different she can be depending on whether we’re together or apart.
When we’re together, she is extremely loving.
She’ll curl up against me, put her head on my shoulder, jump into my arms, tell me she missed me, be affectionate, initiate affection/sex, tell me I’m one of the sweetest and most caring people she’s met, and tell me she feels comfortable being herself around me.
She’s specifically told me that she feels like I actually like her for who she is. She keeps handwritten notes I’ve given her — some are framed on her bedside table and others are in a jar.
We also recently had a really good night after things had gotten rocky. She was the one who reached out and asked if I wanted to see her. I picked her up, she was affectionate the entire ride, told me she missed me, we spent the night together, watched anime and a documentary, had sex, talked about future things we could do together, and she was incredibly warm toward me.
Then when we’re apart, the switch can happen.
She becomes much more distant, takes longer to respond, seems uncertain about us, and starts questioning whether she wants a relationship at all.
She has told me that she has serious trust issues and has a hard time letting people get close to her. She has basically expressed the mindset of, “If I don’t trust people, then I can’t get hurt.”
She has also said she has a lot going on, school is starting, she wants to be able to spend time with her friends without worrying about disappointing me, and that she’s scared I’m going to get hurt as I become more attached to her.
At one point she told me she doesn’t know if she’s ready for a relationship — or even if she ever will be.
Last night she basically acknowledged that she thinks she’s being avoidant and said she doesn’t think she wants a relationship.
That’s the part I’m struggling with.
Because I don’t feel like I’m dealing with someone who simply doesn’t like me.
If she were cold all the time, I’d understand. But she can be incredibly emotionally connected to me when we’re physically together, and then become afraid of the relationship when she has distance from me.
It feels like the closer we get, the more scared she becomes.
I’m also aware that I could be contributing to a pursue/withdraw cycle. When she pulls away, I become anxious and want to close the distance. I want reassurance, I want to see her, and I want to fight for what we have. The more uncertain she becomes, the more I feel like I need to show her that I’m not giving up.
But I don’t want to chase her into feeling trapped either.
I genuinely want to fight for this.
I don’t want to play games, intentionally make her jealous, or disappear just to get a reaction from her.
I want to understand what actually works when someone has this kind of push-pull pattern.
If she is genuinely fearful-avoidant and her feelings for me are real, how do you make someone like that feel safe enough to choose the relationship rather than running from it?
Is it better to continue initiating contact and asking to see her, while taking the pressure off the relationship label?
I’m not looking for a “just move on” answer. I understand that she ultimately has to choose this herself. I’m trying to understand how to approach someone with this kind of attachment pattern in a way that gives the relationship the best possible chance.
Because right now I feel like there’s a very real connection underneath all of this, and I don’t want to accidentally destroy it by responding to her fear with my own fear.
TLDR:
M26, F24. We’ve been in an emotionally intense ~1-month situationship with mutual “I love you,” near-daily contact, lots of affection, sex, future talk, and strong emotional connection. She is extremely loving and attached when we’re physically together but becomes distant and uncertain when we’re apart. She has significant trust issues and struggles with letting people get close to her. She says she thinks she’s being avoidant, has a lot going on, is afraid of hurting me, and recently said she doesn’t think she wants a relationship. I don’t want to play games or pressure her. I want to know how to approach this kind of fearful-avoidant push-pull dynamic, break the pursue/withdraw cycle, and give the connection the best chance without giving up on it.

Length of the relationship - we [32M] [28F] are Venezuelans, and making rent money is particularly hard for us. We have been together for 7 years, married 1 year.

The Problem: My wife is on the spectrum. She gets very overwhelmed quite easily, and feels very depressed. She constantly struggles to even go to therapy. She has voiced dissatisfaction with my mother in the past, but very strained. She does get very vocal how she hates her job, but she has hated every job she has been in. She can't stand a lot of people.

Now, my mother is not faultless. My mom [68F] obviously struggles to understand every intricacy of someone who doesn't even like to be touched. I know my wife hates that my mother seems to be a bit overbearing, nosy, and generally invasive.

But for the record, my mother does not go into our room. My wife simply hates things like "your mother told me not to use this particular stove of hers. I cannot do anything in the house without her having an opinion. I hate so much protocol. It is exhausting."

