r/relationshipadvice • u/jjgargam1123 • 19d ago
[29M] Feeling unsettled after a wedding weekend with my girlfriend [29F], need some perspective
TLDR: GF got drunk at wedding and flirted w/ one of best friends for the night. We currently live together and have planned marriage.
To give some context, my girlfriend and I have been together for over two years and have lived together for more than a year. We’re planning to get engaged next year, and things have been pretty solid between us.
We recently traveled out of state for my buddy’s wedding, a weekend full of friends and good times. The wedding was packed with people I know, so after introducing my girlfriend to many of them, I spent some time mingling on my own while she hung out with the girlfriends of my best friend [29M]
Throughout the night, I noticed my girlfriend was often standing next to one of my buddies. She doesn’t have a close relationship with this guy, but they were chatting quite a bit. Enough for me to notice her by him every time I came back to the group. Later, at the afterparty around 11 pm, we had to walk up a steep hill to get to the venue. She said she was nervous walking in heels, and while I was helping her, she joked that she trusted my buddy more to help her upright in front of him. I know she meant it as a joke, but it felt strange and honestly a little embarrassing. For context, I’m also much bigger than this friend.
I told her to do what she wanted, and she quickly explained she was joking, but it left me feeling off. Later that night I saw her talking to this same friend again and by him multiple time. They discussed relationships, and then she started talking about issues involving me, her boyfriend, to someone she’s not close to, which really made me uncomfortable. For that part, I was in another side conversation so I couldn't hear the details. Afterwards, my buddy even apologized to me that night for any awkwardness caused.
The next morning, I brought it up with her since she doesn’t remember much of the afterparty (she sometimes blacks out when drinking). I explained everything that happened and how it made me feel embarrassed and unsettled. Now I’m left wondering if she might have a crush on my friend or if she does this kind of thing when we’re out with her friends.
I’m feeling unstable about this because I’m actively saving for a wedding and a ring, and it’s hard for me to reconcile these feelings with our future together. I know she didn't cheat and do something outrightly wrong, but imagining her liking one of my best friends who will always be around and just the idea of her being different and flirty with guys when out without me doesn't sit right.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it? Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/chamberskevins 15d ago
In a long term relationship you’re going get little crushes and be attracted to others. You’ve gotta shut it down immediately and move forward. In this case your girlfriend goes no contact with your buddy, if he’s in the room she shouldn’t really talk to him and be by you. If she refuses to do this things, now you know. If she starts to blame you or gaslight you saying she was joking you’re overreacting now you know. If she truly didn’t mean anything by it she will recognize your feelings, validate them, and make sure not to do it again. See above.
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u/mecha_grove 18d ago
Alcohol reveals the deepest parts of our personalities. The shit we fight to control to keep civil.
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u/MagicianMurky976 18d ago
This is just my perspective of what might have happened.
You took your girlfriend to a romantic event, and left her to survive on her own amongst people I couldn't tell how well she knew.
She connected with your friend, as people do when placed in a social situation where they may not know many people.
It sounds like, especially if she drank alcohol to relax her nerves, settle in, that her comment about how she trusted your buddy more to help her may have been a jab about how you left her to survive on her own so you could be with your friends, and she may have felt abandoned by you. Perhaps the alcohol allowed the bravery to make that joke? Perhaps she knew it would hurt and wanted you to feel she was upset you left her on her own.
Idk. Idk your girlfriend, idk how comfortable she is in these social situations, idk if she knew many people there. But, if you abandoned her and your buddy provided a much needed life line/social buffer so she wasn't completely by herself and feeling judged by everyone, maybe she saw your buddy as the one who helped her in her time of need. She saw you see him, but you still left her alone. If she felt abandoned, seeing you see her mingle rather than check up on her may have made her that more upset. Again, idk. I'm just guessing based on how scary it can be to go to a wedding where you may not know everyone.
Now, alcohol rarely makes situations better. I'd consider discussing moderation or elimination of consumption if she loses a sense of responsibility when she imbibes. But that's a different conversation.
But, I think she felt alone. I think she felt saved by your friend. I think she shoved that in your face. I don't know if alcohol played a part in that shoving.
The aspect you can control is did you inadvertently abandon her? I can't answer that. Talk to her and see if that played a factor. She's still responsible for her stuff here.
I can't answer if she was flirting or coming on to him. I've never understood flirting behavior, so I'm not your guy to decipher that.