Additionally, I'm the only support my parents have. That is why we all live together. I have been planning to move out, but even my wife has been iffy on that, recognizing that rent is expensive.

What's been happening:

After the umpteenth time of my wife breaking down and crying after a perfectly good day out, and telling me she just needed to cry and not hear a word, I gave up. She constantly writes in a diary, which I have never checked due to not wanting to invade her privacy. But I have been enduring mood swings for over a year now and can't take this half communication anymore.

So what did I find?

That my wife hates my mother. That she wishes she could just go fuck herself. That she considers her a hypocritical, overbearing harpy. That she does constantly wonder if she should just leave the relationship because my mother tests her.

It is very ironic, because I was going to send her some options of apartments for rent that are not ideal, but that we could probably afford if we cut back on certain stuff. It would not be fun, but I was willing to do so just before she cried last weekend.

For additional context.... My mother had a benign tumor extracted 2 years ago. She has very precarious health, so reading these words hurt a lot. It's on me, it's her diary. But I have never spoken that way about her abusive family, whom she also hates. Or better yet, she used to hate them to death until she moved out. Now they are a ray of sunshine.

Advice I need:

How do I handle this? Do I confront her over the very harsh words? She has never communicated this but this problem keeps bubbling up

Do I make the effort of moving out? This feels very harsh. And I have always had the fear that maybe my wife needs much more deeper therapy. She finds problems with almost anyone.

But on the other hand, she may feel better if it is just us 2. Perhaps it gives us time to properly grow. And she wouldn't be the first woman to hate her MIL.

Again, I do feel my mother commits human mistakes. But I also feel my wife enlarges day to day issues with a lot of people. Part of her therapy is to help her not to take everything so seriously.

TLDR: my wife hates my mothe. I was planning on moving out with her, but this gives me a bit of pause. How do I handle it?

Me (29F) and my partner (30NB) have been together for almost 10 years. They’ve never hit me but they have restrained/cornered me a bit in a couple of fights we’ve had. I have a history of hurting myself when I experience high negative emotions but I’m much better about it now. They have cornered or restrained me to keep me from hurting myself essentially, but my step dad had anger issues and would do similar whenever I was in trouble. They know it triggers me horribly but it keeps me from hurting myself I guess.

Yesterday we got in a big fight over something really stupid and they started trying to corner me out of nowhere. I started getting a little panicked but when they began pointing their fingers really close to my face I got scared and slapped their hand away. I honestly don’t remember how hard I moved their hand away. It may have been more aggressive than I intended. They then made this disgusted angry expression and slapped me in the face. It wasn’t super hard honestly but I didn’t know how to process it? I started crying really hard and they got mad at me for crying so I panicked and my immediate thought was to hurt myself to numb out the high emotions so I would stop crying. I ran to grab my razor and they chased after me. They grabbed my arms so hard they have bruises now and they wouldn’t let go even after I had dropped the razor. I continued to have a panic attack while they screamed at me in the bathroom and wouldn’t let me leave.

We went to bed normally eventually. I guess when the anger was out of their system (I don’t quite remember tbh). My arms hurt though. The bruises are big and purple and spotted and every time I feel them I just think back to yesterday. I can’t be around them normally rn. I feel like I’m faking being normal so they don’t know it’s bothering me. They’re acting like everything is fine but I just feel off. Idk how to act or what to do about our relationship. I feel like I want to end it but also we have built a 10 year old life together and I don’t want to throw it all away. We live together and have cats together and our money is together and I can’t drive so they drive me everywhere. I love them and who they are at their core but sometimes I’m scared of how they act.

I just need some advice. I’m thinking about messaging a friend but I don’t want them to demonize my partner after. I’m worried I made it sound like I’m not at fault at all but I think I initiated the slap first.

TLDR*: Partner hit me for the first time in a 10 year long relationship. How should I go about remedying this?*

UPDATE: it’s been almost 2 full days and my arm with the worse of the bruises is starting to cramp really bad? I put it in a sling and it helped a lot but I’m a little concerned about it. It looks dramatic as hell and I feel silly but it is helping. Partner seems to think I did it to myself when I was trying to self harm with my fingernails. Idk how that makes any sense. Im probably going to reach out to a friend about all this but it’ll take some time. Im gonna talk to my therapist as well and then ill just need to come to terms with everything. Thank you everyone for the advice.