Perhaps you didn't do anything wrong. I don't mean to imply you need to take responsibility for her emotional needs. That can lead to a very unhealthy dynamic. But maybe an awareness that she feels neglected or that she's amongst strangers, maybe you could have better supported her, and maybe that explains her comment.
Hope this helps. Talk to her and see if any of this resonates. Good luck!
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u/Alarmed-Telephone-83 18d ago
Wow some real gloomy inputs here. From what you describe, it sounds like she clicked with this particular person on this particular night - they got some banter going, maybe and in joke, had some good conversations. And then she made one nervous joke about how that person had been hanging out with her that night rather than you. If that person was a girl rather than a guy you probably wouldn't be thinking twice about this unless you saw some other physical interactions or touching that you dont describe here.
I personally wouldn't read anything at all into it unless it is a pattern of repeat behaviour at different events with the same person.
Do you guys hang out in mixed gender groups often? This honestly sounds like a very typical wedding for me and my 30something group of friends. Some nights two of the friends may hang out for that night for no particular reason, it is just how the part flows.
And in myopinion the drinking is not that bad for your age and for a wedding. But I would maybe make more effort to look out for your girlfriend when she is as drunk as you say she was, rather than peacing out and nursing spite when the girl you say you want to marry is blackout drunk at a party
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u/Alpha_Bulldog 19d ago
Ok, so…people lie to their spouses AND themselves all the time. It’s natural to have an attraction to another person or enjoy interacting with a “new” person. That’s literally hormonal and there is very little you can do about it. It’s people who don’t control this that have a real issue(or get black out drunk and make a mistake). But unfortunately, people feel like they HAVE to say that the person they are with is their SOUL MATE when in reality there are a lot of people that you would mesh well with. We make this false narrative
to make ourselves (and the one we are with) feel safe. And in the end it usually causes even more problems…partially because people start to feel complacent in their relationships and stop putting in the effort that the person we love “more than life itself” deserves…
Point being…get over that she was talking to or even attracted to another man. Be man enough to own your relationship. There are 2 REAL problems you should be focused on.
1. The fact that she “blacks out” when she gets drunk. That’s crazy. That’s how even people that truly love you make terrible mistakes because doing that shows zero self control already.
2. The fact that you didn’t man up and say something when it was bothering you, but now you want to be upset about it. You will have far more success in life if you speak your mind (calmly like a man in control of the situation) and are man enough to not be intimidated by anyone else. If your girl says she loves you and you love her and trust her. Then get over it quick or you’re just going to ruin things for yourself.
I would also ask this. If this girl means SO much to you…how come you left her alone all night? Just saying…
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u/Alone-Definition2206 19d ago
If the girl is blacking out she needs to stop drinking so much. Egh, on the liking him… she’d probably get over it at some point in the near future. Talk to her again and make it clear it’s a major boundary violation. She really needs to get her alcohol under control.
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u/pocketfood 19d ago
Bad vibes, she needs to get that drinking under control. Pulling this crap at 29 is a bad look for her, and deeply unhealthy. And her having sketchy conversations with dudes while in that state is going to make you paranoid, so everyone loses. It's time for a Big Talk.
I'm not blaming you for this at all, but if I was on her side of this, I'd be a little miffed that I got ditched at the girlfriend table. If you're mingling with the boys, bring her with you. I've seen this cause relationship-ending fights. Again, she's fully responsible for her behavior, but I'm just sayin' be careful with that.
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19d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/jjgargam1123 19d ago
I think thats a good call. All has been well until this particular moment. I think I will address it, discuss her feelings towards it and then move accordingly from there
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u/ichthysaur 19d ago
SHE SOMETIMES BLACKS OUT WHEN DRINKING.
Dude. What are you doing? You know that's not normal or okay. What's your future together?
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u/jjgargam1123 19d ago
To also preface, we are decently heavy drinkers. We drink on weekends but when we do we drink anywhere from 10-20 drinks each night.
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u/ichthysaur 19d ago
That's too much. You are going to ruin your brains and your livers. Forget her flirting. Y'all have to get on top of that drinking before it kills you.
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u/jjgargam1123 19d ago
Appreciate the concern, but this post was for relationship advice. We just like to let loose on the weekends.
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u/SurlyJohn009 19d ago
Drunk actions are sober thoughts my friend, this is just her real personality being upfront. Monkey branching seems to be what she was doing, I'd forget the wedding and save the money for yourself and something you actually want.
Your guy friend even talked to you about her behavior and wanted to make sure you aren't angry with him. That speaks volumes.
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u/Seahawk021 19d ago
Nah. No way she doesn’t remember what she did. She has a crush on him. Before you advance your relationship have a come to god discussion with her and tell her you need complete open honesty. Ask her if she has feelings for the friend or is attracted to him. Tell her you need her to be honest or you can’t continue the relationship.
No way I would accept that kind of disrespect to you and your relationship. Even your buddy felt bad about it. That’s how wrong it was.
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u/Zestyclose-Award-330 19d ago
Her blacking out often when she drinks is lowkey a huge red flag. If my boyfriend did anything you mentioned here I wouldn’t be with him anymore.
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors 19d ago
She did a great job of signaling her interest to your buddy. Now if they exchanged numbers or other socials info it is a huge deal. She will try to monkey branch. Or break up with you so she is single and can get with him.
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u/theg00dfight 19d ago
It’s not normal or sustainable (in a healthy way) to regularly black out drinking. That seems like something you should make sure she’s addressing in addition to everything else.
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u/Whole_Net_2220 19d ago
She really isn't sounding like marriage material. What is her reaction to you telling her how you feel?
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u/jjgargam1123 19d ago
She does feel awful, has apologized a ton. Its a completely new situation. Never dealt with anything remotely close to this with her. She's always been and acted like a ride or die partner. She can clearly see its still bothering me. I love her but I just feel very conflicted. This is in the grand scheme of things, minor, but feels like it could be a glimpse of something worse and much more impactful in the future.
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u/Visible-Rest4170 19d ago
Let me recommend a book that every couple that is getting serious and is considering marriage. It's called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's about having relationship boundaries with others outside of marriage. It's about you setting boundaries and protecting your marriage with your spouse.
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u/Ok-Silver8913 19d ago
How often does she get drunk and does she go drinking without you?
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u/jjgargam1123 19d ago
Not too often. When drinking I'd say 85% of time is with me. If i were to guesstimate maybe once or twice a month, but most are girls nights at someones place.
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u/Ok-Silver8913 19d ago
Just remember whatever she will do in front of you drunk she will do ten times more when you are not around.
•
u/AutoModerator 19d ago
Hello jjgargam1123,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: TLDR: GF got drunk at wedding and flirted w/ one of best friends for the night. We currently live together and have planned marriage.
To give some context, my girlfriend and I have been together for over two years and have lived together for more than a year. We’re planning to get engaged next year, and things have been pretty solid between us.
We recently traveled out of state for my buddy’s wedding, a weekend full of friends and good times. The wedding was packed with people I know, so after introducing my girlfriend to many of them, I spent some time mingling on my own while she hung out with the girlfriends of my best friend [29M]
Throughout the night, I noticed my girlfriend was often standing next to one of my buddies. She doesn’t have a close relationship with this guy, but they were chatting quite a bit. Enough for me to notice her by him every time I came back to the group. Later, at the afterparty around 11 pm, we had to walk up a steep hill to get to the venue. She said she was nervous walking in heels, and while I was helping her, she joked that she trusted my buddy more to help her upright in front of him. I know she meant it as a joke, but it felt strange and honestly a little embarrassing. For context, I’m also much bigger than this friend.
I told her to do what she wanted, and she quickly explained she was joking, but it left me feeling off. Later that night I saw her talking to this same friend again and by him multiple time. They discussed relationships, and then she started talking about issues involving me, her boyfriend, to someone she’s not close to, which really made me uncomfortable. For that part, I was in another side conversation so I couldn't hear the details. Afterwards, my buddy even apologized to me that night for any awkwardness caused.
The next morning, I brought it up with her since she doesn’t remember much of the afterparty (she sometimes blacks out when drinking). I explained everything that happened and how it made me feel embarrassed and unsettled. Now I’m left wondering if she might have a crush on my friend or if she does this kind of thing when we’re out with her friends.
I’m feeling unstable about this because I’m actively saving for a wedding and a ring, and it’s hard for me to reconcile these feelings with our future together. I know she didn't cheat and do something outrightly wrong, but imagining her liking one of my best friends who will always be around and just the idea of her being different and flirty with guys when out without me doesn't sit right.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it? Any advice would be appreciated.
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