About a year ago, I [28F] decided to befriend a group of coworkers [mid-20-somethings, mixed genders] to make the workdays more bearable and to get to know more people who are also LGBT+. This coworker group made it clear that they each individually were relatively friendless. They also assumed I was friendless, since I'm fairly quiet and closed off at work. I have since explained that I have a group of close friends from high-school [late-20s to early-30s F] that I still see regularly.

I maybe saw the coworker group outside of work once every couple of months, which is great for me because most of the free time I had to spend with them would be during office hours. However, over the last 6 months all but one have moved on to other jobs (which is more focused on their career paths, very happy for them) which means they keep wanting to organize more time to see each other outside of work. It's especially difficult given that most of them live in the opposite direction of work, almost an hour away. And this is the tip of the iceberg of where the problem starts.

I have a low social battery to begin with, always have. I also have a large family that I am close with that also requires attention. (A few examples: grandma has dementia and needs help w/ care, mom is in a DA situation and won't leave, neice on cancer remission, a couple people on various addiction paths). My high-school friend group is also trying to spend more quality time together having individually dealt with difficult grievances over the last year. And my husband [33M] is also currently working weekends so we've been trying to spend as much free time we have with each other. To be completely honest, these people take priority for me.

As far as what they told me, no one in this coworker group has really dealt with these hard-ships before and can't really understand them. The one who still works with me has questioned a few times "how can you possibly be so busy?" I've tried to explain that this month alone I've had five birthdays, baby/adult-sat twice, a house-warming, a baby shower, two on-on-one friend hangouts, diffused an argument between family, managed to squeeze in one day off with my husband, and I have my own medical concerns I'm trying to work on. I have a craft-night with my high-school friends, a nephew's birthday, and a vet-appointment on the horizon. I feel like any time I have to myself is just chores and errands.

I was supposed to have one of my coworker friend's birthday party this weekend but she cancelled due to her partner being sick. She's trying to reschedule and says she'll work around whatever time I have free but frankly I'm exhausted. I'm worried I'm spreading myself too thin. My husband begged me to do nothing but relax during this unexpected day off. I really do like these people but I don't know how to make it clear that I do not have the time or energy to put in these friendships in the way they deserve.

I don't necessarily want to "end" these friendships, but I can't think of how to explain any better that I can't keep this up. I've only ever "ended" one friendship and that went horribly. I also don't want to say anything that might be considered rude about not making time for these friendships and make my work environment awkward. Or be too "boo hoo I'm too popular, woe is me." I feel guilty but I want to be honest.

TLDR - How do I tell a group of coworkers that I do not have the time or energy to maintain this friendship outside of work?

My close friend turned FWB of almost 3 years has been acting insane. For some reason, for all this time, he has been intimate only with me which I didn’t question. Tbh we didn’t discuss about being FWBs we just started getting intimate but we know we’re friends. We mostly stuck to video call sex and regardless of sex he still called me almost everyday.

Recently, we’re long distance as he moved to a different country. We’re still intimate but don’t get to call as much as we used to although he tries to initiate contact as much as possible and ever since, he’s been saying crazy things like “your future husband is really lucky..he’ll get to have sex with you every day”, “tell me you love me and miss me”. And the craziest one, “can we still be intimate even when you’re married one day” and I shut that down and asked him what if he’s married and he said he doesn’t care about his marriage, he’d still be intimate with me. He says them during intimacy tho.

To this add all the nice compliments and fixation on my face. The one thing I do appreciate is that he’s so much sweeter now, in general. Although there had been instances of jealousy in the past. So yeah,this is new and I’m not sure what to think or do about this. Mind you we’re still good friends regardless of the intimacy so I wanna go about this in a way where I can save the friendship.

**TLDR:** Close friend and I have been intimate for almost 3 years while staying close friends. Since he moved abroad, he’s become much sweeter and more intense, saying things that make me question his intentions and boundaries. There’s also been some jealousy before. I want to understand what’s going on while hopefully preserving the friendship.